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#11
That's great that you ended up with 50/50, that's how it should be.

I pick them up from school Friday pm and do school run Monday and Tuesday every other week, to be fair to the school , they know the situation and often make a concerted effort to inform me of school events and encouraged me to be on mailing list etc. Which I am now, it certainly feels that they go out of their way to make sure I'm in the know with things.

Problem is ex does not let me know anything and as I don't do school runs as much, I find stuff out afterwards in school newsletters. Prime example was Christmas play, strictly 2 tickets per family, the Friday I pick them up was suddenly changed to mum having to get them as she needed to take them to a friend's for 'something' but it would only take 30 minutes and I could get them from her afterwards, thought it was a bit strange but said ok. Turned out she rushed to school to take the 2 tickets for her and boyfriend as the newsletter was going out that day and she wanted to get in there before I found out about tickets. Spoke to school about this and they gave me 3 tickets.

Loads of.other stuff too like being last on list of emergency contacts, which I've changed to parents being first contacts, which school seemed more than happy to change making a comment saying that is how it should be.

No communication from the ex about school at all, I had to find out everything myself which really rubbed her nose in it when I turn up to parents evening which she didn't think I knew about, she was very annoyed about that

When we were together, I attended all parents evenings alone, she was focusing on her career so I ended up being a house husband and doing all the school things, but now she's settled with her boyfriend, he seems to be the replacement dad where he's attending my kids school over me being there etc.

I've done my best to make sure that I'm involved and the teachers have helped with that

I just want things to be amicable and on face value they are, but only on the ex's terms, where she calls the shots and says what is happening and I should be grateful with the contact she gives me.

She said one day that I dropped the kids off to school.wkthout scarves and gloves and it was a cold day and the kids were shivering cold, apparently she's making notes about this kind of stuff (veiled threat)
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#12
Have you ever written an introductory letter to school about PR? If not you could just drop the headteacher an email (even though they already know you). Something along the lines of. "Just to confirm Joe's Mother and I have equal parental responsibility and I would be grateful if you could keep me updated on any concerns for Joe if they occur, school events, letters to parents, parents evenings and copies of reports. I already receive the school newsletter but occasionally a letter to parents gives earlier information. With regard to events such as school plays with two tickets per family, Joe has two families, and I would be grateful if two tickets for each of his families could be allocated please, so both his Mother and I can attend with respective partners. Likewise I would prefer to attend parents evening at a separate time to Joe's Mother if possible please."

That last bit may depend on how the school works. Here they offer you an appointment time over two days. At secondary school there may only be one parents evening for all.

As for the scarves and gloves. School usually have spares if some are forgotten and if it's a one off thing it's not a big deal - and hardly court-worthy. In it's the other way round here. Mother sends him in thin coats and no wellies sometimes.

Changeover of clothes is always tricky but just have spare hats and gloves for bad days - getting them back again can be tricky. And really she should provide them so he should arrive with them -but there are occasions when they arrive in good weather and go back in bad weather next morning.

Shouldn't worry about her keeping records about minor things like that. But maybe you should make notes too!

You don't actually need to communicate with ex about school matters as long as school keeps you informed. But similar situation here - ex trying to replace with her Husband as the Dad and only family. Just keep in there. You're the Dad. For some reason, instead of seeing it that the kids have two families (which is the case) an ex with "residence" sees it that they are the family and you are some bloke they visit.
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#13
Thanks for all the advice so far, really appreciate it

Just had a message of the ex demanding my shift patterns as she says that when it's my long weekend and I'm at work it's not fair on the kids

She said that I can drop them off and pick them up from her when I have to go into work!

That's ludicrous to me, I live with my partner and we both work it together and have done for 12 to 18 months so far

Ex has got the hump saying that she doesn't want them to be on our home unless I'm there, I don't dictate to her about when they stay with her and if her boyfriend has them etc.

We provide a loving home for the kids, both me and my partner, it seems unfair on the kids to deny them a second loving home

I work shifts, 6 on 3 off with a mixture of earlies and lates, but it's worked so far with having kids

She has already told me, when I asked for more time in the week, as there is a 10 day gap between seeing them, to which she said 'no', and that the current arrangement works for her and she's not changing it

How does it work with having them, my partner loves the kids and they love her, I have to work but it's not like I'm away for the whole long weekend in have them, still get school runs done between me and my partner

The ex's boyfriend does school runs but I'm not messaging her saying to drop them off with me if she has to work etc

I want to go for 50/50 access, but surely people have to work, the kids are happy being here with us.

Isn't it a case of managing my time with them and sorting the logistics out my end of things?

For those that ended up with 50/50, how did it go with managing work etc?
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