Thread Rating:
  • 0 Vote(s) - 0 Average
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
Current GF of Separated Dad Needing Advice
#1
Heart 
Hello everyone!

My name is Danielle and I need advice. I have been going with with my current partner since Aug 2016. My partner used to be married to his wife of 5 years, they had been together for 12 in total and they have a 4 year old son. The reason their marriage disintegrated was down to the fact that she had an affair, Christmas 2015 and she is still seeing that person to this day. I had never met my partner until June 2016 as I had come back from traveling abroad and had taken my old job back as a manager at a bar where he also worked as a chef. Things went well, he introduced me to his son after 3 months of dating and to the rest of his family. 

In April 2017, his wife came to him saying her 'partner' was being verbally and physically abusive to her, they consoled each other and reminisced over their previous relationship thus ending with them sleeping together the same night, I found out the day after as they seemingly played happy families as I dropped by to visit him and realized something was immediately wrong as her car was outside but she was in the house and she never steps a foot in the house.

Since then we were on and off until October 2017 as I had trust issues and found myself of accusing him of doing things he wasn't really doing due to paranoia and I kept thinking to myself, the reason I took him back was because of the circumstances. If it had been any other woman I would have walked away, but because it was her, it's worse yet I can understand why he did it, for the fact he lost that stable family life he once had, where it was wife, son, family dog, the car and the house. He lost it all because of her, and in that one brief moment of insanity of thinking he could possibly have this all back with her, or did he just do it because he could, to prove a point that it's not on her own terms, she can't just pick and decides when and where she wants him. 

From October onwards, we have been stable and committed, we want a life together, to travel, to buy a home together, we have our first pet together now, good jobs, stable incomes and we'll see what the future beholds.

But what I really need advice for, is that today as of 27th January 2018, I have witnessed first hand what it is like when a mother stops a father from seeing his child because of money - CSA - Child Maintenance.

The bar we both used to work at was tax evading, not paying National Insurance and more importantly, child maintenance. Hundreds of pounds have been deducted from my partners wages, we have proof from his employer of how much deductions were taken in text messages, screenshots on Whatsapp, false wageslips and there is nothing on file from our workplace with either HMRC or CSA, so now it's under investigation.

Week before - 27th January 2018
Messages on WhatsApp from Ex Wife - 'I haven't heard anything from CSA - You're fucking useless - No Pay No See'

Day of - 27th January 2018
Text message - Are you having ***** today?
Reply back - You said no pay no see?
Phonecall - (recorded phone call from my phone for evidence) she admits to no pay no see.
Response: Okay just drop him off.
Text message 1 hour later - just having some lunch, will be there soon.

Arrival: I'm sitting in the living room and we see the car pull up and I say  '****** here!'
Partner opens door and greets his son who is smiling, laughing and giggling down path towards him, he's missed him. 
***** takes off coat and comes into living room, I ask him how was swimming and school (I hear argument brewing at front door) I go to put cartoons on, hear it getting louder so I go to check everything is okay, she has her foot in the door and refuses to leave until she can speak to him, he's too angry to speak to her so asks her to her remove foot and leave. She then starts to fight her way past him saying she is taking ***** home. I am asked by my partner to call police as she fights and scratches her way past. He was non-abusive and tried to act as a shield between her and their son. As I'm speaking to the operator I finally raise my voice at her and tell her to leave, she then screams in my face that it's none of my business and smacks me across the face. I don't retaliate other than inform the operator I've been assaulted, follow her out to the car and give the operator her reg plate.

My partner is in bits, I had never seen anything like this before and I don't know how to deal with this, what should I do, where can I get support so I can support him (not interfere), who can I speak to to find the best appropriate course of action, advise on solicitors, single parents meetings, anything to help or get a better understanding on how to manage this?

My partner is 33 and I am 26 with no children of my own, I used to be a traveling free spirit and but now I want to settle down with this guy, but I am going to have to learn how to deal with this woman should I wish to always have her play some part in my life as the mother of my partners son.

Please help! Heart
Reply
#2
(01-27-2018, 09:19 PM)daniellek91 Wrote: Hello everyone!

My name is Danielle and I need advice. I have been going with with my current partner since Aug 2016. My partner used to be married to his wife of 5 years, they had been together for 12 in total and they have a 4 year old son. The reason their marriage disintegrated was down to the fact that she had an affair, Christmas 2015 and she is still seeing that person to this day. I had never met my partner until June 2016 as I had come back from traveling abroad and had taken my old job back as a manager at a bar where he also worked as a chef. Things went well, he introduced me to his son after 3 months of dating and to the rest of his family. 

In April 2017, his wife came to him saying her 'partner' was being verbally and physically abusive to her, they consoled each other and reminisced over their previous relationship thus ending with them sleeping together the same night, I found out the day after as they seemingly played happy families as I dropped by to visit him and realized something was immediately wrong as her car was outside but she was in the house and she never steps a foot in the house.

Since then we were on and off until October 2017 as I had trust issues and found myself of accusing him of doing things he wasn't really doing due to paranoia and I kept thinking to myself, the reason I took him back was because of the circumstances. If it had been any other woman I would have walked away, but because it was her, it's worse yet I can understand why he did it, for the fact he lost that stable family life he once had, where it was wife, son, family dog, the car and the house. He lost it all because of her, and in that one brief moment of insanity of thinking he could possibly have this all back with her, or did he just do it because he could, to prove a point that it's not on her own terms, she can't just pick and decides when and where she wants him. 

From October onwards, we have been stable and committed, we want a life together, to travel, to buy a home together, we have our first pet together now, good jobs, stable incomes and we'll see what the future beholds.

But what I really need advice for, is that today as of 27th January 2018, I have witnessed first hand what it is like when a mother stops a father from seeing his child because of money - CSA - Child Maintenance.

The bar we both used to work at was tax evading, not paying National Insurance and more importantly, child maintenance. Hundreds of pounds have been deducted from my partners wages, we have proof from his employer of how much deductions were taken in text messages, screenshots on Whatsapp, false wageslips and there is nothing on file from our workplace with either HMRC or CSA, so now it's under investigation.

Week before - 27th January 2018
Messages on WhatsApp from Ex Wife - 'I haven't heard anything from CSA - You're fucking useless - No Pay No See'

Day of - 27th January 2018
Text message - Are you having ***** today?
Reply back - You said no pay no see?
Phonecall - (recorded phone call from my phone for evidence) she admits to no pay no see.
Response: Okay just drop him off.
Text message 1 hour later - just having some lunch, will be there soon.

Arrival: I'm sitting in the living room and we see the car pull up and I say  '****** here!'
Partner opens door and greets his son who is smiling, laughing and giggling down path towards him, he's missed him. 
***** takes off coat and comes into living room, I ask him how was swimming and school (I hear argument brewing at front door) I go to put cartoons on, hear it getting louder so I go to check everything is okay, she has her foot in the door and refuses to leave until she can speak to him, he's too angry to speak to her so asks her to her remove foot and leave. She then starts to fight her way past him saying she is taking ***** home. I am asked by my partner to call police as she fights and scratches her way past. He was non-abusive and tried to act as a shield between her and their son. As I'm speaking to the operator I finally raise my voice at her and tell her to leave, she then screams in my face that it's none of my business and smacks me across the face. I don't retaliate other than inform the operator I've been assaulted, follow her out to the car and give the operator her reg plate.

My partner is in bits, I had never seen anything like this before and I don't know how to deal with this, what should I do, where can I get support so I can support him (not interfere), who can I speak to to find the best appropriate course of action, advise on solicitors, single parents meetings, anything to help or get a better understanding on how to manage this?

My partner is 33 and I am 26 with no children of my own, I used to be a traveling free spirit and but now I want to settle down with this guy, but I am going to have to learn how to deal with this woman should I wish to always have her play some part in my life as the mother of my partners son.

Please help! Heart

There is a fix for this and in most areas of England, Courts will considered no need for Mediation in this situation, as its clear that contact is not going to be allowed unless they are happy with the money site of it.

In law the 2 things are not linked in anyway, and in fact Judges do not like people wanting money for contact.

The Child has rights under The Children Act of 2002, and he has Responablitys, one of them being to support the child and the case he needs to make to court, is he wants contact time to carry out his others.

Because the child is 4, the starting point of his contact would normally be every other weekend, and up to half school holidays, as Courts split the Quality Time.

Mid week contact depends on avaliablity, and if its workable etc, and might be visit, play, dinner and home or could be overnight.

If CMS are involved, then they will work out what he has to pay. They can only consider his income, not any joint benefit claims or income you have.

If you was at have a child living with you that either of you got child benefit for, it would reduce it.

They also look at contact arrangements, and its normal that with the above its the 52-104 night bracket, what also reduces it.

His ex can not stop you coming into contact with the child, unless she obtains a Prohibited Steps Order. To get this, she would have to do a Sarah's Law applicaiton, to check your background, and a PSO woudl only be make if it showed past convictions, making you a risk to a child.
Posts made by me are my opinion and any factual information should be checked out. If you do not have a Solicitor, often your local CAB can get you some initial advice.
Reply
#3
(01-27-2018, 09:19 PM)daniellek91 Wrote: Hello everyone!

My name is Danielle and I need advice. I have been going with with my current partner since Aug 2016. My partner used to be married to his wife of 5 years, they had been together for 12 in total and they have a 4 year old son. The reason their marriage disintegrated was down to the fact that she had an affair, Christmas 2015 and she is still seeing that person to this day. I had never met my partner until June 2016 as I had come back from traveling abroad and had taken my old job back as a manager at a bar where he also worked as a chef. Things went well, he introduced me to his son after 3 months of dating and to the rest of his family. 

In April 2017, his wife came to him saying her 'partner' was being verbally and physically abusive to her, they consoled each other and reminisced over their previous relationship thus ending with them sleeping together the same night, I found out the day after as they seemingly played happy families as I dropped by to visit him and realized something was immediately wrong as her car was outside but she was in the house and she never steps a foot in the house.

Since then we were on and off until October 2017 as I had trust issues and found myself of accusing him of doing things he wasn't really doing due to paranoia and I kept thinking to myself, the reason I took him back was because of the circumstances. If it had been any other woman I would have walked away, but because it was her, it's worse yet I can understand why he did it, for the fact he lost that stable family life he once had, where it was wife, son, family dog, the car and the house. He lost it all because of her, and in that one brief moment of insanity of thinking he could possibly have this all back with her, or did he just do it because he could, to prove a point that it's not on her own terms, she can't just pick and decides when and where she wants him. 

From October onwards, we have been stable and committed, we want a life together, to travel, to buy a home together, we have our first pet together now, good jobs, stable incomes and we'll see what the future beholds.

But what I really need advice for, is that today as of 27th January 2018, I have witnessed first hand what it is like when a mother stops a father from seeing his child because of money - CSA - Child Maintenance.

The bar we both used to work at was tax evading, not paying National Insurance and more importantly, child maintenance. Hundreds of pounds have been deducted from my partners wages, we have proof from his employer of how much deductions were taken in text messages, screenshots on Whatsapp, false wageslips and there is nothing on file from our workplace with either HMRC or CSA, so now it's under investigation.

Week before - 27th January 2018
Messages on WhatsApp from Ex Wife - 'I haven't heard anything from CSA - You're fucking useless - No Pay No See'

Day of - 27th January 2018
Text message - Are you having ***** today?
Reply back - You said no pay no see?
Phonecall - (recorded phone call from my phone for evidence) she admits to no pay no see.
Response: Okay just drop him off.
Text message 1 hour later - just having some lunch, will be there soon.

Arrival: I'm sitting in the living room and we see the car pull up and I say  '****** here!'
Partner opens door and greets his son who is smiling, laughing and giggling down path towards him, he's missed him. 
***** takes off coat and comes into living room, I ask him how was swimming and school (I hear argument brewing at front door) I go to put cartoons on, hear it getting louder so I go to check everything is okay, she has her foot in the door and refuses to leave until she can speak to him, he's too angry to speak to her so asks her to her remove foot and leave. She then starts to fight her way past him saying she is taking ***** home. I am asked by my partner to call police as she fights and scratches her way past. He was non-abusive and tried to act as a shield between her and their son. As I'm speaking to the operator I finally raise my voice at her and tell her to leave, she then screams in my face that it's none of my business and smacks me across the face. I don't retaliate other than inform the operator I've been assaulted, follow her out to the car and give the operator her reg plate.

My partner is in bits, I had never seen anything like this before and I don't know how to deal with this, what should I do, where can I get support so I can support him (not interfere), who can I speak to to find the best appropriate course of action, advise on solicitors, single parents meetings, anything to help or get a better understanding on how to manage this?

My partner is 33 and I am 26 with no children of my own, I used to be a traveling free spirit and but now I want to settle down with this guy, but I am going to have to learn how to deal with this woman should I wish to always have her play some part in my life as the mother of my partners son.

Please help! Heart

Ok this is clearly a legal issue, she can be legally compelled to act in a decent way. But, are they divorced, has he initiated legal action by himself to keep her under control, what does he do to keep her at arms length? If she feels comfortable enough to have 'ownership' over him and his life like this then he has to sort it and actively prove to you he has done everything possible to distance himself. She has history and your BF has already gone back once. It could just be a one off rage incident, but he needs to prove his strength and distance from her because you shouldn't have to be involved like this.

Interestingly I just got put on a 'relationship break' by my GF until I can prove my ex has no hold over my life. Hadn't thought about my ex getting violent but will consider it now......

Good luck and let us know how it goes
Reply


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread Author Replies Views Last Post
  Gf of soon to be separated dad, need advice Glosswitch 4 2,735 06-14-2018, 09:11 AM
Last Post: Glosswitch
  Will this separated dad always hurt me? Dad advice needed! SW134 4 4,543 11-29-2016, 12:29 PM
Last Post: StartingLifeAgain



Users browsing this thread: 1 Guest(s)