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Recently Split
#11
(11-29-2017, 09:14 AM)Naive Wrote: Two words,  SPOUSAL MAINTENANCE

These words should put the fear of God in you. Were you actually married? if so, was she wasnt working? if not then you have to be very careful.
My ex's sister just finished her second horrifying divorce and she has truly crucified her ex. He is a biggie in London on a high wage, now he lives in a pokey flat near his parents effectively living on minimum wage. With benefits, his spousal and child maintenance she earns more than he does and she doesnt even work, something she is very proud of.

Might be amicable now but you can bet your ass she will start to change when the budding trainee solicitor friend starts mouthing off.
Not trying to instigate conflict, just saying its worth its weight in gold to get good advice about liability from a real solicitor.

This can be true, but not in all cases.

I've been told by two different Solicitors (I've changed recently) that Spousal maintenance would only be considered if I was an exceptionally high earner. By which I mean millionaire or star footballer. 

I earn about £45k a year, and have been told that Spousal maintenance won't be an issue by them both.

(11-29-2017, 09:46 AM)AKentishMan Wrote: Hey Steve, sorry to hear about your situation mate.

First of all, read this: https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

(It was passed to me in this forum pretty early on, and although I followed some of the advice in there, I chose not to follow all of it...I now regret that decision. So please, if you can stick to it (I know it's hard), you will save yourself extra heartache further down the road.

I echo all the advice given so far, get yourself to a solicitor - I did that pretty early on after the ex announced her intentions, and I'm so glad I did. It cost me £228 for 90 minutes, but she put so much in to perspective for me, and told me to pull my socks up and fight for what I want, which is basically 50/50 care.

I also went to see a financial adviser and a separate mortgage adviser in the same week, and started counselling.

It was a massive hit of information to take in all at the same time, and also really very overwhelming whilst dealing with the shock of the split at the same time, BUT it has given me focus and the hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel - I am still right in the thick of it though, under the same roof and starting mediation for our daughter's care next week.

I would just say that you need to arm yourself with as much information as you possibly can, as soon as you can, as that will help put things in to perspective for you, and help you to focus on the two things that really matter - your boys.

I would also say, don't expect it to remain amicable. I was told exactly the same thing at the beginning, and now things are becoming far from amicable. Follow the 180 and get yourself some advice, pronto.

Sorry to hear that your situation has taken a turn for the worse.

Without wishing to hijack the thread, how's it going? Have you had your anniversary?
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#12
(11-29-2017, 09:54 AM)Petem Wrote:
(11-29-2017, 09:14 AM)Naive Wrote: Two words,  SPOUSAL MAINTENANCE

These words should put the fear of God in you. Were you actually married? if so, was she wasnt working? if not then you have to be very careful.
My ex's sister just finished her second horrifying divorce and she has truly crucified her ex. He is a biggie in London on a high wage, now he lives in a pokey flat near his parents effectively living on minimum wage. With benefits, his spousal and child maintenance she earns more than he does and she doesnt even work, something she is very proud of.

Might be amicable now but you can bet your ass she will start to change when the budding trainee solicitor friend starts mouthing off.
Not trying to instigate conflict, just saying its worth its weight in gold to get good advice about liability from a real solicitor.

This can be true, but not in all cases.

I've been told by two different Solicitors (I've changed recently) that Spousal maintenance would only be considered if I was an exceptionally high earner. By which I mean millionaire or star footballer. 

I earn about £45k a year, and have been told that Spousal maintenance won't be an issue by them both.

(11-29-2017, 09:46 AM)AKentishMan Wrote: Hey Steve, sorry to hear about your situation mate.

First of all, read this: https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

(It was passed to me in this forum pretty early on, and although I followed some of the advice in there, I chose not to follow all of it...I now regret that decision. So please, if you can stick to it (I know it's hard), you will save yourself extra heartache further down the road.

I echo all the advice given so far, get yourself to a solicitor - I did that pretty early on after the ex announced her intentions, and I'm so glad I did. It cost me £228 for 90 minutes, but she put so much in to perspective for me, and told me to pull my socks up and fight for what I want, which is basically 50/50 care.

I also went to see a financial adviser and a separate mortgage adviser in the same week, and started counselling.

It was a massive hit of information to take in all at the same time, and also really very overwhelming whilst dealing with the shock of the split at the same time, BUT it has given me focus and the hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel - I am still right in the thick of it though, under the same roof and starting mediation for our daughter's care next week.

I would just say that you need to arm yourself with as much information as you possibly can, as soon as you can, as that will help put things in to perspective for you, and help you to focus on the two things that really matter - your boys.

I would also say, don't expect it to remain amicable. I was told exactly the same thing at the beginning, and now things are becoming far from amicable. Follow the 180 and get yourself some advice, pronto.

Sorry to hear that your situation has taken a turn for the worse.

Without wishing to hijack the thread, how's it going? Have you had your anniversary?
I earn similar to you PeteM and hope it doesn't get nasty. we have never had a stormy relationship and barely argued but didn't speak that much! She is working and always has so hopefully the spousal maintenance shouldn't come into it?

I am refusing and set against moving out still even if it pisses her off as she is the one wanting to change and will wait until she makes the next move whatever that will be through herself or being advised!!
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#13
(11-29-2017, 09:54 AM)Petem Wrote: Sorry to hear that your situation has taken a turn for the worse.

Without wishing to hijack the thread, how's it going? Have you had your anniversary?

Hey mate, no problem - I've updated in the other thread: http://www.separateddads.co.uk/forum/thr...l#pid17923
Reply
#14
(11-29-2017, 09:54 AM)Petem Wrote:
(11-29-2017, 09:14 AM)Naive Wrote: Two words,  SPOUSAL MAINTENANCE

These words should put the fear of God in you. Were you actually married? if so, was she wasnt working? if not then you have to be very careful.
My ex's sister just finished her second horrifying divorce and she has truly crucified her ex. He is a biggie in London on a high wage, now he lives in a pokey flat near his parents effectively living on minimum wage. With benefits, his spousal and child maintenance she earns more than he does and she doesnt even work, something she is very proud of.

Might be amicable now but you can bet your ass she will start to change when the budding trainee solicitor friend starts mouthing off.
Not trying to instigate conflict, just saying its worth its weight in gold to get good advice about liability from a real solicitor.

This can be true, but not in all cases.

I've been told by two different Solicitors (I've changed recently) that Spousal maintenance would only be considered if I was an exceptionally high earner. By which I mean millionaire or star footballer. 

I earn about £45k a year, and have been told that Spousal maintenance won't be an issue by them both.

(11-29-2017, 09:46 AM)AKentishMan Wrote: Hey Steve, sorry to hear about your situation mate.

First of all, read this: https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

(It was passed to me in this forum pretty early on, and although I followed some of the advice in there, I chose not to follow all of it...I now regret that decision. So please, if you can stick to it (I know it's hard), you will save yourself extra heartache further down the road.

I echo all the advice given so far, get yourself to a solicitor - I did that pretty early on after the ex announced her intentions, and I'm so glad I did. It cost me £228 for 90 minutes, but she put so much in to perspective for me, and told me to pull my socks up and fight for what I want, which is basically 50/50 care.

I also went to see a financial adviser and a separate mortgage adviser in the same week, and started counselling.

It was a massive hit of information to take in all at the same time, and also really very overwhelming whilst dealing with the shock of the split at the same time, BUT it has given me focus and the hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel - I am still right in the thick of it though, under the same roof and starting mediation for our daughter's care next week.

I would just say that you need to arm yourself with as much information as you possibly can, as soon as you can, as that will help put things in to perspective for you, and help you to focus on the two things that really matter - your boys.

I would also say, don't expect it to remain amicable. I was told exactly the same thing at the beginning, and now things are becoming far from amicable. Follow the 180 and get yourself some advice, pronto.

Sorry to hear that your situation has taken a turn for the worse.

Without wishing to hijack the thread, how's it going? Have you had your anniversary?
sorry not been on for a while and just taking stock of everything.

LAST NIGHT!!! So out of the blue my wife turns to me and says that she wants to give it a go and over the last week has realised that she has missed me and the whole home thing. I say it is going to be tough and we both need to make changes.  I went out for an hour to process all this in my head and when I get back she then does a U-turn and says she shouldn't have said it and emotionally she has been all over the place the last few days and doesn't know what she wants!!!!

This is all on the back of me offering to buy her out of the FMH on sunday with a cash offer.

What do I do from here??? How do I approach things? I still love her and want to give it a go but so scared of getting hurt again??

Any help at all will be grateful??????????????
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#15
It does sound like your wife's all over the place. And by my reckoning, that's because she hasn't made her mind up what to do. So if you still want her, there's still a chance.

Be honest with her. If despite everything you love her, tell her that. If you're scared of getting hurt, tell her that too. And if you want her, need her and can't image how happiness could feel without her in your arms, then she needs to know that.

Tell her what you've told us.

And don't be afraid. It can't actually get worse than the path you're travelling down now. You've nothing to lose.

Just tell her how you feel.
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#16
Stevep - you situation sounds so similar to me....I told mine how I feel and as much as it was laying my cards on the table I am at the 'nothing to lose' phase....she will think and agree to give it a go or i start on separation path.
Not interested in the trial separation myself as dont want to give kids false hope so we await what she concludes
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