01-17-2018, 04:14 PM
Hi All,
I've been lurking on the forum for the past year, since my ex first seriously suggested separating, and this is my first post. Apologies if it’s rambling and I’m sure you’ve heard similar a million time before. The stories on here have really helped me, and I'm still amazed how our ex’s can go from wife to cold heated ex so quickly.
I thought I was coping Ok until today…so here goes. I know this is of no help to any of you, but it might help to know I’m in a similar positon, similar age etc to a number of you. And I know how much it sucks.
Wife and I were together 10 years, met on holiday and I moved 300 miles to be with her when she became pregnant 2 years later. We were married 6 years and have 2 kids, 5 and 7. Like most of you I would have stayed and tried to make it work, despite the fact she is very controlling and criticised everything I did. The familiar story of she gets annoyed that she does everything, but nothing I do is ever good enough. Like a lot of you I’m a very hands on dad, do as much childcare and housework as she does, probably more as she works longer hours. Our problem was bickering, she’s very critical and snappy and I react to it, so seemed to be in a perpetual argument.
We went to counselling in which the councillor took me to one said and said I’m fighting a losing battle. She then she spent the entire 6 months we were supposed to be working on our relationship being even more moody, miserable and critical than normal. I now realise nothing you try means anything once they get that separation idea in their head.
6 months ago she decided it was over. I knew the relationship had problems, but like most dads we have a lot more to lose, kids, family home etc, and so was more determined to make it work. We then lived together until the end of December when I moved into my new house, which backs on to my old street, she bought me out and stayed in the family home. This was so I could see the kids everyday and have a 'friends' relationship rather than husband / wife.
The plan was to move out on Jan 12th, but the ex decided we needed to tell the kids about our separation 2 days after Xmas, and like others have said it was the hardest thing I have ever done. The fact they could see my new house over the road made a huge difference, but it was still a dreadful event. My ex even snapped at me when she though she saw a tear in my eye. I’m not ashamed to admit I cried for 3 days straight. I had never experience physical pain caused by emotions until then, my heart literally hurt! The loss of all my future plans, the kids stability of one family home, and the thought of a life ahead of complications. But mainly, feeling so sorry for the kids that they were the unlucky ones, the ones whos parent couldn’t make it work. I would die for my children, so why couldn’t I put up with my wife for them??
Since then I’ve been over to see them everyday to either take them to school or take take them to their various clubs etc, and 2 nights a week they stay at mine. As naive as this sounds I was determined that we would be the exception, genuine friendship and co-parenting in best interest of kids, 2 happy parents etc.
It’s still the hardest thing ever as not living with your kids is pretty tough. Every minute you spend on your own that you would normally be with the kids is heart wrenching. But it was going OK and I felt quite positive a lot of the time. On a few occasions I was suspicious she was seeing someone, little things I noticed when going over, like her buying food she didn’t normally eat, open bottle of wine in fridge and washing up for 2. I found out she’d been on a blind date, but she swore she hated it and realised she wasn’t ready. So I thought I had a bit of time to get used to the new arrangement before I had to worry about new boyfriends etc, although I was still suspicious.
Today when I dropped the kids bags off after dropping them at school I can across some boxer shorts on the bedroom floor (I’ll admit I had a snoop in her room, I know that’s wrong, but the paranoia took over)
I rang her and she admitted she had been seeing someone since Christmas, a week before I moved out. I was upset because she had lied to me on so many occasions about it, and I felt completely humiliated that she had been sneaking around behind my back, and also forced me out and told the kids sooner than expected because she had obviously met this new man. Also, that she was doing this across the road in the kids house, it just felt very disrespectful. And then there’s the pure jealousy that she is sleeping with someone else so soon, I couldn’t even comprehend being with someone else at this point.
So that brings me to today, I thought I couldn’t feel any lower than I have and now this. My daughter said she though my house was a bit small last night, my ex kept the big family home and comments like that are hard enough to hear, but finding out about my ex seeing someone else on top has brought me to a new low. She actually went on her fisrt date with him the same I haven’t covered myself in glory today, lots of texts to the ex about how hurt and upset I am, I know this needs to stop.
I know I have it better than a lot of guys on here seeing the kid everyday, but could really do with some advice on how to cope - am I over reacting. Her feeling is we’re not together anymore and she can have a private life. Which I agree with, but why do I feel so angry, hurt, jealous and upset about it.
And do the feelings of failure go? 43 and living on my own in small house. Not what I had planned.
This forum seems a real help to a lot of people, so looking forward to some advice and to hopefully help others in a similar situation
Cheers
I've been lurking on the forum for the past year, since my ex first seriously suggested separating, and this is my first post. Apologies if it’s rambling and I’m sure you’ve heard similar a million time before. The stories on here have really helped me, and I'm still amazed how our ex’s can go from wife to cold heated ex so quickly.
I thought I was coping Ok until today…so here goes. I know this is of no help to any of you, but it might help to know I’m in a similar positon, similar age etc to a number of you. And I know how much it sucks.
Wife and I were together 10 years, met on holiday and I moved 300 miles to be with her when she became pregnant 2 years later. We were married 6 years and have 2 kids, 5 and 7. Like most of you I would have stayed and tried to make it work, despite the fact she is very controlling and criticised everything I did. The familiar story of she gets annoyed that she does everything, but nothing I do is ever good enough. Like a lot of you I’m a very hands on dad, do as much childcare and housework as she does, probably more as she works longer hours. Our problem was bickering, she’s very critical and snappy and I react to it, so seemed to be in a perpetual argument.
We went to counselling in which the councillor took me to one said and said I’m fighting a losing battle. She then she spent the entire 6 months we were supposed to be working on our relationship being even more moody, miserable and critical than normal. I now realise nothing you try means anything once they get that separation idea in their head.
6 months ago she decided it was over. I knew the relationship had problems, but like most dads we have a lot more to lose, kids, family home etc, and so was more determined to make it work. We then lived together until the end of December when I moved into my new house, which backs on to my old street, she bought me out and stayed in the family home. This was so I could see the kids everyday and have a 'friends' relationship rather than husband / wife.
The plan was to move out on Jan 12th, but the ex decided we needed to tell the kids about our separation 2 days after Xmas, and like others have said it was the hardest thing I have ever done. The fact they could see my new house over the road made a huge difference, but it was still a dreadful event. My ex even snapped at me when she though she saw a tear in my eye. I’m not ashamed to admit I cried for 3 days straight. I had never experience physical pain caused by emotions until then, my heart literally hurt! The loss of all my future plans, the kids stability of one family home, and the thought of a life ahead of complications. But mainly, feeling so sorry for the kids that they were the unlucky ones, the ones whos parent couldn’t make it work. I would die for my children, so why couldn’t I put up with my wife for them??
Since then I’ve been over to see them everyday to either take them to school or take take them to their various clubs etc, and 2 nights a week they stay at mine. As naive as this sounds I was determined that we would be the exception, genuine friendship and co-parenting in best interest of kids, 2 happy parents etc.
It’s still the hardest thing ever as not living with your kids is pretty tough. Every minute you spend on your own that you would normally be with the kids is heart wrenching. But it was going OK and I felt quite positive a lot of the time. On a few occasions I was suspicious she was seeing someone, little things I noticed when going over, like her buying food she didn’t normally eat, open bottle of wine in fridge and washing up for 2. I found out she’d been on a blind date, but she swore she hated it and realised she wasn’t ready. So I thought I had a bit of time to get used to the new arrangement before I had to worry about new boyfriends etc, although I was still suspicious.
Today when I dropped the kids bags off after dropping them at school I can across some boxer shorts on the bedroom floor (I’ll admit I had a snoop in her room, I know that’s wrong, but the paranoia took over)
I rang her and she admitted she had been seeing someone since Christmas, a week before I moved out. I was upset because she had lied to me on so many occasions about it, and I felt completely humiliated that she had been sneaking around behind my back, and also forced me out and told the kids sooner than expected because she had obviously met this new man. Also, that she was doing this across the road in the kids house, it just felt very disrespectful. And then there’s the pure jealousy that she is sleeping with someone else so soon, I couldn’t even comprehend being with someone else at this point.
So that brings me to today, I thought I couldn’t feel any lower than I have and now this. My daughter said she though my house was a bit small last night, my ex kept the big family home and comments like that are hard enough to hear, but finding out about my ex seeing someone else on top has brought me to a new low. She actually went on her fisrt date with him the same I haven’t covered myself in glory today, lots of texts to the ex about how hurt and upset I am, I know this needs to stop.
I know I have it better than a lot of guys on here seeing the kid everyday, but could really do with some advice on how to cope - am I over reacting. Her feeling is we’re not together anymore and she can have a private life. Which I agree with, but why do I feel so angry, hurt, jealous and upset about it.
And do the feelings of failure go? 43 and living on my own in small house. Not what I had planned.
This forum seems a real help to a lot of people, so looking forward to some advice and to hopefully help others in a similar situation
Cheers