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Always on my mind...
#1
Just a little something that I caught myself doing...

Being a father going a divorce is a bit like a rollercoaster. Some bits are up, some bits are down. And some parts quite frankly make me want to throw up.

Here's one of those.

I currently haven't seen my primary school aged-kids since the beginning of October, and have not heard a peep from them since the last week of that month. I've since had a barrage of abuse from their Mum, telling me just how much they hate me. She's already said they're not spending any time with me over Christmas.

The sole point of contact I have is through Facebook Messenger, which my two sons have access to. I send them a message every day, just to say hi, ask what they're doing or let them know that I love them.

Still no word. Someone is definitely looking at the messages, but who that is I don't know. I can see that they're also being viewed at times when the kids haven't got access to them - be it when they're at school or well past bedtime.

It's been really screwing me up, and my girlfriend tackled this last night. She pointed out that whilst the situation is beyond tragic, I'm feeding my negative emotions by focusing on something that I have no control over.

And she's right. I've become borderline obsessed with checking my phone to see if the kids might be online, or if their account had been accessed at an inappropriate time. And because I'm still not getting any replies it's just messing me up all the more.

So I'm trying a 9am/9pm system. I'm going to message the kids in the morning and then not check Messenger again until after they should be in bed, just to see if they've got it. I'll update this thread to say how it's going.

But the real point of what I'm saying? Don't let things that you can't change screw you up. And don't get so fixated on these things to such an extent that it affects the other, much happier parts of your life. Just like I did.

Your sanity is worth far more than that.
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#2
Sanity....what's that again lol. That sucks pete... just keep sending them and hope they see one of your messages and know you still love them and are fighting to see them.
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#3
(12-15-2017, 11:40 AM)Petem Wrote: Just a little something that I caught myself doing...

Being a father going a divorce is a bit like a rollercoaster. Some bits are up, some bits are down. And some parts quite frankly make me want to throw up.

Here's one of those.

I currently haven't seen my primary school aged-kids since the beginning of October, and have not heard a peep from them since the last week of that month. I've since had a barrage of abuse from their Mum, telling me just how much they hate me. She's already said they're not spending any time with me over Christmas.

The sole point of contact I have is through Facebook Messenger, which my two sons have access to. I send them a message every day, just to say hi, ask what they're doing or let them know that I love them.

Still no word. Someone is definitely looking at the messages, but who that is I don't know. I can see that they're also being viewed at times when the kids haven't got access to them - be it when they're at school or well past bedtime.

It's been really screwing me up, and my girlfriend tackled this last night. She pointed out that whilst the situation is beyond tragic, I'm feeding my negative emotions by focusing on something that I have no control over.

And she's right. I've become borderline obsessed with checking my phone to see if the kids might be online, or if their account had been accessed at an inappropriate time. And because I'm still not getting any replies it's just messing me up all the more.

So I'm trying a 9am/9pm system. I'm going to message the kids in the morning and then not check Messenger again until after they should be in bed, just to see if they've got it. I'll update this thread to say how it's going.

But the real point of what I'm saying? Don't let things that you can't change screw you up. And don't get so fixated on these things to such an extent that it affects the other, much happier parts of your life. Just like I did.

Your sanity is worth far more than that.

That must be really tough not seeing your kids since October, not surprising it's eating at you. Haven't read all your other posts but I guess you're in the process of securing better access? Your girlfriend is absolutely right that checking social media focuses your negative emotions and will screw you up over time. As you say, better to focus on the positives in life and the things you can influence.

Social media has a lot of positives, but can get really divisive in these situations. My separation seemed relatively positive until I spotted a WhatsApp message and discovered my ex had immediately started seeing a colleague after telling me there was no-one else. Since then I have been obsessively watching her 'last seen' time at night, knowing she's sexting her new man. It's self torture really because as you say, I have absolutely no control over the situation.
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#4
Same here nibbler....with the what's app thing...it's self torture for sure....don't know why I do it to myself only gets my blood pressure up. But I seen somthing on insta today which I liked ......"stop stressing over shitty people".....I liked that ☺
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#5
(12-15-2017, 01:53 PM)nibbler Wrote:
(12-15-2017, 11:40 AM)Petem Wrote: Just a little something that I caught myself doing...

Being a father going a divorce is a bit like a rollercoaster. Some bits are up, some bits are down. And some parts quite frankly make me want to throw up.

Here's one of those.

I currently haven't seen my primary school aged-kids since the beginning of October, and have not heard a peep from them since the last week of that month. I've since had a barrage of abuse from their Mum, telling me just how much they hate me. She's already said they're not spending any time with me over Christmas.

The sole point of contact I have is through Facebook Messenger, which my two sons have access to. I send them a message every day, just to say hi, ask what they're doing or let them know that I love them.

Still no word. Someone is definitely looking at the messages, but who that is I don't know. I can see that they're also being viewed at times when the kids haven't got access to them - be it when they're at school or well past bedtime.

It's been really screwing me up, and my girlfriend tackled this last night. She pointed out that whilst the situation is beyond tragic, I'm feeding my negative emotions by focusing on something that I have no control over.

And she's right. I've become borderline obsessed with checking my phone to see if the kids might be online, or if their account had been accessed at an inappropriate time. And because I'm still not getting any replies it's just messing me up all the more.

So I'm trying a 9am/9pm system. I'm going to message the kids in the morning and then not check Messenger again until after they should be in bed, just to see if they've got it. I'll update this thread to say how it's going.

But the real point of what I'm saying? Don't let things that you can't change screw you up. And don't get so fixated on these things to such an extent that it affects the other, much happier parts of your life. Just like I did.

Your sanity is worth far more than that.

That must be really tough not seeing your kids since October, not surprising it's eating at you. Haven't read all your other posts but I guess you're in the process of securing better access? Your girlfriend is absolutely right that checking social media focuses your negative emotions and will screw you up over time. As you say, better to focus on the positives in life and the things you can influence.

Social media has a lot of positives, but can get really divisive in these situations. My separation seemed relatively positive until I spotted a WhatsApp message and discovered my ex had immediately started seeing a colleague after telling me there was no-one else. Since then I have been obsessively watching her 'last seen' time at night, knowing she's sexting her new man. It's self torture really because as you say, I have absolutely no control over the situation.


In all honesty? What I would do? Block her on WhatsApp.

It just removes the stick that you keep hitting yourself with, and puts it out of harm's way. Then you can't give into the temptation to look and get stressed. I've blocked mine, and it's worth it just for the pure sensation of doing it. It's the best half a second of my life. After deleting all her family's contact details of course.

And if she needs to get hold of you, there's always text and phone. Give yourself a break.
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#6
It’s funny how we all do the same thing. I left my ex and so luckily when I stalked her profiles and found her with other men I was happy for her if only a little jealous, but seeing pictures of my babies going on holiday without me and having fun destroys me. It doesn’t stop me looking though!
I feel for you though being told they hate you, that’s harsh and it wont be true. I don’t know why you havnt seen them in so long but it sounds like you need to go to court!
Good luck.
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#7
Feel for you Ive not seen my 2 year old daughter since mid Oct and its horrible she my only child and I cant believe Im missing out on her growing up, I find my self dreaming about her every other day. I suppose we have to remain patient and wait for our chance to show them that we care.
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#8
(12-16-2017, 03:24 PM)Peggy9 Wrote: It’s funny how we all do the same thing. I left my ex and so luckily when I stalked her profiles and found her with other men I was happy for her if only a little jealous, but seeing pictures of my babies going on holiday without me and having fun destroys me. It doesn’t stop me looking though!
I feel for you though being told they hate you, that’s harsh and it wont be true. I don’t know why you havnt seen them in so long but it sounds like you need to go to court!
Good luck.

Thanks to you all - your support means an awful lot.

If I wasn't seeing the kids for a legitimate reason then that'd be fair enough - If I was abusive, violent or a risk to them then it'd be understandable. Hell, even I would get that!

But instead they're being used as pawns in our divorce. My ex wants a certain amount of money from the sale of our house (all of it), and is using the kids as a pressure point. I already knew that she was poisoning them from things they'd quite innocently say whilst I still had contact. But that's since been ramped up and she's hoping I'll buckle to her demands.

It's essentially blackmail.
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#9
(12-16-2017, 05:00 PM)seperatedfather87 Wrote: Feel for you Ive not seen my 2 year old daughter since mid Oct and its horrible she my only child and I cant believe Im missing out on her growing up, I find my self dreaming about her every other day. I suppose we have to remain patient and wait for our chance to show them that we care.

That's really tough too. Us with this really young ones (my only daughter is 4) are really in it for the long run now. One thing I've learnt from this forum is that you have to see through all the current sh1te going on, and picture a better future for yourself, your kid and even for your ex - where you're all happy and work towards that. I'm in the process of doing this and trying to stop the feeling of jealousy, anger etc getting in the way.

Now I got to block to do on WhatsApp. :-)

(12-16-2017, 09:42 PM)Petem Wrote:
(12-16-2017, 03:24 PM)Peggy9 Wrote: It’s funny how we all do the same thing. I left my ex and so luckily when I stalked her profiles and found her with other men I was happy for her if only a little jealous, but seeing pictures of my babies going on holiday without me and having fun destroys me. It doesn’t stop me looking though!
I feel for you though being told they hate you, that’s harsh and it wont be true. I don’t know why you havnt seen them in so long but it sounds like you need to go to court!
Good luck.

Thanks to you all - your support means an awful lot.

If I wasn't seeing the kids for a legitimate reason then that'd be fair enough - If I was abusive, violent or a risk to them then it'd be understandable. Hell, even I would get that!

But instead they're being used as pawns in our divorce. My ex wants a certain amount of money from the sale of our house (all of it), and is using the kids as a pressure point. I already knew that she was poisoning them from things they'd quite innocently say whilst I still had contact. But that's since been ramped up and she's hoping I'll buckle to her demands.

It's essentially blackmail.

That's hard, money and kids is a potent mix. Must be difficult when relations have deteriorated so much. As much as you can don't stoop to her level instead take the high road in any contact and try not to use the kids in the same way she is. Is there anyway to calm the situation through mediation?

Me and my ex have agreed to no messages through our daughter and no questions to her about each other. I thank my lucky stars every day that we still get on relatively well, despite knowing that she's lying to me.
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#10
Whilst not trying to become overly philosophical, I think it's important to stay true to yourself when faced with situations like this.

Sure we all have a wobble from time to time, but generally I try and behave in a way that I can look my child in the eye if needs be.

Most of us get diluted during marriage - certainly I did in my bad one. I compromised or relented on issues where really I shouldn't have.

I genuinely lost myself. But now I've found him again, I refuse to give him up so easily.
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