How do i deal with having my little girl taken from me? With false accusations of DV

[GAS1975]

i have been reading a lot of the posts on here and it has definitely helped.
i decided to join today to enable me to put my story out there and hope that I can get some advise and also maybe able to help any of you guys reading my post that maybe be able to relate to this?
I had been with my partner for almost 5 years and we have a little girl together of 3 1/2. To say she is a Daddies girl is an understatement. 
During the 5 years there have obviously been ups and downs like all relationships - so a normal relationship.
 From the moment our daughter was born up until 5 weeks ago she was the perfect mother and partner. 
It started around 7 weeks ago. I first noticed that something wasn't quite right when she started to be a bit distant, a bit odd, out of character? At the time i couldn't put my finger on it but I knew there was something wrong. When you have lived together for 5 years and something changes, something different, instinct tells you.
Then came the common and familiar behaviour from someone who is hiding something... She always let our daughter play on her phone recently as as a lot of you will know, kids have a tendency to destroy ipad screens. All of a sudden, she would not let our daughter have the phone. Started to leave her phone in her bag on silent. She would start getting agitated and even shouting at our daughter for asking for the phone. this went on for a couple of weeks. I started to ask the usual questions - "why are you hiding your phone?" why is it on silent"? Off course, I was just being paranoid! Anyway, i sent her a text asking if there is anything wrong and that she has been distant recently?  she replied and said that she has been feeling suffocated and that she needed space. We agreed to give each other space. I said the i would sleep in the spare room and give her all the space that she needed. this lasted for 2 days then out of the blue said that she would be moving back to here Mum & Dad's for a week. Her Mum and Dad have a massive house the it 5 mins from our house and 2 mins from where my daughters school. they are both retired and take on the duty of taking her to school and picking her up again in the afternoon. All perfect for me and my partner. Both my partner and daughter have their own bedrooms in the house. Very comfortable for them both, which is what i want. 
I have been having my daughter for a couple of nights a week and a day and night during the weekends. I know some of you now will be thinking that i am lucky to have this, I am. 
5 weeks ago, i let everything out to her and had a massive row! She went to walk out the door during this argument with our daughter. i tried to stop her buy pulling her arm back. She went upstairs crying. I decided to go into the garden and calm down and had a couple of cigarettes. when i came back in, there was a knock on the door. I could see 2 police officers. I answered the door. They asked me my name and asked to come in. One of them went upstairs to speak to my partner and the other one stayed downstairs  to question me. This went on for about half hour. Then the other officer came down and told me that I was under arrest for assault!
i was taken to the police station and banged up in the cells. This was obviously a very traumatic time. i was eventually released with a caution for Common Assault! 
I was not allowed back into my own house that night and stayed around my Mum and Dad's.
Since all of this, she has been telling everyone that she had me arrested for DV. I am not a violent person and would never ever hurt her.
Anyway, she has been living at her mum and dads since then and i seem to have my daughter more than she does. This is convenient for her to allow her to go out whenever she wants. Obviously, i am not going to say this to her as I get to have my little girl. 

I was in an absolute mess. like my life had ended. i could not concentrate on anything. Couldn't eat or sleep for a week. I had told my boss at work what had happen and he could see the state that i was in. Told me to take some time off and get myself sorted. 
I went to the doctor and he signed me off wit 'Acute Stress Reaction'. Gave me sleeping pills and told me to make sure I eat.

i spent 2 weeks going through the most scary uncontrollable pain. The pain where you have no control over it. It takes over you and cripples you. It is not a physical pain on the outside - like getting a physical beating from someone, you can push them off and the pain will go away. It comes from within and at the time can do nothing to make it go away. This along with not being able to sleep is torture. There was times when i was in bed not actually knowing if i was awake or asleep. Anxiety attacks, shaking, sweating and just wanting to end it all.

I have good support around me and with that decided to get myself together for my little girls sake. I found myself getting stronger, back to work, occupying my mind on the days/nights that i didn't have my daughter.  Obviously, the pain is still there, still raw but i was trying to stay positive.

Then last Sunday..Wham! My daughter tells me that she went swimming on Saturday with Mummy's new best friend and 2 little boys. She gave me names and after a bit of investigation and digging around on social media find out that this new best friend is someone she works with. The names she gave me of her new friend and the little boys became evident. 
just as I thought that i was getting stronger, my worst fears were there. Another man taking my daughter swimming! This has destroyed me now and i am in a worst position that i was at the start.  This is obviously the bloke that she had been getting involved with when she was acting strange for in the beginning.    

i asked her about this and told her that I was not happy with another man that i dont know taking my daughter swimming. I told her that I would tell her Mum and dad about this. She threatened me with not letting me see my daughter and reminded me that I had a caution.

i really dont know what to do now as she is using our daughter as ammunition and a pawn in this and it is so cruel.

i know that legally i cant do anything about this but, i will be doing a background check on him. i have been advised not to let her know that I now know who he is.

I am in such a mess now and do not  know what to do? I would never wish this kind of pain on anybody. I feel like i'm losing my mind and control.

[warwickshire1]

if you are going to do a background check on him make sure u dont tell anybody about it.
Concentrate on your daughter solely and try and have her set days and times as if you were ever to go to court you could already say something is in place. maybe keep a diary and what are you doing.

Dont rise to her hanging around with a new friend no matter how hard it is and dont react text or ring. once they ring police once on you they generally dont stop until they get you arrested and convicted and will get her legal aid.

Focus on your daughter and things will get better. remember u are still allowed to see her which is better than a lot of people are getting on here. be consistent also and have set days and times 1/2 nights on weekdays and every other weekend or 1 night every weekend is good. think of something that you would like for many years to come and remember your daughter will put a smile on your face. u dont want contact stopped by reacting wrong way

[GAS1975]

(02-20-2018, 07:02 PM)warwickshire1 Wrote: if you are going to do a background check on him make sure u dont tell anybody about it.
Concentrate on your daughter solely and try and have her set days and times as if you were ever to go to court you could already say something is in place. maybe keep a diary and what are you doing.

Dont rise to her hanging around with a new friend no matter how hard it is and dont react text or ring. once they ring police once on you they generally dont stop until they get you arrested and convicted and will get her legal aid.

Focus on your daughter and things will get better. remember u are still allowed to see her which is better than a lot of people  are getting on here. be consistent also and have set days and times  1/2 nights on weekdays and every other weekend or 1 night every weekend is good. think of something that you would like for many years to come and remember your daughter will put a smile on your face. u dont want contact stopped by reacting wrong way

Thank you mate. I know. She is being so manipulative at the moment. It's like she has me by the balls!

[avadad]

they get legal aid and you dont have to be arested mate, keep away from her,, , i no what your saying , re, balls,, but just keep away dont give her anything to hang on you,, , go to mediation,, if she will not,, and gets legal aid? bs, then get think its c100, app to court, to see your kid, best of luck

[Charlielovesyou]

I wouldnt let her know you know anything tbh. I was always told dont volunteer anything to them as they will use and twist it against you. She is not going to care anyway more than likely.

Your best bet would be to keep away from her and ignore her, dont ask her anything about her as she will claim harassment. Just keep any communication about the child, its hard when you have feelings for them but you have to do it. Most people come here thinking they are being reasonable and can not understand why the ex is doing what they are for whatever reason.

But you can not reason with unreasonable people especially ones that are deliberately doing it to spite or punish you or they simply just do not want you anymore. The only was to sort this stuff is to go to court and get an order because otherwise they will just continue to dictate and claim they have all the rights when it comes to the child, what they say goes or they deny contact because they think its their choice. And there is no guarantee that what she is letting you have now she will continue to do so.

Time is your enemy, we have all been there but deep down we all know its the only way to sort things and have to get it done.

[GAS1975]

(02-20-2018, 09:35 PM)avadad Wrote: they get legal aid and you dont have to be arested mate, keep away from her,, , i no what your saying , re, balls,, but just keep away dont give her anything  to hang on you,,  , go to mediation,, if she will not,, and gets legal aid? bs, then get think its c100, app to court, to see your kid, best of luck

thanks mate. I will keep away from her!

---

(02-20-2018, 10:11 PM)Charlielovesyou Wrote: I wouldnt let her know you know anything tbh. I was always told dont volunteer anything to them as they will use and twist it against you. She is not going to care anyway more than likely.

Your best bet would be to keep away from her and ignore her, dont ask her anything about her as she will claim harassment. Just keep any communication about the child, its hard when you have feelings for them but you have to do it.  Most people come here thinking they are being reasonable and can not understand why the ex is doing what they are for whatever reason.  

But you can not reason with unreasonable people especially ones that are deliberately doing it to spite or punish you or they simply just do not want you anymore. The only was to sort this stuff is to go to court and get an order because otherwise they will just continue to dictate and claim they have all the rights when it comes to the child, what they say goes or they deny contact because they think its their choice. And there is no guarantee that what she is letting you have now she will continue to do so.

Time is your enemy, we have all been there but deep down we all know its the only way to sort things and have to get it done.

Thanks mate. Trouble is i'm not financially in a position at the moment to go to court. How much roughly would it cost? I wouldn't qualify for legal aid.

[LTCDAD]

You need to go to mediation first and either that works or you get a deadlock letter then self represent at court... 215 quid

Be very clear about what you want from court... you have access, you need to support your kid, you can't stop a new boyfriend

Don't tell her anything that is not to do with the kids... cards close to your chest... she is not your friend anymore

Finally, the new lad... it may hurt.... but he's got 2 kids ... he's probably a decent lad...he probably gets loads of cr*p from his ex partner.... he might even be on here fighting to stay in his boys life.... so don't throw him under a bus... in a few years time you might be all be able to sit down with new partners and multiple kids and support each other

[GAS1975]

(02-21-2018, 01:42 PM)LTCDAD Wrote: You need to go to mediation first and either that works or you get a deadlock letter then self represent at court... 215 quid

Be very clear about what you want from court... you have access, you need to support your kid, you can't stop a new boyfriend

Don't tell her anything that is not to do with the kids... cards close to your chest... she is not your friend anymore

Finally, the new lad... it may hurt....  but he's got 2 kids ... he's probably a decent lad...he probably gets loads of cr*p from his ex partner.... he might even be on here fighting to stay in his boys life.... so don't throw him under a bus... in a few years time you might be all be able to sit down with new partners and multiple kids and support each other

LTCDAD - Thanks you for the advise and wise words. I do have good access at the moment which is good. i'm not holding any hope that this will last as she is being a complete bitch with other stuff such as financial debt that we are in. Saying that she will pay half of everything then making no payments towards them. When I ask her why she just says stop harassing her about money or she will make things difficult for me and that i know what she means. Basically saying she will stop me seeing my daughter. Its like she has me over a barrel!

[LTCDAD]

(02-21-2018, 01:58 PM)GAS1975 Wrote: LTCDAD - Thanks you for the advise and wise words. I do have good access at the moment which is good. i'm not holding any hope that this will last as she is being a complete bitch with other stuff such as financial debt that we are in. Saying that she will pay half of everything then making no payments towards them. When I ask her why she just says stop harassing her about money or she will make things difficult for me and that i know what she means. Basically saying she will stop me seeing my daughter. Its like she has me over a barrel!

Nope she doesn't
Record all threats to link her financial responsibilities to access to your children... keep a diary
Be clear and informative, tell her the following:
Tell her she needs to attend mediation to agree a child care schedule (access for you both) and how you will both financially support the child
Sort out an appointment with mediators
If she refuses go to court the 1st time she blocks access
Tell her she needs to pay her bills... set out a schedule of what needs paying and when... send it via email so you have a record
Close all joint accounts
Start to separate your finances immediately ... assume her bills are not paid to you but a supplier... inform them of the situation and that she will be paying 1/2 from her own account cc her into the email
Tell her any threat of access linked to her debts will give you no option but to go to court to protect your child rights to have a relationship with its father and you take this seriously 
Do not give her any money beyond an agreed level based on CSA. if your kid needs a coat and you want to get it, buy one yourself at the shop. DO NOT give money direct to your partner
Once you agree the child arrangements (lets say 3-4 days a week with you) tell her any attempt to reduce access in order to gain more child maintenance will not be accepted but you will go to (or go back to) court to protect your child's rights

Wish her well in her new relationship... you moving on to better things ... she's not your problem any more ... you focus on being a good dad

You got this mate... don't be bullied

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also keep a record of how often you have your kid

What happens now will influence any court order.. she has accused you of DV and you have the kid over 50% of the time so she can go out with new BF .... that's important statement that you are a good dad ... or at least she will find it very difficult to say you are a bad dad if it ends up in court

[GAS1975]

(02-21-2018, 02:12 PM)LTCDAD Wrote:

(02-21-2018, 01:58 PM)GAS1975 Wrote: LTCDAD - Thanks you for the advise and wise words. I do have good access at the moment which is good. i'm not holding any hope that this will last as she is being a complete bitch with other stuff such as financial debt that we are in. Saying that she will pay half of everything then making no payments towards them. When I ask her why she just says stop harassing her about money or she will make things difficult for me and that i know what she means. Basically saying she will stop me seeing my daughter. Its like she has me over a barrel!

Nope she doesn't
Record all threats to link her financial responsibilities to access to your children... keep a diary
Be clear and informative, tell her the following:
Tell her she needs to attend mediation to agree a child care schedule (access for you both) and how you will both financially support the child
Sort out an appointment with mediators
If she refuses go to court the 1st time she blocks access
Tell her she needs to pay her bills... set out a schedule of what needs paying and when... send it via email so you have a record
Close all joint accounts
Start to separate your finances immediately ... assume her bills are not paid to you but a supplier... inform them of the situation and that she will be paying 1/2 from her own account cc her into the email
Tell her any threat of access linked to her debts will give you no option but to go to court to protect your child rights to have a relationship with its father and you take this seriously 
Do not give her any money beyond an agreed level based on CSA. if your kid needs a coat and you want to get it, buy one yourself at the shop. DO NOT give money direct to your partner
Once you agree the child arrangements (lets say 3-4 days a week with you) tell her any attempt to reduce access in order to gain more child maintenance will not be accepted but you will go to (or go back to) court to protect your child's rights

Wish her well in her new relationship... you moving on to better things ... she's not your problem any more ... you focus on being a good dad

You got this mate... don't be bullied

---

also keep a record of how often you have your kid

What happens now will influence any court order.. she has accused you of DV and you have the kid over 50% of the time so she can go out with new BF .... that's important statement that you are a good dad ... or at least she will find it very difficult to say you are a bad dad if it ends up in court

Thank you for clear and honest advice mate. I have taken everything you have said on board. I will keep you posted on how things go. Just another classic example of how important this forum is for all of us suffering Dad's. Literally, life savers!