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Parental Alienation
#1
Hi,

I am sure many of you have been through this situation so some advice would be much appreciated;

I left my marriage when my brother died as it became apparent very quickly that the relationship I had with my wife was not what I thought it was. When I left I was told the children would hate me, amongst multiple other things.

I have been separated for around 18 months now and going through a very slow divorce. I have three children, 13, 10 and 7. I have had to go to court to get a court order to ensure I get more than a minimal amount of time with my children, which is now in place. When CAFCASS got involved they told me that they could only let my oldest daughter make her own mind up as she was of an age where they cannot direct her to see me. They did try but her mother got involved which changed my daughters mind.

I had a great relationship with my oldest daughter before I left and since that point I am fully aware that my ex and her parents ensure they do everything they can to promote her not having a relationship with me and quite obviously manipulate her. They also try to manipulate my other children and there are multiple examples I could go into. My ex has also broken the court order in relation to my other two children a number of times now. Also, her and her parents will always turn up to any event on my time, football etc. I wouldn't be too bothered but I feel it puts the children in an awkward position as it isn't amicable. I don't do the same when it is my wife's weekend for that reason. My ex father in law also wanted to move my ex and my children abroad to live with him when he first heard we split! He has now moved back to the uk. (oh joy!)

Any advice.....

Thanks in advance...
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#2
Hey mate

No advice really but you are not alone... the turning up to events .. ... it happens and its a pain I know... mother there disrupting your quality time ... acting like mother of the year but stopping you have quality time with kids at every chance... you want to yell it out but somehow it stays inside.

Hold you head up high and only be concerned about your actions ... not hers

If she breaks court order you can go back to court and ask for it to be enforced or varied

Your daughter will come round ... she's 13.. this could have happened if you were at home... teenagers eh? But always be there for her and tell her you love her. Keep a diary of when you where stopped seeing her or you feel they were manipulated etc... it might be nice to reflect back with her when she is 18 or so that you don't blame her but it caused some pain and you were always thinking about her

Also search Malicious Mother Syndrome on google ... I got a full house "BINGO"
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#3
Important thing with alienation is to keep showing them a normal time with you. So try and avoid asking them lots of questions about what's going on, and never say anything bad about the ex. I just don't mention her at all. They will work out what is a normal time and what is someone constantly going on about their Dad. It can affect them though. Important to keep them coming regularly. If you google parental alienation the advice from the experts is - enforce every breach of the order. It sets a pattern with the courts so they can see what's happening. If the order isn't enforceable you might need to apply to have it defined. When it's defined it can include things like dates and times they are with you. It wouldn't stop people turning up at public events. If it becomes very intrustive - eg hijacking the kid for long periods on your time, you could also ask for a prohibited steps or specific issues order at the same time as enforcing. Saying ex will do something or will not do something. Not sure it would stop her parents though. They are the kids grandparents so kind of understandable they would want to see and be involved, but if it's not amicable that can make kids feel uncomfortable and spoil their time so that's a reason for a specific issues order maybe.
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#4
(10-08-2017, 08:28 AM)Charlie7000 Wrote: Important thing with alienation is to keep showing them a normal time with you.  So try and avoid asking them lots of questions about what's going on, and never say anything bad about the ex.  I just don't mention her at all.  They will work out what is a normal time and what is someone constantly going on about their Dad.  It can affect them though.  Important to keep them coming regularly.  

This is really good advice From Charlie.
A few members have all had the vitriolic ex (including me). The recurring plan of action as they will all allude to, is be the bigger person, don't rise to situations. If the littlun says "mums says blah blah" or "mums boyfriend says XXXX" then divert the question, avoid the answer.

Like Charlie also alludes to, the kids do eventually see the rotten side of nasty people (in most cases). Mine did to a certain extent even with all the nasty venom the ex spewed to the kids.  
I unfortunately bit, and bit hard. slanging matches just props up what the mum says about you and confirms it to the kid. But after what my ex did to me, I was full of hatred and it showed.
I think, simply rising above, keeping calm (even though you want to punch her new boyfriend right the the goolies) and disproving her venom, by showing the kids she  is simply quite wrong, will go way further with the kids than all the venom she can ever generate.
Advice & opinions on this forum are offered informally, without any assumption of liability. Use your own judgment. Seek advice of a qualified and insured professional.
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#5
One day when kids grow up and enter the world of relationships, have their hearts broken or break hearts they will then understand better how relationships can go wrong.

The DR Foster TV programme that was recently on was good. Two warring parents both ended up without their son when he chose to run away from them both.
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#6
My 'legal' advice is as Charlie7000 says, enforce.

You say she has breached a number of times. If that's the case, then you need to enforce for proper not turning up with the kids breaches. You need to build that pattern and you need to do it so the court can see what she's like. The family frankly needs to f**k off when you have the children and you need it in the order that if the children are with you on school sports day, fetes and the like, they need to be elsewhere unless mutually agreed with you prior to the day. I would choose that amendment to the order rather than prohibited steps which means someone will lose out seeing the Nativity play etc and may just drive home the point that they need to stay away unless agreed and behave when present. Oh and you need to allow no more than two breaches before you enforce. You just need to stay on top of it.
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