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Violent wife with suspected BPD...please help
#1
Hello,
 
I've been reading various threads for a week or so now and have finally decided (i hope) not to become another silent victim to domestic abuse.
 
My wife and I have been married close to 3 years have a lovely baby boy who is 19 months old. Looking back at her actions/behaviour, now, it is clear to me she is suffering from a personality disorder (Narcissistic & highly Paranoid). At the time I always put her behaviour down to stress of wedding planning, stress of being pregnant etc. but I have come to realize things have only got worse.
 
I've had the police called on me numerous times under false domestic violence claims. Nothing has ever come of it as she never pressed charges. It was a way to scare and control me into not leaving and getting me to do what she wanted. After one police visit the leading officer advised me to start recording whenever things got bad so I could protect myself, which I have done.
 
November 2016 I decided to move out for good after and another tantrum where plates where smashed and I couldn’t take my son waking up crying anymore. I was going back to our home every night to do bed and bath times. one night she decided to call the police and say I raped her and beat her up because I refused to move back in. I was arrested and later released with all charges dropped due to lack of evidence. I didn't hear from my wife for the next few days and was really hurt at what she had done. A few days later i tried to make contact to see our son to which she refused unless I moved back home and it be conducted in her presence to which I obviously refused. I started court proceedings but couldn't cope with being separated and she agreed to move in to my parents’ house and I hoped once again she would change. This was a turbulent time as she has continually bullied and intimated my family for over 2 years with vile messages and death threats. She had enough and decided to move back into our matrimonial home with the understanding that I’ll remain at my parents’ house whilst we work things out. That night when I went to drop my son and wife to the home she become very angry and started saying vile things again. I immediately left and went to my parents’ house. Later that night she drove and rammed my mother’s car with our son in the back. I pleaded and begged for her to calm down. She eventually left. Ii was scared to call the police and report her. She text me saying that if I reported her she would say I raped her. That was the final straw, I called the police the next day and reported her. She denied my son being in the car and all her family acted as alibis and she claimed it was an accident.
 
A couple of months passed and I decided to move back home and live purely for my son to safeguard him and make sure he doesn’t grow up to me like her. March this year another incident happened, very minor comment from my mum when we visited them, about making sure the rice was cooked properly to me and not my wife. My wife exploded into rage as she had heard. I rushed all three of us back home to protect my mother. Later that day she sent disgusting messages to my mother and brother which I can’t even repeat on here. I let it go thinking how much worse can it get? Well it did get worse. She always opposed my family interacting with our son, they have only see him a hand full of times, but now I was being controlled even more. I was never allowed to take my son to see my family without her presence and tried explaining to her that there is no possible way I can take her anymore after the 2 years of abuse she has put them through. I was being kept prisoner at home whereby I wasn’t allowed anywhere alone with my son. She would take the car seat, my car keys or even the little ones shoes as she was worried I would sneak him to see my family. Her family even helped her to take my car keys. I didn't fight it as i didn't want my son to hear the shouting and smashing if i opposed. I dug my heels in a refused to do any family outings with her until she changed her mind. Her reply was always “you are putting your family above our family”. All I wanted was for was to give me something back for a change and was fed up of being used. I have showered her with gifts/holidays and outings and still she will not compromise one bit. If i really think about it the last time she didn't something nice for me was on fathers day 2015.
 
Well fast forward to the present day and I’ve left again. Last Sunday she exploded into rage again when I mentioned the car ramming incident and that I was worried for my son’s safety. She smashed the little one toys and I ran out of the house to pacify her as again our son woke up crying because of the loud noise.
 
I’ve spoken with my solicitor who has said that I can’t proceed timidly anymore and have to disclose everything and file for residency and get away from my wife before she injures me seriously.
 
We have seen two clinical psychologists before who have both told me it’s my wife’s personality but it can’t be diagnosed as she never spends enough time with them. She refuses to ever go back as on one incident (she punched my brother in the face whilst holding our son who was 1 month old at the time) I told the psychologist what happened who in turn contacted social services and her GP.
 
Sorry for the long post and I know it’s a long ready but I have a few questions and I would be most grateful for any advice.
 
1.   How will it look on me as she will claim that the reason the marriage ended was because I wanted my son to see my family without her being present and ultimately put them before my own family? I still doubt myself and am thinking maybe she is right?
 
 
2.   One of the psychologists has said she will write a full report about my wife. My solicitor has said it would be hard to get this disclosed to the courts as it needs her consent? Is there anything I can do about this?
 
3.   I was going to start proceedings and not tell her till 1 month before the court date so she couldn’t prevent me from seeing my son. But her last messages implied she is moving out back to her parents’ house. I work away from home, I leave late Sunday night and used to get back home 5 pm Thursday. So I would look after my son from Thursday to Sunday. When I say look after, I mean do every little thing. Cooking, cleaning, washing, laundry, bath, bed time with the obvious exception of breast feeding. I don’t know if I should attempt to persuade her to come back home and serve the notice 4 weeks prior as intended. Will this look bad on me by the courts?
 
4.   The number of times she has called the police has been 7 or 8? Nothing has ever come of it apart from that time when she cried rape where I was arrested but subsequently released. Should I be worried about these allegations? She will 100% make them again and say anything and everything. I am hoping the courts will see the extent of her messages to my family which are vile and delusional and see that she is lying? I am also hoping that when I show them the text where she threatened to tell the police I raped her again if I reported her that her claims and allegations will be discredited?
 
5.   Any advice on how I should proceed would be very helpful? I am heartbroken at the thought of taking our son away from his mother. All I want is for her to get better but have realised she never will. I am worried it maybe seen bad that I never contacted social services. I have responded when they have contacted me but nothing ever god came of it. All that would happen is I would face horrible reactions from my wife.
 
6.   I have several video and voice recordings. The video recording don’t show her acting but show the destruction caused. IE broken glass, smashed plates etc. The voice recording are several minutes long. I don’t know how to pass these to my solicitor without her having to listen to the whole recording and end up charging me a fortune. Any advice?
 
I sincerely hope the courts or cafass or whoever will see clearly she is irrational and delusional and that I not end up a sad story of another father losing contact with his child.
Reply
#2
(07-12-2016, 12:07 PM)nilbo Wrote: Hello,
 
I've been reading various threads for a week or so now and have finally decided (i hope) not to become another silent victim to domestic abuse.
 
My wife and I have been married close to 3 years have a lovely baby boy who is 19 months old. Looking back at her actions/behaviour, now, it is clear to me she is suffering from a personality disorder (Narcissistic & highly Paranoid). At the time I always put her behaviour down to stress of wedding planning, stress of being pregnant etc. but I have come to realize things have only got worse.
 
I've had the police called on me numerous times under false domestic violence claims. Nothing has ever come of it as she never pressed charges. It was a way to scare and control me into not leaving and getting me to do what she wanted. After one police visit the leading officer advised me to start recording whenever things got bad so I could protect myself, which I have done.
 
November 2016 I decided to move out for good after and another tantrum where plates where smashed and I couldn’t take my son waking up crying anymore. I was going back to our home every night to do bed and bath times. one night she decided to call the police and say I raped her and beat her up because I refused to move back in. I was arrested and later released with all charges dropped due to lack of evidence. I didn't hear from my wife for the next few days and was really hurt at what she had done. A few days later i tried to make contact to see our son to which she refused unless I moved back home and it be conducted in her presence to which I obviously refused. I started court proceedings but couldn't cope with being separated and she agreed to move in to my parents’ house and I hoped once again she would change. This was a turbulent time as she has continually bullied and intimated my family for over 2 years with vile messages and death threats. She had enough and decided to move back into our matrimonial home with the understanding that I’ll remain at my parents’ house whilst we work things out. That night when I went to drop my son and wife to the home she become very angry and started saying vile things again. I immediately left and went to my parents’ house. Later that night she drove and rammed my mother’s car with our son in the back. I pleaded and begged for her to calm down. She eventually left. Ii was scared to call the police and report her. She text me saying that if I reported her she would say I raped her. That was the final straw, I called the police the next day and reported her. She denied my son being in the car and all her family acted as alibis and she claimed it was an accident.
 
A couple of months passed and I decided to move back home and live purely for my son to safeguard him and make sure he doesn’t grow up to me like her. March this year another incident happened, very minor comment from my mum when we visited them, about making sure the rice was cooked properly to me and not my wife. My wife exploded into rage as she had heard. I rushed all three of us back home to protect my mother. Later that day she sent disgusting messages to my mother and brother which I can’t even repeat on here. I let it go thinking how much worse can it get? Well it did get worse. She always opposed my family interacting with our son, they have only see him a hand full of times, but now I was being controlled even more. I was never allowed to take my son to see my family without her presence and tried explaining to her that there is no possible way I can take her anymore after the 2 years of abuse she has put them through. I was being kept prisoner at home whereby I wasn’t allowed anywhere alone with my son. She would take the car seat, my car keys or even the little ones shoes as she was worried I would sneak him to see my family. Her family even helped her to take my car keys. I didn't fight it as i didn't want my son to hear the shouting and smashing if i opposed. I dug my heels in a refused to do any family outings with her until she changed her mind. Her reply was always “you are putting your family above our family”. All I wanted was for was to give me something back for a change and was fed up of being used. I have showered her with gifts/holidays and outings and still she will not compromise one bit. If i really think about it the last time she didn't something nice for me was on fathers day 2015.
 
Well fast forward to the present day and I’ve left again. Last Sunday she exploded into rage again when I mentioned the car ramming incident and that I was worried for my son’s safety. She smashed the little one toys and I ran out of the house to pacify her as again our son woke up crying because of the loud noise.
 
I’ve spoken with my solicitor who has said that I can’t proceed timidly anymore and have to disclose everything and file for residency and get away from my wife before she injures me seriously.
 
We have seen two clinical psychologists before who have both told me it’s my wife’s personality but it can’t be diagnosed as she never spends enough time with them. She refuses to ever go back as on one incident (she punched my brother in the face whilst holding our son who was 1 month old at the time) I told the psychologist what happened who in turn contacted social services and her GP.
 
Sorry for the long post and I know it’s a long ready but I have a few questions and I would be most grateful for any advice.
 
1.   How will it look on me as she will claim that the reason the marriage ended was because I wanted my son to see my family without her being present and ultimately put them before my own family? I still doubt myself and am thinking maybe she is right?
 
 
2.   One of the psychologists has said she will write a full report about my wife. My solicitor has said it would be hard to get this disclosed to the courts as it needs her consent? Is there anything I can do about this?
 
3.   I was going to start proceedings and not tell her till 1 month before the court date so she couldn’t prevent me from seeing my son. But her last messages implied she is moving out back to her parents’ house. I work away from home, I leave late Sunday night and used to get back home 5 pm Thursday. So I would look after my son from Thursday to Sunday. When I say look after, I mean do every little thing. Cooking, cleaning, washing, laundry, bath, bed time with the obvious exception of breast feeding. I don’t know if I should attempt to persuade her to come back home and serve the notice 4 weeks prior as intended. Will this look bad on me by the courts?
 
4.   The number of times she has called the police has been 7 or 8? Nothing has ever come of it apart from that time when she cried rape where I was arrested but subsequently released. Should I be worried about these allegations? She will 100% make them again and say anything and everything. I am hoping the courts will see the extent of her messages to my family which are vile and delusional and see that she is lying? I am also hoping that when I show them the text where she threatened to tell the police I raped her again if I reported her that her claims and allegations will be discredited?
 
5.   Any advice on how I should proceed would be very helpful? I am heartbroken at the thought of taking our son away from his mother. All I want is for her to get better but have realised she never will. I am worried it maybe seen bad that I never contacted social services. I have responded when they have contacted me but nothing ever god came of it. All that would happen is I would face horrible reactions from my wife.
 
6.   I have several video and voice recordings. The video recording don’t show her acting but show the destruction caused. IE broken glass, smashed plates etc. The voice recording are several minutes long. I don’t know how to pass these to my solicitor without her having to listen to the whole recording and end up charging me a fortune. Any advice?
 
I sincerely hope the courts or cafass or whoever will see clearly she is irrational and delusional and that I not end up a sad story of another father losing contact with his child.
Time is a bit limited tonight, so I have to go for the quick version.

1, Court are not interested in why people separate. Most of the time, they only come into it when Mediation fails. Their role is to Order what they consider to be fair Arrangements, taking into account the parents wishes and that of Professionals if they are involved.

2, State that the Report Exists, and if your ex challenges it, tell the court that they can put it down for "Finding of Fact", but they would have to make a Order for it to be produced.

3, From what I am reading, it might not be a month. As you have a Solicitor in place, its his call (as I am not one), but if your going to refer to risk to children, I think you might be able to go in ex party, to apply for an urgent hearing, and she will only get 24-48 hours notice.

4, Keep the text messages, you might need to refer to them in your Position Statement.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#3
Thanks MarkR

In regards to referring risk to children if she has moved back to her parents house she will not be challenged there and in full control of the situation. They know how to pacify and appease her by doing what she wants. Well they have done for most of her life hence she is the way she is and has never been taught right from wrong. I'm waiting to hear back from my solicitor but have not heard anything yet.

I'm presuming if risk to child is not mentioned then i'll have to face the 3 months wait for the directions hearing?
PS i have no intention of find a false and quick way to a court date. i'm not that type of person and wouldn't want to make my wife distressed.
Reply
#4
(07-12-2016, 12:07 PM)nilbo Wrote: Hello,
 
I've been reading various threads for a week or so now and have finally decided (i hope) not to become another silent victim to domestic abuse.
 
My wife and I have been married close to 3 years have a lovely baby boy who is 19 months old. Looking back at her actions/behaviour, now, it is clear to me she is suffering from a personality disorder (Narcissistic & highly Paranoid). At the time I always put her behaviour down to stress of wedding planning, stress of being pregnant etc. but I have come to realize things have only got worse.
 
I've had the police called on me numerous times under false domestic violence claims. Nothing has ever come of it as she never pressed charges. It was a way to scare and control me into not leaving and getting me to do what she wanted. After one police visit the leading officer advised me to start recording whenever things got bad so I could protect myself, which I have done.
 
November 2016 I decided to move out for good after and another tantrum where plates where smashed and I couldn’t take my son waking up crying anymore. I was going back to our home every night to do bed and bath times. one night she decided to call the police and say I raped her and beat her up because I refused to move back in. I was arrested and later released with all charges dropped due to lack of evidence. I didn't hear from my wife for the next few days and was really hurt at what she had done. A few days later i tried to make contact to see our son to which she refused unless I moved back home and it be conducted in her presence to which I obviously refused. I started court proceedings but couldn't cope with being separated and she agreed to move in to my parents’ house and I hoped once again she would change. This was a turbulent time as she has continually bullied and intimated my family for over 2 years with vile messages and death threats. She had enough and decided to move back into our matrimonial home with the understanding that I’ll remain at my parents’ house whilst we work things out. That night when I went to drop my son and wife to the home she become very angry and started saying vile things again. I immediately left and went to my parents’ house. Later that night she drove and rammed my mother’s car with our son in the back. I pleaded and begged for her to calm down. She eventually left. Ii was scared to call the police and report her. She text me saying that if I reported her she would say I raped her. That was the final straw, I called the police the next day and reported her. She denied my son being in the car and all her family acted as alibis and she claimed it was an accident.
 
A couple of months passed and I decided to move back home and live purely for my son to safeguard him and make sure he doesn’t grow up to me like her. March this year another incident happened, very minor comment from my mum when we visited them, about making sure the rice was cooked properly to me and not my wife. My wife exploded into rage as she had heard. I rushed all three of us back home to protect my mother. Later that day she sent disgusting messages to my mother and brother which I can’t even repeat on here. I let it go thinking how much worse can it get? Well it did get worse. She always opposed my family interacting with our son, they have only see him a hand full of times, but now I was being controlled even more. I was never allowed to take my son to see my family without her presence and tried explaining to her that there is no possible way I can take her anymore after the 2 years of abuse she has put them through. I was being kept prisoner at home whereby I wasn’t allowed anywhere alone with my son. She would take the car seat, my car keys or even the little ones shoes as she was worried I would sneak him to see my family. Her family even helped her to take my car keys. I didn't fight it as i didn't want my son to hear the shouting and smashing if i opposed. I dug my heels in a refused to do any family outings with her until she changed her mind. Her reply was always “you are putting your family above our family”. All I wanted was for was to give me something back for a change and was fed up of being used. I have showered her with gifts/holidays and outings and still she will not compromise one bit. If i really think about it the last time she didn't something nice for me was on fathers day 2015.
 
Well fast forward to the present day and I’ve left again. Last Sunday she exploded into rage again when I mentioned the car ramming incident and that I was worried for my son’s safety. She smashed the little one toys and I ran out of the house to pacify her as again our son woke up crying because of the loud noise.
 
I’ve spoken with my solicitor who has said that I can’t proceed timidly anymore and have to disclose everything and file for residency and get away from my wife before she injures me seriously.
 
We have seen two clinical psychologists before who have both told me it’s my wife’s personality but it can’t be diagnosed as she never spends enough time with them. She refuses to ever go back as on one incident (she punched my brother in the face whilst holding our son who was 1 month old at the time) I told the psychologist what happened who in turn contacted social services and her GP.
 
Sorry for the long post and I know it’s a long ready but I have a few questions and I would be most grateful for any advice.
 
1.   How will it look on me as she will claim that the reason the marriage ended was because I wanted my son to see my family without her being present and ultimately put them before my own family? I still doubt myself and am thinking maybe she is right?
 
 
2.   One of the psychologists has said she will write a full report about my wife. My solicitor has said it would be hard to get this disclosed to the courts as it needs her consent? Is there anything I can do about this?
 
3.   I was going to start proceedings and not tell her till 1 month before the court date so she couldn’t prevent me from seeing my son. But her last messages implied she is moving out back to her parents’ house. I work away from home, I leave late Sunday night and used to get back home 5 pm Thursday. So I would look after my son from Thursday to Sunday. When I say look after, I mean do every little thing. Cooking, cleaning, washing, laundry, bath, bed time with the obvious exception of breast feeding. I don’t know if I should attempt to persuade her to come back home and serve the notice 4 weeks prior as intended. Will this look bad on me by the courts?
 
4.   The number of times she has called the police has been 7 or 8? Nothing has ever come of it apart from that time when she cried rape where I was arrested but subsequently released. Should I be worried about these allegations? She will 100% make them again and say anything and everything. I am hoping the courts will see the extent of her messages to my family which are vile and delusional and see that she is lying? I am also hoping that when I show them the text where she threatened to tell the police I raped her again if I reported her that her claims and allegations will be discredited?
 
5.   Any advice on how I should proceed would be very helpful? I am heartbroken at the thought of taking our son away from his mother. All I want is for her to get better but have realised she never will. I am worried it maybe seen bad that I never contacted social services. I have responded when they have contacted me but nothing ever god came of it. All that would happen is I would face horrible reactions from my wife.
 
6.   I have several video and voice recordings. The video recording don’t show her acting but show the destruction caused. IE broken glass, smashed plates etc. The voice recording are several minutes long. I don’t know how to pass these to my solicitor without her having to listen to the whole recording and end up charging me a fortune. Any advice?
 
I sincerely hope the courts or cafass or whoever will see clearly she is irrational and delusional and that I not end up a sad story of another father losing contact with his child.

Hi

I cant give any advice on this but I can share my experience. I too have a daughter who is now 1 year old. I had been married for 1 year and 3 months when I separated from my wife in January 2016. This was after she made false allegations to the police about me assaulting her. 

For me, that was the last straw on top of the other issues of abusive language towards me, the abusive language towards my family, the physical violence on several occasions, the financial recklessness which was not only destroying the marriage, it was destroying me and my family.

Since I filed for divorce, she has done everything to stop it, she has tried to destroy me financially, she has been abusive to my family, she is after my house and the worst part of all is that she has refused for me to see my daughter since January.

I cant tell you how its all gone so far because the first court date is next week over the contested divorce. 

The next battle will be for my daughter. 

I will keep you posted

Li
Reply
#5
(07-13-2016, 04:59 PM)leephat Wrote:
(07-12-2016, 12:07 PM)nilbo Wrote: Hello,
 
I've been reading various threads for a week or so now and have finally decided (i hope) not to become another silent victim to domestic abuse.
 
My wife and I have been married close to 3 years have a lovely baby boy who is 19 months old. Looking back at her actions/behaviour, now, it is clear to me she is suffering from a personality disorder (Narcissistic & highly Paranoid). At the time I always put her behaviour down to stress of wedding planning, stress of being pregnant etc. but I have come to realize things have only got worse.
 
I've had the police called on me numerous times under false domestic violence claims. Nothing has ever come of it as she never pressed charges. It was a way to scare and control me into not leaving and getting me to do what she wanted. After one police visit the leading officer advised me to start recording whenever things got bad so I could protect myself, which I have done.
 
November 2016 I decided to move out for good after and another tantrum where plates where smashed and I couldn’t take my son waking up crying anymore. I was going back to our home every night to do bed and bath times. one night she decided to call the police and say I raped her and beat her up because I refused to move back in. I was arrested and later released with all charges dropped due to lack of evidence. I didn't hear from my wife for the next few days and was really hurt at what she had done. A few days later i tried to make contact to see our son to which she refused unless I moved back home and it be conducted in her presence to which I obviously refused. I started court proceedings but couldn't cope with being separated and she agreed to move in to my parents’ house and I hoped once again she would change. This was a turbulent time as she has continually bullied and intimated my family for over 2 years with vile messages and death threats. She had enough and decided to move back into our matrimonial home with the understanding that I’ll remain at my parents’ house whilst we work things out. That night when I went to drop my son and wife to the home she become very angry and started saying vile things again. I immediately left and went to my parents’ house. Later that night she drove and rammed my mother’s car with our son in the back. I pleaded and begged for her to calm down. She eventually left. Ii was scared to call the police and report her. She text me saying that if I reported her she would say I raped her. That was the final straw, I called the police the next day and reported her. She denied my son being in the car and all her family acted as alibis and she claimed it was an accident.
 
A couple of months passed and I decided to move back home and live purely for my son to safeguard him and make sure he doesn’t grow up to me like her. March this year another incident happened, very minor comment from my mum when we visited them, about making sure the rice was cooked properly to me and not my wife. My wife exploded into rage as she had heard. I rushed all three of us back home to protect my mother. Later that day she sent disgusting messages to my mother and brother which I can’t even repeat on here. I let it go thinking how much worse can it get? Well it did get worse. She always opposed my family interacting with our son, they have only see him a hand full of times, but now I was being controlled even more. I was never allowed to take my son to see my family without her presence and tried explaining to her that there is no possible way I can take her anymore after the 2 years of abuse she has put them through. I was being kept prisoner at home whereby I wasn’t allowed anywhere alone with my son. She would take the car seat, my car keys or even the little ones shoes as she was worried I would sneak him to see my family. Her family even helped her to take my car keys. I didn't fight it as i didn't want my son to hear the shouting and smashing if i opposed. I dug my heels in a refused to do any family outings with her until she changed her mind. Her reply was always “you are putting your family above our family”. All I wanted was for was to give me something back for a change and was fed up of being used. I have showered her with gifts/holidays and outings and still she will not compromise one bit. If i really think about it the last time she didn't something nice for me was on fathers day 2015.
 
Well fast forward to the present day and I’ve left again. Last Sunday she exploded into rage again when I mentioned the car ramming incident and that I was worried for my son’s safety. She smashed the little one toys and I ran out of the house to pacify her as again our son woke up crying because of the loud noise.
 
I’ve spoken with my solicitor who has said that I can’t proceed timidly anymore and have to disclose everything and file for residency and get away from my wife before she injures me seriously.
 
We have seen two clinical psychologists before who have both told me it’s my wife’s personality but it can’t be diagnosed as she never spends enough time with them. She refuses to ever go back as on one incident (she punched my brother in the face whilst holding our son who was 1 month old at the time) I told the psychologist what happened who in turn contacted social services and her GP.
 
Sorry for the long post and I know it’s a long ready but I have a few questions and I would be most grateful for any advice.
 
1.   How will it look on me as she will claim that the reason the marriage ended was because I wanted my son to see my family without her being present and ultimately put them before my own family? I still doubt myself and am thinking maybe she is right?
 
 
2.   One of the psychologists has said she will write a full report about my wife. My solicitor has said it would be hard to get this disclosed to the courts as it needs her consent? Is there anything I can do about this?
 
3.   I was going to start proceedings and not tell her till 1 month before the court date so she couldn’t prevent me from seeing my son. But her last messages implied she is moving out back to her parents’ house. I work away from home, I leave late Sunday night and used to get back home 5 pm Thursday. So I would look after my son from Thursday to Sunday. When I say look after, I mean do every little thing. Cooking, cleaning, washing, laundry, bath, bed time with the obvious exception of breast feeding. I don’t know if I should attempt to persuade her to come back home and serve the notice 4 weeks prior as intended. Will this look bad on me by the courts?
 
4.   The number of times she has called the police has been 7 or 8? Nothing has ever come of it apart from that time when she cried rape where I was arrested but subsequently released. Should I be worried about these allegations? She will 100% make them again and say anything and everything. I am hoping the courts will see the extent of her messages to my family which are vile and delusional and see that she is lying? I am also hoping that when I show them the text where she threatened to tell the police I raped her again if I reported her that her claims and allegations will be discredited?
 
5.   Any advice on how I should proceed would be very helpful? I am heartbroken at the thought of taking our son away from his mother. All I want is for her to get better but have realised she never will. I am worried it maybe seen bad that I never contacted social services. I have responded when they have contacted me but nothing ever god came of it. All that would happen is I would face horrible reactions from my wife.
 
6.   I have several video and voice recordings. The video recording don’t show her acting but show the destruction caused. IE broken glass, smashed plates etc. The voice recording are several minutes long. I don’t know how to pass these to my solicitor without her having to listen to the whole recording and end up charging me a fortune. Any advice?
 
I sincerely hope the courts or cafass or whoever will see clearly she is irrational and delusional and that I not end up a sad story of another father losing contact with his child.

Hi

I cant give any advice on this but I can share my experience. I too have a daughter who is now 1 year old. I had been married for 1 year and 3 months when I separated from my wife in January 2016. This was after she made false allegations to the police about me assaulting her. 

For me, that was the last straw on top of the other issues of abusive language towards me, the abusive language towards my family, the physical violence on several occasions, the financial recklessness which was not only destroying the marriage, it was destroying me and my family.

Since I filed for divorce, she has done everything to stop it, she has tried to destroy me financially, she has been abusive to my family, she is after my house and the worst part of all is that she has refused for me to see my daughter since January.

I cant tell you how its all gone so far because the first court date is next week over the contested divorce. 

The next battle will be for my daughter. 

I will keep you posted

Li

Hi Li,

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles and pain. 

May I ask how it has come about that you have not seen your daughter since January? I was under the impression that the first court date for contact access takes roughly 3 months and, in worst case, access is granted via contact centers if needed to maintain the relationship between father and child whilst the longer term process carried forwards?
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#6
(07-13-2016, 08:11 AM)nilbo Wrote: Thanks MarkR

In regards to referring risk to children if she has moved back to her parents house she will not be challenged there and in full control of the situation. They know how to pacify and appease her by doing what she wants. Well they have done for most of her life hence she is the way she is and has never been taught right from wrong. I'm waiting to hear back from my solicitor but have not heard anything yet.

I'm presuming if risk to child is not mentioned then i'll have to face the 3 months wait for the directions hearing?
PS i have no intention of find a false and quick way to a court date. i'm not that type of person and wouldn't want to make my wife distressed.

Timescale depends on court availability in your local area, in Milton Keynes its about 5 to 6 weeks for new cases. However, if you introduced the Child Welfare on your application, it might fit the remit of Urgent.

While they can say the Grandparents are managing the situation, the point you can make to the court is that its you and your ex who has Parental Responsibility, so if there is concerns about your ex, then its you who should look after the child if you wished.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#7
Thank you again mark. When I applied last December to courts I got an April date. If i knew I was to have to wait 5-6 weeks thst would make the thought so much more bearable.

I've decided 100% now to get out of this situation. I must think about the longer term picture. I don't want my son to grow up to be ridden with manipulation tactics and be ridden with guilt trips and controlling behaviour.

Do you know what determines what access I would be granted? My wife is adamant that it would be a weekend every fortnight. That to me is not an option at all. I'm his primary care giver from the time I reach home on Thursday evening through to Sunday evening. Before I took this job away from home 3 months ago I was at home every night to do bed and bath times after I got back from work and would do the majority of care on weekends to give her a break.
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#8
(07-13-2016, 08:30 PM)nilbo Wrote: Thank you again mark. When I applied last December to courts I got an April date. If i knew I was to have to wait 5-6 weeks thst would make the thought so much more bearable.

I've decided 100% now to get out of this situation. I must think about the longer term picture. I don't want my son to grow up to be ridden with manipulation tactics and be ridden with guilt trips and controlling behaviour.

Do you know what determines what access I would be granted? My wife is adamant that it would be a weekend every fortnight. That to me is not an option at all. I'm his primary care giver from the time I reach home on Thursday evening  through to Sunday evening. Before I took this job away from home 3 months ago I was at home every night to do bed and bath times after I got back from work and would do the majority of care on weekends to give her a break.



Depends on how old the Child is (Over 10 there "needs and wishes" come into it). As part of the process, at first hearing you will be ordered to do a Position Statement in 2-3 weeks, for return to court for Directions.

This is where you outline what you want. Your ex is talking about a typical contact situation, however, its the availability of the none resident parent what decides on the contact arrangements. The Judge will consider that both parents need to have time (outside school hours) with the child.

I used to work Sunday night shift, so my contact order was
week 1 Friday from school till 10am Sunday
week 2 Friday from school till  6pm Saturday
week 3 Friday from school till 10am Sunday
week 4 with my ex

A typical order is Friday pm till Sunday PM every 2 weeks.

Also, up to half school holidays (if you ask). If you can not get 6.5 weeks off work, then my advise is 1 week Easter and Christmas, and 2 weeks in the Summer.

Staying contact has no bearing on Child Support, but once its in place it reduces payments, if a child is with you for contact at a place your ex does not live at.

You could go more towards shared care, trying from Thursday, but you then might lose week 2.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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#9
He will be 2 years old in December so his wishes won't come into it.

Why would week 2 be lost if I went for shared care?

In regards to finances, I really don't care about money. I'd always make sure I'd pay what I considered to be a good value not just towards the cost of care for my son but also so that my wife can treat herself if she so wishes. I won't allow her vindictiveness and attempts to ruin me make me a bad hearted person.
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#10
(07-13-2016, 09:13 PM)nilbo Wrote: He will be 2 years old in December so his wishes won't come into it.

Why would week 2 be lost if I went for shared care?

In regards to finances,  I really don't care about money. I'd always make sure I'd pay what I considered to be a good value not just towards the cost of care for my son  but also so that  my wife can treat herself if she so wishes. I won't allow her vindictiveness and attempts to ruin me make me a bad hearted person.

If you had some sort of shared care including on School nights (what an order from Thursday would give you), then a Judge would have to consider the overall amount of time your ex has, and it would not be a lot, so they would give your ex every other weekend.

What might work is Every Thursday from school, returned to school on a Friday, but every 2 weeks, from school Friday until Sunday (a time what suits you)
, and up to half school holidays.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
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