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Splitting up & Residence
#1
Question 
Hi everyone,

I'm in a position that I can no longer in good put up with my partner. Everything I do seems to be taken sideways and ends up in her shouting at me. I then get upset that she is moaning over something trivial and whether I argue back in a civil tone or shout back as I don't feel I'm being heard, by 5 year old hears it and equally becomes upset.
Our relationship is constantly hostile, there is no love between us.

I don't want him to see our relationship as normal and want to split but I am torn.
Clearly to me this shouting I receive is domestic abuse and the last thing I want is for someone else (such as social services) to make any decisions for me.

We both own the house and have a provision on the deeds that we get back what we have put in (as deposits were not equal) plus 50/50 share of profit. We pay for everything equally so the money side of things on a split shouldn't be a problem.

My main concern is that of residence. I understand that the courts side with the mother but I am the main carer in the case of taking our son too and from childminder/grandparents. This is because we both work and she leaves for work earlier than me and gets home later.

Thus ongoing I can't see how she could get him too/from childcarers/school without a drastic change.
She is very career driven whilst I have flexibility in my hours.

She wants to stay together and whilst I have felt the same way, nothing has improved over since our son was born and the shouting continues.

We have talked about splitting and she keeps on delaying the inevitable with excluses (always hoping things will get better and that I might love her again). I feel like I am treading on eggshells all the time, feel anxious about doing something wrong most of the time and this has lead to me feeling rather depressed.

Through all of this though I still have respect for her, just resentment for the years of unhappiness I have experienced with her.

I have spoken with a domestic abuse advisor at work and have been advised to seek out a family law solicitor but their costs are rather high for something I think I kind of understand from searches online.

She has stated that she wants to move further away from where we are settled now as she can get more for her money (from the sale of the house when we go through all of this).

For me, my parents are near and I plan to move there so we can keep our son at his current school which he has settled into well (has friends there from nursery).

Ideally I would want to share residency, not go to court and still maintain as much sence of stability as possible. I just cant live with her any longer.

Where do I stand and can anyone advise me as how to diplomatically proceed with this nightmare of a situation?

Thank you for any comments in advance.
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#2
(08-23-2017, 03:49 PM)Mystweaver Wrote: Hi everyone,

I'm in a position that I can no longer in good put up with my partner. Everything I do seems to be taken sideways and ends up in her shouting at me. I then get upset that she is moaning over something trivial and whether I argue back in a civil tone or shout back as I don't feel I'm being heard, by 5 year old hears it and equally becomes upset.
Our relationship is constantly hostile, there is no love between us.

I don't want him to see our relationship as normal and want to split but I am torn.
Clearly to me this shouting I receive is domestic abuse and the last thing I want is for someone else (such as social services) to make any decisions for me.

We both own the house and have a provision on the deeds that we get back what we have put in (as deposits were not equal) plus 50/50 share of profit. We pay for everything equally so the money side of things on a split shouldn't be a problem.

My main concern is that of residence. I understand that the courts side with the mother but I am the main carer in the case of taking our son too and from childminder/grandparents. This is because we both work and she leaves for work earlier than me and gets home later.

Thus ongoing I can't see how she could get him too/from childcarers/school without a drastic change.
She is very career driven whilst I have flexibility in my hours.

She wants to stay together and whilst I have felt the same way, nothing has improved over since our son was born and the shouting continues.

We have talked about splitting and she keeps on delaying the inevitable with excluses (always hoping things will get better and that I might love her again). I feel like I am treading on eggshells all the time, feel anxious about doing something wrong most of the time and this has lead to me feeling rather depressed.

Through all of this though I still have respect for her, just resentment for the years of unhappiness I have experienced with her.

I have spoken with a domestic abuse advisor at work and have been advised to seek out a family law solicitor but their costs are rather high for something I think I kind of understand from searches online.

She has stated that she wants to move further away from where we are settled now as she can get more for her money (from the sale of the house when we go through all of this).

For me, my parents are near and I plan to move there so we can keep our son at his current school which he has settled into well (has friends there from nursery).

Ideally I would want to share residency, not go to court and still maintain as much sence of stability as possible. I just cant live with her any longer.

Where do I stand and can anyone advise me as how to diplomatically proceed with this nightmare of a situation?

Thank you for any comments in advance.

No detail what might identify you or anyone in your case, what what sort of distance (not locations) are we talking about?

If your looking at over 1 hours drive, you might be able to obtain a Prohibited Steps Court Order perventing relocation, due to the affect it will have on Child Arrangements.

The normal starting point for contact is Friday till Sunday every 2 weeks, and up to half school holidays, if that suits the Non Resident Parnets avalaiblity.

If there is distance involved, then no Court is going to award shared care.

One things I did pick up on, her move away will also limit the number of nights you have the Children, what could result in higher Child Support.

How it works is you get a reduction if you exceed 52 nights a year, then more at 104, 156 and 175 nights.

There is 39 weeks a year term time, so you will either have 40 or 38 nights that way (depending on if you have contact in week 1), and even if you only take 4 weeks of the holiday (1 week Easter and Christmas, with 2 weeks and another weekend in the summer), you in the 53-104 night bracket.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#3
Thanks for the responce MarkR.

Yes it would be more than an hour away.

Is there a way to deal with things like this without having to go to court?
Could we just draw up an agreement and see how it goes?

Here is my optimism kicking in:
IF we can agree to share residency by living close enough that I could care for our son Mon/Wed/Fri/Sun, and her the other days alternating but being flexible... does child maintenance even come into the equation?

Please note, that if it comes down to it, I would fight for custody. If she moves away from the area we currently live and I stay, could it be expected to go more into my favour due to keeping stability?

Also, how much consideration does the court take regarding the history of care? (For the past 5 years I have done all the taxi'ing and evening care, as well as alternate Saturdays. Both of us have been around for Sundays... does it even matter?).

Lastly, I presume because our son is only 5 his opinion would not be taken into account?

Thanks once again.
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#4
Yes, your son is to young to have his opinion taken into account. They have to be at least 10 years old.

Mothers get residency 92% percent of the time according to some figures I have seen quoted. You can try and mutually agree between yourselves a shared care agreement but failing that you may need to get a court order. Based on your a history of caring for the child you should ask for a shared care agreement and could perhaps be given it based on various factors . If she disagrees then you will have to negotiate and may end up setlrling for less or a court may order alternate weekends. It is not easy to be sure of outcomes.

It would however need you both to live fairly close to one another and to schools etc for a shared care arrangement to be workable in the courts eyes.

If she is careeer minded she may even agree to things as it may help with her plans to continue her career. Who knows?

Shared care for non payment of maintenance purposes means you have to have equal day to day to care rather than just equal nights a shared day to fay care arrangement men’s you are not a non resident parent.

You may also be able to get a prohibited steps order to stop her moving too far away.
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#5
Sorry if this is missing the point - just wondered if you had tried mediation. I know it's not a great idea when she is abusive - just thought it may be a way to try and get an agreement drawn up re child arrangements. But as MarkR says, if she's thinking of moving away you might need to act quick and get a prohibited steps order.

Am trying to think through your situation to. Do you have to move out of the house? If she wishes to move away and you want to stay in the same area, then could you not keep the house and buy her out? Or is that not affordable? The thinking being, the house is currently the child's home. All I can advise, having been through a bad divorce, is once it comes to separation and divorce, you can't trust what the other person says. It's a bit weird. On the one hand you're used to being married and telling each other everything. But once it comes to talking about splitting suddenly you have different agendas and however amicable you want it to be it can turn nasty.

If she is talking about moving away, it doesn't sound likely you would get shared care unless agreed and in an order (I am not a legal expert by the way, just my experience). An agreement may not be kept to and then it's no longer an agreement.

I think it's worth paying for some good legal advice at this stage. You may be advised to stay put until the divorce is finalised and child arrangements finalised. I'm not up on current things but I think if the child stays in the home with you, and she leaves, then the child lives with you. But you'd need legal advice. I know someone who took out a restraining order on his wife and changed the locks to keep residency and the house, but that was a long time ago and I'm not sure if it's legal to change the locks. Sorry if that sounds unpleasant.
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#6
Thanks for the responces.

A shared care agreement sounds like the way I would want it to go.
We haven't actually separated yet... rather we are taking about it (and we are not married).

Depending on what decision she makes, a prohibited steps order could be a move, but could her moving too far benefit me in the courts eyes?

Buying her out isnt really an option. We could only afford the house we have by pooling our salaries. Whilst I could afford the mortgage alone, it would be a struggle with other bills/food etc. In buying her out, I would have to increase the mortgage to release the funds... just not going to be possible Sad
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