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I need to vent.
#1
Reading through many of the posts on here has put my problems into perspective but I just need to vent. 

I can happily say I'd never want or risk a long term relationship recognised by law, ever again.
If it ever came to a divorce (which I have seriously considered of late) after seeing and been through what I have I'd never want it again. 
Is that cold of me? 

I always remember from my early teenage years, my dads friend repeatedly mentioning (after a few pints), when his youngest leaves school he's divorcing his wife. At the time, in my naive youth I thought it was rather cold of him to plan for a divorce in 7 years time. Needless to say when the time came he did it.  

That always stuck with me and as a I matured and anecdotally witnessed 70% of married couples where the men were privately unhappy from the little anecdotes they'd tell you, I understood his logic. 

This then leads me on to my own situation now. It just seems to be a switch goes off inside a woman's head where after the first born arrives that the men they loved, soon turn into convenient cash cows that they have to 'tolerate'. 
The problem is I've always expected it with any woman I;d get with but when it actually happens to you it's a bit different. 

I have honestly tried to rekindle a bit of passion between me and my wife but it just seems a constant gauntlet of treading on egg shells. It's not exactly a deeply unhappy, abusive relationship we are in, there are some good times but the honest description of it is it's clinical. It's not exactly passionate, joyful or exciting. 
Most of the time she's just incredibly moody with me but in-front of everyone else and on social media the complete opposite. 

She can be happy to criticise me, provide hardly any affection but displays little to no thanks when without me she couldn't live the lifestyle she has, couldn't be able to set up her own business without me, couldn't drive a decent car without me, couldn't be in the house we have without me...etc.  
I provide but I play second fiddle to other priorities in my wifes life now. I'm not asking a lot but just a bit more affection would be appreciated. 

Our household isn't an abusive or depressive one. There is plenty of love for our child but it's simply very clinical between me and my partner. I also know for sure should my wife would like to pursue a  second child suddenly that switch would flick back in a heartbeat. Me on the otherhand would think very carefully about doing it. 

I know for a fact I have probably described the majority of relationships here.   I've seen the same thing time and time again over the years and it simply strikes me how women in todays society are just users to a degree who overall seem to just worship money and status. 

Now I'm sitting here weighing up the pro's and cons should I ever wish to pursue divorce and frankly the con's seem to outweigh the pro's in terms of lifestyle, finance, seeing my child part time and knowing damn well the odds are if I settled with another woman it would be rinse repeat. 

In my pent up frustrations instead of turning to drink or god knows what else I've turned into a bit of a fitness freak only for the reason as it's a healthy outlet to try and burn away my frustrations at home which then leads me to another problem. 

As I'm in OK shape and I earn a decent wage, I do get hit on especially at work. What doesn't help with this is I work away from home in the week to go to the head office. 
One pretty girl in particular is increasingly flirting with me, despite knowing I'm married and have a child. So much for sisterhood eh! 

I'm not daft, half the reason she does it is because she knows what I'm earning. She casually dropped in last week about me taking her to the most expensive joint in town. A warning sign if you've ever heard one.  

Half of me is tempted and then the other half is totally disgusted with her for basically trying to goad me into it. 

Needless to say should I ever want divorce that would be it between me and the lesser sex. 

Vent over.
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#2
(02-22-2018, 11:32 AM)sundance_Kid Wrote: Reading through many of the posts on here has put my problems into perspective but I just need to vent. 

I can happily say I'd never want or risk a long term relationship recognised by law, ever again.
If it ever came to a divorce (which I have seriously considered of late) after seeing and been through what I have I'd never want it again. 
Is that cold of me? 

I always remember from my early teenage years, my dads friend repeatedly mentioning (after a few pints), when his youngest leaves school he's divorcing his wife. At the time, in my naive youth I thought it was rather cold of him to plan for a divorce in 7 years time. Needless to say when the time came he did it.  

That always stuck with me and as a I matured and anecdotally witnessed 70% of married couples where the men were privately unhappy from the little anecdotes they'd tell you, I understood his logic. 

This then leads me on to my own situation now. It just seems to be a switch goes off inside a woman's head where after the first born arrives that the men they loved, soon turn into convenient cash cows that they have to 'tolerate'. 
The problem is I've always expected it with any woman I;d get with but when it actually happens to you it's a bit different. 

I have honestly tried to rekindle a bit of passion between me and my wife but it just seems a constant gauntlet of treading on egg shells. It's not exactly a deeply unhappy, abusive relationship we are in, there are some good times but the honest description of it is it's clinical. It's not exactly passionate, joyful or exciting. 
Most of the time she's just incredibly moody with me but in-front of everyone else and on social media the complete opposite. 

She can be happy to criticise me, provide hardly any affection but displays little to no thanks when without me she couldn't live the lifestyle she has, couldn't be able to set up her own business without me, couldn't drive a decent car without me, couldn't be in the house we have without me...etc.  
I provide but I play second fiddle to other priorities in my wifes life now. I'm not asking a lot but just a bit more affection would be appreciated. 

Our household isn't an abusive or depressive one. There is plenty of love for our child but it's simply very clinical between me and my partner. I also know for sure should my wife would like to pursue a  second child suddenly that switch would flick back in a heartbeat. Me on the otherhand would think very carefully about doing it. 

I know for a fact I have probably described the majority of relationships here.   I've seen the same thing time and time again over the years and it simply strikes me how women in todays society are just users to a degree who overall seem to just worship money and status. 

Now I'm sitting here weighing up the pro's and cons should I ever wish to pursue divorce and frankly the con's seem to outweigh the pro's in terms of lifestyle, finance, seeing my child part time and knowing damn well the odds are if I settled with another woman it would be rinse repeat. 

In my pent up frustrations instead of turning to drink or god knows what else I've turned into a bit of a fitness freak only for the reason as it's a healthy outlet to try and burn away my frustrations at home which then leads me to another problem. 

As I'm in OK shape and I earn a decent wage, I do get hit on especially at work. What doesn't help with this is I work away from home in the week to go to the head office. 
One pretty girl in particular is increasingly flirting with me, despite knowing I'm married and have a child. So much for sisterhood eh! 

I'm not daft, half the reason she does it is because she knows what I'm earning. She casually dropped in last week about me taking her to the most expensive joint in town. A warning sign if you've ever heard one.  

Half of me is tempted and then the other half is totally disgusted with her for basically trying to goad me into it. 

Needless to say should I ever want divorce that would be it between me and the lesser sex. 

Vent over.

Feel better for that?

Look - there was some attraction there in the first place, so try and fix it, have you even tried talking with her about how you feel? The grass might look greener but be cautious about throwing what seems slightly dented away, your wife might just need some support, and if she hasn't resorted to cheating yet then it could be fixed. A lot of guys here would give their right arm to have another go, even if their wife had cheated. Just explore your options before making a mistake, good luck.
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#3
Hi Sundance
It is almost as if you were describing my relationship with me wife little more than a year ago.

Little did I know that she was already on her way out of our marriage mentally. So this is your chance to turn things around.

Too late for me, but I think the link below talks a lot of sense. Time to really sit back and re-evaluate your relationship. Concentrate on what you can do to make things better and stop dwelling on her behaviour. Accept that a woman wants you to lead and they will follow. If you make changes you may find her behaviour will start to change in response.

https://husbandhelphaven.com/blog/manhood/
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#4
Money seems to be a problem, from your rant it strikes me that you [rightly or wrongly] believe your wife/pursuer is only after your money.

Which means..............

Quote:
"without me she couldn't live the lifestyle she has, couldn't be able to set up her own business without me, couldn't drive a decent car without me, couldn't be in the house we have without me...etc.
I provide but I play second fiddle to other priorities in my wifes life now. I'm not asking a lot but just a bit more affection would be appreciated. "

She "COULD" be deeply, deeply resenting you for having to be financially reliant on you when you have that attitude towards money.

I like this game, just call me Sigmund Freud.

Anyway.... get your arses to councelling to see if there's anything there to save.
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#5
"She "COULD" be deeply, deeply resenting you for having to be financially reliant on you when you have that attitude towards money."

Got it in one but that's not through my doing. She's doing it to herself. She's used to being financial independent on a good salary and I can tell she doesn't like the idea on being dependent on me. That's not through my doing though, I don't enter the house and remind her of it daily. I took it as part and parcel of supporting a wife and baby.

She is very career minded and always has been and I don't doubt thats why she is pursuing her new business no doubt. To feel self sufficient again.
I'm just sick of being a mental punchbag for her own insecurities.

The problem is because she's very strong minded and wants to be self sufficient she is very clinical in the way shes goes about it.
No time for that romance, cuddling nonsense...it's time to get out there and earn, earn earn. I work to earn to a point but the thought of living this clinical lifestyle for the long term isn't a relationship...it's a business deal.
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#6
Really ??? "the lesser sex" ...

get over yourself... maybe your wife doesn't like your attitude towards women

Get to counseling and don't expect a smooth ride..

"that's not through my doing. She's doing it to herself. "

No... you are doing it to each other... you have much to learn Sundance_kid ;-)
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#7
just like my wife. she hated the idea of being dependent on me, financially and practically. She was/is also very career minded. Everything was a competition to her and she kept comparing herself to me all the time. I made it possible for her to gain independence thinking that would make her content. But I now know it never does.

Let her be independent and support her in doing so but also you need to know it wont make her happy with you.
The only way she will stay is if she is emotionally attracted to you. She needs to be emotionally vulnerable with you. You need to be cool, calm and stronger person in the relationship, that she can trust and come to when she needs it.
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