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Secrets and lies
#1
Hi,

How much should you tell older children, if your partner is hiding a long term relationship from them? My ex separated from me last year she left the family home and moved out to a rented house, stating that she was unhappy with me and would do nothing to try and resolve our differences. My youngest child is 15 year old daughter went with her, but stays with me nearly 50% of the time. My wife said there was no one else but I found though phone records and calling a unrecognised number that wife had been calling for 3 months prior to the separation that there was some form of relationship going on. When confronted wife, she said that he was just a male friend that was helping her with the separation, but also through in that he wanted to sleep with her but denied they had. She said that she would stop the relationship. However due to where he lives and the fact her car was being left for the whole weekend in car park near train station I was pretty sure that she hadn’t ended the relationship which has been allowed to grow as I have the children virtually every weekend since the split, 9 months ago. She has never mentioned this relationship to the kids. During mediation it has come out that not only has she been seeing him and was now her boyfriend but that he had also been gifting her a fair bit of money during the separation. I will be seeking legal advice on all this but can’t figure out how much I should be telling my children. As the other party has quite a bit to do with the end of our relationship yet hides in the background. My Children are 21, 19 and 15. I feel it’s unfair that she’s been able to be all happy and enjoy her new paid for secret life that she set up prior to the separation why I’ve been left to pick up the pieces of my life and keep everything together for the children. The children spent the whole of the summer holidays and most of Christmas with me. How much should I tell them any ideas welcome?
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#2
Don't do it.  I know you are upset about this, but this is between you and your ex. It's adult business.  Even your adult child probably doesn't want to know about it, unless they ask.  Nobody wants to find out the parent they idolised for much of their childhood is a bit of a shit.

If possible, you need to get together with your ex in mediation, put your feelings about what she has done to you to one side, and agree a story for the kids.   Remember that your kids view themselves as 50% you and 50% your ex, so if you do anything which paints your ex in a bad light, you are attacking their own view of themselves which risks messing them up psychologically.

With regards the legal situation, it's only likely to have an effect on how much spousal (NOT child - that's different) maintenance is due, if any.  If your ex is living with someone else, that reduces their income needs.
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#3
I would say don’t tell them as if your ex is to remain with this person it will all come out in the wash eventually sort of thing. They are bound to ask questions at some point if this guy eventually turns up at their house and it seems obvious that they have gone beyond ‘just met’.

Sitting them down and telling them would only cause angst towards the ex at a time when everyone is upset over the break up and achieves nothing in the long run.

If they ask, do not lie but just confirm and try not to vent at them. Let them get their heads round it in their own way. As kids, especially older ones, often reach a point in time where they do not care what went wrong but would rather just have an end position where everyone is happy including Mum and Dad.
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#4
(02-07-2018, 11:32 AM)Hazy Wrote: If they ask, do not lie but just confirm and try not to vent at them. Let them get their heads round it in their own way. As kids, especially older ones, often reach a point in time where they do not care what went wrong but would rather just have an end position where everyone is happy including Mum and Dad.

I agree with this.  I know you must feel a great sense of injustice right now, and sometimes it's tempting to want your kids to see how wronged you've been, but that is really just serving your own emotional needs (we've all been there at one point or another).  Your kids need you to focus on their needs, and what they need is to feel securely loved by both parents.
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#5
Thanks guys mostly what I thought, just so painful, when they see the ex happy and me still trying to come to terms with everything and them not knowing about a third party who's been present for nearly a year now. But I'll suck it up for now, as you say it will all come out in the wash.
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#6
(02-07-2018, 01:48 PM)havingalaugh Wrote: Thanks guys mostly what I thought, just so painful, when they see the ex happy and me still trying to come to terms with everything and them not knowing about a third party who's been present for nearly a year now. But I'll suck it up for now, as you say it will all come out in the wash.

were all there in that sense including myself.

Hopefully going on a date at the weekend so fingers crossed.

What will happen though is your older children will a.) already have an idea and will react in due course or b.) find out and then it will hit your ex.
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#7
(02-07-2018, 02:20 PM)Tom_W88 Wrote:
(02-07-2018, 01:48 PM)havingalaugh Wrote: Thanks guys mostly what I thought, just so painful, when they see the ex happy and me still trying to come to terms with everything and them not knowing about a third party who's been present for nearly a year now. But I'll suck it up for now, as you say it will all come out in the wash.

were all there in that sense including myself.

Hopefully going on a date at the weekend so fingers crossed.

What will happen though is your older children will a.) already have an idea and will react in due course or b.) find out and then it will hit your ex.


Best of luck Tom, I'm out on a date the weekend myself. I've finally enforced some days at the weekend for me time, so fingers crossed for us both. Ex can't understand why I'm still annoyed by the separation. If she had just been more up front and honest at the start I could have moved on alot quicker. Having to put piecies of a jigsaw together about what has been going on whilst trying to see if you can still save a marriage puts you in a bad mood when you fit the last piece together and figure out it was over three 3 months before they walked out and you had wasted 4 months trying to fix what was unfixable. Still we are where we are now so new opportunities ahead. 
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#8
(02-08-2018, 12:52 PM)havingalaugh Wrote:
(02-07-2018, 02:20 PM)Tom_W88 Wrote:
(02-07-2018, 01:48 PM)havingalaugh Wrote: Thanks guys mostly what I thought, just so painful, when they see the ex happy and me still trying to come to terms with everything and them not knowing about a third party who's been present for nearly a year now. But I'll suck it up for now, as you say it will all come out in the wash.

were all there in that sense including myself.

Hopefully going on a date at the weekend so fingers crossed.

What will happen though is your older children will a.) already have an idea and will react in due course or b.) find out and then it will hit your ex.


Best of luck Tom, I'm out on a date the weekend myself. I've finally enforced some days at the weekend for me time, so fingers crossed for us both. Ex can't understand why I'm still annoyed by the separation. If she had just been more up front and honest at the start I could have moved on alot quicker. Having to put piecies of a jigsaw together about what has been going on whilst trying to see if you can still save a marriage puts you in a bad mood when you fit the last piece together and figure out it was over three 3 months before they walked out and you had wasted 4 months trying to fix what was unfixable. Still we are where we are now so new opportunities ahead. 

Hope it goes well for you mate.  

I am exactly the same carried on a relationship with her out of love and faithfulness to her when really she wasn't interested in continuing it.
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