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5/9 day split. Lives with mother.
#1
So a decision has been made. The court found entirely in the mother’s favour and we have a 5/9 day split, lives with her.

This is the ultra condensed summary of the last year.

I have two children, now 7&5. In October 2016 my wife who had been happily married to for 8 years asked for an open relationship. I said no and over the next six months the relationship broke down. We separated in April 2017.

There followed a great deal of animosity between us, police were called on more than one occasion, I discovered she had been having an affair with a family friend for 3 months.

She remained in the family home and I kept paying for all outgoings.

I started to take anti depressants around April 2017 and am tailing them off as of March 2018. The depression was circumstantial, not built in.

Childcare was ad hoc and varied up until October 2017 when a 5/9 day split was implemented without my input.

I thought the best thing for the children was a 7/7 split with a “lives with both” order, so I applied to the court for an order.

Social services had been involved and had made a report broadly saying the kids live both parents and are happy but do not want to see disagreements between the parents. So a CAFCAS report wasn’t otherwise made.

At the initial hearing in January 2018 the magistrates formalised the 5/9 day split as an interim measure and gave us 8 weeks until the next and final hearing.

I hired a solicitor and a barrister to help me and I found their advice to be very useful as they take the emotion out of things. I’d love to call her every name under the sun and accuse her of destroying something wonderful - but that doesn’t help in court. I needed to stick to being child focussed, not dredging up the past and mud slinging.

Whilst all this was happening I also applied for a divorce and got her to agree to admitting adultery. She brought that up in family court as an example of me bullying and controlling her.

There is so, so much more to this. The sleepless nights, the hugs with children who didn’t want to go home, the astronomical cost. (20k I’d guess once it’s all done). But this is it. Ask if you want any details.
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#2
I dont think it's as bad as you think. And though it is a final hearing, I don't think things will stay that way. Sounds like she wants to re-live her youth and months, perhaps one or two years from now, you may find the children living with you.
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#3
(03-09-2018, 06:01 PM)Tamagoto Wrote: So a decision has been made. The court found entirely in the mother’s favour and we have a 5/9 day split, lives with her.

This is the ultra condensed summary of the last year.

I have two children, now 7&5. In October 2016 my wife who had been happily married to for 8 years asked for an open relationship. I said no and over the next six months the relationship broke down. We separated in April 2017.

There followed a great deal of animosity between us, police were called on more than one occasion, I discovered she had been having an affair with a family friend for 3 months.

She remained in the family home and I kept paying for all outgoings.

I started to take anti depressants around April 2017 and am tailing them off as of March 2018. The depression was circumstantial, not built in.

Childcare was ad hoc and varied up until October 2017 when a 5/9 day split was implemented without my input.

I thought the best thing for the children was a 7/7 split with a “lives with both” order, so I applied to the court for an order.

Social services had been involved and had made a report broadly saying the kids live both parents and are happy but do not want to see disagreements between the parents. So a CAFCAS report wasn’t otherwise made.

At the initial hearing in January 2018 the magistrates formalised the 5/9 day split as an interim measure and gave us 8 weeks until the next and final hearing.

I hired a solicitor and a barrister to help me and I found their advice to be very useful as they take the emotion out of things. I’d love to call her every name under the sun and accuse her of destroying something wonderful - but that doesn’t help in court. I needed to stick to being child focussed, not dredging up the past and mud slinging.

Whilst all this was happening I also applied for a divorce and got her to agree to admitting adultery. She brought that up in family court as an example of me bullying and controlling her.

There is so, so much more to this. The sleepless nights, the hugs with children who didn’t want to go home, the astronomical cost. (20k I’d guess once it’s all done). But this is it. Ask if you want any details.

Thanks Tomagato - Does womankind have no shame - well done for staying strong, whilst sad, this still means you see your kids and this will allow you to progress further with your own life.

Just wanted to add that it is ridiculous to claim asking for an admission of adultery is bullying, what next.....
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#4
That's the bitter exes for you Sandman....
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#5
The court have stuck with what was happening ... or they actually haven't done anything ... only continued the existing routine... which is normal... so if you wanted 7/7 you needed to have done that from day 1

Let the dust settle... most people on here would bite your arm off for 5 days a fortnight... you can think about 6/14 in a few months time

Focus on the kids...
"Being a good father, for its own sake, does not require your ex to see it or agree"
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#6
Exactly, 5 nights a fortnight ain't half bad as a start. Be cool. It only gets better from this point on.
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#7
Well done tamagoto. I think you have done ok actually. Not getting lives with order is curious though but not very important I think. And yes I agree by the sound of it she will come to you begging you take more of the child care burden.

Ironically I did get the lives with order but my 50/50 interim order was slashed to alternate weekends only. A cynical person would say that status quo only counts if it suits the mother.
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#8
First off - thank you. This forum has been amazing to see all the different places people have had to go to to get time with their kids. Imnspiring.

Secondly - from reading so many stories here I *know* that compared to not just a few, but lots of guys - I've got it made. I actually get to see my kids, and for a significant portion of time. Believe me I am grateful.

What angers me about the nonsensical decision, is that the magistrates said that my ex is the primary carer because, wait for it, she doesn't have a job and therefore must care for them all the time AND that she is caring for them 9 days out of 14, a plan that she, and she alone implemented. Before we split, I did half of everything.

The lives with / lives with both was also decided entirely on the plan she implemented in October. So she got what she wanted, because she forced the 5/9 split in October - which seems pretty damned circular to me.

I did get a explicit 50/50 split of holidays and exact times and dates for all of those holidays for the next 18 months. THat's pretty useful.

With that it works out 142 days out of 365 they are with me.

I’ve never felt lower, in those first few months following the break up. Time and self care has helped enormously and I feel I’m over the worst of things. I don’t hate my ex, although I’m a shade disappointed someone I loved so much could become so bitter and duplicitous. A lesson learned. I am moving on with being the best parent I possibly can be, the past is very much in the past.

This obstacle was an opportunity. I have been given the chance to totally reevaluate my life, my habits and most of all my priorities. I found myself wanting in many areas, now I have the time, space and chance to become something better, all because of this.

The Decree Nisi has been granted with the recorded official reason being adultery. I’ll be legally divorced in around 8 weeks. I still have not moved home but I expect a financial agreement to happen soon (weeks or months) now the issues with the children have been settled.

She hasn't figured out that I'm only going to give her £16 a week child maintenance yet either.
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#9
And that will break her heart. Lots of this stuff is about money. Women too lazy or scared to go to work and looking for a free ride.
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#10
Well done!

142/365 is nearly 40%. I'd have accepted that from my ex during mediation. It's a shame that there wasn't a CAFCASS S7 report made, as it meant that magistrates are left to their own devices, and they can be a bit of a mixed bag. It's odd you didn't get a lives with both order, though.

It won't be long until your kids start voting with their feet... I'm 50/50 but my eldest is already complaining about going home to her mums. I don't want to encourage her to favour me over her mum as I think she needs both parents, but if her mum keeps yelling at her, I know she'll be round at mine more.
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