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Controlling and Coercive Behaviour - is it that bad?
#1
Controlling and Coercive Behaviour. Is it really that bad?

My question being this. To an extent if you want to, it could potentially be easier to prove. Certainly more so than physical violence. 
My point being is this, my ex's Solicitors are seriously wasting time and have applied for an extension for time to submit evidence against me because 'new evidence' has come to light that would amount to Controlling and Coercive Behaviour if proven.

My question is this. Is it really that big a deal? What I mean is would it really have any effect on whether I have contact with our child or not? Just feels to me like the other side are constantly wasting time.
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#2
I’m facing the same issue with my ex. She’s saying I’ve been controlling but no more than what she has. Make notes of everythjng she’s done to you like chasing where you’ve been, looking at your phone, telling you what to wear I’m sure when you think about it she has we all do.
Last year I wanted to build my shed on the Saturday she said no do it tomorrow I said I want to do it today anyway I gave up with the bickering and ended up building it the next day to please her on my own in the flipping rain just to please her. Now that’s controlling.
Last week when I had the police round I was house trapped with our child has she took all the car seats so I couldn’t go out.
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#3
The question is though - what does this have to do with child contact?
I'm yet to see anything leveled against me to suggest I am a poor parent. They just seem to use the system to berate their ex-partner.

It doesn't seem to be particularly child focused. Question is, what does this have to do with contact?
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#4
I don’t believe it does, I was trying to figure out the same thing.
Unless it’s psychical abuse they won’t care as they only care about the child’s well being (supposedly) they aren’t there to hear a mud flinging contest of why you don’t get on anymore.

If you was that bad to live with why did she keep coming back and why didn’t she report it to the police
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#5
Well the police can now prosecute you for this as they have had a big push on it. I think there are now a few cases where people have been charged with it now. So to answer your question, yes it is quite bad. I have certainly had this done against me although the mother obviously doesnt see it and tries to blame me for it all.

Whether its true or not, now that is the real question. As we are all aware its the family court so they can just make allegations and use the system to benefit them and stop contact with no consequence.

Now they must believe they have evidence of this, txt messages etc. This is why you have to be very careful with anything you do and say or even txt. It may seem like nothing to you and I but they will twist everything in order to try and paint you in bad light. Its about safeguarding issues when it comes to children. They are setting out on a campaign to assassinate your character. If they believe you are controlling and coercive it will give them doubts about how you are going to co-parent and the effect it will have on the child if you do this to them. This is what it is all about, they want to put doubt in the judges/magistrates minds and delay, delay is their best friend. The longer they can keep you away from the child and stop you from bonding and making a relationship with them the better it is for them. This is where the system is all wrong because despite their claims that they are worried or scared for the childs safety they are clearly just doing it for their own means and not in the best interests of the child.

My ex was controlling and coercive, after she reported me to the police for attacking her other child (which never happened), social services got involved and told me that she was manipulative and controlling but to this day i have never seen the report.

She would tell me the day before that i could see my daughter at say 11am sunday as that was the only time she was free. If i said i couldnt make it until 12 she would say, i told you 11 and im busy after that, either come when i say or dont, your choice. She would then say if you cant make it then thats your problem, we was going to go out for a walk to the park but now you are going to miss out on that.

She would also tell me i could see my daughter at 2pm on a weekday as she is busy after that time and that she has plans for the weekend so i can not see my daughter. I am at work until 5pm so although i am sometimes able to finish early or be around it is out of my hands. I used to also live 45 minutes away and she would text to tell at 6pm to say i could see my daughter but hurry up because she will be going to bed in 45mins to an hour.

She told me she was keeping it all as evidence of me not turning up for contact when arranged and proof that she was not stopping me from seeing my daughter.

Even when i got to see my daughter i was told not to touch her, pick her up. I wasnt allowed to feed her or change her and if i did or said anything that she didnt like or didnt want me to do she would throw me out her flat and be screaming about how ive attacked them yet again. She would tell me i need to grow up, tell me how i dressed was wrong, that i had a teenagers car and continually put me down. She would lie and try and make out it was me and that id done this and that and she continues to do it even through the courts. It makes you question yourself and what you do, i ended up just sitting there quietly and not doing or saying anything in order not to cause myself anymore grief.

So yes it is bad which is why she is trying to make out thats what you are. You have to be really careful about what you say and do and put in your statements because it will be twisted. And depend on how the judge/magistrate look at it.

As in my case though it will just unnecessarily put the child through the mill and will lead to contact centres etc for no other reason than the mother has been allowed to get away with lying. As i said its all about wasting time and trying to paint you in a bad light. It doesnt really seem to matter that the mother or resident parent could be the one doing it all.
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#6
(02-08-2018, 10:19 AM)Charlielovesyou Wrote: If they believe you are controlling and coercive it will give them doubts about how you are going to co-parent and the effect it will have on the child if you do this to them. This is what it is all about, they want to put doubt in the judges/magistrates minds and delay, delay is their best friend. The longer they can keep you away from the child and stop you from bonding and making a relationship with them the better it is for them. This is where the system is all wrong because despite their claims that they are worried or scared for the childs safety they are clearly just doing it for their own means and not in the best interests of the child.

This I absolutely agree with! Couldn't have said it better!!
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#7
I totally agree with Charlie..

The system does not give two monkeys about your children.
a delay in the proceedings will no doubt have a not so good outcome for the non resident parent. As they will look at it that the has settled in to routine etc,
however I am a parent who has been so fair throughout the hearings when my ex took me to court ,I allowed contact though it was minimal to 2.5 hours x 4 days this bit me in the ass,

Where they ordered shared care at the final hearing,
this of cause was appealled and I did win the appeal and now waiting on a retrial, a further final hearing in April,

I know what I will ask for as I have also asked for is that mother has every other weekend.

currently the mother has 1 over night on fri each week. By the time April comes. the courts will state that child is in routine and why change it? uh doh you placed my child with a violent person who has a history of anger and parenting issues..hense me appealing the order.

So all these delay tactics will bite u in the ass around child contact.

It is so wrong in every sense.
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#8
Yeah unfortunately the whole system is a mess. They want to have this notion of looking after the childs best interests whilst at the same time doing the exact opposite. The problem is everything is still geared towards the mother and that she is the best person to look after the child. Through my whole case, the courts and contact centre always say they need to ask the mother if she agrees or will accept anything. Yet they dont do the same for the father, the mother decides or makes allegations and then they isolate the father from the child based on them with no proof what so ever. And the best thing is they dont even question them or say anything when they find out or know its just lies. There is no consequences to them for doing it so its a win win situation for them.

As ASD said they delay and deny contact with the help of the court and then the court turns around and says because you havent seen your child then you need to go to a contact centre to prove you are a capable parent. Then as there is now a routine that the child is in it would not be in their interests to change things, they start to use the status quo rubbish which is why you have to fight and enforce any breach of the orders because even though they wont do much they will use it against you if you dont do it.

With the help of the court and process, my ex didnt attend mediation, didnt attend the first 2 hearings and then delayed the start of contact for 2 weeks meaning in all i didnt see my daughter for 7 months. They kept delaying to give her one more chance and wouldnt give even supervised contact despite no safeguarding issues what so ever just because the mother lies and says she doesnt want it to happen. How is that in the best interests of the child? It is clearly not, the longer they are able to keep you away from your child and stop you from making a meaningful relationship with them then the harder it will be on them when or if it comes to having contact with you.

They want the parents to co-parent and be reasonable and work out things for themselves but mostly the reason we are in court is because the other parent simply just does not want to do that and their idea of being reasonable is them deciding everything and you agreeing. As long as you do not question anything, try and change things or have your own opinion then they are fine. The courts though do not see this and carry on regardless. They also dont do anything about the fact that a lot of the time they are doing it just because they will lose money if you get more contact. The CMS just take the mothers word when they tell them what contact you have but then you have to prove it wrong.

The whole system needs an overhaul IMHO. Its all arse about tit.
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#9
Its my understanding that the court go with a 51% probability to establish facts in private/family law. Therefore if it cant be proved 100% fact, then they assume which is likely to be true based on the information they do have and then declare their [judge] decision as fact.
Therefore if a claim is made, under oath, which is proved to be false why arent there tens of thousands of parents being prosecuted for perjury? the lying parent, to my understanding, gets little more than a wrap on the knuckles from the judge.
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#10
(02-08-2018, 12:33 PM)Naive Wrote: Its my understanding that the court go with a 51% probability to establish facts in private/family law. Therefore if it cant be proved 100% fact, then they assume which is likely to be true based on the information they do have and then declare their [judge] decision as fact.
Therefore if a claim is made, under oath, which is proved to be false why arent there tens of thousands of parents being prosecuted for perjury? the lying parent, to my understanding, gets little more than a wrap on the knuckles from the judge.

Yeah this is the problem, they are allowed to make false allegations with no consequences. Problem is mostly its ones word against anothers. It even states in the application that this is not good enough and if there is no proof then it wont count towards anything. But they take absolutely no notice of it and carry on regardless. Basically because they know nothing will be said or done about it and they just look it as the mother having concerns regarding the child. Funny how they dont look at it the same way with the resident parent. They dont do anything about them having the child or stop them having contact whilst allegations are looked into. They pretty much help the resident parent alienate you from your child and then wonder why you have issues afterwards. They just get away with it and its wrong. 

I am being told i have to pay £45 an hour to see my daughter in a contact centre just because the mother has denied us contact and is refusing it, no other reason. So why is it i am the one who has to pay for this on top of my CMS payments when there is no need for it?  

It is just a time wasting game that they allowed to get away with but you also have to remember that it is a con and an easy money making scheme for those involved. As i said before delay is their best friend and their biggest weapon. The more hearings and orders that are made to various agencies the more work they have and it keeps them all in a job.  It is also their head on the block if they are the ones to have made an order and been found not to have done what they should have. But even after finding that its all false and no safeguarding issues they still dont want to put themselves in the firing line.
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