03-23-2016, 10:18 PM
Hi All,
I'm new to the forum and also a relative newbie to dealing with child custody from a legal standpoint so I apologise in advance for my ignorance. I have been separated for almost 3 years now - following the relationship breakdown I've had fortnightly contact with my children now 13 & 14. The 14-year-old non-biological daughter is having mental health issues and as a result no longer wants to visit. The ex moved with both the kids to a place that is roughly a two-hour drive away about a year ago - I believe this is one of the main reasons that the daughter no longer wants to visit. As an aside, I considered a PSO at the time of the move but was told (in no uncertain terms) by the ex that she would attempt to secure full custody and the entire equity in the house (in my name) if I attempted to thwart her move in any way. We are still not divorced but we have a written financial separation agreement now.
So... onto the latest developments! I had been more or less happy with the contact as it was but the son has really started to like coming so has been every weekend (with the agreement of the ex) since christmas. She called in February and used this as a way to negotiate never coming halfway for his visits (she had initially agreed to meet halfway as a 'sweetener' to her moving so far away). The most she has been doing for the past 6 weeks or more is dropping him at her local train station, where he travels alone until he gets to a town around halfway where I collect him. However, she has recently said that she wants the contact reduced again to a fortnightly visit, which has prompted my son to tell her that he wants to move in with me permanently. He had been afraid of doing this because he was worried about her reaction.
Back in the summer holidays, an almost identical situation occurred wherby he liked staying so much and things were so difficult at home (I spent 14 years with her - it wasn't nice!) that he had thoughts of moving in with me. On that occassion I got a shrift phonecall saying that the matter was completely off the table. Nevermind what he wanted or whether his life here would be better. She managed to put a gagging order on him and the next time I saw him it was like speaking to a member of the secret service. I just got 'I can't talk about that' or 'Mum says I'm not allowed to talk to you about it'.
This time around, he had really built himself up to talking to her, even knowing the kind of resistance he would meet. He prepared a speech on his phone and spent weeks going through the things she might say, only to be shot down in flames when he finally tried to speak to her. I didn't have any real belief that she would say 'yes', but at the same time didn't think that she would so blatantly ignore his wishes for a second time. He phoned me in tears saying how she had steamrollered him in her typical way - cutting him off, addressing his points with unrelated side issues, laying emotional blackmail on him and defaming my character as she went. Only a few days later I can't help but wonder if he has changed his mind (or had his mind changed!) completely. He says she has told him they would look at it when he turns 16! This made me laugh as she must know that he can legally make his own choice by then.
I got a phonecall from her following that and she was not going to mention the talk she had had with our son. When I asked about it she was very matter of fact: 'He's not going to come and live with you', 'He needs to be here', 'You are not a responsible parent because you don't maintain a relationship with your daughter'. No reasons or addressing any points he or I had raised.
In the meantime I have applied for mediation to open up my court order options. Obviously this is a last resort but the ex is tough, if not impossible to negotiate with. By the same token I believe she would attempt to sling all types of mud in my direction if it ever did come to court, and it is a case of whether to start throwing first. I fully expect that the ex will attempt to cut, rather than increase, my contact once she realises that I am trying to progress this. Has anyone had experience of custody battles with older children? How much weight do the courts place on the child's wishes?
Sorry for the rant!
I'm new to the forum and also a relative newbie to dealing with child custody from a legal standpoint so I apologise in advance for my ignorance. I have been separated for almost 3 years now - following the relationship breakdown I've had fortnightly contact with my children now 13 & 14. The 14-year-old non-biological daughter is having mental health issues and as a result no longer wants to visit. The ex moved with both the kids to a place that is roughly a two-hour drive away about a year ago - I believe this is one of the main reasons that the daughter no longer wants to visit. As an aside, I considered a PSO at the time of the move but was told (in no uncertain terms) by the ex that she would attempt to secure full custody and the entire equity in the house (in my name) if I attempted to thwart her move in any way. We are still not divorced but we have a written financial separation agreement now.
So... onto the latest developments! I had been more or less happy with the contact as it was but the son has really started to like coming so has been every weekend (with the agreement of the ex) since christmas. She called in February and used this as a way to negotiate never coming halfway for his visits (she had initially agreed to meet halfway as a 'sweetener' to her moving so far away). The most she has been doing for the past 6 weeks or more is dropping him at her local train station, where he travels alone until he gets to a town around halfway where I collect him. However, she has recently said that she wants the contact reduced again to a fortnightly visit, which has prompted my son to tell her that he wants to move in with me permanently. He had been afraid of doing this because he was worried about her reaction.
Back in the summer holidays, an almost identical situation occurred wherby he liked staying so much and things were so difficult at home (I spent 14 years with her - it wasn't nice!) that he had thoughts of moving in with me. On that occassion I got a shrift phonecall saying that the matter was completely off the table. Nevermind what he wanted or whether his life here would be better. She managed to put a gagging order on him and the next time I saw him it was like speaking to a member of the secret service. I just got 'I can't talk about that' or 'Mum says I'm not allowed to talk to you about it'.
This time around, he had really built himself up to talking to her, even knowing the kind of resistance he would meet. He prepared a speech on his phone and spent weeks going through the things she might say, only to be shot down in flames when he finally tried to speak to her. I didn't have any real belief that she would say 'yes', but at the same time didn't think that she would so blatantly ignore his wishes for a second time. He phoned me in tears saying how she had steamrollered him in her typical way - cutting him off, addressing his points with unrelated side issues, laying emotional blackmail on him and defaming my character as she went. Only a few days later I can't help but wonder if he has changed his mind (or had his mind changed!) completely. He says she has told him they would look at it when he turns 16! This made me laugh as she must know that he can legally make his own choice by then.
I got a phonecall from her following that and she was not going to mention the talk she had had with our son. When I asked about it she was very matter of fact: 'He's not going to come and live with you', 'He needs to be here', 'You are not a responsible parent because you don't maintain a relationship with your daughter'. No reasons or addressing any points he or I had raised.
In the meantime I have applied for mediation to open up my court order options. Obviously this is a last resort but the ex is tough, if not impossible to negotiate with. By the same token I believe she would attempt to sling all types of mud in my direction if it ever did come to court, and it is a case of whether to start throwing first. I fully expect that the ex will attempt to cut, rather than increase, my contact once she realises that I am trying to progress this. Has anyone had experience of custody battles with older children? How much weight do the courts place on the child's wishes?
Sorry for the rant!