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Dying inside
#1
Hey, I´m new here.

My situation is this. 4 months ago my partner of 22 years and I separated.....the third separation, and always me being the one to move out. This time we have a son who is about to turn 5 years old. She and I did not communicate at all really for years, no love, just going through the motions. I ended up on anti-depressants and alcohol to cope, I ended up falling for a fleeting romance, my ex launched a surprise attack conversation on me, it all exploded and here I am.

I am a great dad and have always been very hands on. Bath time, making dinner, ironing the clothes, taking him to school etc. For the the last couple of years, due to me ex being confirmed with Pre-Menopause, I was basically doing everything. I gave up my hobbies and my spare time, and she went to Pilates twice a week.

I am missing my son so much. I see him in the morning for half an hour when I go to my old house to get him dressed and give him breakfast then take him to his Aunt´s house who takes him to school. Then I see him on Monday and Wednseday evening for a couple of hours, Friday evening when all of our social circle and kids are together, and then I have him on Saturday from 10am to 5pm.

I am sure most of you will be saying that I am luck that given the situation I am getting to see him so much. But it´s not enough. My birthday was on Christmas Eve, and here in Spain that is the big family meal day. I am from the UK so my family aren´t here, but hers are. So that evening she and my son went to her family whilst I went to a friends and was sang Happy Birthday by strangers, and helped to blow out the candles by my friends son, not my son. Then on Christmas morning, by the time my Ex responded to my text, My son had already opened the presents that my Ex and I had bought between the two of us. I didn´t get to see his face of excitement, his shock at seeing that Santa had eaten the biscuits he had put out for him.

I cry every day. I can´t concentrate at work. I am financially screwed and emotionally f**ked. I suggested to my ex yesterday a parenting marriage arrangement after thinking it through and preparing a 25 page document about the benefits for all of us. She is going to think about it but I am not hopeful. So I will never get to go back home, I will never get to live with and nurture my son. As each day goes by he is going to need me less and less and miss me less and less. I ask him if he is happy and he says yes, but would be happier with Daddy at home. In a couple of years time I think he will just say he is happy.

This is killing me. I don´t think I can go on like this.
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#2
Four months ago is not long and 22 years is a long time to be with someone. Assume you are not now with the new person? Try and see if the ex will go to counselling with you. It sounds like a reconciliation may be possible if you think she will consider it. It may not be perfect but you can try for your son to have a normal family growing up. The menopause can be a strange time and things may improve. If you think there is no way she would want a reconciliation though, then maybe just have counselling for you to help support you through this time and help you make decisions.

Try and focus on the positives right now. Although you are separated, your son is keeping up his relationship with both of you. Christmas is over now and next year may be different.

If you're probably depressed (normal and understandable) then go to GP also - pills don't fix everything but they can get you through a bad patch.
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#3
(01-15-2018, 10:54 AM)Charlie7000 Wrote: Four months ago is not long and 22 years is a long time to be with someone.  Assume you are not now with the new person?  Try and see if the ex will go to counselling with you.  It sounds like a reconciliation may be possible if you think she will consider it.  It may not be perfect but you can try for your son to have a normal family growing up.  The menopause can be a strange time and things may improve.  If you think there is no way she would want a reconciliation though, then maybe just have counselling for you to help support you through this time and help you make decisions.

Try and focus on the positives right now.  Although you are separated, your son is keeping up his relationship with both of you. Christmas is over now and next year may be different.

If you're probably depressed (normal and understandable) then go to GP also - pills don't fix everything but they can get you through a bad patch.


Hey. No, I am not with the new person. It never went further than saying we really liked each other then deciding it was an impossible situation.

As for the ex, I asked her yesterday if there could be any way back for us, to be a couple again. She said not, which I understand, but at the same time I think she stills fails to realise she has played a big part in our demise. That is why I proposed the Parenting Marriage. If I want to be able to provide my son a secure future, and for her and I to be able to retire one day, we can´t do it like this. All our savings went into the family home. If the central heating boiler breaks tomorrow there is now money to pay for it now. I just want her to see the reality. I am already in counselling, and suggested that if we give this idea the go ahead that we should do counselling. Again she was saying before I left she thought we could do something like this. When I asked my she didn´t say anything she said I wouldn´t have listened, and now she feels it is too late. 

I am the product of a broken marriage (my parents separated when I was 5) and I know first hand the effects and the feelings that are developed towards each parent. I don´t want that for my son. I don´t want this for any of us.

I can´t see any positives at the moment. When I am not with my son I walk, and walk, and walk. I have pretty much shut myself off from everything else.
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#4
Oh man I feel your pain...you nearly got me crying with the comment your boy made... that's sad....but main thing is your still in his life...and that you love him so much is a positive....it would be great if you both could sort it out....but if not you need to try and fix you.....maybe some councilling will help you. Just someone to talk to and have a good old cry might help you get your head around this....
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#5
Dark days indeed, but you have to find your strength to somehow carry on. Things will get better.

I suspect you want to be able to see your son as he grows and will inevitably want a relationship with his Dad, so yes this place and time are so difficult (and I absolutely get the whole Christmas thing as my wife did this to me Christmas 2016/17), but the situation will change and if you can keep yourself from going bananas you will be there to help make it happen 

So 2 christmas' ago I had no time with my kids at all. it was awful, really heart and mind breakingly distressing.

Previously, I was the one who normally organised the majority of their presents and ended up wrapping them as my wife was less interested in this task. I got none of this and didn't seem them till early January. 
BUT, following court intervention I got to spend Christmas with my kids this year...... but was it on 25th December? No!

We did "Christmas again" on the 27th as they were handed over from their mother on Boxing Day, which became "Christmas Eve....Again" ! So I have adapted and so have they. My heart almost burst when my son and daughter whispered to me on the 26th "Daddy it really does feel like Christmas again"!

The point of me sharing this is that this year I made the best of the situation I find myself in and even though it was only a few days over the Christmas holidays, this is much better than the total lack of time I had with them the previous year. 

Keep it together. There are lots of blokes on here who are around to help you let off steam and/or offer advice.

Good luck and all the best.
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#6
(01-16-2018, 01:54 PM)scottb Wrote: Oh man I feel your pain...you nearly got me crying with the comment your boy made... that's sad....but main thing is your still in his life...and that you love him so much is a positive....it would be great if you both could sort it out....but if not you need to try and fix you.....maybe some councilling will help you. Just someone to talk to and have a good old cry might help you get your head around this....

Yesterday I was with him briefly. He sat on the sofa in my old home and starting to play Plants vs Zombies on the tablet. He wanted to show me the new plants he had got. But it wasn´t my evening to be with him, I was just helping for a few minutes whilst my ex did something else. Anyway she got back, and I said to him Son, I have to go now. And he said to me No Daddy, I want you to stay here tonight and forever. It was so beautiful, but at the same time so excruciating to hear that. 

I have my second Psychologist appointment next week. I´m hoping she can help sort me out. I don´t want to go back on pills even though she has advised it as a helping hand for the next few weeks. I just want to be with my son in my home.

(01-16-2018, 05:16 PM)Spigot58 Wrote: Dark days indeed, but you have to find your strength to somehow carry on. Things will get better.

I suspect you want to be able to see your son as he grows and will inevitably want a relationship with his Dad, so yes this place and time are so difficult (and I absolutely get the whole Christmas thing as my wife did this to me Christmas 2016/17), but the situation will change and if you can keep yourself from going bananas you will be there to help make it happen 

So 2 christmas' ago I had no time with my kids at all. it was awful, really heart and mind breakingly distressing.

Previously, I was the one who normally organised the majority of their presents and ended up wrapping them as my wife was less interested in this task. I got none of this and didn't seem them till early January. 
BUT, following court intervention I got to spend Christmas with my kids this year...... but was it on 25th December? No!

We did "Christmas again" on the 27th as they were handed over from their mother on Boxing Day, which became "Christmas Eve....Again" ! So I have adapted and so have they. My heart almost burst when my son and daughter whispered to me on the 26th "Daddy it really does feel like Christmas again"!

The point of me sharing this is that this year I made the best of the situation I find myself in and even though it was only a few days over the Christmas holidays, this is much better than the total lack of time I had with them the previous year. 

Keep it together. There are lots of blokes on here who are around to help you let off steam and/or offer advice.

Good luck and all the best.


Thanks for the words of encouragement. I never want another Christmas to feel like this one. TF it´s over now. But I jsut can´t seem to adjust to the fact that I will no longer be able to be with him every evening. When I lived there I had the occasional evening where I would go out, and exercise or whatever but I always knew that I went back to my home and he was there and I could see him sleeping. How do get used to that never happening again?
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#7
You take one day at a time. If you're going back to your old home to spend time with your son, then to be honest, that is just going to be harder for both you and son at the moment. All too familiar. Unless you're still hoping for a reconciliation. If you've been separated four months is she not agreeing to him coming to you to spend time?

Ok here's a thought. At the moment she knows you want to try again and she is saying no. It's easy for her to say no, you're still around sometimes and it gives her all the power. One motivation for getting back on track, upbeat and less unhappy, is to show her you are doing fine without her. While still wanting to see your son as much as possible. If you are still going round regularly - act. Smile be funny and interesting - with son and in front of her. Start doing new things. This is a benefit whatever happens. Read a motivational book - feel you can do anything and can change things. It will rub off on others. You never know she might start to see what she is missing. Don't give her all the power.

Easy to say I know - if you're grieving you can't just snap out of it. Reading self help books can help though. You need to sort you to deal with everything else. You could even try wooing her a bit occasionally. But if the marriage really is done for and has been for a long time, then it may be a case of everyone adapting to son having two homes now and spending great times with both his parents. And you should look at getting shared care in a court order or by agreement.

Most divorces are because one or other person finds it intolerable to still live with the other one. If it isn't as bad as that, then there is a chance. I had to google "parenting marriage" as hadn't heard of it. I guess it could work if both people agreed. At the moment she has the upper hand as son is still at home with her mostly.

To be honest, if you really want to go back and/or fix the marriage I would do anything you can to achieve that. Be determined to win her over. If it doesn't work then at least try and get 50/50 shared care.
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#8
(01-17-2018, 04:16 PM)Charlie7000 Wrote: You take one day at a time.  If you're going back to your old home to spend time with your son, then to be honest, that is just going to be harder for both you and son at the moment.  All too familiar.  Unless you're still hoping for a reconciliation.  If you've been separated four months is she not agreeing to him coming to you to spend time?

Ok here's a thought.  At the moment she knows you want to try again and she is saying no.  It's easy for her to say no, you're still around sometimes and it gives her all the power.  One motivation for getting back on track, upbeat and less unhappy, is to show her you are doing fine without her.  While still wanting to see your son as much as possible.  If you are still going round regularly - act.  Smile be funny and interesting - with son and in front of her.  Start doing new things.  This is a benefit whatever happens.  Read a motivational book - feel you can do anything and can change things.  It will rub off on others.  You never know she might start to see what she is missing.  Don't give her all the power.

Easy to say I know - if you're grieving you can't just snap out of it.  Reading self help books can help though.  You need to sort you to deal with everything else.  You could even try wooing her a bit occasionally.  But if the marriage really is done for and has been for a long time, then it may be a case of everyone adapting to son having two homes now and spending great times with both his parents.  And you should look at getting shared care in a court order or by agreement.

Most divorces are because one or other person finds it intolerable to still live with the other one.  If it isn't as bad as that, then there is a chance.  I had to google "parenting marriage" as hadn't heard of it.  I guess it could work if both people agreed. At the moment she has the upper hand as son is still at home with her mostly.

To be honest, if you really want to go back and/or fix the marriage I would do anything you can to achieve that.  Be determined to win her over.  If it doesn't work then at least try and get 50/50 shared care.


It is all very amicable so far. My son comes to my rented flat but he doesn´t want to stay over. He wants to sleep at home. So the two evenings I have him I have to take him home for 8pm for bath and dinner time. 

As for trying again with my ex, I asked her last weekend if there was any possibility and basically the answer was no. This is our third split over the 22 years we were together, and each time it has been me running away. But this time it is so hard. My son wasn´t even born on the other 2 occasions, and I was so blinded by antidepressants and alcohol that I never though how hard this would be, not being with him every afternoon. 

When I go around to my old home (which is every morning to get my son ready for school) I try to be upbeat but it is really taking its toll. 

Our problem was lack of communication and showing love to each other. She stopped calling me honey I don´t know when, and always called me by my name. before she only did that when she was angry or pissed off with me. She said she needed someone who would hug her and tell her everything would be OK but she never said it. Basically we expected each other to know what the other wanted and needed telepathically, and we were both disappointed and angry that the other didn´t realise these things. To make things worse I told here that I didn´t love her anymore and that I had fallen for somebody else. So reconciliation possibilities 0.

Now with how I am feeling I would happily put off any chance of any further romance in my life, and live with my family in a parenting marriage situation. I need to be more with my son, and I need to be able to provide for him financially. With the situation the way it is now I am financially screwed.
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#9
You probably really should be going more to encourage your son to stay over with you. He has to adapt to the new situation and kids usually do adapt very well.

Going round to the family home every day will just drive home the fact that you don’t live there anymore. A wee bit of distance is probably needed here.
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#10
(01-18-2018, 12:08 PM)Hazy Wrote: You probably really should be going more to encourage your son to stay over with you.  He has to adapt to the new situation and kids usually do adapt very well.  

Going round to the family home every day will just drive home the fact that you don’t live there anymore. A wee bit of distance is probably needed here.

He doesn´t want to stay in my house and I am not going to force him to. I ask him now and again and he doesn´t want to. Not much more I can do really.

As for going around to the family, we saw a psychologist before we split who suggested that sticking to some routines (like me getting him ready for school in the morning) would help him, that is why we do it like this.
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