Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Recently separated and on the edge
#1
Hi,

I'm a new user and have been reading these pages for a few weeks now but am only just able to feel strong enough to ask for some help/advice/encouragement.

This is the ful version of the story and it may make me sound like a bit of a A hole but no point lying to you all.

Last year I had an affair with a work colleague, it was a huge mistake. I was diagnosed with depression at the beginning of the year after a number of years of trying to hide it. I had everything you could ever want but for some reason wasn't happy. Good wife, 2 great children (6 & 2), a good job, nice house, nice car...everything. When I told my OH about the depression I don't think she knew how to deal with me, to be honest I didn't know how to deal with me. But the OW at work did, she talked to me, didn't judge me and asked how I was everyday. This led to a very strong friendship that went too far. It lasted about 6 months until my OH found out. Carnage ensued, she destroyed everything I owned, I mean everything down to every pair of socks. I didn't blame her but it was tough. We decided to try and make things work and for a while they did. But towards the end of the year the OW asked for '1 more night' for closure. I should of said no, I didn't. The OH found out again and we were back to square one. This was a massive wake up call for me and I promised to do anything to make it right. I left my dream job and spent all my time and energy trying to bring my family back together. We had some great times this year but then something changed in her, she shut down, I couldn't get in and then on the 9th June she told me it was over.

I have never felt a pain like it, but she was sure there was no going back. She had planned everything and 6 weeks on the house is sold, she won't talk to me and is leaving with the kids in 5 weeks time. She is taking them 200 miles away. Devastated doesn't cover it.

I have begged, pleaded, promised, shouted...everything and nothing can change her mind. On Sunday I found out she now was seeing someone else. I know I feel like she felt and that makes it a whole lot worse to deal with. I want her back, she is done and has moved on. There is no emotion and I can't accept that she is gone. Everyone is telling me it's over and I have to let her go...but I can't. 

I can't function, I can't eat and I can't see a way out. When she first told me I tried to kill myself and that is not my finest moment but I didn't know what to do. I thought I had pulled myself together, but seeing a message from another man and knowing she is with him hurts like hell.

I've decided to move to where they are going to be close to the children, but I also know I have blind faith that one day she will come back. What a fool. I'm scared about being so far away from my family and friends and I'm scared how this will affect my relationship with the children. I worry about another man living with them and taking my place.

I'm constantly on the edge, tears, vomiting, anger...how do you deal with it? When does it end?

The usual things have been said, time will heal, you will move on, it gets easier...

I want a relationship with me ex, I want to be able to communicate. She has moved on so quick and is leaving me behind. I pay for her car, mortgage, bills etc which is fine to an extent as it's also for the kids. She's using the joint credit card for legal fees which I will then have to clear and she is using the car I pay for to go and see her new man...my mind is screwed. I don't know what to do.

I'm in a dark place and need to hear that people survive or tell me what to do.

Sorry this is long and if you got this far in reading thank you
Reply
#2
Hey

This is tough and I can feel your pain. You now have to find strength, you didn't think you had, to rebuild. To do this is you have to start by looking after yourself both in body and mind.
Firstly deal with the depression by seeing a therapist, exercise and accept you made mistakes and be firm and strong in dealing with your ex focusing on maintaining a relationship with your kids which I feel is the only relationship you can still save.

good luck, be strong.
Reply
#3
Hey Remembersilvers

Welcome and we are really sorry you found us ;-) ... it's never a great situation but you'll find support here

I break it down.
Woman has an affair its normally because she decided she want to leave
Man has an affair - it's maybe mistake, maybe needing something else but also wants to save relationship... you're still in love
The wife wants revenge and she's dishing it out in buckets... the new guy is a response to her situation

You need to take a bit of responsibility about why the relationship ended BUT relationships end all the time for all sorts of reasons, its sad but it happen... IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON

She is 200 miles moving with the kids - you happy with that? Your going to move closer - good idea if you can do it. If not, get legal help and apply for a Prohibited Steps Order which will stop this until Child Arrangements have been sorted out. If you live close and the can go to school ... you can get shared custody i.e. 50:50 if you can make it work

What people say and how your feel don't need to be the same. There is a phrase used on here and I repeat it for you "put your own oxygen mask on before putting your kids on" ... kids are bouncy, they will adapt. You need to look after yourself in order to be there for them. You always their dad ... nothing changes that... you just need to work out how that now works.
Please go and get professional help (GP) re your emotions.... you must do this today... best thing about being rock bottom is you only go up from here.

It will take time... a lot of time ... she will always be in your life as she is mother of your kids but you need to focus on the kids now. Everyone has said everything to you already but that won't sink in... its going to take a couple of years before you feel like you again

Practical stuff. Ex will play on your sense of duty so car, mortgage and credit cards need to cancelled. You will pay for your kids but you will do it via CMS and that does NOT include legal fees!!! Her new man can pay her petrol now ;-)... tough love man... she is punishing you (and she thinks she has the right to) but you might need to take a stance at some point otherwise you'll be paying over the odds for the rest of your life and you've got a new life to build eh?

Reminder
GO TO GP - today
Focus on kids
Be kind and reasonable to the mother of your children but please start to sort out practicalities
This is a long journey but you will get back to being you!
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
Reply
#4
If the house is sold what mortgage are you paying? Did you get a share of the house equity?

Stop paying for a car you have no use of.

Get that joint credit card closed down ASAP! She has no right to use this after break up. Could be construed as financial abuse. She will be entitled to tax credits etc.

Whether or not you were responsible for the break up things once broken up you need to separate all finances. Don’t let guilt make you be overly generous. You will support your children by way of child maintenance. Not by paying whatever she thinks you should pay for this that and the other.

Please go to your GP and ask for a referral to counselling as well. It is a painful path that you are on and you need to be strong enough to travel it. In time it will get better which is hard for you to see right now.
Reply
#5
(07-20-2017, 10:08 AM)Manchu Wrote: Hey

This is tough and I can feel your pain. You now have to find strength, you didn't think you had, to rebuild. To do this is you have to start by looking after yourself both in body and mind.
Firstly deal with the depression by seeing a therapist, exercise and accept you made mistakes and be firm and strong in dealing with your ex focusing on maintaining a relationship with your kids which I feel is the only relationship you can still save.

good luck, be strong.

Thanks Manchu, the inner strength seems to be disappearing but I'm trying

(07-20-2017, 10:28 AM)LTCDAD Wrote: Hey Remembersilvers

Welcome and we are really sorry you found us ;-) ... it's never a great situation but you'll find support here

I break it down.
Woman has an affair its normally because she decided she want to leave
Man has an affair - it's maybe mistake, maybe needing something else but also wants to save relationship... you're still in love
The wife wants revenge and she's dishing it out in buckets... the new guy is a response to her situation

You need to take a bit of responsibility about why the relationship ended  BUT relationships end all the time for all sorts of reasons, its sad but it happen... IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON

She is 200 miles moving with the kids - you happy with that? Your going to move closer - good idea if you can do it. If not, get legal help and apply for a Prohibited Steps Order which will stop this until Child Arrangements have been sorted out. If you live close and the can go to school ... you can get shared custody i.e. 50:50 if you can make it work

What people say and how your feel don't need to be the same. There is a phrase used on here and I repeat it for you "put your own oxygen mask on before putting your kids on" ... kids are bouncy, they will adapt. You need to look after yourself in order to be there for them. You always their dad ... nothing changes that... you just need to work out how that now works.
Please go and get professional help (GP) re your emotions.... you must do this today... best thing about being rock bottom is you only go up from here.

It will take time... a lot of time ... she will always be in your life as she is mother of your kids but you need to focus on the kids now. Everyone has said everything to you already but that won't sink in... its going to take a couple of years before you feel like you again

Practical stuff. Ex will play on your sense of duty so car, mortgage and credit cards need to cancelled. You will pay for your kids but you will do it via CMS and that does NOT include legal fees!!! Her new man can pay her petrol now ;-)... tough love man... she is punishing you (and she thinks she has the right to) but you might need to take a stance at some point otherwise you'll be paying over the odds for the rest of your life and you've got a new life to build eh?

Reminder
GO TO GP - today
Focus on kids
Be kind and reasonable to the mother of your children but please start to sort out practicalities
This is a long journey but you will get back to being you!

Thanks LTCDAD, some great words in there, appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I worry about some of the practical stuff, she has no job and is saying if I take the car and credit card she can't do anything with the kids. I'm currently sofa surfing while she stays in the house. It is sold, but that only happened on Friday and I'm continuing to pay everything. I don't want her to say I'm hurting the children by taking these things away but at the same time I hate that I'm allowing her to have the car and pay for the fuel so she can go off and see this new man!

I did contact my GP today so am making the first steps with that. I was in therapy last year so hoping to pick that back up.

It so hard when one moment you think you have it together and the next you are back down in the dark place. Not being able to get the image of her with someone else out of your mind!

(07-20-2017, 10:51 AM)Hazy Wrote: If the house is sold what mortgage are you paying? Did you get a share of the house equity?

Stop paying for a car you have no use of.

Get that joint credit card closed down ASAP!  She has no right to use this after break up. Could be construed as financial abuse.  She will be entitled to tax credits etc.

Whether or not you were responsible for the break up things once broken up you need to separate all finances.    Don’t let guilt make you be overly generous.   You will support your children by way of child maintenance. Not by paying whatever she thinks you should pay for this that and the other.

Please go to your GP and ask for a referral to counselling as well.  It is a painful path that you are on and you need to be strong enough to travel it.  In time it will get better which is hard for you to see right now.
Hi Hazy, the house was only sold on Friday so the mortgage still needs to be paid until it all finalised.
She is trying to take 70% because she feels she deserves it and there is no talking to her about it. I can't afford for her to take that much otherwise I can't move to be with the kids.

She is saying she can't afford to buy a car and if I take it she can't move the kids around...I feel trapped with this one.

She is leaving before the house sale goes through to  move into her parents, but she wants me to start paying child maintenance the moment she leaves. I can't do this as I will still be paying the mortgage, car, bills etc...any idea on the legalities of this?
Reply
#6
(07-20-2017, 06:31 PM)Remembersilvers Wrote:
(07-20-2017, 10:08 AM)Manchu Wrote: Hey

This is tough and I can feel your pain. You now have to find strength, you didn't think you had, to rebuild. To do this is you have to start by looking after yourself both in body and mind.
Firstly deal with the depression by seeing a therapist, exercise and accept you made mistakes and be firm and strong in dealing with your ex focusing on maintaining a relationship with your kids which I feel is the only relationship you can still save.

good luck, be strong.

Thanks Manchu, the inner strength seems to be disappearing but I'm trying

(07-20-2017, 10:28 AM)LTCDAD Wrote: Hey Remembersilvers

Welcome and we are really sorry you found us ;-) ... it's never a great situation but you'll find support here

I break it down.
Woman has an affair its normally because she decided she want to leave
Man has an affair - it's maybe mistake, maybe needing something else but also wants to save relationship... you're still in love
The wife wants revenge and she's dishing it out in buckets... the new guy is a response to her situation

You need to take a bit of responsibility about why the relationship ended  BUT relationships end all the time for all sorts of reasons, its sad but it happen... IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON

She is 200 miles moving with the kids - you happy with that? Your going to move closer - good idea if you can do it. If not, get legal help and apply for a Prohibited Steps Order which will stop this until Child Arrangements have been sorted out. If you live close and the can go to school ... you can get shared custody i.e. 50:50 if you can make it work

What people say and how your feel don't need to be the same. There is a phrase used on here and I repeat it for you "put your own oxygen mask on before putting your kids on" ... kids are bouncy, they will adapt. You need to look after yourself in order to be there for them. You always their dad ... nothing changes that... you just need to work out how that now works.
Please go and get professional help (GP) re your emotions.... you must do this today... best thing about being rock bottom is you only go up from here.

It will take time... a lot of time ... she will always be in your life as she is mother of your kids but you need to focus on the kids now. Everyone has said everything to you already but that won't sink in... its going to take a couple of years before you feel like you again

Practical stuff. Ex will play on your sense of duty so car, mortgage and credit cards need to cancelled. You will pay for your kids but you will do it via CMS and that does NOT include legal fees!!! Her new man can pay her petrol now ;-)... tough love man... she is punishing you (and she thinks she has the right to) but you might need to take a stance at some point otherwise you'll be paying over the odds for the rest of your life and you've got a new life to build eh?

Reminder
GO TO GP - today
Focus on kids
Be kind and reasonable to the mother of your children but please start to sort out practicalities
This is a long journey but you will get back to being you!

Thanks LTCDAD, some great words in there, appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I worry about some of the practical stuff, she has no job and is saying if I take the car and credit card she can't do anything with the kids. I'm currently sofa surfing while she stays in the house. It is sold, but that only happened on Friday and I'm continuing to pay everything. I don't want her to say I'm hurting the children by taking these things away but at the same time I hate that I'm allowing her to have the car and pay for the fuel so she can go off and see this new man!

I did contact my GP today so am making the first steps with that. I was in therapy last year so hoping to pick that back up.

It so hard when one moment you think you have it together and the next you are back down in the dark place. Not being able to get the image of her with someone else out of your mind!

(07-20-2017, 10:51 AM)Hazy Wrote: If the house is sold what mortgage are you paying? Did you get a share of the house equity?

Stop paying for a car you have no use of.

Get that joint credit card closed down ASAP!  She has no right to use this after break up. Could be construed as financial abuse.  She will be entitled to tax credits etc.

Whether or not you were responsible for the break up things once broken up you need to separate all finances.    Don’t let guilt make you be overly generous.   You will support your children by way of child maintenance. Not by paying whatever she thinks you should pay for this that and the other.

Please go to your GP and ask for a referral to counselling as well.  It is a painful path that you are on and you need to be strong enough to travel it.  In time it will get better which is hard for you to see right now.
Hi Hazy, the house was only sold on Friday so the mortgage still needs to be paid until it all finalised.
She is trying to take 70% because she feels she deserves it and there is no talking to her about it. I can't afford for her to take that much otherwise I can't move to be with the kids.

She is saying she can't afford to buy a car and if I take it she can't move the kids around...I feel trapped with this one.

She is leaving before the house sale goes through to  move into her parents, but she wants me to start paying child maintenance the moment she leaves. I can't do this as I will still be paying the mortgage, car, bills etc...any idea on the legalities of this?

She can claim benefits as a single person from seperation. It does not matter if you live in the same house or not, as long as you can show you do not sleep in the same room.

Regarding the house, in law "Family Money" paid it in relatinship time. If your selling, then its 50/50, she will not get more in Court.

However, you have a case of any bills from the relatinship to be settled, before any share out. Division of assests is not just about what exists, its what needs to be paid also.

Pay £20 to open a CMS case, and claim a redution on Child Support while paying the Mortgage. Child Support is payable from seperation, not when moved out.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#7
Thanks MarkR, I think she has applied for the benefits so I'm hoping that will help.

Good advice on the CMS, I feel like becuase she has no job she just thinks I'm supposed to cover everything. She is saying from the split of assets she needs to be set up long term. Currently with the suggestion I have put in place, she will ave £2500/month for 12 months left over after her new rent/bills and food. This doesn't take into account anything she would earn when she gets a job...that's not unreasonable right?
How long is she supposed to be able to support herself after a separation? I think she feels like she should still be able to have a shed load of money left over to get a mortgage further down the line but that's not my problem right?
Reply
#8
Quote:Pay £20 to open a CMS case, and claim a redution on Child Support while paying the Mortgage. Child Support is payable from seperation, not when moved out.

Its also only payable, on the start of the case. 

The start of the case in the eyes of Can't Manage S**t (CMS) is when the other party have been contacted and agreed to all of this.
I.e you start case...they take 4 weeks to gain contact and get it all sorted....the case starts officially then, not at the time you called them and began the process. They do this because if they started the payments etc on the opening of the case, then the other party would automatically be in arrears, and also they need to account for any considerations on the other party(mortgage payments to FMH, shared care, special exceptions etc)
Advice & opinions on this forum are offered informally, without any assumption of liability. Use your own judgment. Seek advice of a qualified and insured professional.
Reply
#9
Are you actually doing this house split stuff yourself rather than as part of the divorce?

You need a proper court approved consent order to stop her coming back for more later.

When universal credits rolls out to replace tax credits in her area she will have to get a job once youngest child turns 3 years of age or face sanctions.

You will definitely get a reduction for the car from CMS but really she should be paying it once she gets benefits. Her bills won’t be much when living with her parents. The mortgage will stop soon so no point asking for a reduction for that.

She is also likely to get housing benefit if she is gonna rent for a while but may have to top that up a little. It’s another large cost reduced.
Reply
#10
Dude. Nah. She's terminated the relationship, regardless of what you did wrong in the past. You don't pay for her car or her bills now. That's the new mans problem (or just hers). This'll probably force her to rethink moving so far away given she can't get around.

Good man for being honest about it all. Good luck to you.
Also, 70% .. is she having a laugh? Not when you've paid for it all...
Don't let her bully you.
Reply


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  Advice needed - recently separated gregski93 9 1,179 03-02-2018, 11:41 PM
Last Post: Hazy
Sad recently separated and my ex is wanting to change the terms of my access to my son nickijah 8 2,719 04-13-2017, 04:34 PM
Last Post: MarkR



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)