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Frustrating Ex Playing Mind Games!
Hi, my ex gave birth to twins in January 2016, She was taken to hospital for 3 days 2 weeks after babies were born and I was taking care or the babies.
A week after coming out of hospital she went into meltdown and said she couldn't cope, she wanted to put the babies in to care and done some things that scared me, then admitted herself and the babies into hospital but She went into maternity ward for 1 night claiming to be examined by mental health doctors. After 1 night she left hospital and went to live with her parents taking the babies with her claiming social worker had signed her over to her mothers care which I was not happy about.
Since then I have seen her 3 times and the babies twice including signing the birth certificates. When we were alone we could talk and sort things out and things were going good but around her family and being at her parents she don't talk to me. She contacted me saying I could see the babies then asked for money which I didn't have at the time, I feel all she wants is money from me and using the girls as weapons, telling me and my family I can see them then changing her mind when we start to get somewhere.
I didn't have kids to walk away from, my idea was to bring them up in a family home with both parents and let them have the best chance in life, I have suggested moving away to somewhere more suitable for the babies but she said no as it was too far from her family, the same family that told her to stay away from me otherwise they want nothing to do with her and made threats towards me, she hasn't been back since, not even to pick up supplies for the babies which are still here, yet she wants me to pay for more???
I have reported her to social services and police for what happened as I am really concerned about the babies safety. She has lied throughout the relationship and more so now.
I have spoken to C.A.B, solicitors, social services, police and even mediation, I am not happy with what's being done, I am told I have no right to legal aid even though I lost my job not long ago so how do I go about taking my ex to court if/when she refuses mediation? She got me arrested over a year ago for domestic violence but since falling pregnant she was violent towards me, but not just me. I feel I am banging my head against a brick wall and going around in circles, please help if you can. Thanks in advance.
Hi Twinsanity, and as always...Welcome Smile

Starting from the bottom....Re: DV, it's a hot topic so has to be fully investigated, if it has been, what was the outcome?

Are Social Services actively involved in this, or did they just do a basic investigation and found no cause for concern?

You being named on the BC's puts you in a better position than if you weren't.

Regarding your ex and her family, whilst understanding how you feel about them, they are part of her support network and considering your analysis of your ex's mental state, is actually better for the kids, at least for now.

On the legal aid front, there basically isn't any for Family Court cases apart from a very limited set of circumstances. Saying that, there is no reason why you can't represent yourself, it isn't daunting although you may think it is in the early stages. This does have a cost, but fee's can be waived or reduced depending on your circumstances. Before you get to court the court would like you and your ex to have explored other options first, such as agreement between yourselves, mediation etc. Only if these avenues fail to achieve a resolution could you put your case before the courts. There is plenty of information on the Seperated Dads website, get your butt over there and have a good read Smile

Financially you are obliged to pay the mum 20% of your net income, you can pay more if you choose, and if you were unemployed or on a very low income then different figures apply. Information regarding this can be found on the relevant government website.

Bear in mind the court's only concern is what's best for the children (In their considered opinion) and not pandering to either your's or the ex's wishes and feelings.

If you do go through the court system and your ex is reluctant to move forward then it will take some time, but eventually you will gain access and be able to play a decent part in their lives.
Hi Norfolk n Good, and Thank you

I will be totally honest with you, I found an email from my ex to her ex sending a picture of me to him with the title "get rid"
As you can imagine I was not happy and she tried to leave rather than explain what the email meant so I followed her and grabbed her by her hooded top but pulled her hair also, I got arrested and charged with Battery given a 12 month conditional discharge and a £15 fine.

I was told by the social worker I got involved she would make a visit to check on the children, That she will get back to me which she never did, I chased her for over a week to find out any information but no response so in the meantime I called 101 to make a visit to make sure they were ok but it was only when my ex told of the social worker advising her to cease all contact with me that I got her email address and emailed her to find out what really was going on.
She denied advising her, told me she was doing a 45 day assessment on my ex and the babies but then went on to say that she was happy for her to remain at her parents place even though I told her of my concerns regarding her fathers drug taking habits and her brother being suicidal as his own daughter is too scared to go near him unless in the room with someone else.
I am concerned of what she will do once she is left alone with them and has her own place, I have no contact and she has blocked every path I had to communicate with her regarding the children.

I am unemployed at present but I am looking for work, Due to criminal record I lost my security licence and also my job, I couldn't afford to take her to court right now so I feel I have been stitched up and what she done to the babies was deliberate so she can fake going to hospital and walk out freely with the babies like she done, I believe it was planned between her and her mum from day one as her mum was trying to get her back there but my ex said I would never part with my daughters but yet done it anyway, "how to brain wash your own child in 10 days"

20% seems a bit extreme especially if I was to find work and pay my own rent and bills, she chose to walk out on me so she should take responsibility for her actions as I am willing to sit down and try to sort this out, as she is when away from her family.

I have only ever tried to do what is best for my girls, her mind was never to put them first but her family!

I am on the verge of giving up and letting her keep the girls, I have asked her for a DNA test so I know they are my girls 100% but she refuses to do this. I know this is extreme but I have nowhere else to turn for help.

I really appreciate your reply.
The figure of 20% is what is laid down in statute, but, as I said, lower figures apply if you are unemployed or on a very low income.

Same with court fees, they can be waived or reduced depending on your income and/or savings.

Remember you will always think the worst and hope for the best. Usually the reality is somewhere between the two.

As far as the Social worker goes, she can only act on what your ex tells them, and sadly the fact is you have been convicted of Battery. Saying that, if you've exhausted all other options you can apply to the courts and in the early stages it is likely, although not guaranteed, that you would be allowed some form of supervised contact. This might be a couple of hours once a week in a contact centre. There you would be observed as to your behaviour with your kids and given all is good in their reports, eventually you should gain some unsupervised access.

As I said, her parents are part of her support network, and given what you've said, is actually in their best interests at present. Remember the children are only three months old and heavily dependent on your ex as to their needs.

You won't get a speedy resolution out of this given the circumstances, but if you are prepared to persevere, and be honest with yourself there is no reason why you can't establish a decent relationship with your children. Things like memories etc won't become coherent in your kids minds until they are at least 3, so whilst I really do understand how much it hurts you now, you need to think longer term on this.

As for "letting her have them", they are children, who in an ideal world would have the love and support of both parents. Are you really prepared to deny them that chance? I'd keep fighting until I drew my last breath if it involved my child.
I am happy to pay for MY children, but I am not happy giving the mother money until a DNA has been done to confirm they are mine, so is there another way around this, I am not paying for her habits and debts she occurred from long before me.

I would probably be on low to mid income, I was earning 26k in my last job but working all hours and I don't want to do that again.

My ex has told many lies and I have proof of this, so does my family, I don't feel she is in the right frame of mind of taking care of herself, let alone the babies but then what do I know, I am not social worker turning up and spending 30 minutes or so with her and the babies making an assessment in less than 45 minutes rather than 45 days.

I admitted to what I did which is why I got charged, I have evidence of my injuries from her also which is on police record, I only held back from reporting her as she told me she missed her period and thought she might be pregnant which she was, so I didn't call the police.

I don't get how her parents are involved? She told me her mum was abusive to her, her dad smoking drugs, I have done nothing wrong to the babies unlike her but she can take them and use them to bribe me for money?
Where have I got any rights?
I have to accept that her brother that has a daughter himself that don't want to be anywhere near him, I would like to know why? My ex told me he moved out and she was in his bedroom with the babies, he told me he was still there and my ex was sleeping on the sofa.

This feels like never ending and I am not seeing any light at the end of this tunnel but I do fear the worst for the babies.

I would like a DNA test done so I know if they are mine or not, I know this will cost money but she will have to pay half if the courts believe I have a case which I believe I have.

I have contacted mediation and received an email back, I need to make an appointment but need to find out first if I am entitled to legal aid.
I doubt she will bother to turn up, I doubt she will be allowed to make any contact with me, I am not being pathetic when I say that, her family have given her the choice of me or them and she chose them.

I, Like yourself and many other Mothers and Fathers live in an ideal world, having both parents involved which is what she has always said until she arrived back at her parents then nothing, I am really confused how the system works but it really doesn't work.

I have dreams I will meet my daughters on the Jeremy Kyle show in years to come all messed up and blaming me, I really don't want that but that's how it feels things are going.
I believe most women are reasonable, it's when they allow their failure parents to "Take Two" and try to be better parents to their grandchildren that they become unreasonable.

I have kept from saying what it is she actually did to the babies and the claims she has made since.

She is the one denying them the chance of having both parents, I doubt honestly I will have to fight for them with my last breath, the damage to the babies will be done long before that!
I think, and you'd need to check this, that as you are named on the BC's, you would be liable to pay maintenance until you can prove that you're not the father. If you are currently unemployed then the 20% rule doesn't come in to play and I think you'll pay a token £5-00 a week.

Believe me, I really do understand your anger and resentment, but it's eating away at you and won't do you any good in the long term. Try to be a bit more objective and channel that into something positive for you and the children.

Mediation and mediators are neutral and try to help you both achieve a resolution, no matter how hard you find it remain calm and focussed on what is important. Getting angry or verbally aggressive will only go against you. If mediation doesn't work then take it to the next level, you may not get legal aid, but as long as you have little to no savings or income then you won't have to pay much, if anything at all.

By the sounds of things you will have to fight, but you're fighting on behalf of the children, who have a right to know and spend time with both of you. Hopefully once things start moving forward you'll be able to let some of your feelings dissipate and have that decent relationship we'd all want to have with our kids.

In an ideal world......well we've all thought that, but things aren't ideal and we are human, complete with our faults, me included.

If you have evidence of wrongdoing to the children you have a duty to report it accordingly. People will listen to you if you sound rational and concerned, if you sound angry and resentful your case becomes harder to deal with. Please don't become that person, you and the kids deserve every chance.
I will hold all money as I can't contact her anyway as she has blocked every way possible.
Is that £5 per child or just £5?

I am angry at what she did to the babies and I don't have any proof as I done what was right rather than take pictures.
I have reported her to social services and police but it seems like she got away with murder, cowardly woman calls the police on me for pulling her hair but denies all what she has done to my daughters then because I reported her she refuses to let me see them.
I only care about their welfare otherwise I would just walk away.

I was in contact with her after signing the birth certificates, she was telling me it wasn't long term and she would return home with the babies, It was all lies, I could understand if I had done something wrong, but I feel I should have taken pictures of her actions now as it would be me with the babies and not her.

She will not attend mediation, I know this already, I have to fight this alone and I don't have any confidence in the system, I feel everywhere I go I get refused help, I went to see my Dr regarding anger management but nothing they can do, I am trying to sort my own life out while she has the babies but it is my dream to have children where as it was always something she never wanted, her words, she even told me she couldn't have kids, then denied saying it but she also told her best friend the same thing, I know it's not relevant but it makes my point clearer that she's a compulsive liar.

I am ready to take her on in court because if I can tell she is a liar then hopefully the courts will too, it's just the long process of getting there.

From what you have said I feel I have lost any chance as I can't be rational after what she done to my babies, she should be locked up as if I did to her what she did to the babies I would be done for attempted murder.

I still don't get why she has the right to say I can then I can't see the babies, then who else turns up with her, she is playing games all because I no longer want to be with a woman can't put our babies first.

There is being human and making mistakes but there is also the other side and being a horrid person and trying to blackmail someone for money to see their daughters she claims are theirs.
You have every chance of a decent relationship, but it will take time and some effort on your part. Just like my ex, all she has to do is say "No" and make you fight every step of the way, but it will be worth it in the end. Long journeys always have to have a beginning, now is your chance to make that beginning if you've the courage to do it. If she won't attend mediation then in the longer term that will actually work to your advantage.

Edited to add, it would appear it's £5-00 no matter how many children are involved. Information taken from here......
I take it there is no way on this planet of getting full custody and taking kids from her?

I don't just want a part time relationship with my daughters I want to bring them up full time, I managed well enough on my own when ex went into hospital and done better without her than with her there.

I feel no matter what I do I have no one on my side which makes me feel like giving up now, I won't, but it is really hard trying to sort myself out and wondering when this whole nightmare is going to end.

Thank you for all your help, I know it don't sound like it but I have taken what you say on board, I just don't agree with the way things are done.
Women have too many rights and it shouldn't happen, it should always be to put the babies first.
Given the age of the children (We call them children but in reality they are babies) and the circumstances and events that have happened so far it is highly unlikely you'd get full custody (Residence order).

Regarding the relationship you'd want with them, as a NRP the best you could hope for, at least in the short term, is a part time relationship. Sadly it's all most of us get (Me included) as we are no longer living with our ex's (Every cloud....silver lining and all that)

As for "no-one on your side".....we're here, and the help and advice that is given is given freely. I appreciate we're not physically with you holding your hand, but we'll keep offering you advice as long as you need it, we'll laugh with you and share your pain, but ultimately only you can get out there and fight for them.

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