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can anything be done.? is this safeguarding?
#1
hi
i have a 3 year old boy

Ive had regular contact over past 18 months of every weekend.

My son hates going back, he cries and screams everytime whether its dropping him to nursery or to mum.  And its got worse as time has progressed. i thought he would get used to the routine , yes he has but to the point he knows/senses when its time and gets extremely upset.

It has come to the stage that he now even picks up on the journey/route and starts kicking and screaming in his seat saying "mummys house is this way....i dont want to go turn around. i dont want to go!, go back to daddies house, i want grand ma" etc. if he has anything in his hand he will throw it etc
(ive tried 4/5 different routes) but he knows as over the year hes picked up that they eventually all lead to the same bit.

Ive tried to explain that now its mummys turn, then it will be dads time again etc. but he wont accept that. he says i dont like it at mommys, i want to stay, why do you take me back...in his eyes i am the bad guy for dropping him off.
I even tried to tell him that if i dont drop him off, i will get in trouble from police but he wont accept it either. no explanation is good enough.

last week i had a relative come around, it was sunday and she wanted me to give her a lift home but my son refused to come along and didnt want me to go either thinking its time to be dropped off . she witnessed this and asked him
"i though you like going in car?....lets go for a drive and you can come to my house", and he said no you will take me to mum i want to stay and play in garden. he said ....ask grandma to take you in car,  me and daddy will stay here

for a while i resulted to making excuses saying where going to x/y/z place and let him watch you tube on my phone to distract him but he has clued on to that aswell now . and i feel bad for lying to him and know that eventually he wont trust me if it continues.

In the mornings when i drop him to nursery its a struggle dressing him, the nursery staff have seen him crying when parting over past year. and have said "oh  hes ok when youve gone", i asked what about when mum drops him they said hes fine doesnt cry"  HELLO alarm bells should ring ...why doesnt he cry when mum drops him... and one of them even said once that he cries when mum collects him, she was hinting that hes happy at nursery but didnt look at the other side of it....why cry when mum collects him?..... yet they havent picked up on it? so he cries when i drop him to nursery, cries when i drop him to her, and cries when she collects him? there is a problem with her

on a sunday he would normally fall asleep at home (afternoon nap at 4pmish so i would put him in car whilst asleep...but he would then wake up at drop off point as i pick him up, with a shock that hes now being dropped off at the witch, where he would cry and kick legs etc.

Its at the point that he now doesnt like to have his afternoon nap in that fear....he will stay awake all the way through sunday which makes him agitated/grumpy at times.

when he comes to me hes wearing clothes she sent him in, then over weekend he wears clothes ive bought him and I put hers in the wash.....he even knows that if im dressing him in her cloths it will be time to go back....so refuses to wear her clothes/trainers, .

Surely this isnt normal behaviour. what 3 year old hates going back to their mother so much...after being apart 2.5/3 days .

Also, there have been various cuts/bruises/grazes and most sever a burn from an iron on his palm" approx 15 injuries over past 18 months all these have been reported to childrens services via NSPCC. NSPCC said they thought it was a safeguarding concern and so have various other people i have spoke to in social work (not directly with childrens)
Childrens services said it was normal for young kids to get hurt!" trips/bumps falls. I said is it normal for kids to get burnt with hot irons?..what is a 2 year old (at the time) doing near a hot iron?. and grazing in lower spinal area was a strange injury aswell .

And according to them the crying was because he enjoyed his time with me...... They have an excuse to cover the mother for everything.  not even a hint at it being neglect. my theory is she leaves him in care of others whilst she goes college, and he is getting hurt, hes told me mummy goes college and i stay with aunty and she shouts at me. she isnt giving him the love and affection he gets from me.


I have video recordings of him crying and screaming at handovers, 90% of the time its same, the other 10% is if hes distracted by something on the day. I have pictures  and dates of cuts/bruises/grazes.

Its like its falling on deaf ears. the people who are meant to safeguard kids are saying its normal?? 

is there anything else that can be done about this?

I am concerned that this extreme crying, me leaving him when he doesnt want to go will have a mental/psyological impact on him in the long run.

His mother doesnt give a damn, all she cares is that he is a ticket to CMS and single mother benefits and also a tool to spite me.
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#2
(07-31-2017, 11:59 AM)bimma Wrote: hi
i have a 3 year old boy

Ive had regular contact over past 18 months of every weekend.

My son hates going back, he cries and screams everytime whether its dropping him to nursery or to mum.  And its got worse as time has progressed. i thought he would get used to the routine , yes he has but to the point he knows/senses when its time and gets extremely upset.

It has come to the stage that he now even picks up on the journey/route and starts kicking and screaming in his seat saying "mummys house is this way....i dont want to go turn around. i dont want to go!, go back to daddies house, i want grand ma" etc. if he has anything in his hand he will throw it etc
(ive tried 4/5 different routes) but he knows as over the year hes picked up that they eventually all lead to the same bit.

Ive tried to explain that now its mummys turn, then it will be dads time again etc. but he wont accept that. he says i dont like it at mommys, i want to stay, why do you take me back...in his eyes i am the bad guy for dropping him off.
I even tried to tell him that if i dont drop him off, i will get in trouble from police but he wont accept it either. no explanation is good enough.

last week i had a relative come around, it was sunday and she wanted me to give her a lift home but my son refused to come along and didnt want me to go either thinking its time to be dropped off . she witnessed this and asked him
"i though you like going in car?....lets go for a drive and you can come to my house", and he said no you will take me to mum i want to stay and play in garden. he said ....ask grandma to take you in car,  me and daddy will stay here

for a while i resulted to making excuses saying where going to x/y/z place and let him watch you tube on my phone to distract him but he has clued on to that aswell now . and i feel bad for lying to him and know that eventually he wont trust me if it continues.

In the mornings when i drop him to nursery its a struggle dressing him, the nursery staff have seen him crying when parting over past year. and have said "oh  hes ok when youve gone", i asked what about when mum drops him they said hes fine doesnt cry"  HELLO alarm bells should ring ...why doesnt he cry when mum drops him... and one of them even said once that he cries when mum collects him, she was hinting that hes happy at nursery but didnt look at the other side of it....why cry when mum collects him?..... yet they havent picked up on it? so he cries when i drop him to nursery, cries when i drop him to her, and cries when she collects him? there is a problem with her

on a sunday he would normally fall asleep at home (afternoon nap at 4pmish so i would put him in car whilst asleep...but he would then wake up at drop off point as i pick him up, with a shock that hes now being dropped off at the witch, where he would cry and kick legs etc.

Its at the point that he now doesnt like to have his afternoon nap in that fear....he will stay awake all the way through sunday which makes him agitated/grumpy at times.

when he comes to me hes wearing clothes she sent him in, then over weekend he wears clothes ive bought him and I put hers in the wash.....he even knows that if im dressing him in her cloths it will be time to go back....so refuses to wear her clothes/trainers, .

Surely this isnt normal behaviour. what 3 year old hates going back to their mother so much...after being apart 2.5/3 days .

Also, there have been various cuts/bruises/grazes and most sever a burn from an iron on his palm" approx 15 injuries over past 18 months all these have been reported to childrens services via NSPCC. NSPCC said they thought it was a safeguarding concern and so have various other people i have spoke to in social work (not directly with childrens)
Childrens services said it was normal for young kids to get hurt!" trips/bumps falls. I said is it normal for kids to get burnt with hot irons?..what is a 2 year old (at the time) doing near a hot iron?. and grazing in lower spinal area was a strange injury aswell .

And according to them the crying was because he enjoyed his time with me...... They have an excuse to cover the mother for everything.  not even a hint at it being neglect. my theory is she leaves him in care of others whilst she goes college, and he is getting hurt, hes told me mummy goes college and i stay with aunty and she shouts at me. she isnt giving him the love and affection he gets from me.


I have video recordings of him crying and screaming at handovers, 90% of the time its same, the other 10% is if hes distracted by something on the day. I have pictures  and dates of cuts/bruises/grazes.

Its like its falling on deaf ears. the people who are meant to safeguard kids are saying its normal?? 

is there anything else that can be done about this?

I am concerned that this extreme crying, me leaving him when he doesnt want to go  will have a mental/psyological impact on him in the long run.

His mother doesnt give a damn, all she cares is that he is a ticket to CMS and single mother benefits and also a tool t

The crying isn't necessarily a warning sign. Very young kids often get distressed when changing carers, then perk up pretty quickly afterwards.  He may also be anxious about separation from you because he doesn't see you as much as his mum.

The injuries though most definitely do want watching.  Have you tried taking him to the GP to look at them when he comes to you injured?  GPs and A&E doctors are trained in what are 'normal' injuries for kids  (scraped knees, black eyes, cuts and grazes etc), and what are signs of abuse or neglect.   If they think something is suspicious, they will report it, and his medical records are very good evidence in the event of a court case.
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#3
Quote:Have you tried taking him to the GP to look at them when he comes to you injured?


No, i havent as he comes to me fridays to sunday, and i dont know who his GP is. When i asked his mother i was given false information as to details of GP. I wrote to the GP /surgery named to me, sent them proof of my ID/birth cert and was told after 3 weeks that my son is no longer registered there. (she had given me the details for a previous she was registered with)

So to this day i dont know who the GP is. I have my sons NHS number/birth certificate copy.
I took him to a walk in centre once as he had thread worms which the mother failed to take him to doctors for so as symptoms (scratching of bum) worsened i took him in myself to get medicine.

I am aware that the next time there is a suspicious looking injury then i will take him to a&E or walk in centre who will hopefully do their job and report it. 

I have spoken to several people within the social care/support industry and they have told me the system is bias or turn a blind eye, social workers are overwhelmed with cases and will try to fob off anything they can. they will not take a fathers reports seriously at all especially when there is contact order and child lives with mother. they automatically presume malicious intention. I was told to keep taking pics/dates and log it with them if necessary because if i dont then they will be the ones questioning why i didnt.

I am logging it but my worry is cases like Baby P and baby Williams that "slip through" net and then its too late or "we failed the child we are sorry" press stories come out.

The person advising me said they will only take notice if a referral is made by doc/nurse /health visitor or teacher
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#4
If you have PR, the child's local Clinical Commissioning Group should tell you who the GP is if you write to them explaining the circumstances, including proof of ID/PR etc:


http://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Clinica...onSearch/1

In the meantime maybe you could take him to your own GP as a visiting patient? If not, then definitely A&E?
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#5
thanks for the pointer re getting GP details

yes next time i think i will definitely take him to a walk in clinic or A&E to get any injuries checked.
Its frustrating the professionals who are meant to safeguard kids try their best to pass it of as "normal" or "nothing" "no substance" despite the proof in front of them.
They could at least pay a unanounced visit to mother to check up make sure everything is actually "normal" or is she leaving him in care of others who dont give a damn about him.

I just hope that it doesnt get any worse and when hes 4 or 5 he will be clearly able to explain whats going on
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#6
I had the same problem with my daughter, who has just turned 3. In my situation however, I've had the majority custody since we separated and her mum has only seen her a few days a week up until recently, where we're now doing 50/50. For about the first 10-12 months however, I had her 80-90% of the time with her mum just seeing her for a few days at a time.

My daughter hated going to her mum's house even though I rarely dropped her round there because we have mostly swapped custody at nursery, so I'll drop her off and her mum will pick her up. My daughter got wise to this on I'd have a screaming fit on Sunday night/Monday morning saying she didn't want to go to nursery/to her mums, that she felt sick etc. and on a couple occasions she actually made herself sick. It broke my heart as I know her mum has been relatively useless and I've often had concerns about her wellbeing - no injuries to speak of, but the mental and emotional impact that her mum's actions have. Her mum went through postnatal depression and she's never been the same since, but in my opinion she's not really demonstrated she is fit to be a mother and I get the distinct impression the only reason she's having any involvement, and more involvement now, is because of how other people have judged her as a mother because she rarely had much to do with her to start with.

I've got recordings I made of her telling our daughter that she's ruined everything - all mummy wanted was to have a nice time and all our daughter has done is always ruin it (we we're living in the same house after we'd separated until it sold), and when she came in from work one evening whilst I was feeding our daughter, she announced she's not having any dinner and when my daughter asked why, she replied because mummy is fat so I shouldn't eat. I've confronted her afterwards about these incidents and she's just oblivious to what she is doing.

All you can really do, as I have, is try to log things and be consistent. Your consistent balanced approach will mean he knows where he stands with you and what to expect - I've found kids need stability and what you're doing seems about right. Take him back and just explain what is happening. My daughter is becoming better with it, but to be fair I think her mum is making more of an effort.
What are you options about getting more custody?
If you continue to have a cause for concern, as mentioned above take him to a GP (you can take him anywhere, and I'm sure you GP will be accommodating if you explain the circumstances).
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