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Contact order breach
#1
My ex partner and split last year. We were together nine years and I helped raise her two children and have two biological girls to her. We have been in court for residency orders and contact orders. We agreed that my kids live with her and I see my kids on regular basis. Also added to it are her own kids although it has been sporadic only really ever staying with me every other weekend. My relationship with my own kids have been fine up to date whereas my relationship with her kids have become strained. The oldest has been erratic, one minute nice next minute sending me nasty messages for the breakup.the ex has never come clean about me not being her kids real dad as I never wanted them to feel different to my kids but have noticed a difference in the way I am with my children and them as I don't feel comfortable with have sole authority over them when they are staying with me. I have moved on with my life and am happy now since me and their mother split and as I've found she met a new partner a while back and he's been introduced to all the children. Just wanting advice on where to go next. I want their mums new partner to have a fair crack at have a relationship with all the kids with no interference from me. But although this may sound nasty I have come to the decision I have to let her two children go as they are not my responsibility Although I'll always love them and the sacrifices I made for them. I haven't told my ex yet but am later and am afraid she will stop my seeing my two kids at the thought of me stopping them staying with me. Also I will be in breach of the contact order. Any advice please
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#2
This really sounds like you need to discuss this with her first, and try to get something sorted by agreement, with mediation if necessary. I wouldn't advise just making an announcement without discussing it first, that's unfair on everyone. Given that your step kids view you as their father (if I read your post correctly), they're likely to see you stopping seeing them as abandoning them. What sort of effect will that have on them psychologically? Also, it may have a knock-on effect on your own kids, as they may think they are next!!

It sounds like quite a complicated dynamic - it may be helpful to talk to a counsellor with experience of blended families to try to come up with a plan which is workable?
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#3
So just a follow on. I discussed had a chat with my ex partner on two issues. Firstly I wished her well as I had found out she had a met a new partner. There's no hard feelings my side as although we had our history it's in my best interests long term she settles down and becomes happy again with her new guy for the sake of the kids without any interference from me.
About her own kids... Apparantly the kids had received a message recently from their biological dad to say I'm your real father and the kids response was your not that their real dad was me. So the kids know the truth but obviously their allegiances are with me. I probably wouldn't have known he sent that message unless I'd talked to the ex yesterday. So it's a real dilemma. She said it's up to me what I want to do but that she feels like it's punishment which I totally get but as I say I'm in a good place now moving forward and I don't want to have to be pulled back into my exs world by asking her for her ok on matters as I've no authority legally on my own without parental responsibilty.
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#4
Well done for talking to your ex-partner.  

I'd urge you to consider your stepkids' feelings in this case. As you said, you are their dad in their eyes, and as such you have a responsibility to them whether you like it or not.  You're likely to seriously mess them up by just abandoning them (because that's how it will feel to them).  Don't be surprised if it also affects your own child, as I said in my previous post.  You child will view themselves as being in family unit with their half-siblings, and to see you break this up because you've had enough of the stepkids is likely to hurt them.

Your ex- sounds like she doesn't want you out of your stepkids lives, and you're talking to her reasonably.  Would it be possible to get together and draw up an agreement as to how you're going to manage this with her?  Even if it's not legally binding, it could give you a good framework to work from, and help you feel you're not having to ask permission all the time
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#5
Agree with Marwood. Those kids must be reeling after hearing you're not their biological Dad. This is a tricky transition for you and them and I would also suggest you keep treating them as your own and give it a bit of time so they can make some choices themselves. Over time, they will see the difference between time at your home and time at their Mum's with her new partner and may choose to spend more time there in a "normal" family. If their behaviour has been a bit erratic recently it'll be the stress of the change of circumstances. I would just be calm and ask now and then if there is anything they want to talk about - and listen. It is a big responsibility and can quite understand it must be overwhelming on your own with your kids and hers as well. If ex is happy for them to keep spending time with you then assume she would also be happy to give you PR for them. If you don't want it, that's ok too, she has taken the decision to allow them to be with you and you are a trusted adult, just like their teachers are at school. I think the term is parento en locis or something - you're the parent when they're in your care.
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