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Soon to be separated...
#11
The decision is not just her's. You have to decide if the relationship as it stands is acceptable to you. Personally I think if you stay together, you're setting yourself up for years of resentment and paranoia. You will end up spending all your time checking up on her.
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#12
(01-01-2018, 04:07 PM)watsa64 Wrote: The decision  is not just her's. You have to decide if the relationship as it stands is  acceptable to you. Personally I think if you stay together, you're setting yourself up for years of resentment and paranoia. You will end up  spending all your time checking  up on her.

Kind of feeling that way myself as its not acceptable to me, the separation is the correct course but the pain its going to cause my kids is this thought that is killing me.  My wife has become a truly selfish individual and she is oblivious to her flaws and I dont see her changing. I said lastnight I am not waiting a month for a decision as my head is bursting.
As of today going for the '180' approach as hard as I will find it to do, in a way I am glad I will be back working shortly to free my mind from relationship worry 24/7.
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#13
(01-02-2018, 05:31 AM)sad al Wrote: Kind of feeling that way myself as its not acceptable to me, the separation is the correct course but the pain its going to cause my kids is this thought that is killing me.  My wife has become a truly selfish individual and she is oblivious to her flaws and I dont see her changing. I said lastnight I am not waiting a month for a decision as my head is bursting.
As of today going for the '180' approach as hard as I will find it to do, in a way I am glad I will be back working shortly to free my mind from relationship worry 24/7.

Your story sounds so similar to mine. My partner started a new job about two years ago, and then six months ago told me she didn't have feelings for me anymore and wanted to split up. She seemed so determined, things just didn't add up for me. I later discovered she was messaging one her male colleagues and immediately started a secret relationship with him once we had separated. I couldn't believe someone who I had loved for 8 years and had a 4 yro daughter with, could do that. I was broken for months.

So I would suspect that your suspicion of her messaging is probably correct. BUT as others have said I would keep this to yourself. I made the mistake of snooping and this only served to make me feel worse and to destroy what little trust was left between us. Better to use this information to show yourself that you can no longer fully trust this person and need to emotionally distance yourself from her, at least until she can prove to you that you can trust her again.
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#14
Thanks Nibbler for the advice, I suspect she was just messaging but if the it was the other way around she would go mental.
I seem to be at the grieving stage where if I think about the situation I get down/upset but trying to grab the bull by the horns and have emailed a female family law solictior to have an initial chat and contacted a rental company to view a flat just to get an idea what I would be staying in for 6 months should the trial separation proceed.
Part of me wants the trial separation to get her to open her eyes what a good team we were and realise all that I bring to the relationship but on the other hand the thought of telling my kids is killing me.

Where are you on your journey now?
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#15
(01-02-2018, 09:56 AM)sad al Wrote: Thanks Nibbler for the advice, I suspect she was just messaging but if the it was the other way around she would go mental.
I seem to be at the grieving stage where if I think about the situation I get down/upset but trying to grab the bull by the horns and have emailed a female family law solictior to have an initial chat and contacted a rental company to view a flat just to get an idea what I would be staying in for 6 months should the trial separation proceed.
Part of me wants the trial separation to get her to open her eyes what a good team we were and realise all that I bring to the relationship but on the other hand the thought of telling my kids is killing me.

Where are you on your journey now?

We've had several months of living separately in two homes now, with an agreement to co-parenting our daughter with 8 days out of 14 for her and 6 days for me. Seems to be working so far. My daughter is getting her little head around mummy and daddy not living in the same house and having two homes. It helped her when I bought a story book called 'Living with Mum and Living with Dad: My Two Homes', to read to her at night - would recommend it.

Since separating we seem to get on better and spent time over Christmas together again as a 'family', and now I can look at photos of us all or my daughter on my phone without going to pieces, which is a step forward. So after the initial shock, it does get better. There are still challenges ahead, with another house move and school change, but kids are resilient and she knows we both love her to bits.

If you make a parenting plan that you can both agree it really helps relieve the tension and uncertainty, I found and you'll realise that life can carry on and you'll still see her regularly, if not every night.
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#16
Right guys, need advice. I get her mobile phone bill sent to me and have done for last 12 years or so as she doesnt like paperwork!
Anyway it seems 'other guy' has been getting called and txt regularly, now this has made my mind up that staying together is bad and forget the trial separation.
I want her to sit down and tell me honestly what the heck she has been upto for the last 6 weeks, she even called him tonight just as I went out to tennis.......now there maybe an amazing coincidence that this guy is the best listener ever but she has never even mentioned his name so suspect the worse.
All bets are off regarding me moving out when this comes to a decision I will be asking her to go shack up with her new friend.
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#17
Personally I would avoid a confrontation like that, I've been there and it doesn't work out for the benefit of anyone. If you feel your trust in her has broken down then that is enough for you to make a decision and there is no need to confront her.

Put your kids first now and judge any actions based on how it will affect them. The better you can maintain a friendly relationship with their mother the better it will be for them.
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#18
Good decision in not moving out.

You probably won't get the truth out of her if you do confront her but the fact that she is secretly contacting this person speaks volumes.
You do need to speak to a solicitor as soon as possible.
You don't have to be friendly with her , just unemotional and businesslike.

Practically you need to keep an eye on joint accounts and credit cards.
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#19
I would challenge her, i was paying for my exes mobile and she would hide the phone from me.
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#20
Well that’s it, trial separation to start soon and until then sofa bed....life sucks!
Plus side is there is no affair as such.
She has been talked into staying at her parents so I get house ?
Now 3 months of trial and then let’s see what happens
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