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her affair has floored me....
#21
Wasta64. . We are not married but will go to a solicitor anyways. See where I stand so she don't take the p

Petem. I have found a organization families for fathers...just waiting to hear back from them....to go and talk get advice from others and a family lawyer is also at them....so hope that helps...if not I will look into therapy...will see how I hold up when it all kicks off

Thanks again for the help guys....helping me so much to talk about this...
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#22
(11-02-2017, 01:53 PM)scottb Wrote: We are not married 

Jackpot... that mate, is your best news all day!
Just sit back and wait for her to try and claim half your pension and house saying she's a 'common law wife' and enjoy the fireworks when she realizes that doesn't exist in the UK

Start moving money into your name... sole account and start closing joint accounts...  i am not being mean here... but if you don't ... she will and she can get a loan against any joint account and you are half liable for the debt.

Get pragmatic, get defensive ... don't go out to get her but do make sure you have protected yourself

Oh, and as your a newbie to this... don't tell her what you are doing... let her find out

Secondly set up the access to the kids you want from day 1... so if you want 50:50 do it from NOW... the court (if it gets that far) won't change a system that is working ;-)
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#23
Thanks LTCDAD for the advice....both our names on the house...so she'll have to buy me out or we sell...she won't get a loan to buy me out....pitty would like the kids not to move...but can't see that happening...as for the access....not sure how that will go....hopefully good as she always said she wouldn't stop me seeing them....but that was before.....all has changed now
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#24
Finding it's hard to sit her down and tell her I know what's going on and we need to get this seperation moving...was last Sunday I found out. ..been a shit week...not slept or eaten much sore head cause blood pressure is through the roof....why do I feel like I'm the bad one here...when I do we will need to stay together until Christmas...wouldn't want the kids Christmas wrecked because off us...but no way can I keep this bottled up until after Christmas....she going on as if everything is OK. ....but I'm going out my mind with it....this sucks big time
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#25
Probably not the conventional wisdom but my advice would be look out for you. These things have a habit of turning sour come the divorce and blokes generally get screwed. So, if you are sure that you are done. Get your ducks in a row before she knows anything. Get as many assets and cash etc out or away before it all goes pair shaped. Don’t walk out and leave her with the house either
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#26
Cheers bro....oh it's done ok....can't live like that. I don't have much money so don't need to worry about that and I'm going no where it's both our house....I'll need to buy her out or she'll need to buy me out or we sell....I do think it will go pair shaped...I seen a post earlier that said.. make sure you talk....we don't talk.( talk about kids and usual stuff bit not our feeling or what's going on in our heads). if we can't talk now....how the hell do we talk when it kicks off or even separated.
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#27
From my own experience it doesn’t matter how much you talk or what you agree now it will all change. Once she starts getting advice from a solicitor and benefits agency etc etc and realizes what she can take it all changes.

You may not have mountains of cash but if there are things of value, assets etc do what you can as it will be seed money for you and the kids after. The kids are the priority now and you need to look out for you and protect you so that you can give them a dad and a home after.

Whilst it is amicable and still friendly would be wise to get her to do the consent orders. Agree the 50/50 split of assets. Agree the 50/50 care of kids. Get it done now while she feels guilty and is still friendly before solicitors and mates get their hooks into her

From my own experience it doesn’t matter how much you talk or what you agree now it will all change. Once she starts getting advice from a solicitor and benefits agency etc etc and realizes what she can take it all changes.

You may not have mountains of cash but if there are things of value, assets etc do what you can as it will be seed money for you and the kids after. The kids are the priority now and you need to look out for you and protect you so that you can give them a dad and a home after.
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#28
Thanks bro...and you are right kids are my priority. Hope she sees that aswell then all should be ok...but as you say once she gets advice from solicitors and friends all could change...
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#29
I'm feeling pretty s**t just now....not yet had the CHAT ....decided to wait till after Christmas (not sure now that was a good idea)....didn't want to spoil the kids Christmas. Separate beds, arguments, and all the other shit that goes with seperation...but to be honest it hurting me inside and in my head....the thought of another 6 weeks like this is really getting me down. I'm trying not to show it to my kids and to other people...she going on like nothing has changed but I know it has.....and I'm struggling big time to deal with the thoughts in my head...I'm running alot to try and clear my head and this has always worked for me but now I end up feel angry after my run...I know it what I need to do...I know it me that needs to start the sepertion I don't want to go on like this...but doing it before Christmas jut doesn't seem like the right time to do it not for her or me but for the kids....I usually love Christmas but I'm not looking forward to it....finding it hard to play happy families with her....just my thoughts for the day...I have a therapist set up to talk to about this but I can't get to the session because of work...so just need to battle on I suppose....
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#30
This is the tough bit. It's all very raw, and whilst feeling incredibly real it's oddly surreal at the same time. Plus doing all of it at this time of year sucks.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm not having my kids for Christmas. This'll be the first time I've not been there.

But I've decided stuff it - we'll have Christmas in January! Or February! Or March! It'll be when contact's been re-established. I'll just buy crackers in the sale...

Seriously though. It is hard, and it's rubbish. And I feel for you I truly do. But you're doing the right thing by keeping going. You're doing it for your kids, and you're doing it for you. And they're the best reasons in the world.

Keep going. It'll get better.

Plus running is an excellent idea. I did a lot of exercise (for me) when I first split. It stopped me moping around the house, and helped clear and focus my mind.

That's not to mention the natural endorphins to give me a boost.
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