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affair, yo-yoing partner, trial seperation, is this the end?
#1
hi, just looking for some words of wisdom really. Found out my wife has been having an affair back in September, but it had barely got going, only had sex a few times. For the next few weeks wife was finding it impossible to decide what to do, and went to see him a few more times. She then tried to make it work with me for a few weeks, but ended up seeing him again and then telling me it was over between me and her. The first time she said this, within an hour she was crying saying she couldn't go through with it (the leaving), so we were back in limbo. This happened again about 2 weeks later, she saying she was leaving and then by the evening changing her mind. This limbo led me to suggest that we trial separate but in our house. (We have 2 small kids 6 and 3 so don't want to let them know yet). As soon as I suggested it I realised that really all it would be is a way for her to phase her self out of the marriage. The trial was due to start today (Monday), so last night was our last night 'together' (perhaps stupidly we have been in the same bed the whole time, (but not having sex) because despite it all we still feel a lot for each other, and tell each other we love each other etc....) So Sunday night she again says "I can't do it.." (meaning leave me). So I wake up today thinking maybe there is a glimmer of hope.. as today is her 'night off' and I'm putting kids to bed she is free to do whatever. After last night I had hoped she might choose to stay in, but no, she's gone straight to him. Do I just need to accept that it's over? I don't want it to be and feel like we could work things out, but the way she's changing her mind is killing me, and each time it happens I feel like I can't go through it again. I should add that the reason she feels it happened is because even though we have had sex regularly through our marriage (been together since 18) she, for a long time hasn't really wanted to, or felt like it, but has done anyway. And I know there is some truth to it, and we should have talked about it a long time ago, but somehow we both just let it go on unchecked. On the other hand, she would say that she has been otherwise happy the whole time and we've had a great life together, get on so well, parent well together etc... I feel like there is so much worth fighting for, not least for the kids, but I know that ultimately she's free to go and free to do whatever she wants. Just don't know how to deal with this being the end I guess.
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#2
It sounds like your relationship needs some boundaries setting. She probably can't decide what to do because you are not giving her clear boundaries or leadership. You need to put your fear to one side for a moment and look inside yourself and decide what behaviour you will and will not tolerate from her. Once you are clear what is acceptable and what is not acceptable to you (I suggest having an affair is not) and how you want to be treated, you need to tell her gently but firmly. For example, refer to a particular thing she is doing and tell her you no longer find it acceptable, then ask her not to do it again and finally set a consequence if she continues to do it. You will have a decide on a suitable consequence, and you should not be frightened to say you will end the relationship for serious boundary offences.

Setting boundaries and sticking to them will make you look decisive, confident and a man she can look up to and rely on. Google setting relationship boundaries for more info.

Good luck. Disclaimer - I'm no expert and in the last chance saloon too.
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#3
Sounds like she is messing with your head..leaving not leaving...that's tough. Think best to know one way or another....hope you sort this out soon...can't be good for you living like that. Your head must be fckd up with it....I'm in a similar situation atm. Feel your pain bro I really do
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#4
Boundaries is right. Lay down the law, make a choice but this is never happening again. Tell her she has contact with him again and the choice is made. Only worth going through all of that if you want to save the marriage though. And I know that right now you do, bombshell landed on you and panic sets in.

But from personal experience it is very hard to move on from. The betrayal, especially from someone you have been with so long is especially painful once this initial mess dies down. We were married 14 years when she had an affair. We worked it out. But every year at that time was hard and a painful reminder as were many things. Almost 5 years to the day we split, she did it again. Divorced now since August and she is in my house with the other bloke, her now fiancé. But if I think back, that first affair and what I went through still hurts. It broke me in all sorts of ways. I wish we had split then instead of trying again and me going through everything I did.

However, if you can put it back together and have a happy family it is worth it I think. I tried for my daughter because I didn’t want to be a weekend dad and her have a broken home but it was too much for me and looking back wasn’t worth it.
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#5
(11-06-2017, 07:58 PM)qwertyuiop17 Wrote: hi, just looking for some words of wisdom really. Found out my wife has been having an affair back in September, but it had barely got going, only had sex a few times. For the next few weeks wife was finding it impossible to decide what to do, and went to see him a few more times. She then tried to make it work with me for a few weeks, but ended up seeing him again and then telling me it was over between me and her. The first time she said this, within an hour she was crying saying she couldn't go through with it (the leaving), so we were back in limbo. This happened again about 2 weeks later, she saying she was leaving and then by the evening changing her mind. This limbo led me to suggest that we trial separate but in our house. (We have 2 small kids 6 and 3 so don't want to let them know yet). As soon as I suggested it I realised that really all it would be is a way for her to phase her self out of the marriage. The trial was due to start today (Monday), so last night was our last night 'together' (perhaps stupidly we have been in the same bed the whole time, (but not having sex) because despite it all we still feel a lot for each other, and tell each other we love each other etc....) So Sunday night she again says "I can't do it.." (meaning leave me). So I wake up today thinking maybe there is a glimmer of hope.. as today is her 'night off' and I'm putting kids to bed she is free to do whatever. After last night I had hoped she might choose to stay in, but no, she's gone straight to him. Do I just need to accept that it's over? I don't want it to be and feel like we could work things out, but the way she's changing her mind is killing me, and each time it happens I feel like I can't go through it again. I should add that the reason she feels it happened is because even though we have had sex regularly through our marriage (been together since 18) she, for a long time hasn't really wanted to, or felt like it, but has done anyway. And I know there is some truth to it, and we should have talked about it a long time ago, but somehow we both just let it go on unchecked. On the other hand, she would say that she has been otherwise happy the whole time and we've had a great life together, get on so well, parent well together etc... I feel like there is so much worth fighting for, not least for the kids, but I know that ultimately she's free to go and free to do whatever she wants. Just don't know how to deal with this being the end I guess.

As the others have said, the question you need to ask yourself is 'Is this relationship acceptable to me?' 
Based on what you have said I don't think it is worth fighting for even taking the kids into account. Any reconciliation will be shortlived. 
Decide what you want in terms of custody and finances and speak to a solicitor. She may have already done this.
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#6
Thanks for the replies, she knows her seeing him if not acceptable to me, and so like you've said the only thing left to do is to say that's it's over, as of now. Then it's a case of working out how to actually seperate. I'm a stay at home dad so no income, but we've agreed I can keep the house, but I'll need to pay mortgage etc.. when she's paying rent on her own place. Will look into what benefits might be available for primary carer of 3 year old, otherwise he'll have to go to full time nursery and I'll find work.
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#7
You should be able to get so many hours per week of nursery free. If you can get a part time job doing the 16 hours a week then it opens up working tax credits and child tax credits. Can get 25% reduction in council tax as single person if there is no exemption. And child maintenance from her. Wouldn’t stress too much about finances
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#8
Bloody hell this sounds so close to what happened to me. My wife wanted an open relationship, had an affair with one of my friends and then went back and forth for about 3 months trying to decide what to do.

I foolishly let her do it and lead my around on a leash, I wish I had, from the very first moment, loudly and clearly said "NO" and started divorce proceedings right away in a calm and collected manner.

You deserve better than this and it's pretty clear you don't want to share your wife in some way. I think you know what to do.

For the record, I loved my wife more than life itself, only the children ranked higher. I did anything for her at the drop of a hat and wanted to be with her more than anything. Splitting up nearly killed me, literally, but staying would have slowly killed me for sure.
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#9
Just trying to work out finances, posted another thread here: http://www.separateddads.co.uk/forum/thread-4377.html any advice gratefully received!
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