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Stupid Question!
#1
Hi Dads,

So, myself and recently separated ex are still living under the same roof, and our 14 year anniversary is coming up next week - we never married, so we always celebrate the night of our first date.

I've read the 'doing a 180' blog and tried to stick to it as much as I can; show I'm moving on with my life, try not discuss the past, no crying or begging, be aloof, look after myself etc.

But, since she announced the split six weeks ago, I have come to realise just how deeply in love with her I am - and how badly I'm going to miss her once the house is sold and we've gone our separate ways.

It's not the fact that I'm going to be on my own either - I've always preferred my own company, and there are choices I made during the relationship that I now regret, because instead of enjoying days out with her and/or daughter I decided to stay at home or go to work or stay in bed or watch a film or just sit in my pants playing video games etc.

I read that last paragraph and think 'Bleurgh. You loser.'  Sick

But, despite my best efforts to convince myself otherwise, I just can't help it and get over the fact that I am still very much in love with her.

So, I STUPIDLY instigated a conversation over the weekend about the possibility of the two of us getting back together, and got pretty much the same answer from her that she gave as the reason for the split initially - but she also threw in the fact that I hadn't even bought her flowers since the split to say sorry, and then re-iterated the general lack of flowers-ness throughout the last 14 years.

(For the record, just getting flowers delivered for Mother's Day, Birthdays, Christmas, Easter etc does not seem to be enough...who knew!!)

I replied by saying that I did not want it to come across as like I was trying to buy her love or make her feel awkward (didn't say that I got that from the 'Doing a 180' blog tho'), but in reality I didn't particularly fancy spending £50-odd on someone who basically said that if we stayed together, she'd be having affairs left right and centre. Also just as likely that they'd be in the bin or thrown in my face when I got back from work!

So, as I write this, I guess my stupid question is really two-fold:

1. Should I buy her flowers for our 1st date night anniversary next week?
2. How often should we, as kind and loving modern men, be buying our other halves flowers? Just so I can put some money aside each month/week/day for the next lady in my life!!  Wink

Cheers!

AKM
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#2
1. No... Although from reading your story it stands a fair chance you'll be accused of not caring again if you don't. Get her a card instead to show that you havent forgot, then stick to 180.

2. If a lady is EXPECTING flowers, gifts etc often then she probably isnt worth the bother my friend. Doing such gestures should be about showing a lady that she is in your thoughts, is valued and a gesture of your appreciation of the things she does. Not because she expects them.

Dont worry I'd say most men are guilty of not doing it enough! I think its because we assume everything is okay. Its a mans nature to want to fix a problem whenever it comes up. But if we don't know there's a problem, we cant know to fix it.
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#3
Does she have a job? Send them to work.

It makes a fuss, and shows all the other women in the workplace that she's the center of it. Plus all her mates there say what a good bloke you are.

It's worth a go - what do you have to lose?
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#4
(11-22-2017, 01:29 PM)Danno Wrote: 1. No... Although from reading your story it stands a fair chance you'll be accused of not caring again if you don't. Get her a card instead to show that you havent forgot, then stick to 180.

2. If a lady is EXPECTING flowers, gifts etc often then she probably isnt worth the bother my friend. Doing such gestures should be about showing a lady that she is in your thoughts, is valued and a gesture of your appreciation of the things she does. Not because she expects them.

Dont worry I'd say most men are guilty of not doing it enough! I think its because we assume everything is okay. Its a mans nature to want to fix a problem whenever it comes up. But if we don't know there's a problem, we cant know to fix it.

Agreed - I always thought that, if she received flowers from me on the regular, it would make them less special on those other occasions. After all, I'd always make sure they were her favourite type and colour, try and get them from different retailers so it wasn't the same every time etc. I was actually pretty chuffed with my flower-buying prowess.

But yeah, typical bloke...and I'm pretty sure that if I was spending hundreds of pounds on flowers every year she'd probably end up asking me to spend it somewhere else anyway!

In her defence though, she had threatened to leave a few times before, during heated arguments. I never actually thought she'd do it! So I am clearly guilty of not recognising that a problem existed, but then we'd always make up more or less straight away so she never gave me the cause for concern to think that she'd ever go through with it...so I am fully aware that I am guilty of sticking my head in the sand.

(11-22-2017, 02:20 PM)Petem Wrote: Does she have a job? Send them to work.

It makes a fuss, and shows all the other women in the workplace that she's the center of it. Plus all her mates there say what a good bloke you are.

It's worth a go - what do you have to lose?

Nah, she's newly self-employed (which makes her timing of the split all the more mystifying), so I'd have to get them sent to our house. I could always ask the other mums on the development to pop round once they've been delivered, so they can enthuse about them!!!!

Really though, other than the cash aspect, I've got nothing to lose whatsoever. It may earn me some brownie points for the pending mediation, at least!
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#5
Another term to Google is the 'Pick me Dance'
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#6
(11-22-2017, 03:32 PM)watsa64 Wrote: Another term to Google is the 'Pick me Dance'

This made me chuckle!

Although, regardless of whether the affair is real or not, I feel I need to fight for this in some way or another.

I'm viewing the fact that we're under the same roof for at least a few months as an opportunity - if it was just the two of us, then I'd be less inclined to fight, but we are a family and that means more to me than anything else in the world.

She is the woman I chose to have a child with, after all...I can't just throw the last 14 years away without some sort of effort to remedy this situation.

I can't just roll over and accept it and not attempt to fight to keep our daughter's life normal and intact.

If that makes a chump then I'll own it, but at least I'll be a chump who did everything he could to fight for what he loves, rather than a chump regretting the opportunity he missed six months down the line.
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#7
Don't ask me about flowers.....once a year on her bitchday oooops sorry birthday, that's probably why I'm in this situation right now....so I'm not the best one to ask....if you do and it doesn't change anything then at least you tried. And know where you stand I suppose. I personally wouldn't but as I say I'm not the best one to ask....good luck AKentishman
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#8
I really don't think you should buy people 'treats' unless it's a special occasion. That's the whole point of a treat. 

I believe that women (and men) who turn round and say 'You didn't treat me well enough" are just looking for an excuse and justification for why they're now decided to end things. They've seen something else they like (normally another man, or a friend living a great life, and they feel they deserve the same). It's such a spoilt way of looking at the world. If a child turned round and said "you didn't buy me enough sweets, which is why i'm being a rascal" you'd tell them where to go. So you shouldn't let adults do the same.

Anyones ex who says "you didn't do enough to make me happy' or 'you didn't buy me flowers enough" is just deluded, but unfortunately you can't change them. That's their self-entitled way of looking at the world.

My ex reasons for ending things were "you didn't make me happy" and "You didn't support me enough". I had to hold my tongue as she was sitting in her £400,000 house (with all my deposit), Sky TV, 2 children through IVF, with her brand new teeth and £25,000 car parked outside. And let's not mention the guy from work you were messaging whilst we were married, and then slept with 4 days after we separated. he was irrelevant apparently.

You should be going through life relying on other people to make you happy - what does that even mean and why do people feel they have an entitlement to be happy all the time? Life's a bit s**t for everyone, and you have to ride out the bad times! And that'd down to the individual. You can't cover that up with a bunch of flowers or a holiday or a new car even. You're not addressing the actual problem which is some people are just never going to be happy!

For the record, i used to buy my wife flowers quite often, spending £100 a time getting amazing ones which i knew she liked. I was always told "you buy the best flowers, you're so romantic", etc etc. I still got dumped and told i didn't make her happy. And i can't recall her ever buying me anything similar.
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#9
(11-22-2017, 10:46 PM)scottb Wrote: Don't ask me about flowers.....once a year on her bitchday oooops sorry birthday, that's probably why I'm in this situation right now....so I'm not the best one to ask....if you do and it doesn't change anything then at least you tried. And know where you stand I suppose. I personally wouldn't but as I say I'm not the best one to ask....good luck AKentishman

Thanks man. I bit the bullet and went ahead and ordered them, so let's see where that gets me. I'm not expecting much (if anything), and I've seen her work schedule next week and she's actually going to an evening networking event on our anniversary day so I won't even see her when I get back from work. Almost like she planned that one, eh!

(11-23-2017, 06:45 AM)Kirby Wrote: I really don't think you should buy people 'treats' unless it's a special occasion. That's the whole point of a treat. 

I believe that women (and men) who turn round and say 'You didn't treat me well enough" are just looking for an excuse and justification for why they're now decided to end things. They've seen something else they like (normally another man, or a friend living a great life, and they feel they deserve the same). It's such a spoilt way of looking at the world. If a child turned round and said "you didn't buy me enough sweets, which is why i'm being a rascal" you'd tell them where to go. So you shouldn't let adults do the same.

Anyones ex who says "you didn't do enough to make me happy' or 'you didn't buy me flowers enough" is just deluded, but unfortunately you can't change them. That's their self-entitled way of looking at the world.

My ex reasons for ending things were "you didn't make me happy" and "You didn't support me enough". I had to hold my tongue as she was sitting in her £400,000 house (with all my deposit), Sky TV, 2 children through IVF, with her brand new teeth and £25,000 car parked outside. And let's not mention the guy from work you were messaging whilst we were married, and then slept with 4 days after we separated. he was irrelevant apparently.

You should be going through life relying on other people to make you happy - what does that even mean and why do people feel they have an entitlement to be happy all the time? Life's a bit s**t for everyone, and you have to ride out the bad times! And that'd down to the individual. You can't cover that up with a bunch of flowers or a holiday or a new car even. You're not addressing the actual problem which is some people are just never going to be happy!

For the record, i used to buy my wife flowers quite often, spending £100 a time getting amazing ones which i knew she liked. I was always told "you buy the best flowers, you're so romantic", etc etc. I still got dumped and told i didn't make her happy. And i can't recall her ever buying me anything similar.

I agree with you on never getting anything similar - I actually bought it up a few times in the past when she said "you haven't bought me flowers for a while", replying with something along the lines of "what about me? I want flowers too"...not that I would expect to receive actual flowers, but a little something to say "I saw this and thought of you" or "I wanted to give you a gift to say that I love and appreciate you" (as we are expected to do for them) would have been nice!

I figure the same as you too, if a treat is received regularly then it cheapens it overall and means less on the occasions that you really want to buy them.

Unfortunately my ex had a fairly privileged upbringing in a big house with two cars and a bunch of overseas holidays every year, bearing in my mind we both grew up in the 80s when this sort of thing was fairly uncommon. I grew up on a council estate and my family had to scrimp and save for everything we had, so as far as I'm concerned I'd 'made it' with my 2-bed detached house in a really nice development with my lovely missus, beautiful daughter, 2 cats and 2 new-ish cars out the front. We both have to work but what we do have is amazing and more than I could ever possibly have wished for whilst sitting in lukewarm water in a tin bath in front of the fire as a kid!

So I think she has jealousy and resentment for the rest of her family, her Sister in particular - she's a stay at home Mum with two girls, a £650k house and a hubby with a successful city job. The mother-in-law is even more well off.

In fact, one of the things my ex likes to drag up (and always has done) is the fact that I wasn't ambitious enough to have a job that paid enough soshe didn't have to go back to work after our daughter was born!!!

So yeah, I don't think she'll be truly happy until she's made a bunch of money from the business she started two months ago and is sitting in her own massive house with a throne made out of cash, but to me it just seems like she's cutting her nose off to spite her face - I really can't believe that she would put financial and material wealth over a loving and secure family environment for our daughter.

Some people are just that way inclined, I guess.
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#10
(11-22-2017, 04:14 PM)AKentishMan Wrote:
(11-22-2017, 03:32 PM)watsa64 Wrote: Another term to Google is the 'Pick me Dance'

This made me chuckle!

Although, regardless of whether the affair is real or not, I feel I need to fight for this in some way or another.

I'm viewing the fact that we're under the same roof for at least a few months as an opportunity - if it was just the two of us, then I'd be less inclined to fight, but we are a family and that means more to me than anything else in the world.

She is the woman I chose to have a child with, after all...I can't just throw the last 14 years away without some sort of effort to remedy this situation.

I can't just roll over and accept it and not attempt to fight to keep our daughter's life normal and intact.

If that makes a chump then I'll own it, but at least I'll be a chump who did everything he could to fight for what he loves, rather than a chump regretting the opportunity he missed six months down the line.

Stuff it- good luck to you!

Nothing ventured nothing gained, and what do you have to lose by trying?

You go for it!
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