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Difficult situation as a single father
#1
Long story short - mother of my child started dating someone new 6 months ago. I guess this guy has a lot of money, and perhaps unable to have children of his own. They are getting married already. They will both say I'm always her dad, but then they both act as if he's her father. He told me that my daughter has called him daddy (doubtful because she calls him something else) and says she loves him. Her mom has said he's more sacrificial than her own flesh and blood father. It's the craziest most difficult thing I've ever experienced. Her mom had an agreement not to introduce her prior to six months of dating, which she broke likely in month one. I am just really concerned with how much my daughter is the focal point in their relationship, and how much this guy is fixated on my daughter. They wanted to take her to Disney World (she's almost 3) with his parents and I had to put my foot down, as I feel it's inappropriate.

Most recently he was throwing his money around in the conversation like he provides more than I do (even though she's with me 4 nights per week). Saying he wanted to take my "broke ass" on the Disney vacation for her. That he will continue treat her like a princess, and to let him know if I can't provide for her; followed by stating I cannot compete with him. That they can provide a better life than I ever will, and that they're better people while referring to me as "step-fam". I'm guessing because I said he'll never be her father and at-best is her step-family which is secondary to her true family. Our order says her must provide health-care and daycare (because she lied a lot for a long time and cheated) which he'll be paying for I suppose. She's clearly been lying to him about me, as he seems to believe he's picking up my slack, which is untrue and quite the opposite from my perspective. 

I dunno this has been very difficult and toxic for me behind the scenes. I get depressed the 3 night's my daughter isn't there, especially knowing I don't have a supportive coparent and that she's spending time with another man. I'm tired of having to give in and overlook things that are way outside of the boundaries I've created and "be the bigger person". That's the short version of the story. I'm just looking for some support, or guidance, or ideas. I'm open to anything you may have to offer. Thank you.
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#2
Are you American ?

Some people with money think that it is everything and that it can buy everything even love.

You should perhaps keep any conversations with this guy to a minimum whilst being polite at all times. He sounds like he just likes to boast and brag.

Your child coming to you and having a great time whilst in your care can mean so much more than monetary things. Don’t ever forget this.

A lot of What happens is out of your control when you are not there so you should try not to dwell on it and just concentrate on being the best Dad you can be in your time with the child. What kids love more than anything is attention.

Keep yourself occupied and take care of yourself on the days you do not have your child because we are no good to anyone else unless we look after ourselves first.
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#3
Thank you for your message. I appreciate it. I am American, why do you ask?

I understand it's out of my control, and am focused on being the best possible father.

My family seems to think they may try to take me to court down the road...which would be worse case for me based on our previous court case which drained me of everything to have the time I have with my daughter now. Her mother has been a very difficult person to work with, which makes me sad, and I don't like that shes trying to replace me with this guy, who seems more than willing which is also strange for me.
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#4
(08-13-2017, 05:51 PM)elem9 Wrote: Thank you for your message. I appreciate it. I am American, why do you ask?

I understand it's out of my control, and am focused on being the best possible father.

My family seems to think they may try to take me to court down the road...which would be worse case for me based on our previous court case which drained me of everything to have the time I have with my daughter now. Her mother has been a very difficult person to work with, which makes me sad, and I don't like that shes trying to replace me with this guy, who seems more than willing which is also strange for me.

Hazy would of picked up on this due to some of the words in your post.

While the Mods and Members might be able to offer emotional support, we are UK Based, and therefore out knowage of your Local Laws and Family Court Process are not known to us.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#5
70% of marriages involving step-kids end in divorce, so chin up. Dads are there for life. Do your best to keep a long view and remember,
you will never have to buy her love. She'll always be daddy's girl - even when she's a bratty teenager testing all the limits!
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#6
(08-16-2017, 04:07 PM)TPOIZ Wrote: 70% of marriages involving step-kids end in divorce, so chin up. Dads are there for life. Do your best to keep a long view and remember,
you will never have to buy her love. She'll always be daddy's girl - even when she's a bratty teenager testing all the limits!

I think this is where you put ego aside. He might be able to financially provide for her more than you, but that doesn't matter. I see teenagers everyday rebel because money is thrown at them but all they want is quality time and interaction. They want a parent to be present physically and emotionally. Take her on adventures, camping, use your imagination to come up with activities that give her a sense of achievement, collect conkers in the woods, go on a made up nature trail, watch the film 'the holiday' and make a tent like the one in the movie (it's amazing) - she can decorate it.  
If he wants to take her to disney land, then great. It's not a competition who can be best, it's about whether you can fulfil her emotional needs aswell. Daughters are always Daddys Girl. You'll always be her number one girl. Don't let your own insecurities get in the way. She wants to see you as the confident protector that has her back, and I know shes very young, but she'll feel this already. She wont understand it yet, but she'll feel it.
If he is really saying all those things, just accept it for what it is...his ego... good luck, stay strong and make pink cakes!
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#7
I sympathise with you man, that sounds like a rubbish situation to be in.

I can't stress enough the importance of what everyone else is saying to you, though - first and foremost, you need to look after yourself, so on the days you don't have your daughter you need to be running, at the gym, swimming, seeing friends or basically doing anything you can to keep yourself occupied and grounded, because your little one needs a strong, positive Father on the days that she comes to live with you.

I'm going to make a suggestion, if I may - what about taking a course relevant to your current job, or learning something new to help you change career? Keep it under your hat and don't tell anyone (could be seen as you trying to 'compete'), but that could potentially lead to a pay increase or even a new job, which would be an awesome lift for you.

I'm only in a few weeks in to my separation, so still under the same roof as my ex, but she has recently gone self employed and is PROPERLY money-focused (a trait inherited from her Mother, sadly), so I know she'll make something successful out of it and will be able to bypass me financially in a couple of years.

This scares the bejeezus out of me, because I'm concerned that not only will my daughter inherit this trait as well, but that she'll want to spend less time with me because I'm not as well-off as her mother and not able to spoil her as much.

So, when we've gone our separate ways I'm going to take a load of courses in my current field to keep myself busy and give myself something to aim for - which I'm actually quite excited for.

To be honest, this new guy sounds like a douche anyway, so he's obviously got some insecurities in his own life that he feels he needs to make you feel bad for. Just ignore him and concentrate on you and your daughter.

Might be worth you recording any conversations you do have with him, though...on your phone, maybe...just saying... Wink
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