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Evening (Newbie Here)
#21
(04-27-2018, 08:13 AM)Naive Wrote:
(04-26-2018, 10:06 AM)Tom_W88 Wrote:
(04-26-2018, 09:37 AM)Naive Wrote:
(04-26-2018, 09:09 AM)Tom_W88 Wrote:
(04-26-2018, 09:02 AM)Naive Wrote: Ill never understand that over my life I have fallen out of love with some great women but been distraught at losing some pretty nasty ones.
Why, for the love of God would it not be the other way around. Could it be that we want what we cant have, illusive and alluf. One values things you work harder for, I reckon if you could get a handle on that the world is your oyster. I envy narcissists sometimes, to be so self assured, so black and white, but mostly to just turn it all off whenever you want.

Defies all logic really, what physical reason could there be to just decide you dont love someone. Im sure our resident Buddhists will shed some light.

Tom, youre doing all the right things. I get the family thing though, my family want nothing to do with her, makes it very difficult.
My solicitor suggested handovers at the local supermarket, in front of the customer service desk where they have CCTV and lots of witnesses.

Hi mate, 

Is that something you did? with a local supermarket?

I tried everything in my power to make my relationship work with her when together.

No I didnt in the end, she wanted to do it at her sisters, its an intimidation thing and to be honest that would have been for my ex and I benefit, not my daughters so I didnt push it. But got it registered that I made suggestions. Its only 8ft from the pavement to her sisters front door, yet ex and her sister insist on coming out and standing over me when I hug daughter, snatch her away, jump in through the back window as I am about to drive off. etc etc.

We all did what we could to save our families but I personally believe that was my mistake. I compromised on things that I knew in my heart would end the relationship but my only other choice was to leave. I left in the end but not before I sacrificed my dignity and she lost all respect for me. Boundaries mate, theyre fucking important!!! what you will accept, and what you wont. If she pulled that crap in the first year Id have dumped her ass, but they grind you down.

Its time to stand tall buddy, fuck her, be the best person you can be, best dad you can be. Karma will get her one day.

I am a big believer in Karma and looking forward to her down fall.

That's horrible how they do that, I always hear her saying to the kids, "ohh mummy's missed you, you have a good time", and be over loving kissing them etc, she never did that when together with the kids and when we have the kids you don't hear a peep from her.

(04-26-2018, 09:59 AM)Jim Wrote:
(04-26-2018, 07:58 AM)Tom_W88 Wrote:






And yes your right about the sleeping around thing, I'm not ready for another female in my life, and I feel great in the moment but straight away after it returns to regret and thinking about her.

Yes - spot on. I have been separated from mine for 6 months and the other day it seemed to me that virtually everything I have done or thought since has been a kind of grasping at straws. It's all grasping at straws. If it's true - and I don't know if it is -  maybe it better to know it than not.

Yeah i agree, all we do is compare everything to the ex and it isn't healthy one bit.

(04-27-2018, 07:59 AM)Tom_W88 Wrote:
(04-26-2018, 09:55 PM)Tamagoto Wrote: I suppose I must be one of the resident Buddhists Smile

So wider things - men who express disinterest as you say, are really just not over investing. They don’t appear too eager, like they have less, maybe nothing to lose. In a word confident. It’s not about being an asshole but about knowing what you want and not faking it, as in pretending to be something you’re not, to get relationships.

Always treat people with dignity and respect but ask yourself if you may in fact also appear needy.

Read this. Spells it out much better than me. Check out Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Models-Attract-.../ref=nodl_

@Tom - this sounds like you’re having a real shitty time man. I feel for you. I’ve been on the phone to the Samaritans before crying my eyes out.

Please, take the advice given. See your gp. Get a therapist. Get off the booze. Please.

Stop giving this woman power over you. She’s making you ill. Step back, detach. I can see you don’t want to but I think you have to. You can’t control her. Report anything dangerous to the kids, any time you see it. But the reality is you can’t do anything about her parenting. She might just be shit at it.

You don’t have to be. You’re here right?

You want to be the best father you can right?

Well do that shit now. Be the best possible damned father whatever their mother does. Get as much contact with them as possible. Get a court order. Be a great dad. The one they look forward to seeing. Look at yourself honestly and change everything you need to.

I’ve been there. Most of us here have. It gets better I promise. It’s going to be ok.

Hi buddy thank you for the kind words.

I am literally trying to make my life as healthy and around the kids as much as possible.  

Plans are in motion for my future, last two nights I have been on the phone with a place called the Sanctuary here in Manchester.

They are taking me in tonight so I can talk to someone face to face so hoping this helps.

The ex text me yesterday about the kids for the weekend, my body just seized up and havent replied back

I know it might be hard to think about, but make sure you get records of everything you're doing to help yourself. You may never need it but if you do you will thank your lucky stars you did.
I completely get the seizing up. But you absolutely have to force yourself to reply. Make sure you snap up every moment/opportunity you can to have the kids....... and keep the evidence.

Oh I do and I will moving forward.  

Not been a weekend since the split that I haven't had the kids for at least 1 night.  If I drove (beginning to learn now) I would have them during the week.
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#22
Tomogato - excellent book thanks!

"So wider things - men who express disinterest as you say, are really just not over investing. They don’t appear too eager, like they have less, maybe nothing to lose. In a word confident. It’s not about being an asshole but about knowing what you want and not faking it, as in pretending to be something you’re not, to get relationships.

Always treat people with dignity and respect but ask yourself if you may in fact also appear needy.

Read this. Spells it out much better than me. Check out Models: Attract Women Through Honesty by Mark Manson
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Models-Attract-.../ref=nodl_"

I'm going to put my online and real life dating on hold for a weekend while I do some evaluation of myself. I generally do well with the dating because I'm not needy, but with the girl I've fallen for I'm like a needy little wimp around her and she's bypassing me so I'm going to invest some time in doing the reading up....
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#23
Book summary of the above: https://agileleanlife.com/models-attract...h-honesty/

Absolutely fascinating stuff. I don't know if it's right/true but it's certainly worth thinking about.
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#24
(04-29-2018, 09:07 AM)Jim Wrote: Book summary of the above: https://agileleanlife.com/models-attract...h-honesty/

Absolutely fascinating stuff. I don't know if it's right/true but it's certainly worth thinking about.

I got it yesterday and its a good book, not only for looking for dates but also if you are currently dating, it explains the problems of being needy, narcissistic, and the non-needy (or confident) approach works best, some great examples, and the key so far is about honesty, vulnerability and having an approach that meets both needs, a good book.
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#25
I am getting some practice in chatting to potential dates online but still get tongue-tied. Figuratively speaking I make an approach, get some attention with a good opening and then dry up without a clue what to say next. Hopeless.
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#26
(04-30-2018, 09:11 PM)Jim Wrote: I am getting some practice in chatting to potential dates online but still get tongue-tied. Figuratively speaking I make an approach, get some attention with a good opening and then dry up without a clue what to say next. Hopeless.

same here.
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