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120 hours, 1176 hours to go
#1
Ex is really upping the ante, its been 4 days since FHDRA and Ive got seven more weeks until final hearing. Ex is saying I cant feed my daughter while shes with me, the child minder must feed her before I pick her up. Wants me to jump through her hoops before she'll "allow it"
Not allowed to bath her any more, she is now going to bath her before daughter comes to me. yada yada yada....... 
I know it shouldnt get to me, its a last hurrah to stamp her authority over me. Any suggestions on how to deal with the anxiety? I feel like if I dont stand up to her it sets a precedent, if I do Im simply causing conflict.
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#2
God, these mothers!

She has no control of what you do in your time with your child at all.

You could agree to her doing this before pick up (but subtly without agreening not to feed and bathe) .Feeding and bathing the child must however not interfere with your pick up times.

If your child is hungry feed them if they get dirty bathe them. Simple as that. It won’t look good on her making unreasonable demands. Just imagaine what the law would do to you if you refused to feed a hungry child!
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#3
Do you have an interim order in place? If so, politely remind your ex (in writing) that you are the child's father and perfectly capable of attending to her needs. You MUST stand up to it, otherwise you are saving up big problems for later, and she will also try to claim you can't meet the child's needs in court because you don't feed her.

Read this on how to communicate in situations like this, it should help:

http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/bif...tile-email
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#4
That's a great link Marwood! Not sure what happened at your FHDR - did you get interim contact ordered? Did she put all this in an email? If so it will be good evidence for your final hearing :-) It's difficult - on the one hand you don't want to fuel conflict, on the other hand you don't want to be seen to be accepting/rolling over. So something like one of the BIFF responses might be helpful (and also useful for final hearing to show you are the polite reasonable one - plus it shows what she is doing if she hasn't put this new demand in an email:

How about - "Dear Ex, While it is helpful of you to suggest your childminder bathes and feeds son before he comes to me, it really isn't necessary as I've been bathing and feeding him for a long time. If it reassures you, however, I can confirm that at this stage, it will only be me who bathes and feeds son, and not my new partner, as I think it's important that familiarity of parenting continues and any changes are introduced gradually. Regards, Naive"
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#5
Yes there was an Interim order. I was confused because the judges said they would not change anything, I assumed this to be the no order principle. But in fact they did set out the current arrangements with the addition that I was to get to the childminder by 17:15 as ex does. I think this was somewhat of a test to see if I could do what I asked for.
I went ahead and made the arrangements with childminder and work, all good. Get a text saying "you werent sure if you could do it in court so lets have a trial for a few weeks and then discuss it" "I havent agreed to you feeding her and no changes can be made without agreement"
Bear in mind that her previous dictation was that daughter is to be fed between 5-6pm.

So, right or wrong, I replied and said, with respect, Im not subject to her trials and lets agree not to dictate whether the other parent can feed child or not, this will just cause more conflict, agreed?

tumble weed..............................

Ill run it past the solicitor, but Im going to tell the childminder not to feed her and do it anyway.
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#6
It's not unusual for judges to fix the current informal arrangements in an interim order.  In my case we worked hard to get that, because we knew that my ex would threaten to stop contact as soon as the possibility of the kids meeting my partner was introduced.    So we went to court, got an interim order in place at the FHDRA (which didn't mention my partner at all, but confirmed current arrangements), then said we were introducing my partner, placing my ex in the position of either agreeing or breaching the interim order.  

What's on paper is what matters.  However, it still pays to be courteous and communicate with well with your ex, and at least consider her views rather than just dismiss them out of hand. Then if she sends you crazy responses you can use them as evidence in court to compare to how helpful and reasonable you are being in your communications.
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#7
(03-07-2018, 03:19 PM)marwood Wrote: It's not unusual for judges to fix the current informal arrangements in an interim order.  In my case we worked hard to get that, because we knew that my ex would threaten to stop contact as soon as the possibility of the kids meeting my partner was introduced.    So we went to court, got an interim order in place at the FHDRA (which didn't mention my partner at all, but confirmed current arrangements), then said we were introducing my partner, placing my ex in the position of either agreeing or breaching the interim order.  

What's on paper is what matters.  However, it still pays to be courteous and communicate with well with your ex, and at least consider her views rather than just dismiss them out of hand. Then if she sends you crazy responses you can use them as evidence in court to compare to how helpful and reasonable you are being in your communications.
Yeah fair enough, Im sure she'll give lots more opportunities. Ive asked her if she wants to change anything for mothers day and I got hit with more tumble weed, hey ho. I tried.
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