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Looks like the end is near...
#1
Reading few threads and has given me heart that can get through this, once the end is confirmed.. But have a couple of questions..

1) Is there anything I should\shouldn't do (like rant on Facebook) once she has decided it is definately over??
2) See that I should not leave the house until have a formal agreement for seeing the kids right?? 
3) If can't afford to go anyway else, or can't find another place.. am I still forced to leave whilst paying the mortgage nearly single handedly on this place?
4) How do you go about asking for 50/50 rights on seeing the kids?? (Got two boys that as you can imagine I adore) What are the chances??

She says she can't see a way back, as we have grown apart, and then found out she cheated a month ago... but haven't actually tried any counselling together yet... 

This seem horrible, and like a few post say, I feel lost.. Supposed to be working at moment (work from home so lonely) and just can't concentrate..
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#2
(07-31-2017, 01:15 PM)Buffalo77 Wrote: Reading few threads and has given me heart that can get through this, once the end is confirmed.. But have a couple of questions..

1) Is there anything I should\shouldn't do (like rant on Facebook) once she has decided it is definately over??
2) See that I should not leave the house until have a formal agreement for seeing the kids right?? 
3) If can't afford to go anyway else, or can't find another place.. am I still forced to leave whilst paying the mortgage nearly single handedly on this place?
4) How do you go about asking for 50/50 rights on seeing the kids?? (Got two boys that as you can imagine I adore) What are the chances??

She says she can't see a way back, as we have grown apart, and then found out she cheated a month ago... but haven't actually tried any counselling together yet... 

This seem horrible, and like a few post say, I feel lost.. Supposed to be working at moment (work from home so lonely) and just can't concentrate..

OK, so bad times for you. The club sucks. I dont think any of us wanted to be here.

Personally:

1) Is there anything I should\shouldn't do (like rant on Facebook) once she has decided it is definately over??
You'll regret this. Dont rant any where. Keep your dignity and keep it amicable.
2) See that I should not leave the house until have a formal agreement for seeing the kids right??
Dont leave the house. You can stay for contact, or for claim on the property.
3) If can't afford to go anyway else, or can't find another place.. am I still forced to leave whilst paying the mortgage nearly single handedly on this place?
No. You can only be forced to pay CMS, unles a judge orders you out.
4) How do you go about asking for 50/50 rights on seeing the kids?? (Got two boys that as you can imagine I adore) What are the chances??
Mediation. and 50/50 of quality time yes. Every other weekend, plus half the holidays is normal. excatly 50/50 is unlikey as someone has to have more than that for child benefit and CMS.
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#3
Thanks again Thanatos..

So apart from not moving out, is there anything else that should/shouldn't do in these early stages??
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#4
Do not make any rash decisions. The rest you have to feel your way through. Use this forum though, everyone here is either going through this, or survived to the other side.....
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#5
(07-31-2017, 05:16 PM)Buffalo77 Wrote: Thanks again Thanatos..

So apart from not moving out, is there anything else that should/shouldn't do in these early stages??

yes

Dont lose sight of the future
Dont panic
dont commit yourself to 

  1. shouting
  2. Ranting
  3. screaming
  4. hating the injustice
  5. giving up
  6. booze
  7. drugs
  8. another relationship soon after this one
  9. vengeance
  10. social media wars- Trump can do it, but hes got gangs of lawyers to bail him, what have you got!

Commit yourself to

  1. your own well being - you cant fight the battles ahead if you aren't breathing, so put the mask on, deep breath , THEN help others
  2. Sleep - you will need it, see 1
  3. eating well as can be afforded , see 1
  4. Dressing well - sounds dumb? dress well and smarten yourself up, you will feel better, see 1
  5. taking time out and just ignoring the whole damn planet, drive out somewhere to the coast and watch kids playing in the sea, go for a paddle, see 1
  6. most of all forgiveness, it will help you move on and realise she has her own particular demons to deal with and they ain't yours!
Lastly
Smile, keep silent and watch the anger dissipate as you dont rise to it.
Just say....ok!
Advice & opinions on this forum are offered informally, without any assumption of liability. Use your own judgment. Seek advice of a qualified and insured professional.
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#6
Thanks Drew

She is at her mums with the boys for a week deciding the future.. am home alone (and work from home alone too) so its real tough sitting here, wandering around the house looking at stuff even cutting the grass yesterday wondering if it will be last time I get to do it.. She is in the driving seat and ball is in her court, she knows I don't want to split and will do anything to stay with her (even forgive her for cheating\lying) but again starting to wonder if there is anyway back.. I think a few people have commented that probably can't save this relationship, but maybe be able to start a new one with new "rules".

I can't see a future a the moment where she and especially the boys are not in it 100% of the time

Struggling..
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#7
Buffalo,

No matter what, you should not be aiming to save a relationship that has broken down. It will only break again.

Starting a new relationship is the way forward, but only if both want it.....
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#8
Buffalo

Sorry to hear your predicament. But its a familiar story around here, very helpful place to be.

As Thanatos says the only way to remain a couple is by starting a new version of relationship, but has to want to do it and there is nothing you can do to make her.
The only thing you can do is what the advice given above suggests.
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#9
Yay the forum is back up!!

So, its over!! I thought we were both trying and it was working, but then found more messages to the "other man" and lost it.... No moved into the spare room, and starting to try and think about the future... I have realised I was basically fighting a losing battle and anything I did or said she would only see the negative side and none of the positives.. Anyway, its over and I'm slowly thinking now that it is for the best as there is no way back.. After being in denial for ages!!

Right, so what do I do from here.. Am focusing on not going out boozing too much (although friends instantly seem to say "give me a shout if you need a beer") plus keeping things as amicable as we can and focusing on the two boys in all decisions.

Mediation is next step I presume, and I should probably get some legal advice (although her cousin has offered to be solicitor for us both, for free, if we can keep it amicable). She has got estate agents round valuing the house today... Ahhhh!!! All seems a just weird and I want to just sleep and wake up when its over.
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#10
(09-13-2017, 09:11 AM)Buffalo77 Wrote: Right, so what do I do from here.. Am focusing on not going out boozing too much (although friends instantly seem to say "give me a shout if you need a beer") plus keeping things as amicable as we can and focusing on the two boys in all decisions.

Mediation is next step I presume, and I should probably get some legal advice (although her cousin has offered to be solicitor for us both, for free, if we can keep it amicable). She has got estate agents round valuing the house today... Ahhhh!!! All seems a just weird and I want to just sleep and wake up when its over.

Hard luck mate... no standard path as it all depends on you
You hear stories about people shacking hands, moving on and focusing on the kids... other stories seem never ending nightmares

Beware the cousin ... solictors need to be objective... you might not even need one if you can really keep it amicable - same with mediation, yo uonly need that if you are not getting what you are entitled to in terms of access to kids for example

Will need 2 signatures to sell the house so seems she knows what she wants to do... do you?
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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