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5/9 day split. Lives with mother.
#11
(03-09-2018, 10:02 PM)Tamagoto Wrote: First off - thank you. This forum has been amazing to see all the different places people have had to go to to get time with their kids. Imnspiring.

Secondly - from reading so many stories here I *know* that compared to not just a few, but lots of guys - I've got it made. I actually get to see my kids, and for a significant portion of time. Believe me I am grateful.

What angers me about the nonsensical decision, is that the magistrates said that my ex is the primary carer because, wait for it, she doesn't have a job and therefore must care for them all the time AND that she is caring for them 9 days out of 14, a plan that she, and she alone implemented. Before we split, I did half of everything.

The lives with / lives with both was also decided entirely on the plan she implemented in October. So she got what she wanted, because she forced the 5/9 split in October - which seems pretty damned circular to me.

I did get a explicit 50/50 split of holidays and exact times and dates for all of those holidays for the next 18 months. THat's pretty useful.

With that it works out 142 days out of 365 they are with me.

I’ve never felt lower, in those first few months following the break up. Time and self care has helped enormously and I feel I’m over the worst of things. I don’t hate my ex, although I’m a shade disappointed someone I loved so much could become so bitter and duplicitous. A lesson learned. I am moving on with being the best parent I possibly can be, the past is very much in the past.

This obstacle was an opportunity. I have been given the chance to totally reevaluate my life, my habits and most of all my priorities. I found myself wanting in many areas, now I have the time, space and chance to become something better, all because of this.

The Decree Nisi has been granted with the recorded official reason being adultery. I’ll be legally divorced in around 8 weeks. I still have not moved home but I expect a financial agreement to happen soon (weeks or months) now the issues with the children have been settled.

She hasn't figured out that I'm only going to give her £16 a week child maintenance yet either.

Tomogato

This is good news and a positive indicator to all.

Coming out of this smarter, more focussed and less emotional? Feels good doesnt it?
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#12
As for bullying - I was also accused of bullying at first hearing - having never even lived with her and only dated for 6 weeks! Irony being she is the biggest bully out!
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#13
Lesson here is when you split ... immediately try to implement 50:50 if that is what you want as courts will not challenge a system if you are getting more than 4 night a fortnight which seems to be the minimum they would give

Tamagoto - everything else you said, was positive.. start of a new journey... if it helps, i'm 2 years in and feel i'm a better person than i was in so many ways .. i'm certainly happier... i try to be a good parent and co-parent... the ex is still angry and attempts to disrupt that... someday it's like she doesn't even see their faces when she creates a drama in front of them trying to get at me... i feel sorry for her, but try to protect my kids from it... they see it though and that is a shame
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#14
Pffff. well it’s been 3 days now, enough for it all to sink in and for me to formulate some way of moving forward and dealing with things. Also gives me a chance to decide what to say to you guys and hopefully pass on some useful tips for how to do things differently, or maybe even the same in some ways.

@marwood - “142/365 is nearly 40%. I'd have accepted that from my ex during mediation” - You’re right. With hindsight I could have focussed on what was actually good for me rather than trying to ‘win’. I could have saved money as well.
“It won't be long until your kids start voting with their feet…” - Indeed. She gets to do a load of the stuff they don’t want to do, the day to day. I get to be fun and exciting.

@Mr Sandman - “Coming out of this smarter, more focussed and less emotional? Feels good doesnt it?” - I’ve seen the obstacle, I’ve seen the way, I’ve seen the opportunity. I’ve turned it around into something I can work and will see me and the kids in a better place, yes Smile

@Charlie7000 - “Irony being she is the biggest bully out!” - Oh yes. I was accused of coercion ad control whilst being threatened with losing my family if I didn’t concede to her request for an open relationship. If that isn’t coercion and control then…. well.

@LTCDAD - “Lesson here is when you split ... immediately try to implement 50:50 if that is what you want as courts will not challenge a system if you are getting more than 4 night a fortnight which seems to be the minimum they would give”. - Absolutely. The phrase they kept using was “The order must reflect the reality on the ground”. Which is ultimately why she got everything she wanted. Now, to be clear, she implemented the 5/9 split, and then because the legal stuff took six months, it was then 6 months old and working by the time the final judgement happened. So they stuck with…. what she had forced upon me.

“i'm 2 years in and feel i'm a better person than i was in so many ways” - This is also good to hear. I really do feel like this is an opportunity.

SO to sum up how I feel.

This is a real opportunity to do something different. To properly focus on myself when I can, and importantly to be there for the kids.

The reality is that a 7/7 split would have been hell for me from a work perspective and I’d have had to use more child care than I would have liked.. It would have been expensive, stressful and not as good for the kids as I would have liked.

With the way things will removing forward, when I have the kids I can BE with the kids. I can be 100% present all of the time for them, spend time 1:1 doing things they like, watch a movie without having to say “Daddy needs to work whilst you watch this”. I can take them to places and never have to worry about logging in tot work to make sure they think I am doing something. I never have to worry about not putting enough into work itself and be worried about being fired.

I will be the best father the world has ever seen. I will lay plan after plan and carry out action after action, each one crafted and planned to make my relationship with them happier and more satisfying.

I’ve given them a shared calendar in their iPads and told them they can put things in it that thy want to do and I’ll make it happen for them. I’ve bought more books about speaking to kids, relating to them, not to be their best friend but to be their best possible parent.

I’m happy. I’m accepting. I’m ready to move on with my life as a parent and as a person of my own.

(She, she can go rot for all I care, but I really don’t care.)
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#15
(03-09-2018, 10:02 PM)Tamagoto Wrote: First off - thank you. This forum has been amazing to see all the different places people have had to go to to get time with their kids. Imnspiring.

Secondly - from reading so many stories here I *know* that compared to not just a few, but lots of guys - I've got it made. I actually get to see my kids, and for a significant portion of time. Believe me I am grateful.

What angers me about the nonsensical decision, is that the magistrates said that my ex is the primary carer because, wait for it, she doesn't have a job and therefore must care for them all the time AND that she is caring for them 9 days out of 14, a plan that she, and she alone implemented. Before we split, I did half of everything.

The lives with / lives with both was also decided entirely on the plan she implemented in October. So she got what she wanted, because she forced the 5/9 split in October - which seems pretty damned circular to me.

I did get a explicit 50/50 split of holidays and exact times and dates for all of those holidays for the next 18 months. THat's pretty useful.

With that it works out 142 days out of 365 they are with me.

I’ve never felt lower, in those first few months following the break up. Time and self care has helped enormously and I feel I’m over the worst of things. I don’t hate my ex, although I’m a shade disappointed someone I loved so much could become so bitter and duplicitous. A lesson learned. I am moving on with being the best parent I possibly can be, the past is very much in the past.

This obstacle was an opportunity. I have been given the chance to totally reevaluate my life, my habits and most of all my priorities. I found myself wanting in many areas, now I have the time, space and chance to become something better, all because of this.

The Decree Nisi has been granted with the recorded official reason being adultery. I’ll be legally divorced in around 8 weeks. I still have not moved home but I expect a financial agreement to happen soon (weeks or months) now the issues with the children have been settled.

She hasn't figured out that I'm only going to give her £16 a week child maintenance yet either.

Can I ask what was your argument was for "lives with both"?
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#16
Mainly, they're our children and as she has a misplaced sense of ownership over them I wanted it to be clear they had two homes with two parents. I also cannot stand that I have to ask permission to do anything with my own children.
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#17
(03-16-2018, 09:30 AM)Tamagoto Wrote: Mainly, they're our children and as she has a misplaced sense of ownership over them I wanted it to be clear they had two homes with two parents. I also cannot stand that I have to ask permission to do anything with my own children.

Amen brother, I know EXACTLY what you mean, but is that how you pitched it to court?
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#18
"I propose that the children share their time equally between each parent on a regular predictable schedule. I am therefore seeking an order that the children live with both XXXXX and myself. This will allow both of us to properly support the children at all times and remain a fully involved parent. The children will experience all levels of family life with their parents, both the more mundane day to day chores and activities as well as 1:1 family time during the weekends."

From my statement. I basically stuck to this in court.

Although as you can see they ignored pretty much everything Smile
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#19
(03-16-2018, 01:25 PM)Tamagoto Wrote: "I propose that the children share their time equally between each parent on a regular predictable schedule. I am therefore seeking an order that the children live with both XXXXX and myself. This will allow both of us to properly support the children at all times and remain a fully involved parent. The children will experience all levels of family life with their parents, both the more mundane day to day chores and activities as well as 1:1 family time during the weekends."

From my statement. I basically stuck to this in court.

Although as you can see they ignored pretty much everything Smile

Yeah, the more I write and re-write mine, the more it just sounds like a line. I think its going to depend heavily on why she thinks she should have sole residency. Im desperately hoping she screws the pooch on this.
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#20
Tamogoto fancy sending me a copy of your statement with names removed lol. I’ve got my first date set now. Seems like I’m constantly paying out for solicitor bills.
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