Help with Alienation

[cavemanjay]

Really need some advice, i have been separated from my partner for 5years and have had my son a weekend a month since, due to Distance apart. The separation was due to my controlling ex partner to the point of it making my socially anxious. we were never married, we had some legal solicitor to solicitor letters to arrange everything right at the start, but nothing through the courts or binding.

I have had him regularly from the age of about 18months old to now nearly 7 years old, usual helicopter parenting by mother over texts, which means a nervous weekend under a spotlight, but recently he has become obsessed with the amount of days he is with me, getting worried if he is away from Mum for too long, which i took as him being more used to time with his mother.

I have him this weekend and it has came to a head somewhat, he was mentioning how many days here and i jokingly said "don't you like coming here", which he replied with "yeah but i miss mummy", again nothing to alarming until he mentioned "mummy said when i'm twelve she said i wont be coming anymore", bit taken back, i said "wont you miss us"(meaning me, mum, dad his two half sisters etc) and he said "yeah but its what mummy said" implying he doesn't have a choice and her intentions not as she shows face to face.

The issue with the situation is the mother isn't someone i can approach without it getting really messy, at present, even though its a nervous, worrying and upsetting monthly visit(which i obviously don't want it to be), im still seeing him but i don't know if its just a clingy parent or if its more vindictive(since a new male is on the scene and present at every pickup and drop off) of trying to put a wedge between us, The 12year age thing seems to imply a legal terminology has been looked into?

Apologise if thats all muddled, im still an anxious person and this is still fresh in my mind and panicking about whats going on and don't want to mess up or get myself into a bad situation, all i wanted was to see my son ever month, allowed to be a dad and have an easy life as far as the ex goes, asking a lot i know.

Just need advice on what to do for the best, financially im not in a position to go all out with the courts, but don't know if to go in hard ball with legal threats/letters or just sit back and not rock the boat just yet.

Thanks

[Charlie7000]

Sorry you're having this. No wonder your son has been obsessing about when he is with you. I had something like this recently, also after about 8 years. Sounds like your ex is doing the same as mine. Mine now wants rid of me - I was useful for babysitting when son was younger but she also tried to turn him against me and kept saying he could choose where to live when he is 12 - she wants a normal family for herself now with her husband and their child together. So I'm in the middle of court over it. And it's cruel to mess with a kid like that - you can't just let them have a home for years and then say I'm taking it away when you're 12 so you might as well get used to it.

I don't know what this 12 thing is either, but it's why I'm going to court now, to try and get a watertight order that lasts through till son is older. I think some Mum's have read all the stuff about wishes and feelings of child being taken into account when they get to 12 or 13. And of course most kids say what their Mum's tell them to say and will get pressured to do so by the sound of it.

What confused me was - he already lives with her! And I doubt a court would say "no contact". She realised that so started on a campaign of accusing me of various abusive behaviours. Knowing the only way for there to be no contact was if there was abuse involved. That got knocked on the head so then she started alienating son. Telling him bad stuff about me (really bad) that wasn't true, and my partner and being angry with him if he had a nice time when here, because he was supposed to back her up saying he didn't want to come. Puts the kids well in the middle.

So I also submitted a C1A for emotional and psychological welfare issues citing the report from social services (she reported me but it backfired on her). I have no idea what the court will do about it - because i don't just want a watertight order, I want something done if she is going to poison his mind and stress him like that just because she wants her own way.

You could try starting mediation. But that costs money too. At the first session, the MIAM, you go on your own, explain the issues to the mediator and she then invites your ex and tries to get it sorted out and some sort of agreement reached. That can then be stamped in court as a consent order I believe (so I've been told) but I'm not sure if that is because I already have an order or if it's the same for everyone - but you could phone a mediator and ask them that. If that doesn't go anywhere, then you get signed off at mediation and you need that sign off form to be able to apply to court. Plenty of people have done it on their own and you would get support on here. The court fee is £215.

As for your son, I would try being reassuring when he is there. I've had to change things a lot due to effects on son. Normal discipline isn't possible as he gets upset or rejected so easily, so I'm very low key now and just try to be reassuring rather than tell him off if he's difficult. I was advised to try empathy to help him. An example of this I was given was, at a convenient moment, say something like - it must be difficult for you at the moment, how are you coping? When I said that son didn't answer but he acknowledged and nodded and I think it helped him that I understood it was a tough time for him and confusing. I also said, at one point, that I am his Dad and he can always see me if he wants to and that he has a right to see and spend time with both his parents and I would try and sort things out. He is clearly anxious that he may not be able to come any more - as he told you about it.

Incidentally Cafcass have been in the papers a lot recently saying Parental Alienation is child abuse, and they will be starting a new way of doing things with a high conflict team for these cases, next Spring apparently. The difficulty is proving it. It isn't enough to say "son told me this" so anything you can get in writing is good - email communications etc.

You could start by emailing her saying you are concerned that son seems anxious recently and wondering when he is going to see you and suggest that it might be an idea to have additional time with him now he is getting a bit older. Not sure how you would work that. How far away are you? Could you do every other week-end?

Your email might get a response from her with her views/plans for the future. Which may help. It may help if she is as hostile as mine and writes a 3 page email saying son hates coming and won't have to when he's 12 etc etc. Because you have a history that shows that isn't the case - he has been bonded with you and you have been parenting him for years. Why would he not want to se you?

[cavemanjay]

Thanks for the reply, i never thought about mediation, may be a safe way of bringing it all out in the open, while covering myself. Im hoping that the parental alienation coverage will shock her into stopping it too. with my ex its all about coming off whiter than white(something that no-one can be 100%)

Yeah, i have been reassuring my son and as i've had him from such a young age and was main carer for my older daughter from 3years upwards i have had to be a softer dad and bring that side to the front. the whole situation has shattered my nerves over along period but it helps knowing it isn't just me going through this, i hope all goes well in your case and thank you again for replying and helping me not feel so stuck and lost.

[Charlie7000]

I think the whiter than white thing is common. It is wearing Motherhood like a victory medal. I'm a Mother, I can do know wrong - you're an idiot bloke and don't get anything - kind of attitude.

If your ex is anything like mine the media coverage won't stop her - she thinks nothing applies to her personally - or would just accuse me of parental alienation instead! If she can't think of anything else to accuse me of that week. It's an agenda.

[cavemanjay]

(12-05-2017, 12:34 AM)Charlie7000 Wrote: I think the whiter than white thing is common.  It is wearing Motherhood like a victory medal.  I'm a Mother, I can do know wrong - you're an idiot bloke and don't get anything - kind of attitude.

If your ex is anything like mine the media coverage won't stop her - she thinks nothing applies to her personally - or would just accuse me of parental alienation instead!  If she can't think of anything else to accuse me of that week.  It's an agenda.

Yeah, you are most probably right, i picked a right one lol. What im trying to do now is get to see my son with as little stress and personal risk as possible, its terrible but you have to assume the worse in every situation and comment etc, im now just to try and limit possible repercussions.

[wannabedad]

I am in the throes of trying to gain access to my daughter and have done the requisite mediation piece and was frankly hugely disappointed with the mediation mechanism. From my experience, it can only work if you are both willing to find a MUTUALLY acceptable solution that is in the child's best interests. If the mother (or father) is very controlling and has visions of being the sole parent then it is a waste of time and money because a mediators job is simply to keep you talking to each other and does not try to push one or the other in a more fair direction that would bring about balance and fairness. I had spent years constantly trying to get my ex partner to see how unfairly she treated me and it was all to no avail so mediation made absolutely no difference whatsoever.