Separated Dad lodging down south, budding relationship with landlady - sanity check

[AhrimanUK]

First timer looking for advice.

I work in the SE but FMH is in the Staff Moorlands.

I've been lodging just outside of London since October last year, ostensibly to push my career but in reality also getting family used to me not being there should things go pear shaped marriage-wise - I'd pretty much emotionally checked out and was waiting for the inevitable split since the start of 2016. 

Things came to a head start of Feb this year - I admitted my feelings had changed.

I agreed to move out 2nd week of Feb 11th, and went from lodging mon - fri to only coming up north to see the kids (at my mum's) every other weekend. Every alternate weekend was spent at the lodgings.

I became good friends quickly with my landlady, and that's grown into a something more about six weeks ago. She works out of the country the majority of the time so we agreed to take things slowly given my very complicated situation.

I am about to begin mediation with my wife, and during a face to face yest she asked a very few straight questions yesterday about whether I am seeing my landlady and was there anything else I need to tell her etc. I admitted that things had moved on recently, that the timing was dire etc. and that doesn't change my focus on sorting out finances with her for the longer term. 

Unsurprisingly things have now blown up. From my side I've said the timings sh*t, it's a mistake in that sense but I don't regret it in itself. We are separated and never getting back together etc. etc.

My kids both know, which is erm nice obviously.

Waffle aside, should I now move out of my lodgings and get a place of my own / another room in a diff house? The numbers I'm putting forwards for the mediation assume that I need a single bed / studio within swinging distances of my office. 

My wife is already arguing that I will need less money if I carry on living with landlady. I've said that I have no idea what's happening there and that I will probably get my own place to set that in stone.

Setting aside the wisdom of starting what could be a new relationship this quickly after separation, should I move out ASAP and set my own circumstances in stone unrelated to any budding relationships??? Any other advice?

I've accepted that she could indeed divorce me now for adultery - she thinks that will improve her settlement but I know that's not the case (not said as much tho!).

I don't want to screw my wife and kids over, and I don't want to screw things up with a great woman who's been support supportive since I moved in (she's nearly two years into her own separation).

Any thought etc. much appreciated.

[Hazy]

If your relationship with your landlady is still financially that iof landlord and lodger then you are not living with her as such just dating her. So you are not financially dependent on each other and have no financial association in that you jointly pay for things like electric, mortgage etc. aside from the lodging arrangement as there is no commitment. As a lodger you are not adequately housed in a place of your own.

Lodging however is not an ideal situation for child contact. A studio flat wouldn’t be ideal either so at minimum you should be looking at a place suitable for overnight stays which at minimum would be a one bed flat but you need to take into account ages and sex of children.

[MarkR]

(08-20-2017, 10:05 AM)Hazy Wrote: If your relationship with your landlady is still financially that iof landlord and lodger then you are not living with her as such just dating her.  So you are not financially dependent on each other and have no financial association in that you jointly pay for things like electric, mortgage etc. aside from the lodging arrangement as there is no commitment.  As a lodger you are not adequately housed in a place of your own.

Lodging however is not an ideal situation for child contact. A studio flat wouldn’t be ideal either so at minimum you should be looking at a place suitable for overnight stays which at minimum would be a one bed flat but you need to take into account ages and sex of children.

There is no issue with having contact where you are Lodging as far as the guidlines are concerned, as long as you have permission from the landlord/landlady.

You need to have a bed for the child, what can be a blow up or camp bed, toilet and washing facilitys, cooking facilitys and somewhere for them to play or a living area, depending on age. The only issue you might have, is that children over 10 should not share a room with anyone of the other sex.

For information Hazy, this changed when Housing Benefit rules for under 35 became that you can only based a claim on the Local Housing Allowance for a Single Room in a shared House. For example, in Milton Keynes this is about £70 per week they will allow, where as for a 1 bedroom House/Flat, in the past (and for over 35's) they will based a claim on £125 per week.

[Drew65]

Just wondering pal,

WHAT has your has your new life/relationships, got to do with her?
I think telling her you were in a new relationship with someone else just added fuel to her fires but that my opinion.
Maybe lesson learned there.
I just told my ex it had nothing to do with her and to get stuffed (in not so many words)

[AhrimanUK]

Ta for replies thus far, all.

I have two kids - girl late teens and boy about to become a teenager. Eldest isn't talking to me now (number blocked, facebook unfriend etc.), but that's not unexpected - time will tell.

@Drew: re: why I told her about it, I was asked very direct questions that I would have either had to refuse to answer or flat out lie. I didn't want to do either, so I decided to be up front. Yes, things have gone nuclear - and still are as I type - but it's out in the open now and there are no more nasty surprises for me to spring. It's her turn to do that now!

Wife has already looked at how co-habitation on my part could positively impact a future financial settlement for her - and from what I've seen it could. So I will almost certainly need to move out and get a place properly of my own before too long. Argh.

We have the first proper financial mediation session next week where they take the figures we're both putting in for current & future financials, and they'll be able to say how my living situation impacts things.

As Hazy has commented, financially from both my and my landlady's perspective I am genuinely living just as a lodger (with benefits) - no shared financials at all beyond the monthly rent. But I'm not sure that that will matter legally given the budding relationship status :-(

It's good to know that in theory I could say I need the money for a place with at least two bedrooms so both my kids could stay. In reality, a single bedroom would be enough for the time being. They might argue that I need to move further away from my office, but the rental price for a single bed flat wouldn't vary that much from where I am no matter which direction I go (£650 for a no too crappy place is the figure I'm using).

Any other advice much appreciated. I am trying to avoid moving out - but the more I hear / read the less likely I am thinking that is going to be.

[Hazy]

It’s fairly straightforward. You don’t see your lodgings as permanent and whilst you are dating the landlady it is too soon for you to be thinking of any long term commitment.

Your desire is a place of your own, something longer term than lodging.