Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Recently Split
#1
My wife of 12 years told me she had changed and wanted to split about 2 weeks ago. We have 2 sons aged 14 and 16 and have been together 18 years in total. Our money was all in joint bank accounts and the family home is mortgaged in both names. I think she was expecting me to move out so she could carry on with her life but just without me being in the equation. We are currently still sharing the marital bed and agreed to go halves on the bills after she has now set up her own bank account.

Please could anyone advise on the best way forward? the mortgage is a fixed rate for the next 20 months and carries a £7k early redemption fee if we sell the house. What do I give up if I move out? I have nowhere to move to but she could go stay at her parents. Do I still pay the bills or just the mortgage if I move out?

Any help/advice is appreciated as this is all too much from a man who never thought would be in this situation!!!

Thanks
Reply
#2
Hi Steve,

First off, I'd say don't worry - This will all get sorted out. Whilst you may never have thought this would happen, this won't be the end of the world.

I'll tell you about what happened to me, and just see what you think.

I was married for 12 years, and have three kids who are all primary-school aged. My wife didn't/doesn't work, and we had a house in both our names with a fixed rate mortgage. All money was in either joint accounts or in her name. I do alright, but am hardly a millionaire.

I ended up leaving the family home two months after we agreed to separate. We'd originally stayed under the same roof but with me in the spare room, as we had issues with how much it would cost for me to move out. The night she threatened to stab me in my sleep put an end to that.

I moved into rental accommodation, and my ex stayed in the family home. I agreed to continue paying all the bills (expecting her to then get a job - she didn't), but my Solicitor told me that I was only liable for my half of the mortgage and child maintenance.

As it happens my ex pushed for the sale of the house, which found a buyer 10 days after going on the market. We paid the redemption fees out of the equity raised, with the rest being held by the conveyancing Solicitors until an agreement/court order is made.

You will have parental responsibility for your boys, and will of course be expected to pay maintenance for them. That'll depend on your earnings and the number of nights per week that they would stay with you. GOV.UK has a very good calculator for this. Also the age of your children would make it more likely that they'll take their wishes into account with regards to parental contact or residence.

Anything else you'd like to know - just ask. You're not on your own.
Reply
#3
Thanks Pete,

The wife is wanting to sell the house and take the redemption fees herself from her equity but are you saying that we cannot get access to the rest of the equity?? No solicitors or anybody involved at this stage so I thought we could sell and split 50/50. My concern for not doing this is my sons upcoming GCSE's and the upheavel. She has told friends that she doesn't want to go down the CSA route and try resolve amicably which given the way she is acting recently may change!!
Reply
#4
(11-28-2017, 12:51 PM)Stevep Wrote: Thanks Pete,

The wife is wanting to sell the house and take the redemption fees herself from her equity but are you saying that we cannot get access to the rest of the equity?? No solicitors or anybody involved at this stage so I thought we could sell and split 50/50. My concern for not doing this is my sons upcoming GCSE's and the upheavel. She has told friends that she doesn't want to go down the CSA route and try resolve amicably which given the way she is acting recently may change!!


Our Conveyancers are a third party, so not associated with either of the firms handling our divorce. They'll release the funds if they receive written agreement from both myself and my ex as to where the money goes. If we can't agree (and we're not at the minute), then the decision can be made by a Judge. The equity in our case is probably not going to be split halfway though, as my ex is entitled to half of my pension for the time we were married. That'll possibly come out of my share.

If it was me though, I'd look at getting the services of a Solicitor. Even if things go as amicably as you hope, there'll still be some things that you might want a professional to handle. And they'll be there from the start should things turn nasty.
Reply
#5
Positives (there are some)
Your kids are older so will choose to stay in touch with you... the ex will not be able to tell them they can't go to their dads on a Saturday evening so aim for 50:50 custody even if it don't work out like that
You can also have adult conversations with them so if the wife plays up... yes they are still kids but they are not meal tickets so she shoudl not use them as such (common with young kids)
CMS is the maximum you pay so work it out and when she sends her request for 4x as much... you can go to CMS ;-)

Don;t move out... ask her to go to her parents for a few weeks to give everyone some space
Don't try and solve everything in one go... Kids first... they are important... the rest is bricks and mortar
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
Reply
#6
Sorry to hear about your situation....I would say get some legal advice. Just so you know where you stand. Amicably only works when it's onot their terms. I hope she doesn't change but many do.
Reply
#7
(11-28-2017, 01:47 PM)LTCDAD Wrote: Positives (there are some)
Your kids are older so will choose to stay in touch with you... the ex will not be able to tell them they can't go to their dads on a Saturday evening so aim for 50:50 custody even if it don't work out like that
You can also have adult conversations with them so if the wife plays up... yes they are still kids but they are not meal tickets so she shoudl not use them as such (common with young kids)
CMS is the maximum you pay so work it out and when she sends her request for 4x as much... you can go to CMS ;-)

Don;t move out... ask her to go to her parents for a few weeks to give everyone some space
Don't try and solve everything in one go... Kids first... they are important... the rest is bricks and mortar

Thanks for your comments and they are all helping. I don't think she will move out and leave the kids as already been down that route a few times even though it is her choice to change things.

I am seeing the solicitor tomorrow afternoon for advice but don't think 30 mins will be long enough. There are so many questions going round in my head to think rationally and just trying to be round the kids as much as possible so it doesn't affect them too much even though it will.
Reply
#8
(11-28-2017, 01:53 PM)Stevep Wrote:
(11-28-2017, 01:47 PM)LTCDAD Wrote: Positives (there are some)
Your kids are older so will choose to stay in touch with you... the ex will not be able to tell them they can't go to their dads on a Saturday evening so aim for 50:50 custody even if it don't work out like that
You can also have adult conversations with them so if the wife plays up... yes they are still kids but they are not meal tickets so she shoudl not use them as such (common with young kids)
CMS is the maximum you pay so work it out and when she sends her request for 4x as much... you can go to CMS ;-)

Don;t move out... ask her to go to her parents for a few weeks to give everyone some space
Don't try and solve everything in one go... Kids first... they are important... the rest is bricks and mortar

Thanks for your comments and they are all helping. I don't think she will move out and leave the kids as already been down that route a few times even though it is her choice to change things.

I am seeing the solicitor tomorrow afternoon for advice but don't think 30 mins will be long enough. There are so many questions going round in my head to think rationally and just trying to be round the kids as much as possible so it doesn't affect them too much even though it will.

You could do what I did, which was get 30 minute free consultations with a few different Solicitors, and ask them all different questions.

Plus it gives you more chance to find a good one.
Reply
#9
Two words, SPOUSAL MAINTENANCE

These words should put the fear of God in you. Were you actually married? if so, was she wasnt working? if not then you have to be very careful.
My ex's sister just finished her second horrifying divorce and she has truly crucified her ex. He is a biggie in London on a high wage, now he lives in a pokey flat near his parents effectively living on minimum wage. With benefits, his spousal and child maintenance she earns more than he does and she doesnt even work, something she is very proud of.

Might be amicable now but you can bet your ass she will start to change when the budding trainee solicitor friend starts mouthing off.
Not trying to instigate conflict, just saying its worth its weight in gold to get good advice about liability from a real solicitor.
Reply
#10
Hey Steve, sorry to hear about your situation mate.

First of all, read this: https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/

(It was passed to me in this forum pretty early on, and although I followed some of the advice in there, I chose not to follow all of it...I now regret that decision. So please, if you can stick to it (I know it's hard), you will save yourself extra heartache further down the road.

I echo all the advice given so far, get yourself to a solicitor - I did that pretty early on after the ex announced her intentions, and I'm so glad I did. It cost me £228 for 90 minutes, but she put so much in to perspective for me, and told me to pull my socks up and fight for what I want, which is basically 50/50 care.

I also went to see a financial adviser and a separate mortgage adviser in the same week, and started counselling.

It was a massive hit of information to take in all at the same time, and also really very overwhelming whilst dealing with the shock of the split at the same time, BUT it has given me focus and the hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel - I am still right in the thick of it though, under the same roof and starting mediation for our daughter's care next week.

I would just say that you need to arm yourself with as much information as you possibly can, as soon as you can, as that will help put things in to perspective for you, and help you to focus on the two things that really matter - your boys.

I would also say, don't expect it to remain amicable. I was told exactly the same thing at the beginning, and now things are becoming far from amicable. Follow the 180 and get yourself some advice, pronto.
Reply




Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)