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Loosing hope...what can the father do?
#1
You would hope given almost 5 years of separation/divorce and both parties having moved on, that certain aspects regarding the children would become amicable, sadly this is not the case. Today I learnt from CMS that I had been reported again for 3rd year in a row. Bearing in mind I volunteer payments and have never missed a payment since the day of separation.
Year 1 - it was suggested that I don’t see the children on a Tuesday – I do regularly. But for the sake of £10 per month I gave in and let her have her way. However, I hasten to add, still seeing the kids on a Tuesday.
Year 2- She applied for a variation because she moved 8 miles closer with her new partner therefore my mileage was less. The couple of pounds a month claim was rejected because of this I thought sod a claimed Tuesdays.
Year 3 – Yet again I am reported to the CMS again this time because KID is in a Rugby Club and playing for County therefore I won’t see her at weekends anyone (I heard that nice news direct from CMS!).
During these years;
·        I have provided KID with a Mobile phone so she can contact me or her mother when she’s apart from either of us. I’ve never moaned and always given her freedom and space to call who she needs to (more importantly without listening in). Unfortunately KID was not allowed to contact me on the phone I brought and paid for, although she was allowed on days she was actually with me!!(What’s the point). So when she broke the phone I said look there’s no point me paying for it anymore as you can’t ring me. Her Mum and Partner provided her a phone 6 months ago that she’s not allowed to use to contact me and heaven forbid OTHER PEOPLE.
·        KID goes to Rugby but we are not allowed to watch her play because this is EX'S AND NEW PARTNERs domain and it was HER NEW PARTNERS idea.
·        Weekends KID plays rugby she has to stay with her Mother so she can play the game she’s not allowed for NEW GF or me to take her (therefore still seeing us at the weekend).
·        KID is not allowed to bring a friend when she sees me on a Tuesday night, I think I must be the devil re-incarnated)
·        KID is actively encouraged to have little to do with MY NEW PARTNER.
·        EX"S NEW PARTNER has informed me what it’s like to have an absent father and how that can hamper the father child relationship. My father died when I was 5? I assume I don’t know what that’s like? He recommended I move closer to see the children. However how would moving any closer help? I live 88miles away and you still have issues with me seeing the children as often as I do and you don’t want me near during sporting events?
·        The children are told to blank our presence on sports days and they must speak to their Mother and HER NEW PARTNER first and only when they are allowed after seeking permission can they speak to MY NEW GF or me.
·        I have had to fight one year to get passports which were eventually supplied 2 weeks prior to a possible holiday (better after that year)
·        To be fair the list could go on and on and on and on…..and I’m not joking.
What do I do? I pay the £971.52 CMS fee every month without fail. I pay the spousal maintenance of £200 without fail and more importantly we ask to see the children regularly – that really is it nothing more nothing less. For years driving to and from SPECIFIC PLACE and all bar one occasion (stuck in traffic) sticking to dates and times like clockwork never wanting  to let the kids down.

I hasten to add, she was caught out having an affair so I left, I just couldn't feel the same way about her. I didn't want the kids to grow up witnessing a false relationship it needed to be real.
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#2
Hi. I think there comes a point when you just accept/realise that - you pay the money, you have the child contact (and if you don't you go to court) and in between your ex will make every possible difficulty she can for you. You can't change her. What you can do is just deal with stuff one at a time. Go for what you want. It may not be fair, but the most important thing is that you get to see/spend time with your daughter regularly. The other issues can be dealt with a bit at a time, you may not get things exactly as you want.

That sounds like a heck of a lot of child support. In my experience - it's hell initially - it calms down for a bit - then it's hell again when they move on and want a new life with someone else.

So maybe accept a few things - that she is out to get what she wants and not to be fair. That she would like to replace you as a Dad with her new partner probably. And that she won't want you to have extra time with your daughter as she'd lose CMS payments.

Not sure exactly what your circumstances are but I'm surprised you're still having to pay spousal maintenance.

I think you should apply to court though, if you're not happy with this situation, because no she can't cancel your week-ends because of Rugby. Fine they organised the rugby - they go on their week-ends, you go on your week-ends. She is not allowed to dictate to your daughter what she does or doesn't do when in your care, or to micromanage your life.

Blanking your presence on sports day is parental alienation. I've just had that recently and it's hell - not nice for me but hell for my son who is in an embarrassing and upsetting position having to ignore one parent completely. The motivation behind that is to make it look like the child doesn't want to see you.

I would go to court and ask for a defined Child Arrangements order that sets out when you see your daughter, and defines matters like who takes her to Rugby etc on which week-end. But basically if it's her week-end with you, it's none of her Mother's business, unless you make an agreement.

88 miles is a long way. How often do you see her? Moving closer could be an option, especially if you are then applyig for a court order. Your daughter needs you in her life.

As for the stepdad giving you patronising advice on being an "absent Father" - punch a cushion. Although he is clearly out of date as the term "absent Fathers" hasn't been used for a long time - and indeed that would make Mothers into absent Mothers if a Father got a residency order. You can imagine what you would be tempted to say to him - ie I am a parent - you are a step-parent. Where my daughter lives when she is with me is my business, and if I'm an absent Father then you're an absent brain.
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#3
(12-03-2017, 09:56 PM)Charlie7000 Thanks Charlie some useful advice.My daughter is 1 of my 3 children thats why payments are so high. Basically when I was married I was the main bread winner with my ex-wife the home Mum so she had no fee earning job. When I found out about her affair we separated I just didn\t trust her anymore and the chap she had an affair with was her ex-boyfriend and chap who she'd had a number of dealings with throughout our marriage and I'd just had enough.During my marriage I worked 88 miles away but commuted to and from work 3 days a week and worked from home for 2 days. When I did commute I changed my work hours to ensure I was home in good time starting at 5:30 and home by 4:30. I loved being there and taking the kids to and from school on my days working from home. Throughout the marriage my ex-wife was a control freak and didn't like my family, hence I lost touch with them because: Wrote:
  • She would threaten to divorce me if I had anything to do with my family I hadn't spoken to my family for years
  • She threatened to abort our 3rd child if I went near my mother (because she aborted our first child I didn't think this was a loose threat)
  • She would control my social media accounts for signs of family involvement and any ex-girlfriends I might of had.
  • I enjoyed playing football on a Sunday morning she stopped that because she said my focus should be on the family and our children, made me feel really guilty.
Really the list is endless but these might give a bit of the picture.

When I found out about the affair it was the straw that broke the camels back for me, I simply couldn't believe it. I'd given this woman everything. I'd neglected my own family. We had 3 lovely children - I just didn't understand it. 

I went back to try and work things out but I just didn't see her for who I was saw her as, I didn't like her near and couldn't stand her touching me. It wasn't a healthy environment for the kids so I knew I had to leave. Leaving broke my heart and nearly drove me over the edge - 3 months of insomnia loosing the will to live. I moved back with my family after years of not speaking I just turned up on the doorstep and in a mess. Then after years of help counselling etc I began to get back on my feet.

After 6 months living at home I rented a property nearer my work, my Mum would only let my kids stay 1 day a week and i needed to see them more - for 1 night you can't be the father that you need to be. I was still paying the mortgage on my old house and the bills until the divorce finalized. So I rented a 2 bedroom cottage nearer my work so I could have the kids more. My ex-wife then accused my of having unsuitable accommodation (not enough bedrooms) and questioned my sleeping arrangements. That was really all i could afford paying for 2 houses is difficult.

Anyway the reason I lived 88 miles away was because work dictated it to some extent, I couldn't afford two houses without cutting the commute and saving on fuel and giving the kids a home with me. She doesn't let me see the kids anymore often anyway and wouldn't if I was closer - and you're right she doesn't want me in their lives. She's been living with her new chap for 2/3 years and even talks about the kids changing their surname to his surname. I know that can't happen but it hurts hearing the kids say it.

Spousal maintenance I haven't a clue on - I live in rented accommodation a 2 bed cottage and she lives in a 7 bedroom house with her new fella who she's engaged to. Do I have a case to get spousal reduced or finished? I'm told this can only be stopped if she re-marries?   











  Hi.  I think there comes a point when you just accept/realise that - you pay the money, you have the child contact (and if you don't you go to court) and in between your ex will make every possible difficulty she can for you.  You can't change her.  What you can do is just deal with stuff one at a time. Go for what you want.  It may not be fair, but the most important thing is that you get to see/spend time with your daughter regularly.  The other issues can be dealt with a bit at a time, you may not get things exactly as you want.

That sounds like a heck of a lot of child support.  In my experience - it's hell initially - it calms down for a bit - then it's hell again when they move on and want a new life with someone else.

So maybe accept a few things - that she is out to get what she wants and not to be fair.  That she would like to replace you as a Dad with her new partner probably.  And that she won't want you to have extra time with your daughter as she'd lose CMS payments.

Not sure exactly what your circumstances are but I'm surprised you're still having to pay spousal maintenance.

I think you should apply to court though, if you're not happy with this situation, because no she can't cancel your week-ends because of Rugby.  Fine they organised the rugby - they go on their week-ends, you go on your week-ends.  She is not allowed to dictate to your daughter what she does or doesn't do when in your care, or to micromanage your life.

Blanking your presence on sports day is parental alienation.  I've just had that recently and it's hell - not nice for me but hell for my son who is in an embarrassing and upsetting position having to ignore one parent completely.  The motivation behind that is to make it look like the child doesn't want to see you.

I would go to court and ask for a defined Child Arrangements order that sets out when you see your daughter, and defines matters like who takes her to Rugby etc on which week-end.  But basically if it's her week-end with you, it's none of her Mother's business, unless you make an agreement.

88 miles is a long way.  How often do you see her?  Moving closer could be an option, especially if you are then applyig for a court order.  Your daughter needs you in her life.

As for the stepdad giving you patronising advice on being an "absent Father" - punch a cushion.  Although he is clearly out of date as the term "absent Fathers" hasn't been used for a long time - and indeed that would make Mothers into absent Mothers if a Father got a residency order.  You can imagine what you would be tempted to say to him - ie I am a parent - you are a step-parent.  Where my daughter lives when she is with me is my business, and if I'm an absent Father then you're an absent brain.
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#4
wellz2013

Please reomve anything from your original post that identifies the kid - i did quick job
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#5
It sounds like you've had a tough time. And she wants everything her own way. Spousal maintenance can always be varied, up or down. Sometimes it isn't just if she remarries, but if she lives with someone, that it ends. If you wanted to vary it though it might need to be on the basis that your financial circumstances have changed. It sounds like a raw deal. Have you had an up to date assessment via the new Child Maintenance Options? They have a calculator - just thought it could be good to see if you are overpaying. Click the link near the bottom of this page for the calculator.

https://www.cmoptions.org/en/calculator/

Plenty of others can sympathise with what you've been through and current situation. I guess now is the time to decide what to do about it.
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