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Newly Seperated, Just got the courage to post
#1
Hi Guys,

I need to rant / seek advice, anything really that will help this hurt and anger go away.

I have been with my partner for about 4 years (she is 8 years younger than me) and we have a daughter who turned 1 on Monday 15th. We had been looking at wedding venues as a precursor to me proposing as we both knew I was going to do it (I had even ordered the ring). 

My ex also started her new job on our daughters birthday and everything was fine. Then Tuesday she comes home from work and tells me she doesn't want to be with me anymore but we will talk later in the week and see if we make it final. 

Anyway Friday comes and she goes out for drinks with her work mates and comes home to get ready to go back out with them. She glams herself up and goes out. 9AM comes about Saturday and she is still not home. Anyway she comes home and tells me we are separated and I over hear her talking to her friend about Scott (not me) and what happened with him to which she replied Ill tell you about it in person. When I asked her if there was someone else she stated their wasn't but clearly there is.

It is amicable between us and I am moving back in with my parents (who have been amazing but at 30 its a bit embarrassing) just so I can get my finances in order as i have racked up a lot of debt during the relationship and then get some money together to get my own place. I am staying on the mortgage and paying half as I dont want to let the house go and i will be having my daughter 3 / 4 days a week so I am really happy with that but I just need some advice from people who are single parents as well (my friends have been amazing but they dont have this experience).

How do I let this anger go about this Scott (she may not have slept with him but it is likely and if so do i even have a right to be angry considering she believed we weren't together, I just feel so disrespected by it) and the real one im struggling with is how I can let this feeling go that Im letting my daughter down, I just cant shake it out of my head. I will have her on a Saturday so I plan to do something fun with her every time whether that be going to the zoo or swimming or even playing in the house but I cant help but think Ive failed her and it is literally crushing me inside. 

Im devastated and heartbroken about mine and my partners relationship as this is my first real relationship and 1st real break up but the thought of not seeing my daughter everyday is killing me. 

Any help is greatly apreciated.

Simon
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#2
One day you will thank your lucky stars that you didn’t marry her.

One way to aid recovery is to ask yourself why do I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. It does help.

As it is your first serious relationship and first break up it will undoubtly be hard but please be assured that it will get better. It is impossible to break up and not feel anything. The tears and frustration and sometimes anger are essential steps to recovery as without those we would be zombies with no feelings. It’s like a process you have to go through.

If you are to remain in you child’s life then you have NOT failed her. The majority of relationships fail and is is now the new normal for children to have separated parents.

The general advice on here is not to move out. Stay until concrete decisions have been made on the house. Whilst you may have a desire to keep it is that the right decision long term? To be stuck in a joint mortgage means you likely can not buy again without paying stamp duty and the private rental market is best avoided. Could she buy you out, should the house be sold? Think about these things before making decisions.

Experiences on here have shown that once you move out you may come to see a very different side of your ex and that things will no longer be amicable.
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#3
There's no reason why you should move out immediately. If you do, then why isn't she paying the full mortgage.
It won't help with how you feel but I would see a solicitor as soon as possible.
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#4
I know what you mean when you say you feel like you are failing your little daughter, I felt this way for some time when I separated from my ex. But remind yourself that it is not you who wants to separate, you are doing everything you can to keep the relationship intact. You can only control what's within your control, and you cannot control what your ex partner does.

So don't knock yourself for the situation, the only part that is within your control is how you go forward and care for your daughter, what your ex does is her responsibility. The fact you are on this forum posting shows that you do care for her and will do what it takes.
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#5
Hi Simon,

I don’t believe there are any quick fixes for the anger, just time, and trying to let it go. It only hurts you, and as a lot on here are experiencing you’ll find over the next few weeks how cold they can be, she will make you feel as though it all meant nothing, I speak from experience when I say getting angry, as justified as it is, only makes you look bad in their eyes and will help them justify what they have done.

Staying amicable is the goal, but it’s hard when there is upset, betrayal etc, just try not to show it to them if you can, cry in private and to friends and family.

Not seeing your child everyday is utterly heart breaking, don’t fight it, it’s natural to feel terrible and don’t be ashamed. I dont think I had cried since watching ET as a kid, but I cried everyday for 2 weeks after I left the family home. Thought I was better, then found out my ex had started seeing someone , and I’ve cried everyday since. It’s hard and I think you just need to accept it will be shit for a while, just got to ride it out. But keep yourself busy, don’t mope about or lie in bed , do things you enjoy, see friends and make new ones, just try not to dwell too much on the bad stuff. And when you feel shit post on here, it really does help.
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#6
I would also suggest staying in the house for now. You can live in separate areas if necessary. As Hazy says, it can turn unpleasant once you move out and want to see your child - as she then has all the power and it will all be on her terms. It's quite common for an ex to make it very difficult to see your child especially if they're in a new relationship.

If you stay there and it's amicable you could go to mediation and draw up a 50/50 shared care agreement for your daughter which can be put into a consent order. Then if and when you move out, you know you will get to see your daughter and when. I wouldn't do anything on trust and promises at the moment.
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