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Not quite, but about to join the club.....and boy does it hurt....
Hi All,

Please forgive the silly username!!!

Not really sure what I am expecting to gain from this, if anything to be honest. I hope some sort of outlet....!

I am not ready to go into every detail, but my wife of 11 years and kids is on the point of leaving. This is not just a feeling, its actual conversation that has happened over the last 3 weeks. She has been unable to make a decision as yet, and its tearing me apart being held to ransom. I don't have hatred for my wife in-fact she is my absolute world. I just don't know how to start processing any feelings I am having. We are still living together, she has not officially declared us over - but I fear the writing is on the wall. We cant hug, touch, hold hands or anything. She does blow very hot and cold at times which is leaving me in limbo land......I am been a FT father for 11 years, and I don't know how to cope without that in my life......

I will undoubtedly share more as I feel more comfortable, but this is my starter for 10, in what I hope to be some support.

For now - Hello!

My feeling and personal experience is -unfortunately - that men often only recognise that the train has left when they look at a empty train station.

Very often is that in such times mum's already finalise their exit strategy and then from one day to the next boom this all goes off like a nuke. From this day on you only react and can try to win back the upper hand.

So, if you know that your relationship is over you need help, advise and support quickly. You need a strategy and a plan how you want to move on and you need to prepare yourself to fight you and your children's right through court.

If you think you still have access to your partner and if your wish is to rescue this relationship you must also act now and try to get some help in a mediation for couples and work out where you both have gone wrong.

Either way, many dads here have been through a separation successfully and even if you think or can't even see it now trust me there is a future.

Hi F,

Thanks for the response.

I don't think the train has gone, but its getting there. We had a joint counseling session last week, and I had a 121 today. She has a 121 tomorrow.

She is not vindictive or nasty at all, so the kids are not going to be a concern. Its myself i am worried about. I don't have that great a support network for this. Its the future I am struggling to see, but I guess that's why a forum like this exists - to give that hope. Maybe that's what I am after!


and of course, I genuinely want my wife to be happy with whatever decision she makes.

I am not sure what a 121 is as I never had a chance to fix my relationship.

Typing 121, yeah got it. Smile

Ok, it's good you both got help and at least consider your options to work things out.

Dont be surprised if a separation brings out a complete different person in you and your ex.

Me and my ex never had any fights and before we separated she said to me we will always work something out for contact.

Next thing I know was I got kicked out of my flat, new partner moved in, no access to the children and allegations from hell. That was 2.5 years ago and I just came out of court last month. It was absolute hell!

This of course is no example for your relationship and I salute you when you actually can solve everything amicably but be prepared that this might no be so.

I have such an respect for parents who can solve this without court - I could not.

Network will be most important if you fall. Have you got family or can you go to a help group for a session?

In the moment of high crisis I went to a Shaman to make some rituals of spiritual lifting. Just those 45 min helped me as I felt better, more positive.

I know this all sounds crazy but hey if you sense you start to fall into that hole you need help. Anywhere from really!

Maybe see your future like this:
You are a ball and just because you have hit a wall does not mean you stop rolling. You just roll into a different direction...

Limbo land must be agonizing.

We have all gone through separation and it is indeed very hard.

I speak as a person who has been divorced for a long time and how it was. It is a bit of a long slow journey. as well as forging a life as a single person or as a single person with kids time is needed for healing. how you heal depends on how the break up goes. There is a kind of grieving process strangely because when everyone marries or lives with a partner there is an expectation at the beginning at least that it will be for ever and a sadness for the children that their parents will not be together.

Number 1 thing is to look after yourself. Find things you enjoy doing that will distract you from overthinking, maybe through this you will meet new friends. Take every day as it comes, read the books you have wanted to read for a long time, go for a run, talk to any friends you have or family. Eat well, sleep well. Consider a job that you would enjoy perhaps?

I suffered jaw ache for months after my separation from grinding my teeth in my sleep. It did stop eventually though.

Above all else while things seem amicable now be prepared for things to become less so. Hopefully it will remain amicable.

Once day xx months or years from now you will suddenly realise that you haven't thought about her today, hearing about her or seeing her doesn't hurt anymore. Lots of truth in the saying that time is good healer.

There is no one size fits all recipe for recovery or an easy way for everyone to move on.
Its just very confusing. She is still using works like "if"

I don't know if she knows what she wants, I am am fearful the stress/depression is clouding her judgements. I am looking back over our texts - and up to 6 weeks ago it was still happy, kissy loving texts.

I just cant figure out how its gone so downhill so quickly.
People use words like 'if' and they refer to themselves as 'you' eg 'if you feel pain when x happens' when they are talking about themselves in a difficult situation but don't want to be in that situation

Its a safety mechanism... they talk about themselves but not about themselves if you get my drift.

OK - so we all hope it works out but picking up on this point "Its myself i am worried about. I don't have that great a support network for this" please do the following to help

Go to your GP and ask for counselling for you ... not as a couple... - that's the professional version - do this... seriously .... today... this is not a sign of weakness... its a sign of strength that you know you need a person to talk to about your feelings... couples counselling has a different objective
Find someone at work or friend of a friend who is 2 years into the 'divorce' process (who she doesn't know) and take them for a beer and ask loads of questions - that's the unprofessional version but equally valid - you need to know that people come out the other end and things work out OK
Look after yourself... physically and mentally - do not hit the bottle every night - it really does not help.. go for run / bike when things get too much and take time to reflect on whats going on
Use this forum to ask all the questions
Learn to process the facts ... what i mean here is your mind will play tricks on you and you will imagine all the worse scenarios but keep to the facts. you will feel low but its peaks and troughs

Final point ... harsh one so apologies... everything OK 6 weeks ago ... now nothing... no physical contact ... what changed? Think she owes you an explanation... maybe use the couple counselling to facilitate it but make sure there is no one else on the scene... you want to be fighting for something that is possible to save... again sorry... harsh subject... but worth knowing
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
So she has just had her 121, and come back saying she thinks she can make her decision without feeling guilty now.

The train just pulled out, and I watched it go.

There isnt anyone on the scene, at least not physically. Emotionally I know she has made a "friend" and I know he wants to date her. I guess the thrill of a new man is too much to ignore.

Can the GP refer me to counselling? I didn't think the NHS would pick up the tab for this sort of thing? I admit I will need something in place, so I guess this forum is a start!
Tough luck man...

It seems to be all about her, eh? About her guilt or not wanting to have guilt.

Physically / emotionally ... no real difference ... maybe she could say to the 'friend' that she is with someone else and she is unable to date them?

Yes GP will refer you... it may be quicker to pay private but possible on NHS
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"

Going to GP this PM for a chat. I have asked her about her friend, but she has almost out rightly refused to stop talking to him, because she enjoys talking to him. He knows where we were in our relationship though - trying to work things out, so I guess that says a lot about his character too.

I don't know, I suppose I got my hopes up a little. Gotta to learn to live a different life now.

Seriously, I know i am not unique at all, but how do you guys get through this? How to deal with not being a FT dad???

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