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The Obstacle is the Way: The Ancient Art of Turning Adversity to Advantage
#1
Rainbow 
Good morning dads, I hope today brings you some quality time with those most important to you.

I've used this forum for support, mainly reading others stories, sometimes adding my own and it's genuinely been of enormous help to me. One thing that I have spotted time and time again is the understandable, but quite debilitating amount of anger and resentment a great many of us have with our ex partners (and often with CAFCAS, the courts, our ex partners new partner....)

It stands to reason right? We are generally here because of them, whatever the ultimate truth of the matter we feel betrayed, let down, like our lives were taken away from us.

Far too often, it seems from my fellow dad's stories, that resentment is stopping us being able to move on with our lives, making it harder to be the best parent we can be, and being unhappy. It also seems that the things we believe are putting us in those situations are things we cannot change.

I wanted to recommend this book, "The Obstacle is the Way: The Ancient Art of Turning Adversity to Advantage",  and also Stoic philosophy in general, as a way of dealing with our lives in the shape they are, rather than the shape we may want them to be.

Yeah it sounds big, maybe the sort of thing you don't look at normally, I even said "Philosophy". But without a major mindset change, what has happened to us will haunt us for the rest of our lives. Affecting relationships with our children, new partners, our ex partners, friends and family.

This obstacle we have encountered isn't the end. It can be a new opportunity for us to flourish, to be better parents, happier people. We have control over how we react, what we do moving forward, what parts of our lives we pick up, dust down, rebuild and move forward with.

This short passage pretty much sums up the attitude I believe can help us in the place we find ourselves in.

"Grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference"

I'm not there yet, I haven't reached some serendipitous plane of existence where I love all my fellow human beings, especially not my ex wife who has and continues to take my mental energy, my money and deny me fair access to my children. But I have accepted the situation I find myself in. I cannot change most of it. But I can change some, a meaningful amount. And I am ploughing all of my energy into that, rather than hating anyone.

I believe this is helpful for all of us and I hope some of you are able to give it a try. I'd be interested to see what you think.
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#2
I'm a student of Stoicism as well Smile

It's really helped me through the court process.

The author of that book's website https://dailystoic.com/ is very helpful. I also found Marcus Aurelius's Meditations to be useful.
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#3
Great I’m glad it’s helped you as well Smile I’ve got both the daily stoic books, useful way of keeping in the groove!
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#4
How bizarre, a friend just sent me a link to this, Tomogato, your first name isn't Lee is it...?

I've also been reading up on 'mind-sets' there are two, fixed and growth, and practising the growth mind-set will certainly help us through adversity. https://mindsetonline.com/whatisit/about/
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#5
Not me but I'm glad to see others looking at it (I don't even use my regular online nickname here in case my ex ever googled me...).

The mindset stuff is interesting, it relates to a lot of things I have read about the locus of control, the split of those who feel things are due to unchangable exterior facts, how they were born, where they live, what others have done, and those with an interior locus of control who can see what they can change, those who are biased towards action.

The stoicism and being biased toward action are totally compatible, you identify what you can and cant change (Stoic), then you change the things you can (Bias towards action).

It helps in pretty much all walks of life, but this especially difficult place we find ourselves in, courts and government bodies telling us what we can and can;t do with our children, ex partners who we at least once loved, behaving in ways we find challenging.
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#6
Fellow Stoic student here too. I started my journey by reading "Letters from Stoic" by Seneca. I was just about to start it again although with the praise for The Obstacle is the Way I think I might pick that up instead.

I am just about to embark upon financial court proceedings and could do with the support!

Growth mindset is also something I am familiar with, we use it at work (Further Education) for the students but its also beign used for staff.
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#7
(02-25-2018, 08:54 AM)Tamagoto Wrote: Good morning dads, I hope today brings you some quality time with those most important to you.

I've used this forum for support, mainly reading others stories, sometimes adding my own and it's genuinely been of enormous help to me. One thing that I have spotted time and time again is the understandable, but quite debilitating amount of anger and resentment a great many of us have with our ex partners (and often with CAFCAS, the courts, our ex partners new partner....)

It stands to reason right? We are generally here because of them, whatever the ultimate truth of the matter we feel betrayed, let down, like our lives were taken away from us.

Far too often, it seems from my fellow dad's stories, that resentment is stopping us being able to move on with our lives, making it harder to be the best parent we can be, and being unhappy. It also seems that the things we believe are putting us in those situations are things we cannot change.

I wanted to recommend this book, "The Obstacle is the Way: The Ancient Art of Turning Adversity to Advantage",  and also Stoic philosophy in general, as a way of dealing with our lives in the shape they are, rather than the shape we may want them to be.

Yeah it sounds big, maybe the sort of thing you don't look at normally, I even said "Philosophy". But without a major mindset change, what has happened to us will haunt us for the rest of our lives. Affecting relationships with our children, new partners, our ex partners, friends and family.

This obstacle we have encountered isn't the end. It can be a new opportunity for us to flourish, to be better parents, happier people. We have control over how we react, what we do moving forward, what parts of our lives we pick up, dust down, rebuild and move forward with.

This short passage pretty much sums up the attitude I believe can help us in the place we find ourselves in.

"Grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; 
and wisdom to know the difference"

I'm not there yet, I haven't reached some serendipitous plane of existence where I love all my fellow human beings, especially not my ex wife who has and continues to take my mental energy, my money and deny me fair access to my children. But I have accepted the situation I find myself in. I cannot change most of it. But I can change some, a meaningful amount. And I am ploughing all of my energy into that, rather than hating anyone.

I believe this is helpful for all of us and I hope some of you are able to give it a try. I'd be interested to see what you think.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I have up and down days. Today has been a very down day. Reading your post has pushed me back into a more positive frame of mind. This forum is priceless to us all!
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#8
I’m really, really glad. I seriously go up and down. Right now I’m terrified of my final hearing on Friday!

But, this is now. I am sitting with both my kids watching Harry Potter. What the future holds I don’t know but they both want to hug me.
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#9
I like that....it made me smile..."they both want to hug me"....nice one.
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#10
i agree with that, too, nice one
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