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facing a brick wall on every issue
#1
it is over a year since i posted here , things have continued to be difficult. i am a grandparent writing about issues on behalf of my son. 

we live live in Northern ireland but my sons ex went back to live in england with their son. the child is 11 .

Basically, she makes access very difficult. (but does not deny access) she changes dates, or doesnt give dates until the last minute. a pattern has long since evolved whereby those dates usually coincide with the most expensive dates to fly. there is always a different reason as to why his access is delayed longer and longer, manipulated by her until a visit has actually been missed, etc etc. 

their relationship is by text . when it suits her she replies and if she doesnt want to reply then she doesnt. and says she didnt get any texts etc. 

it is impossible to talk to her (text) , she has the "talk to the hand" approach "because the face is not listening"
and when my son tries to to reason with her, she says "You are not listening to me" inferring that once she has spoken and made a decision or said something then that is an end to it and he is not allowed to query, challenge, change or discuss it with her. 

she does not play her part in travelling alternate months to bring their son here to Northern Ireland for visits. my son makes all the visits there to England. flights, car hire, hotel/b&b etc. or he brings the boy back here depending on how long he is allowed to have him. in such a situation where he brings their son home, it costs him the price of 6 flights. . he has to fly to england and then home again with his son. £ flights and then he has to bring his son back to england and then return home himself , another 3 flights.

my son has never missed any opportunity he was given to see the boy!  

it seems like his ex's goal is to make life as difficult as possible for my son . its like she wants to torture him. it seems all she wants is money, everything revolves around money!  she wants to bleed him dry and in fact i believe from her behaviour over the years that she is trying to break him.!!!

he dreads when he  has to even text her to ask for access dates. it becomes a long drwan out torturous process. she finds any issue she can to try to create an argument . and no matter what he responds to her, she will find a problem with it.  he asks well in advance so that she has plenty of notice but even at that, she will drag it out to the very end. 

she wants money for this and money for that and money for the other . he pays his child maintenence and even the child arrears which he strongly disputes he owes . * arrears based on her saying that he never gave her any money when she lived here,* but he did give her money into her hand, she wouldnt allow him to put it into her bank account and said she didnt want to go through child support and yes, he was stupid enough to follow her lead. she never complained about money when she was here, but when he tried to stop her going to england, she said she would make his life hell for that and as soon as she got to england thats what she proceeded to do

she went t the child support agency and told them he owed her money. so payments started going through them and they made him pay arrears.. 


he works part time in his job and he has a second small income from work he does privatley. he cannot afford to take her to court to say that she is not fulfilling her agreement . he cannot afford to to take her for contempt of court. he is at a losss as to what to do and is seriously worn out. that is why since last year i have taken to look for help and advice for him in any way i can. so if anybody out there can advise us as to how to handle a woman like her and a situation like this. we would be very grateful

Vee
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#2
These cases are so very sad.

Unfortunately the only way is court. Cheapest way is to self represent but it would probably be held in England at a court near to her.

Your son needs to keep records of every text and every missed opportunity and use these if he decides to pursue this. As part of the process he can ask for a penalty to be added for obstructing contact. He may well have a special case because of the distance and cost to see his child.

Self representing the court fee is £215 and if he is in a low income he will likely get a reduction. Is there a court order in place already?

He should be asking for half of all school holidays and maybe something in between if he can do that and can afford it. Contact if awarded is based around his availability.

As the child is over 10 years of age their wishes and desires may be taken into account and the problem with this can be if the Mother can influence the child to say things.

Also unfortunately I do not think she can be made to meet him half way but he will be entitled to reductions for travelling expenses and overnight stays. Has his CSA case been transferred over to the new CMS yet? The. CMS certainly gives reductions for travel but I’m not 100% certain ihow the CSA handles this.

As for the arrears, there is no arguing with the CSA/CMS over his so I suggest a robust complaint to your MP. More men need to complain in this way.

He must never pay anything more to her than the amounts calculated unless wishes to. If he doesn’t want to there is nothing she can do legally.

Kudos to your son for persevering and being prepared to fly so many times to see his child. Any court with sense should see a dedicated father here in my opinion.
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#3
Thank you so much for your advice and for your kind words.

yes , when they moved to england, it was agreed that they would take alternate visits. it was intended that she would come here to Northern Ireland, every other month with the boy and my son would go to england the alternate months. However, she does not stick to this. and has only taken the boy here once or twice herself. on any other occasion she sends the boy over with her parents or her brother and it is only once or twice a year.

my son and his boy have a very close bond. and the lad would love to live with his dad. but we are afraid to ask for his wishes to be considered as she would coach him, bribe him, influence him. etc. and if we lost the case, this would give her a greater excuse to punish my son and make access even harder again.

anyway, i am sure i will be this site ranting again about this girl and the situation again . but meantime thankyou again for your advice and i will pass your comments on to my son.

vee
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#4
If your son does go to court again he should ask for fixed dates like first weeek of easter holidays, first two weeks in August (or whatever suits ) etc and and for penalties to be applied should she breach. It would help if he contacted the school and got a list of all school holidays.
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#5
(08-25-2017, 05:53 PM)Vee Wrote: it is over a year since i posted here , things have continued to be difficult. i am a grandparent writing about issues on behalf of my son. 

we live live in Northern ireland but my sons ex went back to live in england with their son. the child is 11 .

Basically, she makes access very difficult. (but does not deny access) she changes dates, or doesnt give dates until the last minute. a pattern has long since evolved whereby those dates usually coincide with the most expensive dates to fly. there is always a different reason as to why his access is delayed longer and longer, manipulated by her until a visit has actually been missed, etc etc. 

their relationship is by text . when it suits her she replies and if she doesnt want to reply then she doesnt. and says she didnt get any texts etc. 

it is impossible to talk to her (text) , she has the "talk to the hand" approach "because the face is not listening"
and when my son tries to to reason with her, she says "You are not listening to me" inferring that once she has spoken and made a decision or said something then that is an end to it and he is not allowed to query, challenge, change or discuss it with her. 

she does not play her part in travelling alternate months to bring their son here to Northern Ireland for visits. my son makes all the visits there to England. flights, car hire, hotel/b&b etc. or he brings the boy back here depending on how long he is allowed to have him. in such a situation where he brings their son home, it costs him the price of 6 flights. . he has to fly to england and then home again with his son. £ flights and then he has to bring his son back to england and then return home himself , another 3 flights.

my son has never missed any opportunity he was given to see the boy!  

it seems like his ex's goal is to make life as difficult as possible for my son . its like she wants to torture him. it seems all she wants is money, everything revolves around money!  she wants to bleed him dry and in fact i believe from her behaviour over the years that she is trying to break him.!!!

he dreads when he  has to even text her to ask for access dates. it becomes a long drwan out torturous process. she finds any issue she can to try to create an argument . and no matter what he responds to her, she will find a problem with it.  he asks well in advance so that she has plenty of notice but even at that, she will drag it out to the very end. 

she wants money for this and money for that and money for the other . he pays his child maintenence and even the child arrears which he strongly disputes he owes . * arrears based on her saying that he never gave her any money when she lived here,* but he did give her money into her hand, she wouldnt allow him to put it into her bank account and said she didnt want to go through child support and yes, he was stupid enough to follow her lead. she never complained about money when she was here, but when he tried to stop her going to england, she said she would make his life hell for that and as soon as she got to england thats what she proceeded to do

she went t the child support agency and told them he owed her money. so payments started going through them and they made him pay arrears.. 


he works part time in his job and he has a second small income from work he does privatley. he cannot afford to take her to court to say that she is not fulfilling her agreement . he cannot afford to to take her for contempt of court. he is at a losss as to what to do and is seriously worn out. that is why since last year i have taken to look for help and advice for him in any way i can. so if anybody out there can advise us as to how to handle a woman like her and a situation like this. we would be very grateful

Vee

Hello. So sorry you and your son are in this situation. We've had years of something like this only in the same country. I agree with Hazy that the only way is court really, to get a reasonable schedule of time with his son, that is kept to and asking for a defined order is a good idea (our order isn't defined and having problems with it). This will specify dates child is to be with son, so you'd need to think about what would work. eg a large chunk of the school holidays and no term-time days, or one week-end a month and some school holidays. A good solicitor may be able to discuss the options with him. A defined order is also enforceable, so it is some incentive for the Mother to keep to it, as if she doesn't it can be enforced. Although Judges don't like sending Mothers to prison, there are other penalties especially if it happens a few times and if it did happen a few times it could be worth asking for a clause to be added that if the order is breached again, residence will be transferred to the Father.

In our experience, if you give them an inch they take a mile. The attitude with some of these difficult Mothers seems to be "the child is mine, I'm important and you're just a pain in the xxxx". Total disrespect.

I think it's important to sound respectful in an application and the wording can help, especially the more reasonable your son sounds - and he does sound reasonable.

Our difficulty is finding a Solicitor we feel is actually proactive enough for the situation. I think some of them get a bit laid back and I do find some can be a bit pro Mothers and used to thinking that way. I don't know what it's like in N Ireland, but here you can get a free half hour with a Solicitor. At one point we saw three different ones for a free half hour and went with the one we liked. We've had some bad advice from Solicitors too. If it doesn't feel right, don't go with them and try someone else.

With our application we applied ourselves then hired a solicitor for the hearing. We had some good advice from an online solicitor who helped with the application, and applied for a specific issues order, because had a holiday booked and she wouldn't allow child to come and stopped contact with allegations. The advice was to apply for specific issues for the holiday and child arrangements at the same time, to get the ball rolling. It was all sorted in one hearing, but unfortunately the child arrangements isn't defined.

Would suggest doing it now before child turns 12.
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