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her affair has floored me....
#11
Thanks LTCDAD. Yes I will try and do everything in my power to make sure this works for the kids....they are my world and always will be....that's why this is so hard....and as for still loving her....that's a no I do not and can not love her after what she has done....and yes we did stop working at it...and now it's too late.

Hi wasta64

I have tried to work hard in the last year for this relationship pussy footing around her not wanting to upset her all for what f all that what...and this still happened.

I wish I never bothered my arse....been a total waste of a year...this affair has just made it even harder to end the relationship in a proper and dignified way now...so many other factors to think of...now if I let on that I know, she will turn nasty and defensive...if she keeps the house will she moved him in....will she have another baby...and what will the kids think when she let's him into there lives....as if it not hard enough to cope with all this without adding them onto my list of worries
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#12
(11-01-2017, 09:17 PM)scottb Wrote: Thanks LTCDAD. Yes I will try and do everything in my power to make sure this works for the kids....they are my world and always will be....that's why this is so hard....and as for still loving her....that's a no I do not and can not love her after what she has done....and yes we did stop working at it...and now it's too late.

Hi wasta64

I have tried to work hard in the last year for this relationship pussy footing around her not wanting to upset her all for what f all that what...and this still happened.

I wish I never bothered my arse....been a total waste of a year...this affair has just made it even harder to end the relationship in a proper and dignified way now...so many other factors to think of...now if I let on that I know, she will turn nasty and defensive...if she keeps the house will she moved him in....will she have another baby...and what will the kids think when she let's him into there lives....as if it not hard enough to cope with all this without adding them onto my list of worries

look up chumplady on the internet. It's mostly for women who have been portrayed but it offers some good advice. The most important being 'Don't blame yourself'
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#13
(11-01-2017, 02:41 PM)Petem Wrote: Hi Scott,

I would find out where you stand legally. Lots of Solicitors will give you a free session for an initial consultation. I went to a few and asked them different questions. You can check online or I was signposted through Citizens Advice. Then just take it from there.

However I feel for you I really do. And whilst it may only be clicks of a keyboard, I think it's fair to say that we're all here for you.

And to Drew65  

**** man! That's unbelievable! I genuinely don't know how you keep going. My admiration for you has gone through the roof.

My point partially was, I didnt keep going. 
She destroyed me, crushed me. so bad I toppled. Turned to booze, some drugs, anti depressants, sleeping pills, eventually two nervous breakdowns, enough to put me in the priory for a few months after I attempted suicide. And no it wasnt a cry for help, I was intent on doing it, and only the friend I was staying with at the time coming home earlier than expected, caught me attempting, and got me to hospital.

Over the years the ex was a violent alcoholic and broke my fingers, ribs, nose, eye socket, blacked eyes, stabbed me and pretty much smashed every plate in the house in her drunken furies. I restrained her, but never hit back. I feared for my life many times but, I had my kids to think about. but in the 80's, to come out and say "i'm being hit by the wife" wasn't the done thing, and no one would have believed me anyway. I remember watching a scene on Coronation st where a woman was doing this, and it made me shudder.

So you see my point, staying for the kids, doesnt always work. it may for some, but I regret doing it. I should have had the guts to move on, but things like the cot death, the second child contracting leukaemia, and the 3rd nearly dying from meningitis, I didn't have enough courage and backbone to go. I know it appears hypocritical, but I walked out, after what she had done, and I couldn't take it any more. When I had the first nervous breakdown, I sat in a layby on the A23 going to Brighton, and cried and cried for almost 3 hours. My boss told me to go home and I didnt work for almost 18 months.

The final straw was when she as I mentioned was planning to go again with another bloke, I found out she was planning to go to a damn swinging party, with him posing as her husband.
I wasnt a saint, I worked away most of the time in the mindset of providing for my family. But it kind of backfired on me.

Now I have learned my lessons, and a lot of the time I want to tell people to get a grip, because if I can go through what I have over the last 30 years, then everyone can get through this and come out the other side. I will never say it will be easy, it wont it will be painful and crappy, but it is possible.
Advice & opinions on this forum are offered informally, without any assumption of liability. Use your own judgment. Seek advice of a qualified and insured professional.
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#14
I'm genuinely stunned. And in all absolute seriousness, I don't know how you kept going. My situations rough, but not a patch on what you've been through.

This might be weird, but thank you for the perspective.
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#15
Thanks wasta64

I'll look that up....and cheers I'll try not blame myself.. I'm sure when we get to the big day she will put the blame on me....that's why I'm not rushing into the big talk with her....getting my facts and advice and my head in a better place will prepare me for that I hope. This forum is helping me alot....thanks guys

Wow drew65 you had one hell off a rough time...sorry to hear all that....I'm glad you got through it and are sharing it with us...I am getting a grip as you put it...and it's good to know that I will get through this and it wI'll be hard at times but just need to stay strong and positive for my kids....cheers man

And drew65 I second what Petem says.. .respect to you for getting through all that and thanks for your help in this shitty time in our lives.....
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#16
Thanks for your feedback.

I am not trying to hijack the thread, but merely trying to relate to some of the issues being raised, my experiences and the background to why I say what I do.

A lot of guys will be in that dark place, thinking there is no end or light at the end of the tunnel. There is, and I like others, have been humbled by some of the things that ex partners can do. Mine somewhat worse than others, and it's been cathartic getting things out there, to help others. That's all I try to do, is help you guys, to bring an understanding. Before this forum, I only ever told a few people what I went through. I cried in my mums arms for two hours when I told her and she cried with me. I was reduced to a body of snot, tears and pain.

I am in a much better place now. It took years of help and pills, and time. My psychiatrist said to me his version was three "T's" Time, Talking and Tablets. It worked for me. and one day, like me again , you will all look back on your lives and wonder how you got through, but it's the survival instinct that takes you through this all. You are all sitting there wondering how to get through the next hour, day, week or month, but.....you will.
One thing I will say, and don't take this wrong, but dont always do it for your kids. Do it for yourselves.
Some of the guys have posted this doing a 180, some of it would seriously of helped me in the past, but during my divorce, things like that, and this forum did not exist.

But seriously, sort yourselves out too. The kids will be better for it and will be there for you, but if you let yourselves get dragged into the ever spiralling pit of hate, depression, vile and vitriolic crap that you feel like spewing at the ex, then it's difficult to crawl out of. I didn't do it alone.
I had many good people help me in some extremely dark times. Trust me, getting your stomach pumped isn't nice (they dont actually pump, they make you drink activated charcoal to soak the poison and make you throw up), and the week in hospital, the stigma that goes with suicide attempt.....nah, dont be that man.

Be better, for YOU, the kids will follow. If you fail YOU, then the kids are left with nothing!

To the original poster. From my experience, and from my heart having been through that incredulous pain, where you are literally shaking with anger and hate, wanting to literally punch holes in brick walls. Don't string this out. 
If she's proven to have had an affair, get it out in the open now, and sort your life out. I am straight talking with you becuase its the only way I know how.
Don't prolong this agony you are in, it will not make it easier, it will get harder to do day by day. 

The relationship is built on trust. Thats gone. and if you think you can move on from this and forgive her for her indiscretions, then I can't say from experience, it will work. I can say it didn't work for me. After the first affair, everything, and I mean everything, in my life changed. I became paranoid and sometimes delusional, that everyone who she came into contact with, wanted in her knickers and she would freely allow it. Trust me my friend, that hanging over your head is no way to live.

If you trust me on one thing, when you broach this and get it out in the open, the relief that you dont have to live your own personal lie, as you know, she doesn't think you are aware of her affair, will be immense. It is a huge weight off your burden. Not saying you should do this, but think about all aspects, because, I am betting right now, you are burning and churning away inside and are ready to burst. That's not healthy mate.
Advice & opinions on this forum are offered informally, without any assumption of liability. Use your own judgment. Seek advice of a qualified and insured professional.
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#17
Drew65 straight talking is what I need right now....and yes it's burning inside me...
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#18
(11-02-2017, 10:44 AM)scottb Wrote: Drew65 straight talking is what I need right now....and yes it's burning inside me...

I would also speak to a solicitor - some offer 30 minutes free consultation.
You can file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour  (4 or 5 reasons, I'm sure you can find them) - you will need £550 and your marriage certificate.
It doesn't mean much in the long term but will show her you are taking control of the situation.
Also as others have said - Do Not Move Out of the House.
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#19
One thing that might help is Talking Therapies, which is something I'm looking into now. Just simply because I need someone objective who can help me sort out this mess of emotions that I've got at the minute.

You can talk to your GP practice, but you can self refer so you don't necessarily have to see the family Doc.

https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Psycho...arch/10008
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#20
(11-02-2017, 11:05 AM)watsa64 Wrote:
(11-02-2017, 10:44 AM)scottb Wrote: Drew65 straight talking is what I need right now....and yes it's burning inside me...

I would also speak to a solicitor - some offer 30 minutes free consultation.
You can file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour  (4 or 5 reasons, I'm sure you can find them) - you will need £550 and your marriage certificate.
It doesn't mean much in the long term but will show her you are taking control of the situation.
Also as others have said - Do Not Move Out of the House.

If you have proof and its under 6 months, you can file for adultery
Advice & opinions on this forum are offered informally, without any assumption of liability. Use your own judgment. Seek advice of a qualified and insured professional.
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