Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Mediation Success!!
#1
Thumbs Up 
Hi Dads,

I come to you a happy (and slightly shocked) man, after yesterday's mediation turned out to be a bit of a result for all concerned.

We started the day off by taking our daughter to school together - which she (the little'un) absolutely loved - and it was also the first time we'd all been in the same car together since before Hallowe'en. I hadn't seen our daughter so excited to spend time with the two of us for ages, which made the whole experience enjoyable (if a tad bittersweet) for all three of us.

Our MIAM started at 10AM, so we decided to go in separate cars, just in case we ended up wanting to kill each other afterwards!

We arrived early, which gave us time to grab a coffee and have a bit of a catch up, see how each of us were feeling and break the ice a bit...she took my arm as we walked to the venue.

We had a quick five minutes with the mediator each prior to the MIAM, and we were asked if we wanted to go ahead with the mediation after twenty minutes together - which we both agreed to.

I'm not sure if it was down to the skill of the mediator, but things never devolved in to mudslinging, name calling, finger pointing or anything - we each had bullet points we wanted to cover, and everything got spoken about and sorted.

The only thing we couldn't agree initially was the day-to-day care of our daughter, as my ex wanted the flexibility and I just wanted as close to a 50/50 split as possible.

Turns out we both wanted more or less the same thing, we were just approaching it from slightly different angles (and the emotion was clouding our respective judgements), so the mediator helped us build on what we had both agreed already, which was alternate weekends.

So, what I've ended up with is as follows:

- 6 overnight stays out of every 14 (including Fri PM to Mon AM every other weekend)
- 1/2 of all school holidays
- £0.00 CMS to pay
- Joint account set up in our daughter's name that we each pay £30.00 into every month
- Freedom for overseas holidays
- Voice/Video calls to the other parent when daughter requests them


The ex has:

- 8 overnight stays out of every 14 (including Fri PM to Mon AM every other weekend)
- Plus all the above

We also granted the ex the flexibility she needs to arrange the overnight stays for both of us based on her own diary, which I am a tad gutted about (don't really want to be at her beck and call for the next 10+ years), but unfortunately she doesn't have a normal day job so there would be times where she would just not be able to pick our daughter up from school etc, if we had agreed set days. So it needed to be fair for her too.

Every other Sunday we have to touch base and arrange overnight stays for the coming 14 days.

But, overall, it was a really smooth process and we even managed to have a few laughs along the way.

(We also sorted out Christmas this year, which is a big plus - I'll update this thread: http://www.separateddads.co.uk/forum/thr...age-2.html)

We went for lunch and a bit of Christmas shopping together afterwards, and we had a big hug too.

I think we were just both so surprised with each other, and it's restored a bit of faith and trust in the both of us too. We kept saying over lunch how happy and shocked we both were, and we couldn't believe that we got through it together, given the circumstances.

I'm just hoping that she can stick to it, moving forward - I'm fully aware that there are other dads on this forum who mediated successfully a number of years ago, but now find their exes changing the goalposts.

But, for now, I'm happy - means we can start thinking about putting the house on the market and I can now concentrate on my own next move, got some house and flat viewings booked for the coming weeks, so that's all good.

Of course, the big hurdle that we both have is how to break the news to the little'un. Not looking forward to that one!

We're all putting the Christmas tree up together when I get back from work tomorrow, and gonna watch a Christmas film too. Proper family stuff.

On another note, an amicable 50/50 split on equity out of the house has been mentioned, so I'm hoping that if she can be grown up about care for our daughter, she'll also do the same financially.

Fingers crossed, and I'll keep y'all posted!
Reply
#2
Nice one mate. You sound really cheerful about the results of the mediation. Me and my ex are at a similar stage of working out a 50/50 split, which we're both keen to achieve. I was working out our own parenting plan, but it sounds like it would be worthwhile going to mediation, if it's pain free.

I wouldn't worry too much about your ex changing the goal posts later, it sounds like you have quite a friendly relationship and if you can maintain that there shouldn't be any reason for the agreement to change.

One sticking point for us is the potential for one of us to move away in the next 10+ years, which would make it difficult for the other parent to maintain their side of the 50%. Did you cover that in your agreement?
Reply
#3
Great news... splitting up means things change but if you can keep it above the threshold for the kid then that's a win.
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
Reply
#4
Nice one bro....I'm glad it all went well.
Reply
#5
(12-05-2017, 06:01 PM)nibbler Wrote: Nice one mate. You sound really cheerful about the results of the mediation. Me and my ex are at a similar stage of working out a 50/50 split, which we're both keen to achieve. I was working out our own parenting plan, but it sounds like it would be worthwhile going to mediation, if it's pain free.

I wouldn't worry too much about your ex changing the goal posts later, it sounds like you have quite a friendly relationship and if you can maintain that there shouldn't be any reason for the agreement to change.

One sticking point for us is the potential for one of us to move away in the next 10+ years, which would make it difficult for the other parent to maintain their side of the 50%. Did you cover that in your agreement?

Hey mate,

Yeah, well chuffed with the results, seeing as the only indication on the ex's plan I had going in to the session was once a week and every other weekend for me, so to come out with an agreed 50/50 is a total win.

I would definitely recommend mediation, if you can afford it - you have to do a MIAM first of all (which costs £95.00 each), and then you can agree to start a mediation session, which costs another £95.00 each, but so worth it if things are amicable between you and the ex.

We didn't actually cover the moving away situation though, I don't think it actually occurred to either of us.

I can't say what's going to happen in the future, but I know I'm going to be pushing for our daughter to stay at her current school until she's 11 (it's an infants and juniors), and my ex's parents all live within a 30 mile radius, so I can't see her wanting to move either. You never know though. I think the beauty of this being amicable (currently), is that we can open up those dialogues as necessary, or go back to mediation if we need to.

(12-05-2017, 06:16 PM)LTCDAD Wrote: Great news... splitting up means things change but if you can keep it above the threshold for the kid then that's a win.

Totally - I'm just so glad we were both on the same page. Big relief.

(12-06-2017, 07:21 AM)scottb Wrote: Nice one bro....I'm glad it all went well.

Thanks man!
Reply
#6
Regarding this bit
- 6 overnight stays out of every 14 (including Fri PM to Mon AM every other weekend)
- 1/2 of all school holidays
- £0.00 CMS to pay

it seems remarkably generous as she could claim something based on the CMS calculator e.g. £34 per week on a weekly salary of £500
Reply
#7
Thumbs Up 
Great to hear these kinds of results. Well done and hope it works out well for you
Reply
#8
(12-06-2017, 10:59 AM)watsa64 Wrote: Regarding this bit
- 6 overnight stays out of every 14 (including Fri PM to Mon AM every other weekend)
- 1/2 of all school holidays
- £0.00 CMS to pay

it seems remarkably generous as she could claim something based on the CMS calculator e.g. £34 per week on a weekly salary of £500

Yes, £0 CMS is a good agreement. It seems the CMS is based on some pretty outdated assumptions, like the father is the breadwinner and the mother is going to do the larger share of the care.

I'm going to go for £0 with my ex as we earn similar amounts (she actually earns more than me most years), she already has a house of her own and we're doing a 50/50 plan.
Reply
#9
Well done, i wish i could ever see my ex being even 20% as reasonable as yours seems to be.
Reply
#10
(12-06-2017, 10:59 AM)watsa64 Wrote: Regarding this bit
- 6 overnight stays out of every 14 (including Fri PM to Mon AM every other weekend)
- 1/2 of all school holidays
- £0.00 CMS to pay

it seems remarkably generous as she could claim something based on the CMS calculator e.g. £34 per week on a weekly salary of £500

I must admit, I was pretty shocked by this too...and she actually offered this part of the deal as well.

Although she did manage to get a small jibe in about me only wanting 50/50 care so I didn't have to pay the CMS.
Reply


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  Mediation (not much) Success jedinightnight 6 945 12-18-2017, 06:35 PM
Last Post: Petem



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)