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New user, help needed
#1
Good Afternoon all, 

I am a new user and in need of some guidance if possible. I have a 2 year old son and have had a very on off relationship with my now ex partner. We have split up and got back together many times ( although not the correct person for me i wanted to keep my family together) However when we have split up the arrangement we have always had was i would have my son over night a Tuesday and a Wednesday ( he is at nursery both days during the week ) and then 1 night at the weekend which is a Friday 1 week and Saturday the next. I would take my son back to his mother at 4pm the following day at the weekends. 

This is fantastic access and i was lucky with this but things have changed for the worse. 

We ended things for good around 4 months ago and i have since met someone else, i had kept this quiet until only a few weeks ago where i explained i had met someone else. I have messages from around 6 weeks ago stating ' she would never stop my days or stop me seeing my son, she has friends who have been denied access to their children and would never do that to me' also messages stating she knows my son needs me just as much as he needs her etc. 

However when i explained that i had moved on and met someone else things changed. My son goes to nursery which is 2 minutes from my home and about a 10-15 minute drive from my ex but she passes it on the way to her work, we chose this nursery together when we were together as we both lived in my flat. She has since said that my days are changing and going to 2 days a week ( 1 night during the week and 1 night at the weekend ) and this has been the case for the last 3 weeks. 

I text her asking her to meet up at the weekend there to discuss like adults his birthday arrangements ( which is in march ) holidays for the summer and i was going to approach the subject of putting my days back to 3 days a week. she had agreed to meet up initially but then changed her mind at the weekend saying she had no interest in meeting with me, stated that if i wanted to ask something i can text her 'and it would be considered'.  The weekend that has just past i was due to have my son Saturday night but she simply said that i was not to have him and didn't give me a reason at first. She said she had been to see a lawyer and knew her rights as a mother etc and that she would see me in court. I haven't done a thing for her to react in this manner. The reason she gave me for not seeing him was that she does not trust me and the company i keep him in as he went back to her home the other week and was saying 'shut up' which she states i taught him. Now my son is getting good with his words etc but can't speak fluently just yet, but this is total lies and a false accusation. I have taught my son to say sit up when i am getting him ready and granted it does sound a bit like shut up the way he says it. 

Now she has messaged today to say that his nursery is now changed and he won't go there anymore and my CSA is going up ( i have already spoken with them so i know the situatuon with that) however she has now changed nursery without speaking with me. the new nursery is only around a 20 mins drive but will be nearer her which is the reason for change, i am not happy that the stability aspect is being affected as he came on leaps and bounds in the time he has been there but now will be taken out of there and in with children he does not know and will potentially set him back rather than keep him where he is. She has also said that i have not to see him tonight either without giving me a reason.

So i guess the reason for me being on here today is for some assistance, advice, guidance as my head is all over the place. I have a lawyers appointment tomorrow but my worry is that if this does go down the court routes that i won't get him 2 days a week which was the agreement recently that tht would be reduced even though for almost 2 years it was always agreed 3 nights. 

I apologise for the war and peace but if anyone can give me any hints or tips it would be greatly appreciated. 

Thank You
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#2
You will get some great help on here mate.

I'd suggest the new lady in your life is the reason she's doing this to you.
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#3
(01-22-2018, 01:35 PM)Tom_W88 Wrote: You will get some great help on here mate.

I'd suggest the new lady in your life is the reason she's doing this to you.

Thanks mate i really hope so ! 

I think so to but her actions are extremely drastic and hurting my son in the process as he's not getting to see his dad
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#4
First of all, youve had him 3 nights a week and she has reduced it, do not accept this!!!! otherwise it becomes normal and you have to fight for every inch back. Let her know that its not acceptable to change and that you do not agree, do it so you can show it in court. For that matter, accept that every word, every text, every phone call is going to be shown in court so start being clever. If you think there is any chance of negotiating then try but through bitter experience Ive found this never works [especially when new partners turn up]. Im not saying go straight to court, just keep in mind from now on that whatever happens you may need to prove in court one day, so get smart right quick, and start recording everything in a format admissible in court.
Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

On a personal note, make sure your new lady is fully aware and communicate. She needs to know shes in for the ride of a lifetime too, if I knew about this I would not have found someone new yet, its been 7 months so I cant just walk away.
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#5
(01-22-2018, 02:09 PM)Naive Wrote: First of all, youve had him 3 nights a week and she has reduced it, do not accept this!!!! otherwise it becomes normal and you have to fight for every inch back. Let her know that its not acceptable to change and that you do not agree, do it so you can show it in court. For that matter, accept that every word, every text, every phone call is going to be shown in court so start being clever. If you think there is any chance of negotiating then try but through bitter experience Ive found this never works [especially when new partners turn up]. Im not saying go straight to court, just keep in mind from now on that whatever happens you may need to prove in court one day, so get smart right quick, and start recording everything in a format admissible in court.
Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

On a personal note, make sure your new lady is fully aware and communicate. She needs to know shes in for the ride of a lifetime too, if I knew about this I would not have found someone new yet, its been 7 months so I cant just walk away.

I couldn't agree more, and when she has been messaging ( clearly angry ) calling me names etc i have not responded as she is clearly wanting an argument and for me to fight back but like you said everything can be used in court. When she has reduced my days from 3-2 in the past i have got in on record that there is no reason for this. She states that he gets passed from pillar to post which is nonsense as the arrangement has always been my father and his grandfather would collect him from nursery at 5 as i finish at 6.30 every second week and feed him etc until i am home, when i am a 9-5 the following week i collect him myself. My family have been a rock for both of us as my ex's family have lived in spain for most of his life and have not bothered but now they are back on the scene and living here she asks them to watch my son when we are both working and my parents are left in limbo when they have here from the first day. If it does go to court do you think i have any chance of keeping at least 2 nights a week ?
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#6
(01-22-2018, 02:07 PM)darren1587 Wrote:
(01-22-2018, 01:35 PM)Tom_W88 Wrote: You will get some great help on here mate.

I'd suggest the new lady in your life is the reason she's doing this to you.

Thanks mate i really hope so ! 

I think so to but her actions are extremely drastic and hurting my son in the process as he's not getting to see his dad

Women are horrible mate, broke my heart splitting up with my kids mother, and then to be finding out she's been sleeping with a married man she met at the pub she was supposedly working at.

It will be that reason, I'd like to say she will clock on she's hurting your son not letting him see you and stop but doubtful.
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#7
(01-22-2018, 02:19 PM)darren1587 Wrote:
(01-22-2018, 02:09 PM)Naive Wrote: First of all, youve had him 3 nights a week and she has reduced it, do not accept this!!!! otherwise it becomes normal and you have to fight for every inch back. Let her know that its not acceptable to change and that you do not agree, do it so you can show it in court. For that matter, accept that every word, every text, every phone call is going to be shown in court so start being clever. If you think there is any chance of negotiating then try but through bitter experience Ive found this never works [especially when new partners turn up]. Im not saying go straight to court, just keep in mind from now on that whatever happens you may need to prove in court one day, so get smart right quick, and start recording everything in a format admissible in court.
Hope for the best, plan for the worst.

On a personal note, make sure your new lady is fully aware and communicate. She needs to know shes in for the ride of a lifetime too, if I knew about this I would not have found someone new yet, its been 7 months so I cant just walk away.

I couldn't agree more, and when she has been messaging ( clearly angry ) calling me names etc i have not responded as she is clearly wanting an argument and for me to fight back but like you said everything can be used in court. When she has reduced my days from 3-2 in the past i have got in on record that there is no reason for this. She states that he gets passed from pillar to post which is nonsense as the arrangement has always been my father and his grandfather would collect him from nursery at 5 as i finish at 6.30 every second week and feed him etc until i am home, when i am a 9-5 the following week i collect him myself. My family have been a rock for both of us as my ex's family have lived in spain for most of his life and have not bothered but now they are back on the scene and living here she asks them to watch my son when we are both working and my parents are left in limbo when they have here from the first day. If it does go to court do you think i have any chance of keeping at least 2 nights a week ?

If there are no [real] concerns about welfare and safety, and you can prove beyond a doubt the previous arrangement was 3 nights, and you have parental responsibility, and you can refute the barrage of accusations she'll fling at you then yes you have every chance of at least keeping the two days. If she claims there is too much back and forth you might have to compromise on which nights, for the interest of your child.
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#8
Get to mediation mate
She agreed to almost 50:50 care
You got a new woman and she reduced it - its for her to justify why
As you have no court order or child arrangement order (and assume you have parental responsibility... you have equal rights)
Mediation and if you can't agree go to court... take a history of what you used to do and also things like change of nursery with no discussion, short term access blocking etc etc etc

Kids pick up on all sort of words ... have a look at Alan Davis comedian about his 2 year saying 'F*ck' (very funny) and don't worry about it anyway... not a reason to stop you contact

Sort it out lad, law is on your side

Or work it out to suit you both .. we all think everyone has a M-F 9-5 job but in reality, if you are working shifts or nights etc, you can do it so you split 3 days then 4 days.. or alternate weeks, or with agreement you do all weekends and she does week days .... anything is possible ... agreement is better than court order but even then it should stop this access manipulation from your ex overnight
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#9
(01-22-2018, 03:58 PM)LTCDAD Wrote: Get to mediation mate
She agreed to almost 50:50 care
You got a new woman and she reduced it - its for her to justify why
As you have no court order or child arrangement order (and assume you have parental responsibility... you have equal rights)
Mediation and if you can't agree go to court... take a history of what you used to do and also things like change of nursery with no discussion, short term access blocking etc etc etc

Kids pick up on all sort of words ... have a look at Alan Davis comedian about his 2 year saying 'F*ck' (very funny) and don't worry about it anyway... not a reason to stop you contact

Sort it out lad, law is on your side

Thanks for your reply mate much appreciated ! I have read on here a lot of ex partners reject the offer of mediation so if that fails then it's court then am i right ? I have a lawyers appointment booked for tomorrow morning and is a free consultation just to find out what i can do in the short term. She has messaged today to say i can have him on friday so i'm assuming she is going down the lines of i can have the minimum 1 night a week but she is not technically stopping me seeing him. 

I do have parental responsibility 100%, her reasons for reducing it is she says she wants him in more of a routine and some stability  (that was when changing it from 3 nights a week to 2 nights ) i even suggested to her one week i have 2 nights during the week and 1 at the weekend and then the following week to have him no nights during the week and then friday night back sunday dinner time ( this is due to me being a later shift and finishing at 6.30 that week ) 

is she allowed to change the nursery without discussing it with me ? she keeps repeating how she is his primary guardian and she is with him more and has him more than i do as i only have him 2 nights

Apologies again i am just so new to all of this and feel like i don't have a clue !
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#10
(01-22-2018, 04:10 PM)darren1587 Wrote:
(01-22-2018, 03:58 PM)LTCDAD Wrote: Get to mediation mate
She agreed to almost 50:50 care
You got a new woman and she reduced it - its for her to justify why
As you have no court order or child arrangement order (and assume you have parental responsibility... you have equal rights)
Mediation and if you can't agree go to court... take a history of what you used to do and also things like change of nursery with no discussion, short term access blocking etc etc etc

Kids pick up on all sort of words ... have a look at Alan Davis comedian about his 2 year saying 'F*ck' (very funny) and don't worry about it anyway... not a reason to stop you contact

Sort it out lad, law is on your side

Thanks for your reply mate much appreciated ! I have read on here a lot of ex partners reject the offer of mediation so if that fails then it's court then am i right ? I have a lawyers appointment booked for tomorrow morning and is a free consultation just to find out what i can do in the short term. She has messaged today to say i can have him on friday so i'm assuming she is going down the lines of i can have the minimum 1 night a week but she is not technically stopping me seeing him. 

I do have parental responsibility 100%, her reasons for reducing it is she says she wants him in more of a routine and some stability  (that was when changing it from 3 nights a week to 2 nights ) i even suggested to her one week i have 2 nights during the week and 1 at the weekend and then the following week to have him no nights during the week and then friday night back sunday dinner time ( this is due to me being a later shift and finishing at 6.30 that week ) 

is she allowed to change the nursery without discussing it with me ? she keeps repeating how she is his primary guardian and she is with him more and has him more than i do as i only have him 2 nights

Apologies again i am just so new to all of this and feel like i don't have a clue !

She's messing around with you there, I would perhaps speak to the Nursery and find out if she has actually spoken to the school over it.

If i had my way with my own kids, I would love for them to be moved to a school local to me.
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