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Soon to be separated...
#1
Question 
Well never thought I would be on a forum on this subject but here we are. First post be understanding guys!

Married: 17 years
Together: 22 years
my age: low 40's
Two kids: 10, 13

So I am looking for advice how to prepare for the path ahead, my wife openly says we dont connect anymore. She recently said she doesnt fancy me and my personality is too quiet for her....
I am a loving husband and would do anything to stay together but to be honest after the sentence above I am like...whatever.
My wife has recently changed career from part-time admin to f/t paramedic and has always valued her friends more than me in my opinion. 6 out of her 7 closest friends have split from their partners.

We have tried counciling 2 years ago and got a few things out in the open but she just dredges them up again.

None of us has cheated(to my knowledge) and I we can do an amicable split for sake of kids.

I am still at home and we share the same bed, general chit chat about our days and kids nothing more.
At the time of writing we have agreed to put discussions on hold until xmas/new year over for kids sake.

We have a joint-mortgaged home
2 cars both in my name
I earn about 50k and she is 20k

So thats a rough background, love each other but not in love was her phrase.

Initially I am planning to rent somewhere for 6 months until she can work out if she can buy the family home with help of her dad.
I am hoping before January to have drafted up a non-legal Separation Agreement to cover the 6 month period.
Other issue she is on relief shifts so no set pattern, I dont want to be a mug and jump to help her with childcare as I feel she should adjust to single life and if she works get her family to help out. Otherwise I end up in every weekend with kids when she works and when she is off work she will want to go out.
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#2
sorry to hear what's going on bro. I also heard that line....the love one ...it sucks. Have you had any legal advice??? You should just so you know where you stand. And don't move out until the agreement is signed. Not sure if moving out is a good idea. Why do that...was it your idea or hers. best stay sort everything out then move on....
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#3
As scottb said - do NOT move out of the house.
Based on your salaries - you would be paying the mortgage and your rent.

Avoid confrontation so you can't give her an excuse to get you out of the house.
See a solicitor
Personally I would take a bit of control by petitioning for divorce.
Your two goals should be - custody of the kids and then finances - you need to be able to house them adequately when you have them.
.
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#4
Thanks scottb/watsa64
Been a tough few days over xmas but she has been working most the time and I have been with the kids which I have been making the most of.

Originally I was thinking I could move out but in light of this new information I am going to fight to stay in this property and she can go shack up with her toyboy. Once solicitors are open in January I plan to get an appointment asap.

Will fill you guys in tomorrow....if there is anything you think I should/shouldnt say tonight advice well received....thanks
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#5
I wouldn't mention the other man, just to see how truthful she is.
As above remain calm (however hard it becomes).
I would be filling the divorce petition in now. Use unreasonable behaviour.
Good that you're not moving out. If she brings it up ask her to move out.
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#6
To be honest you need something more than phone calls to establish any shenanigans. This person may just be a friend at this moment in time.

Best not to mention these phone calls you know about or she will accuse you of snooping which may well come under coercive and controlling behaviour these days which is not good for you. Never give them ammunition.

If anything is going on it will all come out eventually.
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#7
Thanks for the advice guys, I agree without any concrete evidence then it maybe nothing but not dismissing the possibility completely.
So we talked tonight and she wants a trial separation for 6 months with her staying in the house, I said I now want to stay in the house based on advice above so how does this get resolved?
Her reasons for trial separation is so she has her own space and to see if she misses me, at the end of the 6 months if she cannot afford the house then it goes up for sale.

So where do I start with setting up a Trial Separation? Anyone got a sample agreement I could use as guide?
I said to her that we would need a written agreement which we would both need to sign

Personally I am thinking once we are apart its over and now as I am typing I am thinking whats the point.
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#8
The advice is the same - do not move out. If she wants her own space, then she can move out.
If she moved a new man in in a month's time you couldn't do a thing about it.


The type of written agreement you mention won't be legally binding.
The proper way to do it is via a divorce. Take control, speak to a solicitor and file for divorce.

As with myself and most of the men on here, the woman is usually well ahead of you in this process.
Cohabiting in this situation will be very difficult but if you keep calm and avoid confrontation it usually pays off.

As hard as it seems you need to stop viewing her as your wife and more as an untrustworthy business partner you're trying to deal with.
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#9
So the saga continues....

Wife now wants time to think about the separation, in the last few days her father has had some frank discussions, I have showed her some numbers such as putting her salary into the nationwide mortgage calculator and I think some harsh reality of what the future may hold has hit home.
We have been talking some more and rightly/wrongly had closeness(if u know what i mean) the other morning.
I want to try for sake of my kids and marriage as I still love her but the ball is in her court. I have asked her to think about if she feels as though we could get the spark back with commitment from both parties.....she has asked for January at a maximum to sort her head out which I agreed.....although it will consume my thoughts daily I think its worth it for a last chance.
Plan to throw myself into gym, work and kids to keep busy during this time and what will be will be
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#10
All the best with that mate. I really hope things work out for you. Use the time for your own reality check. Consider all options and be honest with yourself about your feelings. Emerge stronger and you'll be better prepared for whatever outcome.
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