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Advice Needed Please
#11
This is a tough one - it could open up all sorts of cans of worms.

As the School have dismissed this out of turn it could be seen as their failing to act on a potential safeguarding issue, I personally would mention it, if you feel there is a risk that your child could be in danger of further issues.

You can always call the NSPCC if you wish to discuss it with someone completely independent.
The opinions here are not that of Separated Dads, but merely a loving father who has been through the process and has come out the other side.
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#12
This is when it gets nasty. Son's Mother has tried various tactics as well and one is to alienate son. But another tactic (whether conscious or not) is to take it out on the child for showing loyalty to Dad which has a double thing - punishes the child and makes them anxious about being rejected by the Mother so they are more likely to carry out her alienation and do/say what the Mother wants. They get punished for being loyal. I read somewhere that if a parent is capable of severe alienation (psychological and emotional abuse) there is likely to also be a degree of neglect or physical abuse as well.

What to do. Could you go to school with daughter so she has back up? And her tell the school again? Or alternatively email the school (it's in writing then). Saying your daughter has told you she has informed the school her Mother threw her against a door and you are concerned that the school has not looked into this or contacted social services.

If it's in writing they will have to respond or look into it. I think if school report it to social services it holds a lot more weight than if you contacted social services as sadly they often put such info down to parents arguing or trying to accuse each other.

It's easy to email school - ring the secretary and ask for Headteacher's email address. You may get given a generic school email address so mark email for attention of Headteacher.
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#13
(01-10-2018, 12:01 PM)Charlie7000 Wrote: This is when it gets nasty.  Son's Mother has tried various tactics as well and one is to alienate son.  But another tactic (whether conscious or not) is to take it out on the child for showing loyalty to Dad which has a double thing - punishes the child and makes them anxious about being rejected by the Mother so they are more likely to carry out her alienation and do/say what the Mother wants.  They get punished for being loyal.  I read somewhere that if a parent is capable of severe alienation (psychological and emotional abuse) there is likely to also be a degree of neglect or physical abuse as well.

What to do.  Could you go to school with daughter so she has back up?  And her tell the school again?  Or alternatively email the school (it's in writing then).  Saying your daughter has told you she has informed the school her Mother threw her against a door and you are concerned that the school has not looked into this or contacted social services.

If it's in writing they will have to respond or look into it.  I think if school report it to social services it holds a lot more weight than if you contacted social services as sadly they often put such info down to parents arguing or trying to accuse each other.

It's easy to email school - ring the secretary and ask for Headteacher's email address.   You may get given a generic school email address so mark email for attention of Headteacher.

Heres the issue...

Look up Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder... this is my ex.... Deflects, Blames me, Makes things up. I already know shes told the school im violent etc etc.. this is simply not the case and even in court she was told to stop making unfounded allegations.  Where as here is the clincher..... talking to CAFCASS she said she was agressive towards me shouting and being abusive daily. (to which i had to leave... couldnt deal with it) and she has been violent towards me. BUT as the system is geared towards women, they over look the fact the DV was the other way around. 

We seperated in 2010.... The last time i saw her in person was 2 years ago in court, before that was 2 years prior in court.... she continues to tell people how im causing her all these problems etc etc because of my behavior.... i dont talk to her, i have no need currently, i talk to my daughter via a phone i pay for. the only reason we need to talk is to arrange summer and xmas. To top it off i live 140 miles away so how am i affecting her from here? ive been married nearly 4 years with my wife? how am i doing these things?

She got an obsession... has to try and cause me drama, make things up. currently ive got my MP involved over maintenance because despite having a court order they are believeing her when she says "he doesnt see her" so the variation i put in for 6000miles of travel a year for access has been rejected on her say so.....

Absolutely horrific times.....


school believes her BS so all i get is emails, and the Head wont talk to me because of "her" description of me.

How do i break that cycle.... they wont see evidence but believe a lunatic! 

My next step is a solicitors letter to get them to disregard the BS that theyve been fed! Angry
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#14
Yes - get a Solicitor's letter sent to the school. Confirming that you have equal parental responsibility with daughter's Mother. That you made a court application to arrange matters for daughter and the court dismissed all allegations against you and found no welfare issues for daughter with you. That the current situation is there is a court order for daughter to spend x days with you a week/month (whatever). That as a parent with parental responsibility you wish to be kept informed of daughter's progress at school with separate copies of reports, school newsletters and letters to parents sent to you (via email if possible), and to be kept informed of all school events. That you have concerns that daughter recently disclosed to you that her Mother had thrown her against a door and that daughter had shared this information with the school, and please could they confirm this information was shared, and that the information has been kept on file. That you wish to know if any action is to be pursued. To please contact them if they need any further information.

That should do it!
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#15
You cannot control the way other people speak about you... only the way you act and behave.
We all subject those lies and 'gas lighting'... have you noticed the friends that you ex partner lost during your break up? Those are the ones who would not believe her lies ... they get dropped quickly and they surround themselves with those people who support their story

You can try and firefight it... but too much effort and a new fire starts before the old one is out... ignore it... hold your head up high .. only your kids will judge you ... no other opinion matters

As for school... irrelevant what the head thinks about you... she has a legal duty to inform all people with parental responsibility about you kids education ... if not raise a complaint with the LEA. She doesn't have to speak with you, i had the same ... headmaster hiding being his busy schedule... so i went above him... he can't do enough for me now!

Stay calm.. ask for meeting... explain what you want to happen and don't mention your ex... people generally do not want to get involved in a slanging match (but they do love listening to gossip... makes them feel better about their own lives!)

Solicitor letter will do nothing (in how they deal with the BS... it may remind them of their responsibility to inform but they will hate you more so go to LEA to raise a complaint and save yourself the fees)... she slandering you and you can't control what she says or who believes it ... it will consume you if you try to stop it... stop reacting and smile... that will get to her

PS same rules for you as if it was a woman speaking on these forums ... i.e. your 'diagnosis' of her personality is equal to her slagging you off (unless you are a qualified psychiatrist) and if she is domestically violent towards you ... go to police (which you should have done 10 years ago)

No doubt it has been horrific but you need to find some peace in yourself and stop letting these things get to your core... she is who she is... and that is why you left... focus on your daughters
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#16
That's a good tip going over the Head to the LEA.
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#17
(01-10-2018, 04:29 PM)Charlie7000 Wrote: That's a good tip going over the Head to the LEA.

Interestingly - School OFSTED has just come back as requires improvement..... Backs up my feelings on the place!
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#18
With regard to books, there is a list on this site. If it's for dealing with court matters, this one is often recommended

"Family Court without a Lawyer" by Lucy Reed.

We have this book also - recently published. There is a very good chapter on the legal process, how to prepare and good explanations of various things that help you understand and prepare. Although the book is mainly about parental alienation, the chapter on court is good.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Understanding-P...alienation
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