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her affair has floored me....
#1
Hi all....first time post...need some help please.

A year ago on Halloween my partner of 15 years and mother to my 2 kids tells my she doesn't love me anymore and can't go on like this....but we never separated. It's been a pretty bad year ups and downs. ..so Halloween is a bad time for me.. this year is even worse. Was her birthday on the Saturday before Halloween...goes out with her pals ( as usual ) and I stay at home and put kids to bed ( as usual ). Midnight and I get a text going to stay at her friends house see you in the morning x. So thats me up all night with the usual worries....where....who...and what's she up 2. Next thing I know she sneaks into bed at 5.30 with some bs story. All the signs have been there for a while but just didn't see them until now. So go about my day with the kids while she's laying in bad with her so called hangover. Just come back from my run that night and her phone starts buzzing.....this is when it goes horribly wrong...I know I shouldn't have but yes I did...looked at her phone. There it was the the build up the details and the after...I won't go into details but it was way to much information...I nearly fainted....was shaking couldn't believe what I was reading the whole fckn night was there in front of me....After an hour in the shower i goes and starts to quiz her about her night not letting on that I knew just to see what lies she would come up with....

Now 3 days on and I still feel sick....angry...scared....worried....sad....but now I know what I need to do. sepertion is the only way. She wants this but I think she wants me to start the ball rolling. So this is why I'm on here. Need help ....where do I start?????
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#2
(10-31-2017, 11:46 PM)scottb Wrote: Hi all....first time post...need some help please.

A year ago on Halloween my partner of 15 years and mother to my 2 kids tells my she doesn't love me anymore and can't go on like this....but we never separated. It's been a pretty bad year ups and downs. ..so Halloween is a bad time for me.. this year is even worse. Was her birthday on the Saturday before Halloween...goes out with her pals ( as usual ) and I stay at home and put kids to bed ( as usual ). Midnight and I get a text going to stay at her friends house see you in the morning x. So thats me up all night with the usual worries....where....who...and what's she up 2. Next thing I know she sneaks into bed at 5.30 with some bs story. All the signs have been there for a while but just didn't see them until now. So go about my day with the kids while she's laying in bad with her so called hangover. Just come back from my run that night and her phone starts buzzing.....this is when it goes horribly wrong...I know I shouldn't have but yes I did...looked at her phone.  There it was the the build up the details and the after...I won't go into details but it was way to much information...I nearly fainted....was shaking  couldn't believe what I was reading the whole fckn night was there in front of me....After an hour in the shower i goes and starts to quiz her about her night not letting on that I knew just to see what lies she would come up with....

Now 3 days on and I still feel sick....angry...scared....worried....sad....but now I know what I need to do. sepertion is the only way. She wants this but I think she wants me to start the ball rolling. So this is why I'm on here. Need help ....where do I start?????

Hi Scott,

I'm new to this too, three weeks into a separation and still living under the same roof. Don't think I'm a victim of my ex having an affair, but you never know.

My first suggestion would be to speak to a solicitor and find out where you stand

Second bit of advice is DO NOT MOVE OUT until you've been through mediation for care of the kids.

Weather the storm, stay strong for the kids - they're the most important in this and they're the ones that will feel the life-long effects of the separation, if it isn't handled correctly.

My first port of call when the ex announced it was to google "Effects of divorce on kids" and "Effects of separation on kids", do your research there before even thinking about yourself or the financial aspect.

You are in a unique position of having the upper hand right now, she doesn't know that you know and hopefully you haven't let on - arm yourself with as much information as possible, as this will be invaluable to you once things get moving.

EDIT: Look after yourself too, stay away from drugs and alcohol and try to eat as healthily as possible. Keep that running up. When you feel sad/stressed/angry, go for a run. Your kids need the strongest, healthiest Dad possible, so be that for them.

As I said, I'm new to this too, so not able to offer much more than that...there are, however, far more experienced fellas than I on this forum, although I've not had too many replies to my initial post I've been poking around here for a few days and have taken solace in the fact that I'm not alone, but just reading about other guys experiences has made me aware of the situation I'm in. So use this forum too. Just get yourself as much information as possible to arm yourself for the future.

Best of luck.
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#3
Thanks AKentishman

This portal is a great help...so much good advice and posts that I can relate to.

As for my kids....you are 100% right they are my no1 importance in this...I really fear that my daughter is going to take this so hard it's killing me inside. I have already looked into how we go about telling the kids...and got some great pointers.

Aso for a solicitor I have contacted citizen advice and they have given me a contact to one of there family solicitors first time is free so that's good..

And as for her affair....not sure what to do about that..she doesn't know I know yet I don't think....she might have thought I did when I started to quiz her about her night...she deleted all the messages from him...not sure what to do about that...when we sit down to talk about this, I will be the bad one for starting the ball rolling...not sure she should get that one on me....but on the other hand, I need this to go as peacefully as possible..things might get messy if she knows she has been caught out.....

Thanks for your reply....I don't have anyone to talk to about this....so any advice is more than welcome
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#4
They will do that, twist and turn it onto you.

I found pictures of my wife fellating a complete stranger, in a car park in the New Forest (They call it dogging) , to which she tried denying it, and I proved her false as she was wearing a necklace I had bought only the month before, then had the audacity to say this!=

"what were you doing on my computer" !!!!!

That kinda floored me!

(11-01-2017, 12:39 PM)scottb Wrote: Thanks AKentishman

This portal is a great help...so much good advice and posts that I can relate to.

As for my kids....you are 100% right they are my no1 importance in this...I really fear that my daughter is going to take this so hard it's killing me inside. I have already looked into how we go about telling the kids...and got some great pointers.

Aso for a solicitor I have contacted citizen advice and they have given me a contact to one of there family solicitors first time is free so that's good..

And as for her affair....not sure what to do about that..she doesn't know I know yet I don't think....she might have thought I did when I started to quiz her about her night...she deleted all the messages from him...not sure what to do about that...when we sit down to talk about this, I will be the bad one for starting the ball rolling...not sure she should get that one on me....but on the other hand, I need this to go as peacefully as possible..things might get messy if she knows she has been caught out.....

Thanks for your reply....I don't have anyone to talk to about this....so any advice is more than welcome

As for the affair.
I can sympathise ( a lot more than most) my ex witch   wife, had multiple men, in my bed, on a car bonnet in the new forest, and they even paid her for it, which I was physically sick and puked  up over (first thing I did was get tested). I estimate from accounts from the kids, well over 100 men!
I then found she was on escort sites etc.

So.....moving on. My feelings about the affair....dont do what I did and try and gloss over this. This was her second affair...I LOL about that affair, as I am not sure you can count that many men as an "affair".
I stayed focussed for the kids and tried to be happy.
But
All it did was the same as drinking a glass of acid! it bored inside of my head, and ate away at me for years and years. When I found out about the multiple accounts, it was via installing key logging software on her computer, and seeing she was intending to go off again!. 
I also found out that the baby I thought was mine, that unfortunately died of cot death at 4 months, (27 years ago) was not mine either as I was away on military service at the time! she had lied to me for 20 years!

So staying with the kids and trying to lead that normal life, didnt work for me. It might do for others, but it just made the whole split a completely venomous and vitriolic affair.
The kids have probably been affected by this all, but I feel that I should have finished it all many years before on the first time, as there was absolutely no trust at all after that!

If you listen to my advice then im cool. If you dont and go your own way I am cool too. My situation is akin to a complete series of jeremy Kyle, let alone a 15 minute  slot. 
But for me, don't delay this. If it means splitting up then so be it. Sounds rough yes, but I tell you now, delaying the inevitable and sorting this out will be more painful than you may think. As for the kids, they will see you both change. Despite your best efforts to conceal this from them and act "normal" they will notice the changes however subtle.
for my experience. I wish......
I had split on the first time round and learned lessons then
I had had the courage to go through and split up and "not stay for the kids", to me in the long run it is worse for them.

The confrontation with the evidence I had came out, and I really went to town, spilled my guts on how I felt for once!. Her answer........."I just wanted some attention"............really...sought that from the wrong people then didn't you! 
It was painful, nasty and hurtful and one of the worst days of my entire life, but I am glad I did it, took the step and confronted her with all her lies. IT was a massive release, but I cried so bad I had to pull over on the motorway as I couldn't see where I was going!

Yeah there will be pain, tears, grief and a whole host of other feelings, but for me, it was the only and best way to get out of this crappy situation and stop being lied to, and stop deluding myself I may be able to fix it. I spent 20 years trying to fix it, and I failed. For an engineer, military trained, failure was hard to take, I crumbled and went under. (Thats another story)
Advice & opinions on this forum are offered informally, without any assumption of liability. Use your own judgment. Seek advice of a qualified and insured professional.
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#5
Hi drew65 I hear what you are saying... thanks for your advice and I will take it on board. I will not be trying to fix this. I can't live like that..this year has sucked and yes the kids must have already picked up on that I know my daughter has. I tried my best to do what I thought she wanted this year...but not enough. I thought we might have had a chance because thing's did get better I thought....should have just bit the bullet last year and separated. Would have been so much easier...now she has done this it will make things so much harder. Still not made up my mind about telling her I know what she's been up 2....my head is all over the place and still very much angry with her...might say things that will affect the sepertion, that's my only worry...need this to go smoothly for the kids.....so hard... my head is fckd up...don't know what to do.

Thanks for your help drew65
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#6
Hi Scott,

I would find out where you stand legally. Lots of Solicitors will give you a free session for an initial consultation. I went to a few and asked them different questions. You can check online or I was signposted through Citizens Advice. Then just take it from there.

However I feel for you I really do. And whilst it may only be clicks of a keyboard, I think it's fair to say that we're all here for you.

And to Drew65

**** man! That's unbelievable! I genuinely don't know how you keep going. My admiration for you has gone through the roof.
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#7
You start with the kids... a sad as it is that your wide had an affair, there are plenty of blokes on here that have had an affair and get punished with the kids but the advice is the same...

Aim to get a clean a break as you can and make sure you keep a quality relationship with your kids in terms of access and connection... this should drive you and everything you do

Don't slag her off... kids will know what is going on... you don't need to fuel it... be truthful with them especially if they older. Relationship failed not because of the affair, but because you BOTH stopped working at it ... the affair is the symptom not the disease

Its really tough if you still love her but energy into kids ... show her you are a stronger dad then anything she throws your way
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#8
Relationship failed not because of the affair, but because you BOTH stopped working at it ... the affair is the symptom not the disease

I have to disagree with that. Affairs are conscious decisions made by entitled , selfish cowards. Lots of people work hard at relationships and still get betrayed.  There are proper,dignified ways to leave a relationship and an affair is not one of them. 
In my view affairs are a form of abuse. You would never dream of saying that the victim of any other sort of abuse is somehow to blame for it.
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#9
Might only be a few clicks Petem....but it means so much to me....I have no one to talk to about this...and with these clicks it is helping me big time...thanks P
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#10
(11-01-2017, 04:10 PM)scottb Wrote: Might only be a few clicks Petem....but it means so much to me....I have no one to talk to about this...and with these clicks it is helping me big time...thanks P

It's no worries.

We've all been in a similar position to what you're going through so if you want our advice, sympathy or support then you know where to come.
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