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Telling kids tomorrow
#1
Sad 
Hi guys, we have now got through all the will we wont we.
Reality about to hit, our kids are 10 and 13 we plan to tell them tomorrow together after school with the 3 of them moving out on Monday. The kids will leave for school but not return to my house until the Wednesday.

Any tips about how to break the news, what have people experienced with reactions with kids similar ages?
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#2
Ironically, it's probably best to show a united front - that this is a joint decision and that you're both happy with it. And if this isn't true, lie.

Try to reassure them that whilst it might be a bit weird to start, things will get sorted out. Their lives are about to undergo a big change and will probably feel increasingly anxious about it all. Try and keep that in the front of your mind.

It's not the most pleasant of experiences, but you can do it! Just keep thinking about how they're going to be feeling at that moment, and the rest'll come to you. And in some ways this might even help you - I remember when I was in your shoes and strangely I felt a bit better for having done it. Telling our boys kinda made it real - it'd felt a bit like a bad dream up until then, as in many ways our lives up to that point had continued like they always had when we were married. It almost gave me a sense of acceptance as well, rather than harbouring this enormous secret that had been tearing me apart. Though for me that watershed moment came when telling my parents.

Good luck.
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#3
Sorry but I can’t lie it was and still is one of the worst moments of my life and the memory or seeing my children’s hearts break in front of me will haunt me till the day I die.
 
That being said, despite ongoing issue with their mum being the typical vindictive trouble maker the law protects in discrimination towards fathers, I am and remain a much better parent since the separation than I ever was because I am happier and make the most of every second my children are with me.

As your children are older than mine they might have picked up on some emotions between you and your partner so it might not be as much as a shock and therefore not as traumatic as my experience. If not all you can do is (if possible) show it’s a joint decision, but if not explain the situation as best as you can but put as much focus on how they will still be loved and have you in their life and that your both support them through this.

Feel for you as this wont be nice and your home will feel quiet and lonely until you acclimatise. Good luck for you all.
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#4
Thanks Guys,
I definitely think its the worst thing I will ever have to tell them and its all the harder as its not by decision to give up and separate but as you all say show a UNITED front which I am planning to do. (One day when they are adults and they ask what happened I will tell them the truth that their mum gave up working at the marriage but it serves no purpose at this stage).

Good news is that they will be back with me on Wednesday after school for 3 days so will get all chores done and wife specific photos/wall plaques banished and replace with photos of the 3 of us and the dog....so I can focus my attention on the two of them.
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#5
(01-11-2018, 01:47 PM)sad al Wrote: Good news is that they will be back with me on Wednesday after school for 3 days so will get all chores done and wife specific photos/wall plaques banished and replace with photos of the 3 of us and the dog....so I can focus my attention on the two of them.

Although I agree I wouldn’t want photos of my ex up either lol, if they have a bedroom at yours it might be worth asking if they want any of them in there before removing them completely.

I only say this as I know my children struggled with the fact my image was removed from the family home very quickly after we separated. My step daughter has a great relationship with me, but we also ensure her Dads picture is in her room because its important to show them their emotions matter more than ours.
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#6
(01-11-2018, 12:27 PM)sad al Wrote: Hi guys, we have now got through all the will we wont we.
Reality about to hit, our kids are 10 and 13 we plan to tell them tomorrow together after school with the 3 of them moving out on Monday. The kids will leave for school but not return to my house until the Wednesday.

Any tips about how to break the news, what have people experienced with reactions with kids similar ages?

It won't be easy and I can't imagine it going as smoothly as we would all like to imagine it would, unless you are both completely amicable and matter of factabout the split there's still going a lot of emotion in the air, no matter how you break the news.
unfortunately my ex didn't give us the opportunity to break the news to our children together in the mature adult way in which you intend. Instead she told them behind my back hours after I was still getting head around the news that she didn't want to be with me anymore. She presented it to them as a "big new adventure"
Luckily my 11 year old was never falling for that. For the most part I held it together when I left, until I cuddled them at the door. I'll never forget how strong and lasting that hug was was from them both.
What I'm saying is it will feel traumatic at the time and you'll probably feel as if its damaged them forever, but 9 months on I can tell you that kids are extremely resilient and that day seems like a lifetime ago now, and they adjust. All you can be is as honest with them as you think their age is appropriate and demonstrate as much as you can how loved they by both of you and how none of this is their fault.
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#7
Thanks to you all for sharing your experiences and thoughts how best to handle.
It will be tough but you guys have shown there is light at the end of tunnel which is inspiring to me.

Will let you know over the weekend how it goes ....cheers
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#8
They must be told its not their fault and you both love them exactly the same yesterday, today and tomorrow
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#9
I feel for you sad al...I haven't told the kids yet..waiting till everything is sorted out first...dreading it to be honest with you... good luck and stay strong for the kids bro...
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#10
Well that is the deed done after they cameback from school. We sat them down in the living room and stuck to the advice from people on here. Only curve ball is my son cried which I wasnt expecting so knocked me off track for a minute or so.
They cried asked loads of questions but 30 mins on they have settled down......another hurdle over.....

Thanks for everyones support so far.....
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