Experience of Fathers Getting Residency

[baffled]

Since our separation children (12 & 9) have been living with me and see their mother from Fri eventing to Sat evening.  Mother keeps changing her mind about what kind of children arrangement she wants.  She still lives in FMH and works from 0830 to 1700.  For her, having children during the week is absolutely impractical, she knows that but does not accept it.  Mediation isn't going anywhere because we keep going round in circles.  One minute, she wants shared care, another she wants full "custody".  As to how she'll manage everything, her stock answer is that "I'll manage." 

Even when I agree to some of her demands, she changes her mind.  Another problem is that she wants all of the assets in divorce settlement regardless of what we agree on children because she does not want to be financially insecure (having been a STHM for a long time).  Literally everything she says is about what she wants because she is a mother.  It is almost as if I never existed in children's lives.

I've now reached a point where continuing with mediation seems a bit pointless.  Children don't want to split their week between parents either and only want to see the mother on weekends.  The question I'm struggling with is whether to ignore the whole thing and just continue with the current informal arrangement or go to court for something along the lines of mother getting EOW and half of school holidays (not that she'll be able to manage that)?

I'd be interested in what experience other dads have where they've gone for this kind of arrangement.

[LTCDAD]

What is happening now is a major factor in what happens in the future (and what a court will rule on ... they want to keep the 'norm') so a parent (mother or father) would need a strong case to change from the current status quo

doing 5 week days to you and 2 weekend to her actually disadvantages you as you don't have quality time with kids at weekend BUT you may be happy with that

In her defense ...'I'll manage' is probably a good defense ... many people manage with far worse situations ...the trick is finding something you can both agree on that works for your situation ... it will change anyway... things always do so try it and revisit if it doesn't work after a few months.

Don't make her choose between her job and the kids... many people do both so 'being a mother' is probably her last line of defense... if you think of it as 'being a parent' you will both be on the same page

[baffled]

(12-04-2017, 12:10 PM)LTCDAD Wrote: What is happening now is a major factor in what happens in the future (and what a court will rule on ... they want to keep the 'norm') so a parent (mother or father) would need a strong case to change from the current status quo

doing 5 week days to you and 2 weekend to her actually disadvantages you as you don't have quality time with kids at weekend BUT you may be happy with that

In her defense ...'I'll manage' is probably a good defense ... many people manage with far worse situations ...the trick is finding something you can both agree on that works for your situation ... it will change anyway... things always do so try it and revisit if it doesn't work after a few months.

Don't make her choose between her job and the kids... many people do both so 'being a mother' is probably her last line of defense... if you think of it as 'being a parent' you will both be on the same page

Thanks LTCDAD.

I want kids to spend equal quality time with both parents but their mother keeps changing her mind about what she wants. 

I've no intention of making her choose between her job and kids.  She starts work at 0830 and school (15 miles away) starts at 0845, I cannot see how she is going to make that work.  Similarly, she finishes at 1700 and kids need to be picked up at 1545.  She can move but it still does not work unless she changes her job as well.  I've offered several different options around how we can make different arrangements work but she does not want to listen.  I've tried to discuss half-terms, summer holidays, Christmas, birthdays...so on and then she goes back to "I want full 'custody'."  Even the mediator asked what that meant for the Father and she said "I don't know."

I totally agree that things change and have tried to make this point to her as well.  I had suggested that we agree on what can be broadly half of their time with both parents and then adjust it around children's needs when necessary.  She says that she does not want to discuss anything with me.  I just don't know how this is ever going to work.

We've the next mediation session this week and will see if she has decided on what she wants.

[marwood]

My advice is get it into court asap. My ex- was the same, going around in circles. Court has been great so far, it has enforced a timetable on the whole thing.

[baffled]

(12-10-2017, 12:42 AM)marwood Wrote: My advice is get it into court asap.  My ex- was the same, going around in circles.  Court has been great so far, it has enforced a timetable on the whole thing.

Had another mediation session and we did not get anywhere.  Even when I agree to a 50:50 arrangement, after a few minutes she says that she wants children to live with her.  I don't know what that means.  Knowing her and her family, there is no doubt in my mind that she will be very difficult to deal with in future.

It is becoming clear that she wants to maximise her financial "gains" but at the same time is quite certain that courts always side with the mother.  I have told her that she can claim all the benefits regardless of the arrangement.

I'm going to give another chance to mediation in the next few weeks and see if we can come to some agreement.  If not, she can go to court and ask for status quo to be changed.

[marwood]

(12-10-2017, 10:38 PM)baffled Wrote:

(12-10-2017, 12:42 AM)marwood Wrote: My advice is get it into court asap.  My ex- was the same, going around in circles.  Court has been great so far, it has enforced a timetable on the whole thing.

Had another mediation session and we did not get anywhere.  Even when I agree to a 50:50 arrangement, after a few minutes she says that she wants children to live with her.  I don't know what that means.  Knowing her and her family, there is no doubt in my mind that she will be very difficult to deal with in future.

It is becoming clear that she wants to maximise her financial "gains" but at the same time is quite certain that courts always side with the mother.  I have told her that she can claim all the benefits regardless of the arrangement.

I'm going to give another chance to mediation in the next few weeks and see if we can come to some agreement.  If not, she can go to court and ask for status quo to be changed.

Never agree in mediation unless it's at least a good a deal as you'd get in court.  It's not true that they always side with the mother.  I don't want to speak to soon as I am waiting for final order in Jan but I am happy with the system so far.