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Post divorce conduct agreement? Got one? Wish you had? Suggestions?
#1
Hi everyone, I'm a new poster here, I won't share my sob story just yet but suffice to say my wife had an affair, I walked out and now I'm stuck at my mums house whilst we sort out the details.

Things are exceptionally acrimonious, I'll just leave it at that. We are currently in mediation.

One thing I really wanted to do with my soon-to-be ex wife is to arrange a post divorce conduct agreement that had very clear rules about how we interact with each other and what is and is not acceptable. To be clear, this isn't about the children, there is a separate agreement for that, this is for our own conduct in the real world, online etc. etc.
  • Has anyone here every written one?
  • Have you any advice on what to add into it?
  • Have you seen any resources online about writing one?

This is what I have written so far, with mind to get hr to read it, add to it and debate the details before agreeing

Post divorce code of conduct

Social media
- All profiles should remain blocked so we do not encounter each other online. 
- All photos, of any age, of the other party should be deleted from social media. This includes but it not limited to Facebook, Instagram, Flickr.
- Neither party will mention the other on social media.

Social spaces
- All efforts should be made to avoid attending events where the other party may be. For example not attending nights the other is likely to attend. No contact is required or expected prior to attending any event however.
- Should both parties end up in the same venue, no contact should be made of any kind.

Living spaces
Neither party will enter the others living space and will only attend the property when a scheduled or arranged one off, child hand over is happening.

Communication
- All communication should be via email except when there is an emergency regarding the children (then phone calls or texts can be used)
- An exception is the children’s hand over notebooks stored in OneNote where we write up what’s been happening with the kids, and commitments they have (homework, friends etc.)
- Discussing larger issues to do with the children, for example if there is a problem with their learning, bullying, school issues etc. should be dealt with via email, discussing face to face can be arranged at a mutually convenient location and time with a third party in attendance.

Personal emergencies
Emergencies not regarding the children are irrelevant and should not be brought up with the other parent. The only exception to this is if the children are impacted or one parent requires the other to look after the children whilst it’s being dealt with.


Any help or advice in any way gratefully received
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#2
Honestly, in my humble opinion it looks a bit petty and childish. No contact is easy. Easy to ignore her
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#3
Mine is actually worse - and was written by her and her fantasy clan - that one looks pretty much OK
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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#4
(11-07-2017, 02:17 PM)itneverends Wrote: Honestly, in my humble opinion it looks a bit petty and childish. No contact is easy. Easy to ignore her

All opinions welcomed.

The problem is that with our particular relationship, unless things are spelled out in a very clear way, a way will be found around them to cause more drama. My ex, being the one addicted to the drama, will always find a reason to tell me that her life is falling apart, that she just can't get a job, she'll turn up to social events I'm at to make a bit of a scene. She'll speak about me online to mutual friends, etc etc.

She's also making a big song and dance about how threatened and uneasy she feels around me (again, drama, not based on truth) - having an agreed set of guidelines that we have set out before any of these issues occurs makes it pretty clear what the expected behaviour is.

Ignoring her is sadly not an option, she's going to be part of my life until one of us dies whether I like it or not. I don't want to ever enter into a conversation with her about anythign other than the welfare of the children and being pretty clear about that up front may save me a lot of heart ache.

Now, its obviously not binding in any way, but it does clearly state what is expected and what is not - no?
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#5
(11-07-2017, 02:25 PM)invisibleintellectual Wrote: Mine is actually worse - and was written by her and her fantasy clan - that one looks pretty much OK

I dread to think what will come back when I ask her to look at it and add anything she feels is relevant - what horror stories did you get?!
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#6
I was asked to submit my phone for examination every 3 months (NOT happening)
Secondary login to my email to check that I am not dissing her in any way
I was asked to allow her lawyer access to my facebook (which I havent had in years), Twitter, etc

That was only the best 3 ..... your getting off well Wink
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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#7
Bloody hell!

What on earth could they be looking for?!?!
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#8
No idea - they never got it anyways
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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#9
Sounds like an American thing? Probably just as well we don’t have them here. My ex likes drama and constantly texting or calling to start some argument or other, often I have had a few beers and end it with one of two choice words. Would probably end up in a world of trouble with agreements like that lol
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#10
I like that....looks good and will save a lot of grief in the future....BUT will she agree with that.......
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