Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Finally got the courage to post
#41
Hi all, thanks for support and great advice.

It’s been a while since I last posted, and thought maybe an update would help others to not make the same mistakes as me.

So, turned out ex’s new boyfriend was someone from her work, known for years, and I suspect had had a fling with before we got together. I was devestated, felt like the last 10 years had been a lie, could not get my head around someone you trust more than anyone on the world turning out to be such a manipulative, lying, deceitful witch!

I didn’t take this well, i told her what I thought of her, nothing threatening, just raised my voice. She then told her family I had smashed the door in, frightened her so much she had to sleep outside kids room. All complete nonsense!! She then said I could no longer have kids until I sort myself out!!! I mean, did she expect to wander of into the sunset with her new lover with me happily waving them off??

Things had really deteriorated betwern us, I was struggling to accept what had happened and being stuck on my own miles from my real friends and family, I struggled to see her without saying something about how hurt I was, stupidly thinking she actually gave a toss. At which point, I think I had a bit of a breakdown, couldn’t concentrate at work, it felt like breeze blocks were on my chest when I woke up in the morning, getting out of bed took every ounce of effort I could muster. I felt like absolute shite!

I decided to go home for a break and get away from it all , took 2 weeks sick leave off work and stayed at my mums, saw friends (who made me realise I was justified to be upset), wallowed, cried, felt sorry for myself, and then slowly felt a bit better.

So, I made a decision to move on, forgive and forget as it only hurts me to be angry, and the kids need a happy healthy dad. Easier said than done.

So, I’ve come back and am being the perfect ex and dad, I actually feel happy again sometimes. The only problem is, now I’m back and seeing her again , I can’t forgive her!! Inside I hate her for the lies and disrespect she’s shown towards me. She carries on like nothings happened, I smile politely but inside I just want her to fuck right off!! And as for the new boyfriend, what kind of arse goes into another mans home the minute he’s out out the door? Where’s the morals!!

But, these feeling aren’t as strong anymore? and I can keep them inside for the greater good. I bitterly regret not keeping my emotions in check earlier, my advice as everyone told me - Do not show them you are upset or lose your cool. It will not help in anyway, if you can see a counsellor, it is worth every penny. Mine has helped me realise I was married to a complete narcissist and life would have been pretty awful for me in the future. The time I spend with the kids now, whilst less, is sooo much better than it ever was when I had their mother to deal with.

So, I’m 3 months in and it still hurts, but From experience I can say however low you feel, However hopeless and lost and discarded you feel, it can and will get easier. Just focus on that, one day you will feel like you did before this nightmare started.

Hang in there guys
Reply
#42
Great post Rob, sounds like you have really turned a corner. It all sounds so familiar - the cheating with a work colleague, the total indifference, the deceit of someone you thought cared, the assumption that you should be OK with it all and should just accept it.

It's coming up to six months for me and feel like I'm at least functioning again, if not happy yet. Totally agree about seeing a counsellor, went for an appointment for the first time last week and it was like having a tremendous weight lifted. Wished I'd done it sooner. I almost felt physically lighter when I left. Been carrying a lot of guilt about it all and for my daughter even though I was a total passenger in the whole thing. As the counsellor pointed out, you can never win against an affair - he brings her flowers, you bring her flowers, she will think his are better. There is nothing that could have been done or to feel guilt for.

The assumption in society is it's mostly men that are narcissists, but there are just as many women, which just isn't acknowledged. Went round to her house to see my daughter last week and the ex spent the time smirking at the messages arriving from her boyfriend. I thought god, she just doesn't give a toss about anyone except herself. At least I know her latest squeeze actually means nothing and will also be discarded given time. Best thing is just not to see or be around her.

Please don't carry regret for not keeping your emotions in check, you're not a machine - those ten years meant something, at least to you. Keeping emotions in just made me ill - I see that now. At least now things seem to be getting brighter as more time gets between now and those dark days. Here's to getting back to happier days! Cheers.
Reply
#43
Thanks nibbler, I’m glad you’re getting there too. I’m by no means out of the woods yet, I dropped kids off today at the old family home, and nearly all traces of me are gone, all her new clothes and underwear hanging to dry, all for the new blokes benefit, I walk past out old bedroom that she now sleeps with someone else in, and it still hurts like hell. It’s not the seperation from her, it’s the cold callousness of her actions towards me that hurt, I could just never treat someone like that.

She asked if I was ok and I nearly blurted out, of course I’m not ok you selfish cold bitch, you’re shagging someone you’ve known throughout our relationship in our family home!! But I didn’t, I smiled, said I was fine and went home and cried. Which, as sad as it sounds is progress.

You are right about it being a familiar scenario , and if I’m honest I always think she had it in her to do this. Pretty sure she did the same to her ex, I think with the same bloke she’s seeing now. I look at my friends wives and just couldn’t imagine them doing the same thing, there always something not quite right about my wife, very flirty, she just needs a man to make her feel good about herself and I think this was always bound to happen. I wouldn’t be suprised if all our ex’s have similar traits which make them able to do what they’ve done.

At least they’re someone else’s problem now.
Reply
#44
"just couldn’t imagine them doing the same thing"

I feel for you but believe it or not what you have just said above is a really good sign. That means you haven't lost trust in women like I have and in time you will move on.

I now have a trust issue with the opposite sex and believe me it is something I have been struggling for the past year. It is a real emotional hurdle to overcome and I dont know when/if I will get over. Count yourself lucky you don't have that issue at least.
Reply
#45
Great update Rob, you are coming out of this the better man, and the better person, do yourself a favour and don't go in the old house unless you absolutely need to. You being happy (or at least looking it) and moving on to the next stage of your life is the best 'revenge'.... she will roux the day she did this to you...
Reply
#46
It's not easy at all the thought of another fella in your old home where your kids are sleeping drives me potty I can tell you. But it's true I've only just started taking a step back ( 1year on) and thinking about the bigger picture, that to me means spending as much time as possible with my kids and when I don't have them I've just begun a training program to do a charity boxing event. I've found keeping busy is definitely the key and a punchbag defo helps too ha ha .
Good luck fella and again this forum is brilliant really helps .
Reply
#47
(04-01-2018, 09:40 AM)Trimmer78 Wrote: It's not easy at all the thought of another fella in your old home where your kids are sleeping drives me potty I can tell you. But it's true I've only just started taking a step back ( 1year on) and thinking about the bigger picture, that to me means spending as much time as possible with my kids and when I don't have them I've just begun a training program to do a charity boxing event. I've found keeping busy is definitely the key and a punchbag defo helps too ha ha .
Good luck fella and again this forum is brilliant really helps .

Hearing everyone's stories helps me for sure.

Lost / lonely / scared to be by myself / snappy and a general loss of life direction - as things I'm left with.

£35,000 / new car / half the content of our home / village life I provided / children's friend network / new man (wealthy) / buying my children - all things I see going on in the other house.
Reply


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  Instructed my solicitor finally – What to expect next? Sector78G 161 81,740 08-08-2020, 09:16 PM
Last Post: Astroman
  Finally light in the tunnel pazzer1973 7 4,015 10-23-2018, 07:51 PM
Last Post: pazzer1973
  Newly Seperated, Just got the courage to post Dooley1927 5 3,691 01-21-2018, 08:37 PM
Last Post: Charlie7000
Question It's Finally Happened Paisley1 3 4,612 07-31-2016, 06:56 PM
Last Post: johnwtaylor1980



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)