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Need Some Advice About Kids And Their Mother
#1
Hi there

My situation is a little different to that of most of you as I am actually a woman, and so was my ex! However my story is much the same and my legal situation is also the same so I'm hoping you can offer some advice. Here's my story...

My ex and I were (are still) married as civil partners, this means that any children we have by artificial insemination, when born, are legally mine as the other parent. Long story short, my ex and I have a 9 year old girl and twin boys aged 16 months together. All three children are legally mine, my daughter because I adopted her under the step-parent law after we moved here from Ireland (I am from here, she is from Ireland), the boys because we were married at the time of their conception and I am on their birth certificate. Anyway, this is neither here nor there, I am aware that I have PR.

Anyway, last January I decided enough was enough and left my ex and the kids, I never once decided that this was for my sanity, and it was rather because my ex is very aggressive in her manner and everything was a row, my daughter has watched it for years and I didn't want my boys to grow up seeing the same thing. At the end of February I got together with a girl who I have known for a couple of years and who I have been close friends with. This was terrible timing I know, but for me the relationship with my ex was over a long time before it actually was.

Since the split my ex has been playing games, she never stops me from seeing the kids, but it is always only at her home or out and about on a day trip or occasionally at my own mothers. She refused to let the kids anywhere near my current partner and used the excuse that shes clearly a bad influence on them (which is BS as she is a teaching assistant who cares for children with learning difficulties on a daily basis, she's far from a bad influence on anyone). When my partner and I got our own place recently I was told the kids couldn't come there unless my partner went out.

Recently her tune changed and my 9 year old has been allowed to come and stay with us every second Friday for the night which is great. I still see the boys and my daughter at her house on Wednesday night when she is out, but again, only at her house. Whenever my daughter stays with us she seems really happy and never plays up, but apparently when she goes home she acts out, is rude, angry and according to her mother "disgusting". She is blaming this on me and my partner and saying that she is only ever going to be allowed to stay here one night at a time from now on, which means no taking her away and no extra time during holidays such as Christmas or Easter.

As for the twins, I barely see them at all, because I refuse to have sole access to them at her house. Its uncomfortable and sends my daughter the wrong message. She has said that they can come to my house when it is baby proofed which it now is, but she still won't let them come because "she doesn't like my partner". I understand that they cannot stay over until they are 2 but I don't see why I can't have them for the day here and there. 

I spoke to a family lawyer (as I really cannot afford to take her to court over this, although I do pay maintenance every week without fail), and they advised me to write her a letter or have them do it for a fee, outlining what access I want and when. Then if that doesn't work, try mediation and then court.

What I am looking for is advise on how to write this letter. I have put it off as one minute she has me fooled into thinking she is being amicable and then in the next breath she turns on me again. It does appear that whenever I mention court or mediation, things seem to go my way for a few weeks, then she goes back to being snidy and controlling. Its driving me mad, I intend to send this letter now, as I have had enough and it isn't fair on any of the kids. Can anyone help or recommend a site that has templates?

Thanks - and sorry for the long drawn out story!!!
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#2
Hey there

Welcome to the Boards Smile

Someone will be along shortly to answer in full.

One thing I will say is, dont take anything for granted, and dont take anything that is said as gospel. I have learnt that the hard way - even now. I get things promised and then in the next email/breath/text/whatsapp its all changed.
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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#3
(09-19-2017, 01:06 PM)invisibleintellectual Wrote: Hey there

Welcome to the Boards Smile

Someone will be along shortly to answer in full.  

One thing I will say is, dont take anything for granted, and dont take anything that is said as gospel.  I have learnt that the hard way - even now.  I get things promised and then in the next email/breath/text/whatsapp its all changed.

Yeah that sounds about right! I've given her the benefit of the doubt so much and while my partner says I need to get a letter done, I keep saying "No, she's being ok, I don't want to rock the boat" but I think enough is enough.
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#4
Your in the position I was in way back in November of Last Year - even sometimes now I think "Nah shes being OK" then she will say something that COMPLETELY changes it all and I am glad that I went down the court route as its slowly getting me where I need to be.
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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#5
I think anything agreed or discussed won't be kept to by the sound of it. I would go for a initial mediation appointment (MIAM) which you go to on your own and explain the situation to the mediator. She can then invited the ex to attend. Before that happens you can send your ex an email saying you'd like to reach an agreement on how to proceed with spending time with the children and think it would be helpful if you discussed it at mediation. That you have been for an appointment and the mediator will be inviting her to attend.

It saves time, kills two birds with one stone (ie you're writing the letter/email and starting the mediation process which avoids delays and going back on things day by day). One tip I would say is print out all emails, sent or received, as soon as they come and keep them in a big lever arch file. Don't rely on leaving them on your computer.

The mediator will try and get you to see each others' points of view, explain how it seems to the children and how to try and agree something that works for everyone. He/She will also address the issue of your ex not wanting your new partner to be involved. They will try and get you to draw up an agreement or parenting plan which you both sign. If she goes, it can help resolve some issues, but only if both are willing to try and get a solution. The parenting agreement isn't legally binding but could be helpful if you have to apply to court.

If she refuses mediation or doesn't turn up or it just fails, you asked to be signed off. You can then apply to court for a child arrangements order to formalise when the children stay with you and for how long.

You probably will need to go to court by the sound of it.
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#6
Hi there

I'm wondering if anyone could help?

Me and my ex separated just after Christmas 2016. I left the family home and am now living on my own in rented accommodation. Up until the end of May this year we had an arrangement that I see my daughter (8 yr old) every Wednesday evening, Friday evening and both days on a weekend every week. Also half terms were from Wednesday to Friday as well. I was happy with this as I spent time with my daughter and felt very fortunate with the situation.
Since the end of May I have spent around 2 hours with my daughter. Every time I call to speak to her no-one answers the phone, every time I go round on a 'not set day' I get told to go away by both my daughter and ex. Also if I do go round to the house on a greed day (which is now only a Wednesday) my daughter answers the door refuses to talk to me and will talk to me through a 4 inch gap in the door.
As you can imagine I am now finding it very difficult, I don't want to give up on her however it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle.
As far as I'm aware my daughter doesn't have much choice until she hits teenage years and should be seeing me on a regular basis.
My ex is not helping in anyway at all and I cant afford to fight in the courts as have no disposable income.
Help me please!!!!
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#7
If you self represent in court you may very well get a reduction in any fees if on a low income. Contact your local court for advice on these fees.

You would have to attempt mediation first though. If she doesn’t co operate it will be signed off allowing you proceed to court.
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#8
(09-29-2017, 09:07 PM)Hazy Wrote: If you  self represent in court you may very well get a reduction in any fees if on a low income. Contact your local court for advice on these fees.

You would have to attempt mediation first though. If she doesn’t co operate it will be signed off allowing you proceed to court.

Hi

Thank you for this.

I am in the process of writing a letter to my ex wife as I have again not spoke to my daughter since Wednesday evening. I was hoping I could have some sort of advise guidance in what to write to her. The only way to get her to acknowledge anything I want to progress with is to write to her as she will not answer the phone at all.

Regards
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#9
Forum etiquette... ConcernedDad1982 please start a new thread so help on this one can be directed to issues raised by "draddict"
It also helps you get better answers
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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