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CAFCASS awaiting report - feel sick
#1
Hi forum members.

The closer I get to receiving the CAFCASS report, the more sick I feel, and the more utterly convinced I am that the meticulous way my ex went about our relationship last time around, which planned in the likely failure of it, meant she was so well positioned for a CAFCASS S37 being done. 

Her 'contrived evidence'  and revived domestic abuse allegations, will mean that the meeting I had with CAFCASS was not what others close to me say it might have been - that they were simply making me so uncomfortable to see if the angry person she claims I am, came out. I don't think it did, but neither was I coherent, nor were ANY of my pre-prepared written statements looked at or discussed, that much I do know.

Sp, I don't know if anyone else felt the same, but my 'Interview' (if you can call it that) is a complete blur. Mostly what I remember, is the futility of even continuing to answer her questions, or of continuing to defend myself because she has amassed so much circumstantial evidence, inc & amazingly, describing the Home life i created for them as "chaos" and now the Ex has got both of my children now saying to CAFCASS that they don't want to see me, and that I "hit them", (which is ironically why i argued with my ex, as i hated her hitting them). So not much difference here in what many people have gone through I know, but NOTHING in these last 18 months has gone my way, aside from 2 different sets of Magistrates deciding that Trial 1) I was Not guilty of assaulting her son, 
then Trial 2) that I did not breach a Non-Mol that she got in secret, just by having accidentally sent an 'Imoji' expression to her when reviewing her last shocking texts to me. 

In this 'System'  however, there is an overwhelming desire is to 'believe the victim', (not the Man though, as thats certainly not cool right now, even though I can show them why I am and evidence it myself). So, armed with the evidence she was busy compiling throughout our last reconciliation, and her subsequent masterclass in parent alienation, I am genuinely fearful that having waited 18 months even to get the chance to explain anything to ANY family Judge in court, my 2 hours with CAFCASS and my own inability to steer the conversation away from the "Yeh, but she did this, or must have done that......" and barely NOTHING  about my real relationship with the kids, means I feel today as many, many others have felt before me sadly. Not only haven't they believed a word I have said, but who can blame them really, if the 'system' means that they are allocated just 2 hours,  and that's it for my18 months and £35,000 court experience.. I'm an intelligent person, and so on reflection, there is NO WAY, given the structure of that CAFCASS meeting that day, that the outcome hadn't been nearly predetermined.  Thinking back, the lack of apology by the Officer for being late (when I had driven to their offices an hour away), and no handshake before or after (its only courteous is it not ?), should have told me to get my jacket back on there and then, and drive straight back to Scotland, as the 'game' (as my ex is fond of calling it) was up....... 
Certainly for me, and sadly, for my children and the next 10 years anyway......It's not that I don't think they know what they are doing, I'm just not entirely sure that they 'care' about what they are doing enough. Dealing with this stuff day in and day out, they are only human, are not Detectives, and have no wish to see any single case on their desk so long that it bothers them (i imagine, is true of most of us humans). Result - the EASY outcome. Feminism unchecked. Children, failed miserably by the 'system'. Interestingly, read Karen Woodall's article on this and apologies if this is an old one. It explained a LOT to me meantime though, but too late for my meeting.

https://karenwoodall.blog/2017/01/02/how...ctitioners

Should anyone know of genuinely experiencing this type of scenario, and it turning out for the better, please do let me know. Thanks for listening.
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#2
Hey mate, cheers for the post and sorry to hear about your situation.

I had to scoff at this, though: "It is also about recognising that much of what is taught about working with families in social work training, comes from a political ideology in which women are considered vulnerable to coercive control by men."

Surely (and in my experience), it's the other way around!!!
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#3
(11-27-2017, 03:21 PM)AKentishMan Wrote: Hey mate, cheers for the post and sorry to hear about your situation.

I had to scoff at this, though: "It is also about recognising that much of what is taught about working with families in social work training, comes from a political ideology in which women are considered vulnerable to coercive control by men."

Surely (and in my experience), it's the other way around!!!
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#4
Thanks for replying AKentishMan - kind of you, and I trust you are content in your own life at the moment ?

I read it that she is on 'our side' (there are no sides, I know) as it were/ Their terrible training and social bias, is that women are these feeble little beings, incapable of deceit (ha) and Men, big brutes who can, if not influence, then impose their situation and views on these poor souls. You are absolutely correct. It is most definitely the other way round. Karen Woodall is the only beacon of light in this whole 'Industry'. I call it an Industry, because my Barrister is loving the many Directions hearings, postponed dates and finally, 4 days in court ££££ ,
A system that encourages women to cry Domestic Violence, and get preferential treatment, and eminent well meaning Barristers doing pro bono work for the women's refuge (which mine isn't in of course) is disgusting. People will follow the process, human nature, and if the process means you get everything for free, people running about checking you are ok all the time pet, and a there, there, there treatment by Police and Social Services (the latter of which are only keen to make sure the kids will not be killed BY ME it seems), then they will naturally scream domestic abuse. If i thought they would believe me, I would, but they won't, because I've asked, and no one does. They do "sympathise" with my proof that she perjured herself and LIED to a Family Court previously in 2012, and by way of 'signed and sworn affadavit' back in 2012. Unsurprisingly, they can't help me though. Oh well, there you have it. No laws broken there eh.
 
Well, my ex is a trained & qualified Barrister, so doesn't take a genius to know that she more than most, would know what to scream - or does it ?

One final point - Genuine question. Do you or anyone else understand why a CAFCASS S37 report is even being produced ahead of a 4 day scheduled finding of fact hearing. Surely wrong way round is it nor ?
This is my first and only chance in 18 months, to sit in a Family court and prove her a liar, and a person who, more importantly, has no problem lying to the kids, involving them in stiff they shouldn't know anything about, managing to coerce them into saying "Daddy hits us" (and so, CAFCASS then present this to me as their accepted 'Fact' apparently).

What if I do somehow manage to convince the Judge (and since I at least, am paying £11K, so she can sit there for the full 4 days, read and listen. What then. if CAFCASS have meantime pronounced me 'Guilty', & swallowed her stories hook, line and sinker. Seriously, do they send CAFCASS back to think again ? Or do they simply say, 
Yes, she a liar, but the wishy washy 'wishes and feelings' we have undertaken (but not even tentatively challenged) means the harmed children still want to stay with her and not you,. Is that that - What do they do ?

. I don't have a solicitor anymore because my 'meagre' £35,000 spent in a single year, was my limit thus far, and so can no longer afford one right now.  I am desperately keen to know, as I believe that is where my hope lies, if I have any Hope left of course 

May God strike a little bit of justice her neck of the woods for a change, stopping off only to pay her delaying solicitors and Barrister a visit though.

Regards
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#5
Dear All.

I hope you are well, and for all those that are dreading Christmas, I feel your pain also.

Perhaps it was the CAFCASS Officer arriving (unapologetically) 15 mins late at HER offices an hours drive from my Home.
Perhaps it was the fact that she wouldn't even look at me, shake my hand (as is normal no ?)
Perhaps it wa the fact that the audio recordings I had sent her ahead of the meeting, of the Best friend of my ex telling all, and the last call I had with my Son in March of this year, all going UNLISTENED to (with a mere, "I'll review it all later from the CAFCASS lady)
Perhaps it was 2 hours of blur, fiendishly fending off even more accusations than I presumed even my unhinged ex could have mustered.
But you know that way......you just knew !!

And so to the Report. Apparently I am a wife-beating, Alcoholic Druggie, not even suitable for whatever programme it is that might give us all a sporting chance of seeing OUR kids. Conclusion, and just like the Birthday gift that went unacknowledged when it was in the last court order, that my son should "be encouraged to respond", I've to write to my Son, once a month, and he will be encouraged to reply. Well, that's that then. I'm a little bemused by this wishy washy language. I thought courts were quite black and white, but there was NO WAY, my Son was EVER going to have the nerve to respond at Birthday time. 

FYI, he came unannounced to my Home Oct16 (last time I saw him - in hindsight, SHE was upto something, but thats another story). ABSOLUTELY delighted he was to see me. Honestly, for a near 10 yr old as he was then, he really isn't that shy, that it stops him showing his affection for you, thats how I brought him up after all. SHE had meantime been claiming DV (panic alarms installed in her HOME by the Police, and 2 weeks later (for whatever the reason) was at my front door, and in she came. Not a panic was had. They enjoyed it so much (well he certainly did) that after they left, having been to McDs, they came back and I got extra time with him and we shared a meal. How lovely it was.

That was the last time I saw him. She has had a Non-Mol preventing me from contacting her, and so I cannot contact my Son,  and so since then, and 'under the care' of Social Services 'monitoring things' my SON has apparently written a letter to the Judge saying that he doesn't want to see X (used my First name, and not even Dad), that I hit him and his Sister, was violent with His Mother every 2 days or so, and my daughter of a similar letter, threw in "and he stops my Mum from going out...". Incidentally, my Son signed off with his surname changed to that of the Man with whom she is now residing, being her ex-husband. Not that they are remarried, merely that he has, since he saw me last, barely spoken to me, and is now writing letters to Judges using my first name, repeating all of her LIES, referring to TEXTBOOK Domestic abuse/violence, and thrown in a quick name change to sign to. Oh, and I wash down my drugs with alcohol (the alcohol BOTH sides accepted was not an issue, but appears in floods in the CAFCASS report for some reason.

Sorry, awful long I know. Upshot. CAFCASS seem to have damned me EVEN before the 4 day Fact finding hearing, and whatever the outcome of that, I have the rather distressing thought that, like the Birthday gifts 'encouraged to acknowledged (& wasn't), you simply cannot force what must by now, be really damaged Kids, to try and speak to you. CAFCASS are clueless, I know that now, however I have no expectations of people other than Judges (not Magistrates, proper Judges). I trust in God, that this lady Judge I'm getting, will be as switched on as she was at the last brief Hearing, citing her 'surprise' as to how a woman can be having alarms installed (at taxpayers expense bet she's thinking) then 2 weeks later, be in the guys Living room, all nicey nicey. Me neither Judge, and as a Woman (not being sexist) you have an innate ability to sniff out when a woman is completely LYING. Admittedly, the CAFCASS lady was a woman funnily enough, so maybe I'm deluding myself, and it'll be just me and the kids (later in life I dare say) who know the truth.

Barrister says; 'try not to go over your problems with her and her accusations against you before you split up...'. I said in reply; "well if I have been accused of as many DV accusations as there are, and my Son is taking the ex-husbands name, and I've had 18 months of this S**T, so I'm sorry Mrs Barrister costing me £10K for 4 days, I will decide. Seems the damage is done, and me throwing myself at the 'mercy' of the Judge, citing "She's turned the kids against me" well that just ain't cutting it anymore. It USED TO BE (for me at least) about the Kids, but with these shocking revelations of how far down the line my Ex is with the alienation, my kids would seem to be 'gone', LOST to me forever. In which case, devastated as I am (and I am utterly sickened to my stomach), my upcoming court case can ONLY be about showing the Judge what the 'System' and its 'cloak protections for any woman claiming (untested) DV' is capable of doing to CHILDREN. Inparticular, the remarkable turnaround in what was a relationship with the kids that SHE could only have dreamt of. That just came about instinctively, and because I didn't mind missing Eastenders to talk to them or play with them, or read with them, I just got a little less sleep than most I dare say, but I was always buoyed by the "I want My Dad". Not competitively, just that was my 'reward', for all my effort - and Boy, did she Hate that aspect. 

All for NOTHING now. I don't want to be the one to shatter them later, showing them the evidence that their Mum and others around her, set out to get rid of their Dad from their lives, and succeeded. The Judge. Well, I have 4 days in Court, and have absolutely nothing to LOSE, and if it goes as I expect; Parent Alienation will be a just outcome. But damage done eh !! Apologies.
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#6
Bud... its family court... not criminal court (I know, i know... feel like one eh)
They have seen it all before
You are 'up against it' but listen to your barrister " 'try not to go over your problems with her and her accusations against you before you split up...'

Stay focused... judging by your post ... not to easy eh, but distill it down to what is important ? What is your objective ... reestablish contact with your kid?
Then practice the following... " I am not here to defend false allegations, i am here to ensure my son has a quality and healthy relationship with both parents and will do all I can to make that happen... please let me know how that can be facilitated'

My ex spent 10 hours slagging me off in court, i spent 0 hours doing it to her... it's court, not counselling. Focus on the kids and the facts. If you want to prove something ... use fact not opinion. She lies? Show it simply in the court papers (son's letter for example changing his name)
Stay focused!!!! one primary objective, one secondary one... and neither of them are about her but both about your kid!
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#7
(12-11-2017, 03:50 PM)Thanks for your reply. Much appreciated believe me.I know, you are absolutely right of course, and from the off, that\s what I had hoped for, and intended to do. My Barrister is just overwhelmed by the MOUNTAIN of those lies that she has told, and/or the clear changes in her stories from one Police statement to the court statements later etc. Ironically, I think if there were 'just a few' she might have run with it, but i promise you, it is quite literally years of ABUSE, but perpetrated ON ME, not BY ME. So if CAFCASS, as the near final 'Judge' have swallowed it ALL, and it goes unchallenged simply because there are screeds of it, and me sitting there saying I just want to see my kids and get on with their Mum, that patently is not true. I wish it was Criminal Court, because they have seen through her twice already. In fact, i often remark, I wish it was a Murder trial, because it would have been easily identified by a Detective in no time. NO PERSON however, should suffer such an orchestrated and premeditated campaign of constructive removal of children from one parent or another. I have, so I'm at an impasse.My Barrister wants a 'simple' amendment to the schedule that I have been alienated from my kids. But I actually need the constructive HELP of a Judge, and suitable Professionals (child psychologists) if I can even turn this around, given what the kids are now saying. For all I know, 10 mins alone with my Son, might see the truth sadly pour out, as he's a pretty emotional and honest kid, so not surprisingly, might have (as I hope he has) just gone into 'self-preservation mode'. Good boy I say. But what if not. What if it is so entrenched and after near 18 months, it has become the norm, and the 'fake memories' his reality. Without the 'disgust' of a Judge who has come to see what SHE has done, first to me, and in turn, them, then I stand no chance anyway I believe. The way I see it from here, and to achieve her 'disgust', is to help the Judge see line by line if necessary (No ?) how her 'sworn statements' are at best, dubious and illogical, and at worst, as I know they are, vindictive, malicious and detrimental to the well-being of her own kids at the end of the day.So,  what do you think I should do ? I don't know if (in legal Barrister world) an application for an amendment to the Hearing to consider Parent Alienation (as she has drafted) will end up covering all of those points anyway, and I don't want to NOT take her advice. For example; My ex has a daughter, now twenty-one, who was a participant in an assault on me, together with her elder brother (together). That incident is one of her SCOTT schedule claims of DV, where in reality, it was against me, not by me. Funnily enough, not being the brightest, my Ex has NOT called her as a 'witness' and my Barrister is saying I shouldn't. I know her though, and some quick fire questions, and before you know it, she'll end up simply 'telling the truth' and hey presto it might all come out. Even if there are minor areas of less relevant (than assault) issues she might claim as provocation or whatever she manages to come up with, i think she should be called. Then there is a recording of her 'Best Friend' admitting loads of stuff (I was actually trying to record the deterioration of the content of my Sons calls towards the end, as evidence which SS simply ignored of course, but which my Barrister thinks the Judge will not). So her friend reveals what she thinks of my ex, and how cunning and capable a liar she is, and what she has done to those poor kids, and for years. Again. It might sound like I want to slag her off, I don't. But if it provides some Independent verification of their little family conspiracy and the impact that has then undoubtedly had on my two wee ones, isn't that something that a fair-minded and concerned person would want to know ? I'm not sure. I've lost all confidence in the 'system' and having gone 'Direct Access' with my Barrister to ensure I had enough money to even get this far, she is getting annoyed at the mountain of irrefutable (even) proof being lodged in her inbox. I simply do not know what is best to do, given I know these 'additional witnesses' and how insightful their evidence COULD be. Even if she or they, hold it together and lie again, am I any worse off than at this damning CAFCASS juncture ? They are not called as yet). I would need to make an application to the court to have them called I believe (?). At the last Directions Hearing, they were listed, but I wasn't sure if that just meant 'potential witness, subject to me formally applying or what ?Thoughts from here, greatly valued ????Oneilkb LTCDAD Wrote: Bud... its family court... not criminal court (I know, i know... feel like one eh)
They have seen it all before
You are 'up against it' but listen to your barrister " 'try not to go over your problems with her and her accusations against you before you split up...'

Stay focused... judging by your post ... not to easy eh, but distill it down to what is important ? What is your objective ... reestablish contact with your kid?
Then practice the following... " I am not here to defend false allegations, i am here to ensure my son has a quality and healthy relationship with both parents and will do all I can to make that happen... please let me know how that can be facilitated'

My ex spent 10 hours slagging me off in court, i spent 0 hours doing it to her... it's court, not counselling. Focus on the kids and the facts. If you want to prove something ... use fact not opinion. She lies? Show it simply in the court papers (son's letter for example changing his name)
Stay focused!!!! one primary objective, one secondary one... and neither of them are about her but both about your kid!
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#8
Hi ONeil,

I totally get your pain, frustration the loss... the wasted years... pointless eh?

The last bloke to post was right in what he said. You're not going to get justice out of the family court. I'm certain that if you push more for that, you'll end up worse off regarding contact to your kids. It's F'ed up and wrong, but that's how it is. I still take the bait occasionally, but I'm learning. It's all about staying out of the fight. Be strong, be dad even though they've robbed the quality of life off the most dear people to the pair of you.

Your barrister is right I think. Certainly don't try to question her daughter yourself whatever you do.

See if you can get supervised contact? I've just been given a family assistance order, this will be really useful going forward in my own case of my son's mum screwing with his head.

A little bit at a time. Keep being solid, keep being a good dad as you are. The battle is over mate, everyone involved lost and her penalty is the memory of the children. They need you.

I really don't think it serves us to fight for truth and justice (they know these mums are a bit doolally) what the judges want is a dad who can rise above the crap and spend time with the kids without remembering the f'ing mess that was made of their short childhood so far.

My experience recently is that a stupid text I sent last year that has a hostile tone, is more damaging for the kid than her and her partner having a punch up in front of him... like what the F**k? But that's how it is..

Try for supervised contact. It's humiliating but it's contact. I take the approach that the whole thing is now so messed up that I welcome intervention of any shape or form. I end up looking like the good man I am and guess what the ex ends up looking like? The truth does prevail in the end.

Good luck,

J
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