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Violent wife with suspected BPD...please help
#11
I see. Thanks. I'm starting to understand better now. What factors determine overnight stay? Will the fact he is still rather young give me a smaller chance of winning over night stay?

She will use breastfeeding as an excuse. But I've gone to the extremes of videoing myself giving him a bottle at night to prove he isn't dependant on it.

Lastly what type of interim contact should I expect or ask for? 100% she will prevent me from seeing him so I'm trying to pre-empt that by planning to offer to have contact in a contact centre.
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#12
(07-13-2016, 09:50 PM)nilbo Wrote: I see. Thanks. I'm starting to understand better now. What factors determine overnight stay? Will the fact he is still rather young give me a smaller chance of winning over night stay?

She will use breastfeeding as an excuse. But I've gone to the extremes of videoing myself giving him a bottle at night to prove he isn't dependant on it.

Lastly what type of interim contact should I expect or ask for? 100% she will prevent me from seeing him so I'm trying to pre-empt that by planning to offer to have contact in a contact centre.

Contact centres are only used if there is a Cafcass Officer or Social Services in place already, and they recommend it. Often ex partners say they will only allow contact at them, but this is a decision only a Court (or Cafcass/Social Services when both sides agree) can make, and they will only do so if evidence exists to say there is Child Welfare/Protection issues, or there is any form of assessments/investigation currently ongoing.

Staying contact is normal from 2 years old. For this to happen the law says that you need to provide a separate bed for the child (can be even air bed or fold up etc), but it can be in the same room as a parent of the same sex, or if the child is under 10. It can also be in a living room. You need cooking, washing and toilet facility's and living/playing space.

Often ex partners will try to introduce overcrowding as a way to stop it as well, but Section 329 of The Housing Act 1985 has provision when considering overcrowding, for you not to count "Short Term Visiting Relatives". There is a big difference between what a Resident and none Resident needs to have, following the changes to Housing Benefit (rooms you can claim for) and the introduction of Bedroom Tax, making it that you can no longer claim benefit or get Social Housing for a Bedroom just used for contact.

Under 2 is typically 4-6 hours a week as a minimum, what could be over 1 -3 days.

What normally happens when someone asks, is the Judge will ask the other side what reasons does she have for you not to see the child.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#13
Just thought I'd give an update. Traveled back to home on Thursday as usual to find wife and son not there. to be honest i was kind of relieved. I messaged her asking if she would be letting me see our son. She avoided the question and just stated that she was now living at her parents.

Saturday Morning i received a messages asking if i wanted to have a civilized conversation about the marriage and our son. i replied saying sure. 3/4 hours later she arrived at the house un-announced. i was to scared to let her in so i pretended to not be at home. I know that sounds bad but i know how it would have panned out. I would have told her that i want to see our son without her presence and that i no longer want to be with her and then the shouting and violence would have started till i backed down. She left after about 20 mins. she sent a couple of messages saying i didn't want to see our son and why, that he wasn't settling into the cot at her parents house etc. I didn't reply as i knew she was trying to bait me. I replied a few hours later saying that i wasn't at home and that she shouldn't turn up un-annouced and that i was happy to talk over email.

Sunday during the day she tried to come back to the house again. I stayed at my parents house as i didn't feel safe. she must have got angry and started messaging saying she will be coming with the police to get access. i pointed out she left at her own choice and that i would speak to my solicitor in regards to the situation about the house. she asked if i was going through courts and filing for divorce to which i replied yes. she turned spiteful and said i would never be allowed to see my son until the court dates.

I arrived back home later Sunday night to find a new fresh dent in the rear bumper. She clearly had rammed my car (not the first time). I've spoken with the solicitor who said to report it and that she will get the papers ready to file for residency and occupancy and a non-molestation order.

i know this sounds like I'm being a coward but i'm terrified how she is going to react when she see's that i am applying for residency. Almost to the point that it's making me think if i am doing the right thing. I know 100% our son will have a better life with me but i also know due to how my wife operates that she will do something stupid. That something i just don't know what extent she will go to.

Anyone else been in the same situation?
Does anyone have similar experience about applying for residency? if i fail in the residency order does this mean i will be frowned upon by the courts? will i have to apply for a contact order separately if i fail? will it reduce my chances or being successful if o have to go down contact order route.

I am just trying to put our son first but i know it will severely burn bridges with my ex wife (feels strange typing that) to the point where she will try even harder to stop me from seeing my son. Alternatively she may back track and want to be amicable. how will it work is she turns around and says you can see our son 50% of the time?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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#14
(07-18-2016, 04:03 PM)nilbo Wrote: Just thought I'd give an update. Traveled back to home on Thursday as usual to find wife and son not there. to be honest i was kind of relieved. I messaged her asking if she would be letting me see our son. She avoided the question and just stated that she was now living at her parents.

Saturday Morning i received a messages asking if i wanted to have a civilized conversation about the marriage and our son. i replied saying sure. 3/4 hours later she arrived at the house un-announced. i was to scared to let her in so i pretended to not be at home. I know that sounds bad but i know how it would have panned out. I would have told her that i want to see our son without her presence and that i no longer want to be with her and then the shouting and violence would have started till i backed down. She left after about 20 mins. she sent a couple of messages saying i didn't want to see our son and why, that he wasn't settling into the cot at her parents house etc. I didn't reply as i knew she was trying to bait me. I replied a few hours later saying that i wasn't at home and that she shouldn't turn up un-annouced and that i was happy to talk over email.

Sunday during the day she tried to come back to the house again. I stayed at my parents house as i didn't feel safe. she must have got angry and started messaging saying she will be coming with the police to get access. i pointed out she left at her own choice and that i would speak to my solicitor in regards to the situation about the house. she asked if i was going through courts and filing for divorce to which i replied yes. she turned spiteful and said i would never be allowed to see my son until the court dates.

I arrived back home later Sunday night to find a new fresh dent in the rear bumper. She clearly had rammed my car (not the first time). I've spoken with the solicitor who said to report it and that she will get the papers ready to file for residency and occupancy and a non-molestation order.

i know this sounds like I'm being a coward but i'm terrified how she is going to react when she see's that i am applying for residency. Almost to the point that it's making me think if i am doing the right thing. I know 100% our son will have a better life with me but i also know due to how my wife operates that she will do something stupid. That something i just don't know what extent she will go to.

Anyone else been in the same situation?
Does anyone have similar experience about applying for residency? if i fail in the residency order does this mean i will be frowned upon by the courts? will i have to apply for a contact order separately if i fail? will it reduce my chances or being successful if o have to go down contact order route.

I am just trying to put our son first but i know it will severely burn bridges with my ex wife (feels strange typing that) to the point where she will try even harder to stop me from seeing my son. Alternatively she may back track and want to be amicable. how will it work is she turns around and says you can see our son 50% of the time?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.


In your case, I am sure Cafcass will be put in, so it will not be any deal between you both, they will have to agree.

You need to ask at first hearing for an interim order for contact (unless Cafcass advise to ask for Interim Residency) and be gilded by what Cafcass are saying in their position.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#15
(07-18-2016, 09:36 PM)MarkR Wrote:
(07-18-2016, 04:03 PM)nilbo Wrote: Just thought I'd give an update. Traveled back to home on Thursday as usual to find wife and son not there. to be honest i was kind of relieved. I messaged her asking if she would be letting me see our son. She avoided the question and just stated that she was now living at her parents.

Saturday Morning i received a messages asking if i wanted to have a civilized conversation about the marriage and our son. i replied saying sure. 3/4 hours later she arrived at the house un-announced. i was to scared to let her in so i pretended to not be at home. I know that sounds bad but i know how it would have panned out. I would have told her that i want to see our son without her presence and that i no longer want to be with her and then the shouting and violence would have started till i backed down. She left after about 20 mins. she sent a couple of messages saying i didn't want to see our son and why, that he wasn't settling into the cot at her parents house etc. I didn't reply as i knew she was trying to bait me. I replied a few hours later saying that i wasn't at home and that she shouldn't turn up un-annouced and that i was happy to talk over email.

Sunday during the day she tried to come back to the house again. I stayed at my parents house as i didn't feel safe. she must have got angry and started messaging saying she will be coming with the police to get access. i pointed out she left at her own choice and that i would speak to my solicitor in regards to the situation about the house. she asked if i was going through courts and filing for divorce to which i replied yes. she turned spiteful and said i would never be allowed to see my son until the court dates.

I arrived back home later Sunday night to find a new fresh dent in the rear bumper. She clearly had rammed my car (not the first time). I've spoken with the solicitor who said to report it and that she will get the papers ready to file for residency and occupancy and a non-molestation order.

i know this sounds like I'm being a coward but i'm terrified how she is going to react when she see's that i am applying for residency. Almost to the point that it's making me think if i am doing the right thing. I know 100% our son will have a better life with me but i also know due to how my wife operates that she will do something stupid. That something i just don't know what extent she will go to.

Anyone else been in the same situation?
Does anyone have similar experience about applying for residency? if i fail in the residency order does this mean i will be frowned upon by the courts? will i have to apply for a contact order separately if i fail? will it reduce my chances or being successful if o have to go down contact order route.

I am just trying to put our son first but i know it will severely burn bridges with my ex wife (feels strange typing that) to the point where she will try even harder to stop me from seeing my son. Alternatively she may back track and want to be amicable. how will it work is she turns around and says you can see our son 50% of the time?

Any advice is greatly appreciated.


In your case, I am sure Cafcass will be put in, so it will not be any deal between you both, they will have to agree.

You need to ask at first hearing for an interim order for contact (unless Cafcass advise to ask for Interim Residency) and be gilded by what Cafcass are saying in their position.

Hi Mark,

When you say "they will have to agree" who is they? 

I've just found out today that she has put a deposit down for a nursery and enrolled him to start in August! I am livid! We both agreed on a different nursery and now she is purposely putting him into the same one as her nephew. I've asked and told her multiple  times that i do not agree to them going to the same nursery. I know its pathetic but i just can't get over that our son is not allowed to see my family and she continues to do anything and everything to forge and build a closer relationship with her family with our son!!!

It's a preemptive strike, she knows i will quit my career to look after the little one to spend more time with him and she has told me multiple times that she will put him in nursery to try and prevent that. What the hell is wrong with people these days. why can't everyone just be nice.
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#16
Contact centres are only on court order, or if Social Services or Cafcass agree to an out of court use. They do have a cost as well.

AS you have PR, you have the legal right to be consulted on the nursery, and you now need to put in your Position Statement that an agreement had been made, and she has now changed it without consulting you.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#17
So I am going to court this Thursday on the basis of the below...

Non molestation order

Prohibitive steps for her to hand in our son's passport to her solicitor for fear of abduction

Occupation order - she moved out of her free will and then tried to come back a week later which i didn't allow

Residency Order - My solicitor told me there is very minimal chance of this happening as the courts don't like to move where the child resides.

I've asked my solicitor if i can ask for interim access. She said of course but that might not happen till the next court date where my ex partner will attend. Any advice on this as i am missing my son badly.

Absolutely terrified about going to court and even more terrified about the second court appearance where i will have to see my partner!
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#18
Update: non molestation order put in place, sons passport was handed over to person who served papers and ex wife is not allowed to leave country. Judge didn't make a ruling on residency or custody but set a date for 8th August.

Will this hearing be the Directions hearing? I am planning to ask for interim access what possible reasons could prevent the judge from ordering this?

Ex wife will say and do anything so i am really worried.
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#19
Update: Social services where my brother lives received an anonymous tip off saying that his children, my nieces, are being abused by heir father (my brother) and their grand dad (my father). I wonder who that could have been! absolutely furious right now!
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#20
So, yesterday I saw her application to the court. It is not a final statement as she claimed she needs more time to do a full response which couldn't be done due to the short notice of the directions hearing on this coming Monday.

In it, basically she has reversed everything I have said but as predicated and most worryingly she has said i have raped her multiple times.

I was really hoping that on Monday i would be able to ask for interim access as i haven't seen my little boy for nearly 6 weeks now. Would the judge not permit interim access as a result of the rape claims?

Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated!
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