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One Night Stand - Mother Determined to Block Out My Partner
#1
Hi - am a new member and almost feel a bit of a fraud - I was never with the mother of my child, apart from two one-night stands (about three years apart). 

By way of context, she lied about birth control, then said she'd take the morning after pill, then told me she was keeping the baby (he's now a two-month old boy). 

I met my current partner six days after he was conceived. Horrendous timing, I know. She has been incredible. We knew from about two months in that this was happening, and it has been incredibly challenging - that being said, we're together, and just got engaged. I feel privileged and proud to have a woman on my arm who is willing to take this challenge on, and we are doing what we can. I have struggled to come to terms, and so has she. The mother has simply told me that if I do what she says, I'll get access. If I don't, it's 'father unknown'. No input into his name. No access for me and partner - just for me. When I told her I want support, I was told 'bring your mother' or 'bring your sister', both of whom she has met. She's good friends with my sister, who has been horrendous throughout. Both of them have basically done all they can to shut my fiance out and show no signs of slowing down. 

The mother plays at reasonable (I'll never refuse you access etc) but refuses to have anything to do with my fiance at all. I understand the jealousy/hormones/rejection that may come with that decision not to be involved with her upon hearing the news, but she has refused to meet her during the pregnancy, acknowledge that she is with me (apart from in emails, in which she just says 'when i'm ready') and will not give any indication of how long this will go on for. 

I have suggested a thousand different ways to approach this. We offered to come up to where she lives on a Saturday, get an airbnb and just see him when is appropriate for the mother. She refused. She won't let him out of her sight, so I can't take him for a walk. Anything that may result in his meeting my partner is refused. I'm allowed in her house but my partner isn't. My mum and dad are, but she's not budging. She just says 'not yet'. I ask months? How many? I am just told that she isn't comfortable and my partner will have to wait. 

I don't want to spend time with him without her in a stranger's flat who clearly has an agenda. She's my partner and she's done an awful lot of good for me, holding me up through pretty tough times. I won't leave her outside like a dog outside a newsagent and have implored to the mother many times, in many different ways. All are met with the same response. 

I'm thinking of mediation but am worried that I will not be given a route map, something which I desperately need. An amount of time, a guarantee that she won't always seek to be this obstructive... I've missed out a lot of things as it's a long and complicated story, but this is the gist. My question is: 
  • how old does he need to be before i can feasibly take him for a walk in his pram? (she is breastfeeding and so I asked for a 20-minute, half an hour walk)
  • can I insist on contact somewhere neutral? The last time I went into her house she told me to F off for asking about the walk again 
  • Can I feasibly be told that I have to play her game and that she can decide when I'm fit to take him out or have him with me out of her flat? 

It's an incredibly stifling environment. She's not stupid and she's normally careful to make herself seem reasonable, but then doesn't move in the slightest. I just want to find a way to make this kind of enforced, unpleasant contact something which I can work away from. At the moment, she knows she holds the power and simply tells me just that.
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#2
(08-14-2017, 04:42 PM)GG83 Wrote: Hi - am a new member and almost feel a bit of a fraud - I was never with the mother of my child, apart from two one-night stands (about three years apart). 

By way of context, she lied about birth control, then said she'd take the morning after pill, then told me she was keeping the baby (he's now a two-month old boy). 

I met my current partner six days after he was conceived. Horrendous timing, I know. She has been incredible. We knew from about two months in that this was happening, and it has been incredibly challenging - that being said, we're together, and just got engaged. I feel privileged and proud to have a woman on my arm who is willing to take this challenge on, and we are doing what we can. I have struggled to come to terms, and so has she. The mother has simply told me that if I do what she says, I'll get access. If I don't, it's 'father unknown'. No input into his name. No access for me and partner - just for me. When I told her I want support, I was told 'bring your mother' or 'bring your sister', both of whom she has met. She's good friends with my sister, who has been horrendous throughout. Both of them have basically done all they can to shut my fiance out and show no signs of slowing down. 

The mother plays at reasonable (I'll never refuse you access etc) but refuses to have anything to do with my fiance at all. I understand the jealousy/hormones/rejection that may come with that decision not to be involved with her upon hearing the news, but she has refused to meet her during the pregnancy, acknowledge that she is with me (apart from in emails, in which she just says 'when i'm ready') and will not give any indication of how long this will go on for. 

I have suggested a thousand different ways to approach this. We offered to come up to where she lives on a Saturday, get an airbnb and just see him when is appropriate for the mother. She refused. She won't let him out of her sight, so I can't take him for a walk. Anything that may result in his meeting my partner is refused. I'm allowed in her house but my partner isn't. My mum and dad are, but she's not budging. She just says 'not yet'. I ask months? How many? I am just told that she isn't comfortable and my partner will have to wait. 

I don't want to spend time with him without her in a stranger's flat who clearly has an agenda. She's my partner and she's done an awful lot of good for me, holding me up through pretty tough times. I won't leave her outside like a dog outside a newsagent and have implored to the mother many times, in many different ways. All are met with the same response. 

I'm thinking of mediation but am worried that I will not be given a route map, something which I desperately need. An amount of time, a guarantee that she won't always seek to be this obstructive... I've missed out a lot of things as it's a long and complicated story, but this is the gist. My question is: 
  • how old does he need to be before i can feasibly take him for a walk in his pram? (she is breastfeeding and so I asked for a 20-minute, half an hour walk)
  • can I insist on contact somewhere neutral? The last time I went into her house she told me to F off for asking about the walk again 
  • Can I feasibly be told that I have to play her game and that she can decide when I'm fit to take him out or have him with me out of her flat? 

It's an incredibly stifling environment. She's not stupid and she's normally careful to make herself seem reasonable, but then doesn't move in the slightest. I just want to find a way to make this kind of enforced, unpleasant contact something which I can work away from. At the moment, she knows she holds the power and simply tells me just that.

You need to get PR for the child, if your not on the Birth Certificate, as you have no legal standing (except to pay Child Support as the natural father).

With PR, you are on the same legal standing as her, until an Order is made.

Until the Child is 2, you will get 4-6 hours of contact a week, over 1 or 2 days. This is you collecting the child, and taking the child where you want, before returning the child back to your ex.

From 2, you will get every other weekend, and up to half school holidays.

Apply to Court for PR, then its Mediation, before Court to get Contact.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#3
if you try and push these two women together the mother will probably just dig her heels in more.

If you get contact awarded for a few hours a week you can have the child in the company of whomever you like in your time including your girlfriend so this is a way round the mothers refusal which may stop some of the aggro as there is nothing Mother can do. If she stops contact then you have to enforce again and again if needs be.

The mother can only do a Sarah’s Law check on your partner to check her background and if she comes up as clean as a whistle then mother cannot do a thing.
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#4
Thanks a lot, both of you. Appreciated.

I have PR and am on the birth certificate. I'm going to suggest mediation as a way to potentially agree a route map - my only concern is that because he's so young, she can claim that she doesn't want to let him out of her sight while she's breastfeeding.

In the meantime I'll get a CRB check for my partner, then!
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#5
(08-15-2017, 09:28 AM)GG83 Wrote: Thanks a lot, both of you. Appreciated.

I have PR and am on the birth certificate. I'm going to suggest mediation as a way to potentially agree a route map - my only concern is that because he's so young, she can claim that she doesn't want to let him out of her sight while she's breastfeeding.

In the meantime I'll get a CRB check for my partner, then!

Even when breatfeeding, you will get 4-6 hours over 1 or 2 days.

You do not need to get a CRB check, your ex would need to evidance your partner is a risk to a Court to get a PSO. Without that, right now your on the Same Legal Standing as her, and once a Child Arrangements Order is made, you outrank her in the time the Court puts the child in your care.

Either from 2, or when you can evidance she has feeding provisionin place when the child is left in the care of anyone else  (Expressing, using Formular Milk etc)  then you should start to get overnights.

In law your have Responabilitys to your child, but you have no legal right to (or want) contact with your ex.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#6
You do not need to get a CRB check, your ex would need to evidance your partner is a risk to a Court to get a PSO. Without that, right now your on the Same Legal Standing as her, and once a Child Arrangements Order is made, you outrank her in the time the Court puts the child in your care.

Can some explanation be provided to this advice?
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